amends for his invention. You must allow he has humour, Mr. Mordecai. Morde. O cuor mio! How can you think so? Bating his scandal, dull, dull as an alderman after six pounds of turtle, four bottles of port, and twelve pipes of tobacco. Char. Ha, ha, ha! Oh! surfeiting, surfeiting! Morde. The man, indeed, has something droll, something ridiculous in him; his abominable Scots accent, his grotesque visage almost buried in snuff, the roll of his eyes, and twist of his mouth, his strange, inhuman laugh, his tremendous periwig, and his manner altogether, indeed, has something so caricaturely risible in it, that-ha, ha, ha!-may I die, madam, if I don't take him for a mountebankdoctor at a Dutch fair. Char. Oh, oh! what a picture has he drawn! Serv. Sir Archy Macsarcasm is below, madam. Char. Shew him up. [Exit Serv. Morde. Don't you think, madam, he is a horrid, foul-mouthed, uncouth fellow? He is worse to me, madam, than assafoetida, or a tallow chandler's shop in the dog-days; his filthy high-dried poisons me, and his scandal is grosser than a hackney newswriter's: madam, he is as much despised by his own countrymen as by the rest of the world. The better sort of Scotland never keep him company: but that is entre nous, entre nous. Sir A. [Without.] Randol, bid Sawney be here wi' the chariot at aught o'clock exactly. Enter Sir ARCHY MACSARCASM.[MORDECAI runs up to embrace him.] Ha, ha, ha! my chield o' circumcision, gre's a wag o' yer loof; hoo d'ye do, my bonny Eesraelite? Morde. Always at your service, Sir Archy. He stinks worse than a Scotch snuff-shop. [Aside. Sir A. Weel, Mordecai, I see ye are as deeligent in the service o' yer mistress as in the service o' yer leuking-glass, for yer face and yer thoughts are a' turned upon the ane or the ither. Morde. And I see your wit, Sir Archy, like a lawyer's tongue, will ever retain its usual politeness and good-nature. Char. Coming forward.] Ha, ha, ha! Civil and witty on both sides. Sir Archy, your most obedient. [Curtseys. Sir A. Ten thoosand pardons, madam, I didna observe ye; I hope I see yer ladyship weel. Ah! ye look like a diveenity. [Bowing awkwardly and low. Char. Sir Archy, this is immensely gallant. Sir A. Weel, madam, I see my friend Mordecai here, is determined to tak' awa' the prize frae us a'. Ha, ha, ha! He is tricked out in a' the colours o' the rainboo. Char. Mr. Mordecai is always well dressed, Sir Archy. Sir A. Upon honour, he is as fine as a jay. Turn aboot, mon, turn aboot; let us view yer finery: stap alang, and let us see yer shapes; he has a bonny march wi' him; vary weel, vary aleegant. Ha, ha, ha! Guid troth! I think I never saw a tooth-drawer better dressed in a' my life. [Admiring MORDECAI's dress. Char. Ha, ha, ha? Morde. You are very polite, sir. Char. But, Sir Archy, what is become of my Irish lover, your friend, Sir Callaghan? I hope he dines here. Sir A. Ah, ah! guid faith wull he! I hae brought him alang wi' me. Char. What, is he in the house? Sir A. Ay, in this very mansion, madam; for ye maun ken, that, like the monarchs o' auld, I never travel noo withoot my feul. Char. Then, pray, Sir Archy, exhibit your fool. Morde. Let's have a slice of him. Sir A. Jauntly, jauntly; no' so fast! he's no' in right order yet. Char. How do you mean, Sir Archy ? Sir A. Madam, as we came hither, I cooncelled him to write a love epistle to you, by way o' introduction till his courship: he is noo aboot it below stairs, an' in ten minutes ye may look to see an amorous billet, sic as hae nae been penned sin' the days o' Don Quixote. Ha, ha, ha! Char. Oh, charming! I shall be impatient till I see his passion upon paper. Sir A. Gude faith! madam, he has done that already; for he has composed a jargon that he ca's a sonnet, upon his bewitching Charlotte, as he terms you. Mordecai, you have heard him sing it. Morde. I beg your pardon, Sir Archy, I have heard him roar it. Madam, we had him last night at the tavern, and made him give it to us in an Irish howl, that might be heard from hence to West Chester. Sir A. Ha, ha, ha! Why, ye have a deevilish deal o' wit, Mordecai. Char. Ha, ha, ha! I must hear this song. Morde. Madam, your servant: I will leave Sir Archy to entertain you for a few minutes. Char. You are not going, Mr. Mordecai? Morde. Madam, I am only going down stairs to see if Sir Callaghan is disengaged; and if he be, to have a laugh at him before dinner, by way of a whet; that's all, madam; only by way of a whet. Sir A. But, harkye! Mr. Mordecai, not