a

wholesome correctives and his Ma. Ex-Lördship of Newstead, so that I jesty, at Lisson Grové, (which is the am fearful that the originality of mine Versailles, the suburban retreat of the may be called in question. That said Grand Monarque of Cockaighe,) has “ Darkness of the noble Baron, alin consequence committed of late few though it wears the physiognomy of a or no versicular trespasses against poem, may, if its physiology be narsense, language, and metre. To be rowly pried into, be ascertained to sure, Corny Webb has given us a have much more of the properties of

gross of green sonnets," in the New a scientific paper. The problem he Literary Pocket-Book ; but except that takes in hand may be thus enunciathey are all along alarmingly allitera- ted :-“ Given the practicability of tive, and hobble a little at times, as if popping an extinguisher over the sun, they had corns, there is much pretty and of co-instantaneously stopping the imagery in them; and, I hope, they increase of supplies which are known will not be so useless to the publisher, to augment in arithmetical ratio-find as the “green spectacles," were to the the length of candle light, and bonfire Vicar of Wakefield, which Moses light, which will be afforded by the brought home from the fair. Büt, present stock of muttons on handChristopher, this is not all that you (vide Surveys of the Board of Agriculhave done you are, like Jaques, so ture,) by the store already imported of full of matter," that the stray riches, timber, pitch, rosin, &c. (vidé Monthwhich you pour out in your rambling ly Commercial Reports, Blackwood's way, set I know not how many arti- Magăzine,) and by all other home ficers a working. Phoebus Apollo only raised combustible and luciferous matknows the number of harps that lay ter.” And really it is very well workunstrummed for want of subjects, till ed, as far as it goes, and as it is in a their possessors laid hold of some scat-' branch of physics hitherto not much tered thought of yours; and then made rummaged into, it was not to be premayhap, a very passable set of verses, on sumed that any thing farther than an the strength of it alone. You are like approximation to a solution would be the wind, which bears about upon its hit upon at first. It much astonieth pinions, abundance of plumed seeds, me, that the Cambridge Philosophical and recklessly lets them drop here and Society have not had it read at any there, not at all mindful what may one of their sittings, considering that spring from the chance-given boon; his Lordship is a member of the Ul. whether it be a gorgeous amarynth, tra-Mathematical University, in what a nemo me impune lacesset thistle, or that society is a tender Neophyte, and only a little diuretic dandelion—so is possibly in want of so subtle a calculait with you, your winged words are tor as my Lord has shewn himself to tossed up, and go wherever Maga be, in this first essor of his talents insoars, you little

guess how germi- to the regions of physical science. nant they are in many a soil, on which Now, to conclude with a deprecathey alight. I freely confess to you, tion, for my say is almost said. You, that I am one of those who take my Christopher, lighted the taper of my catch-word from your pregnant com- inspiration; beware then, that you do positions. Somewhere or other, you not quench it with that pair of snuffers said, that you dreamed of having drunk of evil augury, which you use in smuffup all the water in the reservoir on the ing off the wick of mary a hapless Castle-Hill, (though, whether there be contributor's rush-light. For, even a reservoir or not in that place, I cannot though in that unpleasant business tell.) Well, the hint so set my brain of rejection) you wield the implement fermenting, and raised such “ yeasty with infinite grace, and a sort of chí: waves" in the medullary matter under rurgical avoidance of giving needless my bumps, of constructiveness and paint, yet all won't do 3 rejeté is not idealíty, that I had no peace till the consoled in his state of obfuscation, following poem was brewed, fixed even by such flourishes of the hand as down, barrelled, and shipped for the these.' “ We return your · Hints toland where Ebony growetha tree of wards ascertaining the System of Ethics no unpropitious shelter! There is one likely to be predominant in Botany drawback, however, to my satisfaction, Bay, towards the close of this Centufor it turns out to have an unfortunate rý, and although we eannot deny the reserablance to the “ Darkness of his talent it evinces, yet allow us to say

and

is not adapted to our Miscellany"- out, feels rather down in the mouth , to a bardling, it may run" Par- when he is left darkling. Be it not on us for declining to insert your then the murky condition of him who erses, entitled, To Fidelia ; without here inscribes to you the first proofs of ny question, in 275 six-lined stanzas the developement of a poetic organizapere must be many with original tion in his cerebellum, and subscribes houghts in them, even though we himself-Yours assuredly, ave not had the good fortune to pitch

BLAISE FITZTRAVESTY. pon them, therefore," &c. In spite Nov. 29, 1821. f the tenderness and ability of the Ladle Court, near the Devil's. perator, he, whose luminary is so put Punch Bowl, Surrey.

