time,) with the appalling news of there being no turbot in the market-" Naething at a' but stinking cod, and a few auld-keepit haddies.” This was excessively unlucky, for I had asked my friends particularly to eat turbot, and 1 depended on it as the sheet-anchor of the purposed dinner. Mrs Columbus was excessively mortified on the occasion; for, in addition to this, a domestic calamity had occurred in the falling of the stock for the soup from its perch on the kitchen-grate, and extinguishing the fire, besides saturating our only roast of beef with coal-ashes and soot. It was now evident, that do as we could, there was to be no dinner for that day. I therefore, at two oclock, sat down and wrote notes to the few friends whom we had invited, stating that an unforeseen circumstance had occurred, which would deprive me of the pleasure of seeing them at my house.

Having, as I thought, now got rid of all my troubles, connected with this affair, I gave myself no farther disquiet; but at half-past four sat down to a beef-steak, and a cold fowl, the remains of yesterday's dinner. I had scarcely finished my meal, however, when the clock struck five, and almost at the same moment the door bell rung with violence. Starting from the table, and wiping my mouth, the possibility of my friends not having received my notes of anti-invitation first struck me. This was not the time for long deliberation; and I had dispatched the children to the nursery, exchanged half-adozen sentences with Mrs Columbus, and given the servant some necessary instructions, all in the short space of three minutes. Up stairs I then flew to the drawing-room, and throwing myself on a couch, took a newspaper, and assumed the appearance of one endeavouring to while away the time till dinner was ready. My friends were ushered in, devilish hungry, as they said, from having a long ride or walk, I forget which, and expressing a wish that the dinner would not be long in coming. After waiting fully half an hour, during which I had started fifty different subjects, such as the weather-the King-the Queen-the players the clergy-poor-rates-and the national debt-any one of which was sufficient in ordinary circumstances to have filled up an afternoon; (why

should I conceal the truth- potfull of potatoes had to be got ready,) notice was given in common form, that "dinner was on the table." No information could be more agreeable; for when I offered a remark, or propounded a theme for conversation, the answer was, Ay, we shall discuss that after discussing the dinner.""We never talk of politics on an empty stomach."

Down stairs we went at last. But no smoking viands graced the board; a cold round of beef, and a cold cut of salmon from a neighbouring cook's shop; two cold fowls, ditto from ditto; six small goose-berry tarts, ditto, ditto; and the said potatoes and cauliflower, formed the tout ensemble of a dinner got up in half an hour after the family had already dined. My excuse for the want of turbot, which I saw was anxiously looked for, was, that the cook had spoiled it in dressing; that the carrier who should have brought my mutton from Dunfermline (they kill capital mutton at Dunfermline) had not arrived ;-and for the want of hot dishes, that I never could bear warm meat in any thing like hot weather. My guests very good-naturedly sympathized with my misfortunes. We cursed all bad and careless cooks-gave stupid carriers to the devil in chorus ; and in the intervals of mastication and speaking, washed down the cold victuals with my good Madeira. Though little George, my youngest boy, when he made his appearance after dinner, exclaimed, in the fulness of his little heart," Papa's getting two dinners today, Betty says, is not that funny?" and several other allusions were made to what had actually happened; yet I did not perceive that my friends noticed the circumstance, at least I flattered myself they did not, and we spent altogether a very pleasant evening. I had not the courage at the time to tell my misfortunes at marketing, or the adventure of the turbot, as the true reason of the cold dinner; and should not now have revealed the secret, but that being in the country, I shall not have the honour of being laughed at for a month to come.

As I, Christopher Columbus, am almost the only modern writer (except, perhaps, my cousin North), who knows how to blend mirth and morality sweetly together, and as there

are assuredly few living authors besides myself, who take the trouble

"To point a moral, and adorn a tale,"

out "

I cannot conclude this chapter witha few words," as my friend the Rev. Dr Dolittle weekly says, "by way of application." Gentle reader, it hath been remarked that a blunder is like a bog-the more you struggle you stick the faster,-and the observation is founded in truth. If it should happen you, in the jostlings and bustlings of life, to make a wrong step, pray do not flounce and flounder too violently, like a bemired cow, for in that case you will infallibly sink deeper into the mud. No; patiently look around you and survey the ground. Perhaps a stray passenger may lend a hand to set you on firm footing. Or,

if this is not to be expected, (for the crowd, alas! are more apt to jest at than commiserate,) do take it in good humour, and laugh yourself at your absurd situation, if it be an innocent one. The worst is, a bespattered coat, and dirty shoes, which, when properly brushed and cleaned, sets all to rights, and the thing is forgotten, or only remembered to be the subject of merriment. But the stains of moral error are not so easily washed away; and, to avoid the bogs which lie on every side of the road of life, bedecked on their unsteady surface with wild flowers to attract your unwary steps, be careful to keep straight in the well-defined road to your final home, without turning to the right hand or to the left,-strong in your integrity, and trusting in the final reward of virtue.

FROM the memorable night of the nineteenth of July, much anxiety prevailed among the reading and eating part of the public. His Majesty's Odontist had disappeared. The jovial world pined at this occultation of the brightest luminary of the Magazine, as nature is saddened by the absence of the sun. Some thought a certain Duchess-dowager, fat, fair, and forty, had whisked him into her chariot, and borne him away to her boudoir. But how idle are all vulgar conjectures with respect to the movements of great men! Doctor Scott was travelling to Paris. He knows how wide his fame has spread, and like kings and other illustrious characters, to save trouble to the corporations of the different towns and cities through which his route lay, he preserved the strictest incognito. We alone were in the secretand to us he has confided the important results of his visit. What a sensation shortly in the literary world!!— "Travels in France and England, by his Majesty's Odontist." But let us not anticipate. At present we have only to describe the gladdenings of his return.