a seelable o' the letter. Morde. Oh! never fear me, Sir Archy, I am as secret as a spy. [Exit. Sir A. What a fantastical baboon this Eesraelite maks o' himsel'! the fallow is the mockery o' the hale nation. Char. Why, to say the truth, he is entertaining, Sir Archy. Sir A. Oh! yes, he is ridiculous, therefore, very usefu' in society; for wharever he comes there maun be laughter. But, now, madam, if ye please, a word or twa o' oor ain matters: ye see I dinna pester ye wi' flames, and darts, and sighings, and lamentations, and freevolous protestations, like yer silly lovers in a romance; for ye ken I always speak my thoughts wi' a blunt integrity: madam, I love you, and gin I didna, I wad scorn to say it. Char. Oh! Sir Archy, all the world allows you sincerity, which is the most valuable quality a friend or a lover can possess. Sir A. Vary true, madam; therefore, I cannot help gi'ing ye a bit o' advice concerning these fallows aboot ye, wha ca' themsels your lovers. 'Squire Groom, doubtless, is a man o' honour, and my vary gude friend, but he is a beggar, a beggar; and, touching this Mordecai, the fallow's walthy, 'tis true; yes, yes, he is walthy, but he is a reptile, a mere reptile! and, as to the Irishman, Sir Callaghan O'Brallaghan, the fallow's weel eneugh to laugh at, but I wad hae ye look aboot ye there; for ye ken that yer guardian is his uncle, and, to my certain knowledge, there is a design upon yer for tune in that quarter, depend upon it. Char. Very possible, Sir Archy, very possible; for a woman's fortune, I believe, is the principal object of every lover's wish. Sir A. Madam, yer observation is very orthodox, in truth, as to Mordecai, Sir Callaghan, 'Squire Groom, and sic like fallows; but men o' honourmen o' honour, madam, hae ither principles, I assure ye, lady, the tenor o' my affection is nae for your pecuniar, but for the mental graces o' yer saul, and the deevine perfections o' yer body, which are, indeed, to me a Peru and a Mexico. Char. Oh! Sir Archy, you overwhelm me. Sir A. Madam, I speak upon the veerity o' mine honour; beside, madam, gin ye marry me, ye wull marry a man o' sobreety and economy: 'tis true, I am not in the high-day o' blude, yet, as the poet sings, "far frae the vale o' years;" not like our young flashy whipsters, that gang aff like a squib or a cracker on a rejoicing night, in a noise and a stink, and are never heard o' after. Char. You are certainly right, Sir Archy, the young fellows of fashion are mere trifles. Sir A. They are baubles, madam; absolute baubles and prodigals; therefore, ye should preponderate the matter weel before ye mak' yer election. Consider, madam, there is nae scant o' walth or honour in oor family. Lady, we hae, in the house o' Macsarcasm, twa barons, three viscounts, sax earls, ane marquisate, and twa dukes, besides baronets and lairds oot o' a' reckoning. Char. Ha, ha, ha! Sir A. What gars ye laugh, madam? Char. I beg your pardou, sir; but-ha, ha, ha! -I am laughing to-ha, ha, ha!-to think what a number of noble relations I shall have. Sir A. 'Faith! wull ye, madam; and ither guess families than ye hae in this part o' the world. Odswuns! madam, there is as much difference betwixt our nobeelity o' the north, and your's o' the south, as there is between a hound o' 'blude and a mangrel. Char. Ha, ha, ha Pray, how do you make out that, Sir Archy? Sir A. Why, madam, in Scotland, a' oor nobeelity are sprung frae monarchs, warriors, heroes, and glorious achievements; now, here in the south, ye are a' sprung frae sugar-hogsheads, rum-puncheons, woo'-packs, hop-sacks, earn-bars, and tar-jackets; in short, ye are a composeetion of Jews, Turks, and refugees, and o' a' the commercial vagrants o' the land and sea; a sort of amphibious breed ye are. Char. Ha, ha, ha! We are a strange mixture, indeed; nothing like so pure and noble as you are in the north. Sir A. Oh! naething like it, madam, naething like it; we are o' another kidney. Now, madam, as ye yoursel' are nae weel propagated, as ye hae the misfortune to be a child o' commerce, ye should endeavour to mak' your espousals into ane o' oor auncient noble families o' the north; for ye maun ken, madam, that sic an alliance wull purify yer blude, and gie ye a rank and consequence in the warld that a' yer pelf, were it as muckle as the bank o' Edenbrough, cou'dna purchase for ye. Char. Very true, Sir Archy, very true; upon my word, your advice is friendly and impartial, and I will think of