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our counsel, but that we fear in their very plead- | 'That; but I scorn as much to supply the place of s ings they would betray our cause : besides, we Who or a Which at every turn, as they are unequal have been oppressed so many years, that we can always to fill mine ; and I expect good language appear no other way but in forma pauperis. 'All and civil treatment, and hope to receire it for the which considered, we hope yüu will be pleased to future : That, That I shall only add is That do that which to right and justice shall appertain.
“I am, yours, “And your petitioners, &c.”
“ THAT." THE JUST REMONSTRANCE OF AFFRONTED TIIAT.
SPECTATOR. " Though I deny not the petition of Messrs. WHO and WHICII, yet should not suffer them to be
FLATTERY ADVOCATED. rude, and to call honest people names : for that They, that they do write in authors' praises, bears very hard on some of those rules of decency And freely give their friends their voices, which you are justly famous for establishing. They Are not confin'd to what is true ; muy find fault, and correct speeches in the senate, That's not to give, but pay a due : and at the bar, but let them try to get themselves For praise, that's duc, does give no more so often and with so much eloquence repeated in a To worth, than what it had before ; sentence, as a great orator doth frequently intro But to commend without desert luce me.
Requires a mastery of art, • My lords, (says he) with humble submission, That sets a gloss on what's amiss, That That I say is this ; That, That That gentleman And writes what shou'd be, not what is. has advanced, is not That That he should have prored to your lordships.' Let those two questi
TORMENTS OF TANTALIZATION. onary petitioners try to do this with their Whos and their Whiches.
Virgil, who has cast the whole system of Platosic * What great advantage was I of to Mr. Dryden philosophy, so far as it relates to the soul of mas, in his indian Emperor,
into beautiful allegories, in the sixth book of bis You force me still to answer you in That,' Æneid gives the following punishment of a volupzo furnish out a rhyme to Morat? and what a poor tuary after death : gure would Mr. Bayes have made without liis
-Lucent genialibus altis * Egad and all That? How can a judicious man
Aurea fulcra toris, epulæque ante ora paratæ alistinguish one thing from another, without saying, Regifico luxu : furiarum maxima juxta - This here,' or “That there?' And how can
Accubat, et manibus prohibet contingere mensas : sober man, without using the expletives of oaths Exurgitque facem attollens, atque intonat ore. (in which indeed the rakes and bullies have a great
En. vi. 604. advantage over others) make a discourse of any They lie below on golden beds display'd, tolerable length without “That is ;' and if he be And genial feasts with regal pomp are made: a very grave inan indeed, without “That is to
The queen of furies by their side is set, say?' And bow instructive as well as entertaining And snatches from their mouths the untasted are those usual expressions in the mouths of great
incat ; men, “Such things as That,' and 'The like of Which, if they touch, her liissing snakes ske That.'
rears, “ I am not against reforming the corruptions of Tossing her torch, and thund'ring in their ears. speech yoit mention, and own there are proper
Druder. seasotis for the introduction of other wordó besides! The following story.cshibits a lively represente
tion of a person lying under the torments of a kind part I could move) upon a very liigh pillow: this of tartalism, or Platonic hell. Monsieur Pontignan, was no sooner done, but my two female friends speaking of a love-adventure that happened to him came into bed to me in their finest night clothes. in the country, gives the following account of it. You may easily guess at the condition of a man.
