must set this down as an unprofitable day, and pray that it may not be remembered against me in judg ment. February 10.-After prayer and reading this morning, I was thinking on my trials, when the Lord was pleased to shew me that they proceed from the malice of his enemies, who rage violently when likely to lose their prey. This accounts for my trouble increasing when I get nearer to the Lord. This plainly appears from the nature of my trials, as they tend to make me weary of religion, and to comply with the world for present ease. But art not thou, O blessed Jehovah, stronger than the enemy? Thou art able to preserve me. Unto thee I flee for protection and strength in the hour of temptation. Unto thee do I commit my soul. This afternoon I was enabled to continue some time in prayer. I endeavoured to lay hold on the Lord as my righteousness and my intercessor. I solemnly gave myself to him, and besought him that I might not rest short of any of the privileges of his people; but that he would purify my soul, and bring it to as great a degree of conformity to his image and will as was possible in this life, whatever I might suffer. I desired him alone as my portion, and took him to witness that I was willing to forsake all things for his sake. I went in the evening to the meeting, and found some access to the Lord in singing the first hymn, and in prayer. In my way home, I put up a prayer, which was answered. My trials this evening were more severe than common; I have reason to bless God for the composure of spirit with which I have been enabled to bear them. Thy mercies, O God, are infinite! O that my heart was more grateful! 1770. DIARY. 137 Communion Sabbath, Edinburgh, February 11.-I had broken rest last night, with the thoughts of the ensuing solemnity, and had some hope that this day would be the time of deliverance to my soul. In the morning I besought the Lord to confirm this hope, and went to church with some degree of comfort in that view. But, alas! I did not find him whom I sought. My mind was distracted with impatience, and I returned in great distress from the table. Being much dejected, I said to myself, will the Lord hide himself for ever? will he be favourable no more?-At that instant Dr Webster began to serve a table, with these words, "Perhaps some one is saying, will the Lord hide himself for ever? will he be favourable no more? Let such take comfort; the Lord is nigh, though you perceive him not: he will yet come, though not now," &c. At this moment. I felt that the Lord was nigh, and that he gave a persuasion that he would visit me in his own time. My heart replied, it is well; let the Lord come in his own time, I will still wait on him and put my trust in him. I had at different times some sweet intimation that he was near, and that my prayers were heard; and could with confidence say, I have chosen the Lord as my portion, and desire no other. I saw the beauty of this choice, and could say, Lord, thou who knowest all things, knowest that I desire to love thee above all. Much cause have I to lament over wandering thoughts and hypocrisy, that mixes in all my duties. O that the Lord would deliver me from them!-I have to remark this day, an answer of a prayer I put up when at the Lord's table. Glory to God for this and all his mercies! Monday, February 12.-I heard an excellent sermon to-day from one I was prejudiced against. From this circumstance I would learn to despise no man, for the Lord can make use of any man to convey instruction to others. This evening I went to see a dear friend, when I uttered many idle words, and repeated a conversation to the prejudice of another, trying to raise myself at their expense. May this be a warning to me, and teach me to set a watch before my mouth, and to keep the door of my lips, even when with a bosom friend. Tuesday, February 13.-An unprofitable day.-I had no time in the morning for reading and serious prayer. Company most of the day;-tried to pray before dinner, but could not to any purpose. I have been very miserable all day under the slavery of the world;-wishing to be released from vain company. Lord, pardon the sins of this day! Wednesday, February 14.-Worse, if possible, than yesterday. Dined out in a large company-paid visits in the evening-was much indisposed in body, and my whole soul sick. The bondage of the people of the world grows daily more insupportable. I must give them up in order to be happy. Without God, this world is a miserable place; I will, therefore, take him for my portion. Thursday, February 15.-Carried Miss B to see Lady M-; found myself a little enlivened by her conversation; brought Miss Bhome with me, and endeavoured to stir her up to more devotedness of heart to the Lord; but while speaking to her, I felt 1770. DIARY. 139 need myself of instruction. Carried her in the evening to the meeting, and was somewhat refreshed there. Sunday, February 18.-This morning my devotions were cold and languid. I went to church and heard sermon; I came home much dissatisfied with it and with myself. In the afternoon I heard Mr Gibson of St Cuthbert's, on our Saviour the light of the world; but got little benefit. I lamented my case before the Lord, but got no comfort. I have neither light nor faith at present, and am afraid of falling again into the world. My life is bitter; I know not what will become of me, if the Lord does not take compassion on me, and deliver me from my present spiritual bondage. Sunday Evening.-Upon taking a review of last week, I find I have lost ground, and am farther from the mark than when I began. I see several causes of this-viz. want of watchfulness after the sacrament, which is a time in which the enemy is always most busy to draw away my soul from God. I therefore resolve, through God's grace, if ever I have another opportunity, to double my diligence in prayer, after partaking of that blessed ordinance. I have been more engaged in company than usual. This is a snare to the feet, which I pray God I may be enabled for the future to avoid as much as possible. I have been very much afflicted to-day with a suggestion from the enemy of souls, that it was in vain I sought the Lord, seeing I got no answer to my prayers; that it mattered not what I did, for the Lord would not come the sooner. Blessed be God, I saw it was a temptation and did not yield to it. No, I will wait on thee, O blessed Jesus, in a way of duty, knowing that it is in the use of the means that thou art most frequently found; and as thou hast given me this light, if I follow it not, I thereby cut myself off from all hope of finding thee. The Lord hath said, Seek and ye shall find,-ask and it shall be given. What a gracious command is this! No limitation; we are commanded to come, and ask whatever we will. Lord, I beseech thee, give me a new heart to love thee, to praise thee, to glorify thee. I beseech thee to give me a lively faith-to fill me with the Holy Ghost-to sanctify me wholly-to unite me unto thee, and make me partaker of thy holiness-to preserve me unspotted from the world-to blot out all my transgressionsrenew me after thy image, and save me to the uttermost. Employ me, if it be thy will, in promoting thy glory on earth, and when thou hast no more to do with me here, take me to thyself to enjoy thee for ever. I beseech thee to grant thy salvation also to all with whom I am connected;-my husband, parents, friends, acquaintances, and servants. Grant that all my household may receive thy blessing, and believe on thee to the saving of their souls. I beseech thee also for thy church. Pour out thy Spirit on thy ministers. May they be messengers of peace to many souls. May thy kingdom come with power to this land. I beseech thee also for the poor ignorant heathen. O send thy gospel unto them, and cause thy light to arise on the dark corners of the earth. Have compassion on those who are under delusion and superstition; open their eyes and cause them to repent, and turn to thee, the living God, from idols. And finally, O Lord, grant that thy will may be done on earth as it is done in heaven. Let all men praise thee. Let every thing thou hast made rejoice in thee, thou Creator and Redeemer. For thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory, now and for ever. Amen. |