it. Morde. Troth is he, madam; he is inpatient be with the army in Germany. Sir C. [Within.] Is Sir Archy Macsarcasm und the lady this way, do you say, young man? Serv. Within. Yes, sir. Sir C. Within.] Then, I'll trouble yová a further ceremony. Enter Sir CALLAGHAN O'BRALLAGEAN. Madam, I am your most devoted and most obeint humble servant, and am proud to have the boa of kissing your fair hand this morning. [Salutes CHARLOTTE Char. Sir Callaghan, your humble servant, I am sorry to hear we are likely to lose you I was in hopes the campaign had been quite over in Getmany for this winter. Sir C. Yes, madam, it was quite over, but it begi again: a true genius never loves to quit the beatin he has left himself nothing to do; for they know, madan, he can keep it with more safety. Sir A. Well, but, Sir Callagban, just as ye ear the apartment, the lady was urging she should an it mightily, gin ye wad favour her wi' a slight n rative of the late transactions and battles in Germany. Char. If Sir Callaghan would be so obliging. Sir C. Oh dear madam, don't ax me. Char. Sir, I beg pardon; I would not press any thing that I thought might be disagreeable to you. Sir C. Oh! dear madam, it is not for that; but it rebuts a man of honour to be talking to ladies of battles, and sieges, and skirmages; it looks like gasconading and making the fanfaron. Besides, madam, I give you my honour, there is no sca thing in nature as making a true description of a battle. Char. How so, sir? Sir C. Why, madam, there is so much daing everywhere, there is no knowing what is drae any where; for every man has his own part to look after, which is as much as he can do, without minding what other people are about. Then, madam, there is such drumming and trumpeting, firing and smoking, fighting and rattling everwhere; and such an uproar of courage and slaughter in every man's mind; and such a delightful confusion altogether, that you can no more give an account of it than y can of the stars in the sky. Sir A. As I shall answer it, I think it a very s scriptive account that he gives of a battle. Char. Admirable! and very entertaining. Morde. Oh, delightful! Sir A. Mordecai, ask him some questions: to him, mon; hae a little fun wi' him; ei, smoke him; rally him, mon, rally him [Ápart to Martast Morde. I'll do it, I'll do it; yes, I will at the Captain. [Apart.] Well, and pray, Sur Calagian, how many might you kill in a battle? Sir C. Sir? Morde. I say, sir, how many might you ham killed in any one battle? Sir C. Kill! Hum! Why, I generally kill me in a battle than a coward would choose to loca or than an impertinent fellow would be able Ha! are you answered, Mr. Mordecai? Morde. Yes, yes, sir, I am answered. Ha devilish droll fellow; vastly queer. Sir A. Yes, he is vary queer. But we wan sharp upon him. Odswuus! at him again, again; have another cut at him. [fu forde. Yes, I will have another cut at him. Apart. ir 4. Do, do. He'll bring himsel' intill a d-d pe presently. Aside. Morde. Going to Sir C. and sneering at him.] He, he! But, harkye! Sir Callaghan-he, he, he! give me leave to tell you now, if I were a ge al Sir C. You a general! 'Faith! then, you would All. Ha, ha, ha! All. Ha, ha, ha! Sir A. Ha, ha, ha! He hath tickled up the esraelite: he has gi'en it the Moabite o' baith sides his lugs. Char. But, Sir Callaghan, sure, you must have een in imminent danger in the variety of actions ou must have gone through. Sir C. Oh! to be sure, madam; who would be a oldier without danger? Danger, madam, is a sollier's greatest glory, and death his best reward. Morde. Ha, ha, ha! That is an excellent bull. ding-finger? Sir Callaguan, your servant; your's, Sir A. Yes, sir, he is a d-d impudent rascal! Sir C. I assure you, I had a great mind to be upon the qui vive with him, for his jokes and his mockeries, but that the lady was by. Sir A. Yes, he is a cursed impudent fallow! Because he is suffered to speak till a man o' fashion at Bath and Tunbridge, and other public places, the rascal always obtrudes himsel' upon ye. But, Sir Callaghan, hae ye written the letter to the lady? Sir C. I have not. Sir A. Hoo happened that, mon? Sir C. Why, upon reflecting, I found it would not be consisting with the decorums of a man of honour, to write to a lady in the way of matrimonial advances, before I had first made my affections known to her guardian, who is, you know, my uncle; so, I have indited the letter to him instead of the lady, which is the same thing, you know. Sir