DROUTHINÉSS.
I had a dream, which was not all-my-eye.
The deep wells were exhausted, and the pumps
Delivered nothing but a windy groän
To those who plied their handles ; and the clouds
Hung like exsuccous sponges in the sky.
Morn came and went--and came and brought no rain,
And men forgot their hunger in the dread
Of utter failure of all drink-their chops
Were all athirst for something potable;
And they did swig, from hogsheads, brandy, wine,
Cyder, brown-stout, and such like, meant to serve
For future merry-makings--cellars dim,
Were soon dismantled of the regular tiers
Of bottles, which were piled within their binns;
Small beer was now held precious--yea, they gulp'd
Black treacle, daubing childish visages,
Gripe-giving vinegar, and sallad oil.
Nor were old phials, filld with doctor's stuff,
Things to be sneezed at now they toss'd them off.
Happy were they who dwelt within the reach
Of the pot-houses, and their foaming taps.
Barrels were all a-broach-and hour by hour
The spigots ran and then a hollow sound
Told that the casks were out and the Red Ców,
The Cat and Bagpipes; or the Dragon Green,
Could serve no customergu-their pots were vold.
The moods of men, in this unwatery,
Small-beerless time, were different. Some sát,

Unbuttoning their waistcoats, while they frown'd, 1

Scarce knowing what they did ; while hopeful, soine
Button'd their breeclres-pockets up, and smiled;

And servant lasses scurried to and fro, !

With mops unwet, and buckets, wondering when 1

The puddles would be filld, that they might scrub
The household foors; but finding puddles none,
They deem'd their pattens would grow obsolete
Things of forgotten ages. So they took
Their disappointed mops, and render'd them
Back to their dry receptacles. The birds
Forsook the papery leaves. The dairy cows
Went dry, and were not milk’d. Incessantly
Ducks quack'd, aye stumbling on with flabby feet,
Over the sun-baked mud, which should have felt
Pulpy beneath their bills; and eels did crawl
Out from what had been ponds, and needed not
The angler's baited hook, or wicker-pot,
To catch them now,-

for they who baffled erst,
Through sliminess, man's grasp, were still indeed
Wrigglingbut dusty, they were skinn'd for food.

He who, by lucky chance, had wherewithal
To wet his whistle, took his drop apart,
And smack'd his lips alone ; small love was left ;
Folks had but then one thought, and that was drink,
Where to be had, and what? The want of it
Made most men cross, and eke most women too.
The patient lost their patience, and the sour
Grew still more crabbed, sharp-nosed, and shrill-yoiced.
Even cats did scratch their maiden mistresses,
Angry that milk forthcame not,--all, save one,
And he was faithful to the virgin dame
Who petted him ;-but, be it not conceald,
The rumour ran that he his whiskers greased
From a pomatum-pot, and so he quella
The rage of thirst; himself sought nought to lap,
But, with a piteous and perpetual mew,
And a quick snivelling sneeze, sat bundled up,
And taking matters quietly—he lived.
The crowd forsook our village ; only two
Of the parishioners still tarried there,
And they were enemies; they met beside
(One only stood before and one behind,)
The empty settle of a public-house,
Where had been heap'd a mass of pots and mugs
For unavailing usage; they snatch'd up,
And, scraping, lick’d, with their pounced-parchment tongues,
The porter-pots a-dust ; their eager eyes
Dived into gin-bottles, where gin was not,
Labell’d in mockery,-then they lifted up
Their eyes for one brief moment, but it was
To hang their heads more sillily, ashamed
Each of his futile quest ;-but'twas enough
For recognition, each saw, and leer'd, and grinn'd.
Even at their mutual sheepishness they grinn'd,
Discovering how upon each foolish face
Shyness had written Quiz. The land was dry;
Day pass'd, defrauded of its moistest meals,
Breakfastless, milkless, tealess, soupless, punchless, ---
All things were dry,-a chaos grimed with dust.
Tubs washer-womanless, replete with chinks,
Stood in their warping tressels-suds were nope;
And dirty linen lost all heart, and hope
Of due ablution--shirts were worn a month
White pocket-handkerchiefs were quite abandon'd,
And so were nankin inexpressibles
Yea, most things washable,-and Washing seem'd
To threaten that henceforth it must be named
Among lost arts. Water had fled the Earth,
And left no tears in people's eyes to weep
It's sad departure ;-Drouthiness did reign
Queen over all-She was the universe!

