Sir B. Of Lady Teazle and Mr. SurfaceMrs. C. And Sir Peter's discoverySir B. O! the strangest piece of business, to be sure! Mrs. C. Well, I never was so surprised in my life. I am so sorry for all parties, indeed. Sir B. Now I don't pity Sir Peter at all: he was so extravagantly partial to Mr. Surface. Mrs. C. Mr. Surface! Why, 'twas with Charles Lady Teazle was detected. Sir B. No such thing, I tell you-Mr. Surface is the gallant. Mrs. C. No, no, Charles is the man. 'Twas Mr. Surface brought Sir Peter on purpose to discover them. Sir B. I tell you I had it from one- Sir B. Who had it from one, who had it- Enter Lady SNEERWELL. Lady S. So, my dear Mrs. Candour, here's a sad affair of our friend Teazle. Mrs. C. Ay, my dear friend, who would have thought Lady S. Well, there is no trusting appearances; though, indeed, she was always too lively for me. Mrs. C. To be sure, her manners were a little too free: but then she was so young! Lady S. And had, indeed, some good qualities. Mrs. C. So she had, indeed. But have you heard the particulars? Lady S. No; but everybody says that Mr. Surface Sir B. Ay, there; I told yon Mr. Surface was the man. Mrs. C. No, no: indeed the assignation was with Charles. Lady S. With Charles! You alarm me, Mrs. Candour! Mrs. C. Yes, yes, he was the lover. Mr. Surface, to do bim justice, was only the informer. Sir B. Well, I'll not dispute with you, Mrs. Candour; but, be it which it may, I hope that Sir Peter's wound will not Mrs. C. Sir Peter's wound! O, mercy! I did'nt hear a word of their fighting. Lady S. Nor I, a syllable. Sir B. No! what, no mention of the duel? Mrs. C. Not a word. Sir B. By a thrust in segoon quite through his left side Crab. By a bullet lodged in the thorax. Mrs. C. Mercy on me! Poor Sir Peter. Crab. Yes, madam; though Charles would have avoided the matter, if he could. Mrs. C. I told you who it was; I knew Charles was the person. Sir B. My uncle, I see, knows nothing of the matter. Crab. But Sir Peter taxed him with the basest ingratitude. Sir B. That I told you, you know Crab. Do, nephew, let me speak!—and insisted on immediate Sir B. Satisfaction! Just as I said Crab. Odds life, nephew, allow others to know something too. A pair of pistols lay on the bureau (for Mr. Surface, it seems, bad come home the night before late from Salthill, where he had been to see the Montem with a friend, who has a son at Eton), so, unluckily, the pistols were left charged. Sir B. I heard nothing of this. Crab. Sir Peter forced Charles to take one; and they fired, it seems, pretty nearly together. Charles's shot took effect, as I tell you, and Sir Peter's missed; but, what is very extraordinary, the ball struck against a little bronze Shakspeare that stood over the fire-place, grazed out of the window at a right angle, and wounded the postman, who was just coming to the door with a double letter from Northamptonshire. Sir B. My uncle's account is more circumstantial, I confess; but I believe mine is the only true one, for all that. Lady S. I am more interested in this affair than they imagine, and must have better information.Aside. [Exit Lady SNEERWELL, Sir B. Ab! Lady Sneerwell's alarm is very easily accounted for. Crab. Yes, yes, they certainly do say-but that's neither here nor there. Mrs. C. But, pray, where is Sir Peter at present▾ Crab. Oh! they brought him home, and he is now in the house, though the servants are ordered Sir B. O, yes they fought before they left the to deny him. room. Lady S. Pray, let us hear. Mrs. C. Ay, do oblige us with the duel. Sir B. "Sir," says Sir Peter, immediately after the discovery, "you are a most ungrateful fellow.' Mrs. C. Ay, to Charles. Sir B. No, no-to Mr. Surface-"a most ungrateful