“When I was in the country last summer, I was that saw a couple of the most beautiful women in often in company with a couple of charming the world undrest and a-bed with him, without women, who had all the wit and beauty one could being able to stir hand or foot. I begged them to desire in female companions, with a dash of co- release me, and struggled all I could to get loose, quetry, that from time to time gave me a great which I did with so much violence, that about many agreeable torments. I was, after my way, midnight they both leaped out of bed, crying out in love with both of them, and had such frequent they were undone. But secing me safe, they took. opportunities of pleading my passion to them when their posts again, and renewed their raillery. Firdthey were asunder, that I had reason to hope for ing all my prayers and endeavours were lost, I. particular favours from each of them. As I was composed myself as well as I could, and told them walking one evening in my chamber with nothing that if they would not unbind me, I would fall. about me but my night-gown, they both came into asleep between them, and by that means disgrace : my room, and told me they had a very pleasant them for ever. But, alas! this was impossible ; trick to put upon a gentleman that was in the same could I have been disposed to it, they would have house, provided I would bear a part in it. Upon prevented me by several little ill-natured caresses this they told me such a plausible story, that I am endearments which they bestowed upon me. As langhed at their contrivance, and agreed to do much devoted as I am to womankind, I would not Whatever they should require of ine. They imme- pass such another night to be master of the wholc diately began to swaddle me up in my night-gown, sex. My reader will doubtless be curious to know with long pieces of linen, which they folded about what became of me the next morning. Why truly me till they had wrapt me in above a hundred my bedfellows left me about an hour before day, pards of swathe. My arms were pressed to my and told me, if I would be good and lie still, they sides, and my legs closed together by so many would send somebody to take me up as soon as it Wrappers one over another, that I looked like an was time for me to rise. Accordingly about nine Ægyptian mummy. As I stood bolt upright upon o'clock in the morning an old woman came to unone end in this antique figure, one of the ladies swathe me. I bore all this rery patiently, being burst out a laughing. “ And now, Pontignan," says resolved to take my revenge of iny tormentors, she, “ we intend to perform the promise that we and to keep no measures with them as soon as I find you have extorted from each of us. You have was at liberty ; but upon asking my old woman often asked the favour of us, and I dare say you what was become of the two ladies, she told me she are a better bred cavalier than to refuse to go to believed they were by that time within sight of bed to two ladies that desire it of you.”. After Paris, for that they went away in a coach and six having stood a fit of laughter, I begged them to before five o'clock in the morning." SPECTATOR. uprase me, and do with me what they pleased. "No, no,” said they, “ we like you very well as you are ;" and upon that ordered me to be carried to one of their houses, and put to bed in all my A man of quick and active wit swaddies. The room was lighted up on all sides : For drudgery is more unfit, and I was laid very decently between a pair of Compar'd to those of duller parts, sheets, with my head (which was indeed the only Than running-nags to draw in carts.
DISADVANTAGES OF WIT.
EVERY DAY PEDANTS,
scholar, a mere any thing, is an insipid pedantic A man who has been brought
character, and equally ridiculous.
up among books, and is able to talk of nothing else, is a much the most supportable ; he has at least an
Of all the species of pedants, the book-pedant is very indifferent companion, and what we call a exercised understanding, and a bead which is full redant. But we should enlarge the title, and give though confused, so that a man who converses with it to every one that does not know how to think him may often receive hints from him of things that out of his profession and particular way of life.
are worth knowing, and what he may possibly turn What is a greater pedant than a mere man of the owner. The worst kind of pedants among learned
to his own advantage, though they are of little use to the town ? Bar him the play-houses, a catalogue of the reigning beauties, and an account of a few men, are such as are naturally endued with a very fashionable distempers that have befallen him, and small share of common sense, and have read a you strike him dumb. How many a pretty gentle-great number of books without taste or distinc
tion man's knowledge lies all within the verge of the court: He will tell you the names of the principal all other methods of improvement, as it finishes
The truth of it is, learning, like travelling, and favourites, repeat the shrewd sayings of a man of quality, whisper an intrigue that is not yet blown good sense, so it makes a silly man ten thousand upon by common fame; or, if the sphere of his times more insufferable, by 'supplying variety of observations is a little larger than ordinary, will matter to his impertinence, and giving him an perhaps enter into all the incidents, turns, and opportunity of abounding in absurdities. revolutions in a game. When he has gone thus far
Shallow pedants cry up one another much more he has shown you the whole circle of his accom
than men of solid and useful learning. To read
the titles they an editor, or collator of a plishments, his parts are drained, and he is disabled from any farther conversation. What are these manuscript, you would take him for the glory of but rank pedants ? and yet these are the men who the commonwealth of letters, and the wonder ot value themselves most on their exemption from the that he has only rectified a Greek particle, or laid
age, when perhaps upon examination you find pedantry of colleges.