THE LEG OF MUTTON SCHOOL OF PROSE.

No. 1.
The Cook's Oracle. *

a

a

Doctor KITCHENER, we are quite the author of the “ Cook's Oracle is ready to take for granted, is a very hale the man. Why then has the Doctor ind praise-worthy person indeed, pos- thus wantonly deviated from the orbit sessing an excellent appetite and libe- in which he was wisely destined to al mind, blending considerable know- revolve?-why has he forsaken the edge with strong powers of digestion, safe and beaten track of physic, to ind uniting the stomach of a horse to wander amid the wilds and mazes of he nobler attributes of man. With cookery ?-why must he exchange the ill this, however, we do not hesitate to spatula for the carving-knife—the pill, pronounce him the most unfit person the bolus, the electuary, for the rump, in the world to write a cookery-book. the cutlet, the ragout? Are there no Many of these qualities are certainly boundaries to the erratic flights of geperfectly inconsistent with that deli- nius in these days of universal acquireate and refined discrimination of the ment, and are we destined yet to see palatal organs which forms the very the astronomer descending to the basis of the philosophy of the stew- kitchen from his “ watch-tower in pan. They may indeed enable the the sky,” squinting with one eye at vorthy Doctor to appreciate with per- the planets, and with the other at the ect accuracy the merits or defects of spit, and simultaneously watching, iny given dish of beef and cabbage- with equal ardour, the transit of Venus, o shine as a connoisseur on Yorkshire- and the simmering of the turkey? pudding--a dilettante on bubble-and- Whether such professional aberraqueak-or to descant with much pre- tions are ever to become common ision on the scientific preparation of whether we are destined to encounter oly-poly dumplings, or the mystical Dr Baillie in a white apron, in the act inion of goose and apple-sauce. But of skewering a wild-duck, or Sir Henry o all the nobler and more lofty aspi- Halford brandishing a soup-ladle in ations of the art-to all its finer and the kitchen, we shall not venture to aore shadowy perfections--to that ex- predict; but regarding such encroachjuisite and transcendental" gout" ments with considerable jealousy, we vhich marks the most complicated shall certainly discountenance them lishes of a master, we take leave to as much as in us lies, till we find consider him an utter stranger. them sanctioned by higher names and

It is perhaps to be lamented that a weightier authority than those of Dr erson whose constitution affords such Kitchener. vidence of abdominal and mental It is an axiom, founded on experiower, displaying so rare and envie ence, that strength in the digestive ble an amalgamation of the spirit organs is never found united to delicacy nd the flesh, should have been led of perception in the palatal ones; or, nprofitably to devote himself to the in other words, that nicety of taste is nly pursuit in which these distinc found to be uniformly connected with ions must contribute to impede his delicacy of stomach. The degree of

If ever there was a person vigilance exercised by the palate in the narked out by nature not to cook, but admission of intruders is constantly o devour-not to study and explain regulated by the tone and temper of he works of creation, but “inwardly the stomach. Where the latter is roo digest them;" one who is “ Fruges bust and vigorous in the performance onsumere natus," and destined of its various functions, the caution of -in viscera viscera condi

the former is always proportionably Congestoque avidum pinguescere corpore relaxed; and the instant that a man's corpus,"

stomach becomes strong enough to dia

uccess.