A. Ha, ha! Exactly, exactly: for, so ye do but write aboot it, ye ken, it matters not to whom. Sir C. Ay, that is what I thought myself: so here it is. [Takes out a letter.] "To Sir Theodore Goodchild." Sir A. Ay, let us have it: I warrant it's a bonny epistle. Sir C. [Reads.] "Sir,-As I have the honour to bear the character of a soldier, and to call Sir Theodore Goodchild uncle, I do not think it would be consisting with a man of honour to behave like a scoundrel." Sir A. That's an axcellent remark, Sir Callaghan, an axcellent remark, and vary new. Sir C. Yes, I think it is a good remark. [Reads.] "Therefore, I thought proper, before I proceeded any farther, (for I have done nothing as yet,) to break my bat-mind to you before I engage the affections of the young lady." You see, Sir Archy, I intend to carry the place like a soldier, à la militaire, as we say abroad for I make my approaches regularly to the brea work, before I attempt the covered way. Sir C. Why, a soldier's death in the field of tle, is a monument of fame, that makes him as much alive as Cæsar, or Alexander, or any dead hero of them all. All. Ha, ha, ha! Char. Very well explained, Sir Callaghan. Sir C. Why, madam, when the history of the English campaigns in America come to be written, there is your own brave young general, that died in the field of battle before Quebec, will be alive to the end of the world. Char. You are right, Sir Callaghan; his virtues, and those of his fellow-soldiers in that action, will be remembered by their country while Britain or British gratitude has a being. Sir A. Axcellent! that's axcellent! Sir C. Yes, I think it will do. [Reads.] "For as you are a gentleman, and one that knows my family by my father's side, which, you are sensible, is as old as any in the three kingdoms, and older, too; so, I thought it would be foolish to stand shilly-shally any longer, but come to the point at once." You see, Sir Archy, I give him a rub; but by way of a hint about my family; because why, do you see? Sir Theodore is my uncle only by my mother's side, Sir A. Oh! the highlanders did gude service in which is a little upstart family, that came in with that action; they cut them, and slashed them, and one Strongbow, but t'other day-lord! not above whapt them aboot, and played the vary deevil wi' six or seven hundred years ago; whereas, my fathem, sir. There's nae sic thing as standing a high-mily, by my father's side, are all the true ould lander's Andrew Ferrara; they will slaughie aff a Milesians, and related to the O'Flaherty's and fallow's head, at a dash slap: it was they that did O'Shaughnesses, and the Mac Lauchlins, the the business at Quebec. Sir C. I dare say they were not idle, for they are tight fellows. Give me your hand, Sir Archy; I assure you, your countrymen are good soldiers; ay, and so are our's, too. Char. Well, Sir Callaghan, I assure you, I am charmed with your heroism, and greatly obliged to you for your account. Come, Mr. Mordecai, we will go down to Sir Theodore, for I think I heard his coach stop. Morde. Madam, I attend you with pleasure: will you honour me with the tip of your ladyship's wed O'Donnaghans, O'Callaghans, O'Geogaghans, and all the tick blood of the nation; and I myself, you know, am an O'Brallaghan, which is the ouldest of them all. Sir A. Ay, ay; I believe ye are o' an auncient family, Sir Callaghan; but ye are oot in ane point. Sir C. What is that, Sir Archy? Sir A. Whar, ye said ye were as auncient as ony family i' the three kingdoms. Sir C. 'Faith! then, I said nothing but truth Sir A. Hut, hut, hut awa', mon! hut awa'! ye munna say that; what the de'il! consider our fami Sir C. Oh! never fear me, Sir Archy: I will not stay to make a regular siege of it, but will take her at once with a coup de main, or die upon the spot; for, as the old song says, Sir Archy: You never did hear of an Irishman's fear, ACT II. SCENE I. Enter Sir ARCHY MACSARCASM and CHARLOTTE. Sir A. Odswuns! madam, step intill us for a moment, ye wull crack yoursel wi' laughter; we hae gotten anither feul come to divert us unexpectedly, which, I think, is the highest finished feul the age has produced. Char. Whom do you mean, Sir Archy? Sir A. 