On the sixth of the month, as we were sitting in the midst of our contributors in the Back-shop, assembled to determine the contents of the present Number, the joyful cry was heard, "Doctor Scott's come! the Doctor's cast up!" and the "fine

fat fadgel wight" himself soon inade his appearance, his beaming countenance ascending the steps, like rosy Phoebus from the lap of Aurora. "Huzza," cried the traveller, flourishing his switch as he came forward, “I have been to Paris."-"To Paris, Doctor," was echoed by all present not in the secret; and immediately every one, like the priests and worshippers instal ling the Grand Lama of Thibet in his altar-throne, was more emulous than another to place the Odontist in the chair, which, with as much alacrity as our rheumatism would permit, we had evacuated the moment he made his appearance.

"Now for't, Doctor," was the universal cry; "what have ye seen? come tell us all. Begin at the beginning, when ye left London."

"It was fine weather," replied the doctor; "there was na a mot in the lift till we got ayont Canterbury. There I saw twa droll black clouds fleeing aboon a hill-corbie-like things

I didna like the looks o' themthe devil's yonder in the air, quo Iand we soon fan' the truth o't. He flappit his wings, and brought on a perfect hurricane, when we were in the packet. The vessel heel'd o'er, till I thought she would hae coupit, and made a clean whamle o't. Lordsake, it was dreadful; and a poor bit German princey that we had on board, I thought would hae decanted his in

side. At every bock, he shot out his neck and open mouth, as if he would hae swallow't the sun out o' the firmament. Lordsake, what a creighling the creature made, raxing and hadding its sides. Its man was obliged to grip it by the tail, for fear it would hae loupen out the ship in its desperation. But a' was nothing to Paris. Lordsake, but yon is a whirligigplace; a' the folk are daft, and they mak every body sae that gangs there. At our tabledot fifty-eight dined every day; twenty were Glasgow folk, a very extraordinar thing; we sang Great George is King, wi' hands cleekit after dinner. The French thought we were mad, but we were very civil to them, and after the King's health we drank auld Loui, and had Henry Quatre. But the cookery was damn'd badthey don't know how to cook yonder they have no gout-they boil the meat to tavers, and mak sauce o' the brue to other dishes-they have nothing savoury or solid-but for a' that they are desperate eaters-Lordsake what trash it is they eat; I have seen them sitting at their supper, with their yellow faces, like puddocks round a plate, crunching custocks.-There can be nae comfort in yon way o' living-They breakfast in public coffee-rooms, and spend a' the day as if they had nothing to do, and their nights in that hell-upon-yearth the Palace RoyalLordsake yon is an awfu' place! I was just terrified to gie a keek in-for a' that, I tried to see every thing-But if ye take away the palaces and other public buildings, there's naething to be seen in Paris-a filthy town-ye might crack a whip out of ae window intil anither in the house fornent But for a' that the French have some clever points of character-their silks are very extraordinar, and really very cheap-But I didna smuggle ony, because I had nae need.-But in their churches the villany of man was manifest; it wasna that ony body was there; the priests said their ridiculous paternosters in a manner to themselves; they had nae hearers, so the villany of man was clear in the sin of omission.-Heaven knows what will come o' them when they die-they ken naething o' the Lord, but a deal o' the deevil-and yet yon Peer la Shaize is a very beautiful place, adorned with flowers.-They have flowers in glass boxes on some head-stones for the

ghosts at night to look at-it's, however, a pretty sight to see them.-But there are many other places besides yon burying ground very comfortable in Paris.-The coffee-room o' a' ithers that I thought the most sae, was ane at the Luxemburgh-and the vin ordinair is excellent, only fifteen pence the bottle-pleasure's very cheap, for which cause so many of our countrymen go yonder.-They repute that more than fifty thousand English souls are at this time in Paris.-But I'm sure I wonder what they see at the French-a whirligig set of deevils-nae stability in them-and Lordsake what a clatter the bodies hae-no end, nor method either, in their discourse-and nothing cordial and sincere about them-their friendship's but lip-deep like their cookery, it has nae fusion in't-a'shew. Ye canna cut and come again on their kindness-but the bodies hae a civil way with them for a' that, and it's no possible to be angry at their parleyvoos.-Istaid three weeks amang them, and hae nae reason to complain-but it's just a miracle to see how the creatures can gab and eat, ye would think they hadna got a wholesome meal o' meat a' their days before, and that their tongues were just loosened by a thaw; their words come running out o' their mouths like a burn at beltane; they hae no end.-Unless ye can speak French, ye ken nae mair what they hae been saying when they are done, than when they began."

"But, Doctor," said we, "how did you find public opinion? What state are the Bonapartists in? Chop-fallen, no doubt."

"Confoundit moudiwarts !-They durst na shew their snouts where I was. Thumourts, that would sook the blood o' auld honest Loui's cocks and hens.-But a's loyalty yonder noo, The jacobin trade's clean up and dished. They're a' broken-gane to pigs and whistles-like the Whigs amang oursels."

"That may be the case at present, Doctor, but when the King dies

32

"The King dee! Yon's a hale and gausy carle-meat-like and claith-like

aiblins now and then fashed wi' a bit gimbletting o' the gout in his muckle-tae-but what o' that! I hae't whiles mysel, and ne'er a prin the war o't. Na, na!-there's nae dead-ill about Loui. Lord-sake, Kit, what gars you think that fat folk are mair