* The Cook's Oracle; containing Receipts for Plain Cookery on the most economical lan for Private Families; also, the art of composing the most simple and most highly nished Broths, Gravies, Soups, Sauces, Store-Sauces, and Flavouring Essences : The uantity of each article is accurately stated by weight and measure: The whole being he result of Actual Experiments instituted in the Kitchen of a Physician. The Third dition, which is alnost entirely re-written. London: Printed for Constable and 2o. Edinburghs and Hurst, Robinson, and Co. Cheapside, London. 1821.

must

gest horse-flesh, he will then consider moment of our lives, our tastes are horse-flesh no unpalatable food. Thus changing ; and though the palate be it is, that obtuseness of stomach can the compass which ascertains the va. never be united to vividness of per- riation, yet, like the compass, it only ception in the palate ; and as the hands marks the consequences which a more of a watch are found to indieate the active agent has produced. No man, existing state of the internal machi- we imagine, is so ignorant as to prenery, so is the acuteness of our taste tend that the change which is contidependant on the internal process of nually taking place in our appetites is digestion. Of the relative duties of produeed by the direct influence of these two portions of our physical or- external circumstances on the palate

. ganization, Dr Kitchener appears to be It is not so. They affect the palatal considerably more ignorant than might organs only by an indirect and reflex have been expected from one profess- power ; their primary action is on the edly writing on the philosophy of stomach, and on that alone. cookery. The stomach, to adopt a As a corollary from these general simile, is a very hospitable gentleman, principles, we take it to be evident

, who is unfashionable enough to live in that the vigour and vivacity of bowels

, 'a sunk story, as his ancestors have by which the Doctor is distinguished, always done before him since the me are quite sufficient to incapacitate him mory of man; the palate is the foot for the task he has undertaken. A good man, whose duty it is to receive all cook must enter the kitchen in a state strangers at the top of the stairs, and of body entirely the reverse of that in announce their rank and quality before which a pugilist enters the ring. A they are suffered to descend to the month or two of Captain Barclay would apartments of his master. The latter ruin him for life. The Knight of the is occasionally rather irritable and Fives, and be of the Smoke-jack, cholerick, and, in such humours, proceed on very different principles scruples not to kick out his guests, The biliary secretions of common men when their company is disagreeable, are not sufficient for the cook. In him, who rush past the astonished footman bile must be redundant; and if he is

at the landing-place, and make their troubled with dyspepsia, or afflicted exit with far less ceremony than pre- with a constitutional tenesmus, so cipitation. He also uniformly expresses much the better. Trust not thy diothe greatest horror at the very idea of ner, gentle reader, trust not thy dinner receiving a second visit from the guests in the hands of a muscular and healthy he had previously expelled ; being, no cook. He will poison you with suerte doubt, in dread of the voluminous and hog's fat-his dishes will be redoapologies which such a circumstance lent of garlic and cabbage all --would render necessary, for his former of abominations will assail your palate rude and indefensible proceedings. and your nose--your senses will be But to return

come mere avenues of punishmentz, Whatever tends to moderate or in- farewell the balmy stew, the mild and crease the vivacity of our bowels, never savoury fricasee, the delicate

, the stia fails to produce a corresponding influ- mulating ragout 1. Thereis death in the enee on our taste. The viands which pat! Swallow his infernal prepare the state of our visceral temperament tions, and you will live the miserable atone timexenders most grateful to our and unwieldy victim of corpulenge, palate, become absolutely nauseous at or, by a more merciful dispensation, another. Is the revolution of the earth die at once under the dietetic inflicmore complete than the change which tions of this culinary Hottentot. The takes place, and is continually taking introduction of the fatal horse into the place, in the taste and appetites of the walls of Troy produced not half the same individual, « from morn till evils which the admission of the dishes 4 noon, from noon till dewy evea of such a cook will occasion in your summer's-day?” In siekness and in stomach. In rain will you have to health, in youth and age, at sea and course to bitters, or court the asista on land, in rest and motion, in town ance of the brandy-bottle-in vielen and country, at home and abroad, in will you seek relief from the peristaltic a state of repletion and one of inani- persuaders of Dr Kitchener

, for you tion, in every possible alteration

of there is no virtue in materia medicoexternal circumstances, -nay, in every no tonic power in rhubarb, gentian, a

manner

be