The military pedant always talks in a camp, and out a whole sentence in proper commas. is storming towns, making lodgements, and fight
They are obliged indeed to be thus lavish of ing battles froin one end of the year to the other. their praises, that they may keep one another in Every thing he speaks smells of gunpowder; if you countenance; and it is no wonder if a great deal take away his artillery from him, he has not a word of knowledge, which is not capable of making a to say for himself. T'he law pedant is perpetually
man wise, has a natural tendency to make him putting cases, repeating the transactions of West- vain and arrogant. minster hall, wrangling with you upon the most
ACCOMODATING BUILDING. indifferent circumstances of life, and not to be con When Sir Nicholas Bacon, the Lord Keeper, vinced of the distance of a place, or of the most lived, every room in Gorhambury was served with trivial point in conversation, but by dint of argu- a pipe of water, from the ponds distant about a
The state pedant is wrapt up in news, and mile off. In the lifetime of Mr. Anthony Bacon, lost in politics. If you mention either of the the water ceased ; after whose death, his lordship, sovereigns of Europe, he talks very notably ; but coming to the inheritance, could not recover the if you go out of the Gazette, you drop him. In water without infinite charge. When he was Lord short, a mere courtier, a mere soldier, a mere | Chancellor, he built Verulam-house, close by the
pond-yard, for a place of privacy when he was | at fifteen days' sight. In witness whereof ( subcalled upon to despatch any urgent business. And scribe this, &c." being asked, why he built that house there ? his The Parisian correspondent read over and over lordship answered, " That since he could not carry this odd article, which put the future spouse on the water to his house, he would carry his house to the same footing with the bales of goods he was to the water."
send to his friend ; and after admiring the prudent SUPERFICIAL KNOWIEDOE.
exactness of the American, and his laconic style in All smatt'rers are more brisk and pert,
enumerating the qualifications which he insisted Than those that understand an art;
on, he endeavoured to serve him to his mind; and As little sparkles shine more bright,
after many inquiries, he judged he had found a Than glowing coals, that give them light. lady fit for his purpose, in a young person of re
BUTLER. putable family but no fortune, of good humour
and of a polite education, well shaped and more A merchant, originally from Paris, having ac-than tolerably handsome. He made the proposal quired a great fortune in one of the French West to lier as his friend had directed ; and the young India Islands, concluded with himself he could not gentlewoman, who had no subsistence but from a be happy in the enjoyment of it, unless he shared cruss old aunt, who gave her a great deal of unit with a woman of merit ; and knowing none to easiness, accepted it. A ship bound for that island his fancy, he resolved to write to a worthy
corres- was then fitting at Rochelle ; the gentlewoman pondent of bis at Paris. He knew no other style went on board the same, together with the bales of than that he used in his trade; therefore, treating goods, being well provided with all necessaries, of affairs of love as he did his business, after and particularly with a certificate in due form, and giving his friend, in a letter, several commissions, indorsed by the correspondent. She was also inand reserving this for the last, he went on thus : cluded in the invoice, the last article of which ran
"Item-Seeing that I bave taken a resolution to thus: marry, and that I do not find a suitable match for “ Item-A young gentlewoman of twenty-five me here, do not fail to send, by next ship bound years of age, of the quality and shape and condihither, a young woman of the qualifications and tioned as per order, as appears by the affidavits form following :-As for a portion, I demand none. and certificates she has to produce." Let her be of an honest family, between twenty The writings which were thought necessary for and twenty-five years of age, of a middle stature so exact a man as her future husband, were, an and well proportioned, her face agreeable, her extract of the parish register; a certificate