'Squire Groom, madam; but sic a figure, the finest ye ever beheld: his little half-beuts, black cap, jockey dress, and a' his pontificalibus, just as he rid the match yesterday at York. Anteequity, in a' its records o' Greek and Roman folly, never produced a senator, visiting his mistress in so complete a feul's garb. Char. Ha, ha, ha! Ridiculous! I thought I had done wondering at the mirror of folly; but he is one of those geniuses that never appear without surprising the world with some new stroke. Char. Oh, heavens! I hope not. Sir A. Ha, ha, ha! That's gude, that's gude! I thought it would come to action. Ha, ha, ha! That's clever! now we sall hae ane o' them penked. Ha, ha, ha! Char. How can you laugh, Sir Archy, at such a shocking circumstance? Morde. Don't be frightened, madam,-ha, ha, ha! don't be frightened; neither of them will be killed, take my word for it, unless it be with claret, for that's their weapon. All. Ha, ha, ha! Char. Oh, monstrous! they will kill themselves. Morde. Never fear, madam. Groom. [Within, halloving.] Come along, Sir Callaghan O'Brallaghan! hoies, hoics! hark forward, my honeys! Morde. Here your champion comes, madam. Enter 'Squire GROOM, drunk. Groom. Madam, I beg a million of pardons for not being with you at dinner; it was not my fault, upon my honour, for I sat up all night, on purpose to set out betimes; but, about one o'clock, last night, at York, as we were all d-d jolly, that fool, Sir Roger Bumper, borrowed my watch to set his by it-there it is, look at it, madam, it corrects the sun; they all stop by it, at Newmarket-and so, madam, as I was telling you, the drunken blockhead put mine back two hours on purpose to deceive me; otherwise, I would have held fifty to one, I should have been here to a second. Char. Oh! sir, there needs no apology: but how came you to travel in that extraordinary dress? Groom. A bet, a bet, madam: I rid my match in this very dress yesterday; so, Jack Buck, Sir Roger Bumper, and some more of them, laid me a hundred each, that I would not ride to London and visit you in it, madam. Ha, ha, ha! Don't you think I have touched them, madam? eh! I have taken them all in, eh! haven't I, madam ? All. Ha, ha, ha! Char. You have, indeed, sir. Pray, what time do you allow yourself to come from York to London ? Groom. Eh! time! Why, bar a neck, a leg, or an arm, sixteen hours, seven minutes, and thirty-three seconds; sometimes three or four seconds under; that is, to the Stones'-end, not to my own house. Sir A. No, no; not till yer ain hoose, that would be too much. Groom. No, no: only to the Stones'-end; but then, I have my own hacks-steel to the bottomall blood-stickers and lappers every inch, my dear, that will come through if they have but one leg out of the four. I never keep anything, madam, that is not bottom; game, game to the last: ay, ay, you will find everything that belongs to me game, madam. Sir A. Ha, ha, ha! Yes, yes, he is game, game to the bottom. There, walk aboot, and let us see yer shapes. Ha! what a fine figure! why, ye are sae fine a figure, and hae sae gude an understanding for it, it is a pity ye should ever do onything a' yer life but ride horse-races. Dinna ye think he's a cursed idiot, Mordecai? [Apart. Morde. [Apart.] Hum! he is well enough for a Char. Oh! Mr. Mordecai, how could you startle'squire. Ha, ha! one so? Sir A. Oh! I am sorry for that: gude faith! I was in hopes they had a mind to shew their prowess before their mistress, and that we should hae a little Irish or Newmarket bluid spilt. But what was the cause of challenge, Mordecai? Morde. Their passion for this lady, sir. 'Squire Groom challenged Sir Callaghan to drink your ladyship's health in a pint bumper, which the knight gallantly accepted in an instant, and returned the challenge in a quart: which was as gallantly received and swallowed by the 'Squire-ha, ha, ha! and out-braved by a fresh daring of three pints: upon which I thought proper to decamp; not thinking it altogether safe to be near the champions, lest I should be deluged by a cascade of claret. Groom. Madam, I am come to pay my respects to you, according to promise. Well, which of us is to be the happy man? you know I love you; may I never win a match if I don't. Char. Oh! sir, I am convinced of your passion; I see it in your eyes. Sir A. Weel, but 'squire, ye hae gi'en us nae account hoo the match went. Char. What was the match? Groom. Our contribution. There are seven of us: Jack Buck, Lord Brainless, Bob Rattle, (you know Bob, madam; Bob's a d-d honest fellow!) Sir Harry Idle, Dick Riot, Sir Roger Bumper, and myself. We put in five hundred a-piece, all to ride ourselves, and all to carry my weight. The odds, at starting, were six and seven to four against me, the |