of her temper mild, her character blameless, her health character, signed by the curate; an attestation of good, and her constitution strong enough to bear her neighbours, setting forth that she had for the the change of the climate, that there may be no space of three years lived with an old aunt who occasion to look out for a second through 'lack of was intolerably peevish, and had not during all the first soon after she comes to hand, which must that time given her said aunt the least occasion of be provided against as much as possible, consider-complaint; and, lastly, the goodness of her coning the great distance and the dangers of the sea. stitution was certified, after the consultation, by If she arrives here conditioned as above said, with four noted physicians. Before the gentlewoman's the present letter indorsed by you, or at least an departure, the Parisian correspondent sent several attested copy thereof, that there may be no mistake letters of advice, by other ships, to his friend, or imposition, I hereby oblige and engage myself whereby he informed him that per such a ship he to satisfy the said letter, by marrying the bearer should send a young woman, of such an age, cha
racter, and condition, &c.; in a word, such as he Lord N.-How do you do, Doctor Jacob! I'm desired to marry.—The letters of advice, the bales, glad to see you look so well. and the gentlewoman, came safe to the port; and Doctor Jacob.-I am glad to hare it in my power our American, who happened to be one of the fore- to return the compliment, my lord. most on the pier, at the lady's landing, was Mr. Cassan, still on his legs, and raising his charmed to see a handsome person, who having voice-My lord, in this case I am counsel for Mr. heard him called by his name, told him,“ Sir, Joseph Mushall have a bill of exchange upon you, and you know Lord N.-Doctor Jacob, I have been rery ill that it is not usual for people to carry a great deal since I last had the pleasure of seeing yov. of money about them in such a long voyage as I Doctor Jacob-So have I, too, my lord. hare now made. I beg the favour you will be Mr Cassan (with steulorian lungs)-My lord, ! pleased to pay it.” At the same time she gave him have twice stated that in this casebis correspondent's letter; on the back of which Lord N.-Doctor Jacob, I have to congratulate was written, “ The bearer of this is the spouse you you on the marriage of your son, he is a young ordered ine to send you." “Ah, Madam!” said man of high professional talent-of great reputathe American, “ I never yet suffered my bills to be tion. protested ; and I assure you this shall not be the Doctor Jacob-I thank you, my lord. first. I shall reckon myself the most fortunate of Mr. Cassan (still loud and with great emphasis) all men, if you allow me to discharge it." “ Yes, My lord, I shall occupy the attention of the court sir," replici she, “and the more willingly, since but a short timeI am apprized of your character. We had several
ROCHESTER'S FOOTMAN. persons of honour on board, who knew you very
Rochester found out a footman that knes al well, «nd who, during my passage, answered all the court, and he furnished him with a red mas the questions l'asked them concerning you in so and a musket as a sentinel
, and kept him all the advantageous a manner, that it has raised in me a winter long, every night, at the doors of such laun perfect esteem for yon.”—The first interview was
as he believed might be carrying on intrigues. in a few days after followed by the nuptials, which were very inagnificent. The new-married couple
FRANKLIN's owy EPITAPY. were very well satisfied with their happy union The following epitaph was written by Frankls made by a bill of exchange.
many years previous to his death .
PRINTER, Dramatis Persona :-Lord Norbury, Chief Justice (LIKE THE COVER OF AN OLD B005, of the Common Pleas ; Mr. Cassan, a barrister;
ITS CONTENTS TORX O'T, Dr. Jacob, a physician. Time,-immediately
AND SIRIT OF ITS LETTERING AND GILDING) after sentence of death passed on a prisoner for murder .
Mr. Cassan requested to be allowed to proceed FOR IT WILL (AS HE BELIETED) APPEAR ORCI with a traverse presentment case.
His Lordship nodded assert.
Mr. Cassan proceeded-In this case, my Lord, I am counsel
LIES HERE FOOD FOR WOENS:
MORE IN A NEW
BY THE AUTHOR.