fellow; and old as I am, sir," says he, I insist on immediate satisfaction." Mrs. C. Ay, that must have been to Charles; for 'tis very unlikely Mr. Surface should fight in his own house. Sir B. Gad's life ma'am, not at all-" Giving me immediate satisfaction." On this, ma'am, Lady Teazle, seeing Sir Peter in such danger, ran out of the room in strong hysterics, and Charles after Mrs. C. I believe so, and Lady Teazle, I suppose, attending him. Crab. Yes, yes; and I saw one of the faculty enter just before me. Sir B. Hey! who comes here? Crab. O, this is he: the physician, depend on't. Mrs. C. O, certainly, it must be the physician; and now we shall know. Enter Sir OLIVER SURFACE. Crab. Well, doctor, what hopes? Mrs. C. Ay, doctor, how's your patient? Sir B. Now, doctor, isn't it a wound with a small-sword? Crab. A bullet lodged in the thorax, for a hun dred. covery. Sir O. Why, man, what do you do out of bed with a small-sword through your body, and a bullet lodged in your thorax? Sir P. A small-sword, and a bullet! Sir O. Ay, these gentlemen would have killed you without law or physic, and wanted to dub me a doctor, to make me an accomplice. Sir P. Why, what is all this? Sir B. We rejoice, Sir Peter, that the story of the duel is not true, and are sincerely sorry for your other misfortune. Sir P. So, so; all over the town already. [Aside. Sir P. Sir, sir, I desire to be master in my own house. Crab. 'Tis no uncommon case, that's one comfort. Sir P. I insist on being left to myself: without ceremony-I insist on your leaving my house directly. Mrs. C. Well, well, we are going, and depend Crab. And tell how hardly you've been treated. Sir B. And how patiently you bear it. [Exeunt Mrs. CANDOUR, Sir BENJAMIN, and Sir P. Leave my house!-Fiends! vipers! furies! O, that their own venom would choke them! Sir O. They are very provoking, indeed, Sir Row. I heard high words; what has ruffled you sir? Sir P. Pshaw! what signifies asking? Do I ever pass a day without my vexations? Row. Well, I am not inquisitive. Sir O. Well, I am not inquisitive; I come only to tell you that I have seen both my nephews in the manner we proposed. Sir P. A precious couple they are! Row. Yes, and Sir Oliver is convinced that your judgment was right, Sir Peter. Sir O. Yes, I find Joseph is indeed the man, after all. Row. Ay, as Sir Peter says, he is a man of sentiment. Sir O. And acts up to the sentiments he professes. Row. It certainly is edification to hear him talk. Sir O. Oh, he's a model for the young men of the age!-But how's this, Sir Peter? You don't join us in your friend Joseph's praise, as I expected. Sir P. Sir Oliver, we live in a damned wicked world, and the fewer we praise the better. Row. What! do you say so, Sir Peter, who were never mistaken in your life? Sir P. Pshaw! Plague on you both! I see by your sneering you have heard the whole affair. I shall go mad among you! Row. Then, to fret you no longer, Sir Peter, we are indeed acquainted with it all. I met Lady Teazle coming from Mr. Surface's so humble, that she deigned to request me to be her advocate with you Sir. P. And does Sir Oliver know all this? Sir O. Every circumstance. Sir P. What of the closet and the screen, hey? Sir O. Yes, yes, and the little French milliner O, I have been vastly diverted with the story! Ha ha ha! Sir P. 'Twas very pleasant. Sir O. I never laughed more in my life, I assure you: Ha! ha! ha! Sir P. O, vastly diverting! Ha! ha! ha! Sir P. Yes, yes, his sentiments! Ha! ha! ha! Sir O. Ay, and that rogue Charles to pull Sir Peter out of the closet: Ha! ha! ha! Sir P. Ha! ha! "Twas devilish entertaining, to be sure! Sir O. Ha ha! ha! Egad, Sir Peter, I should like to have seen your face when the screen was thrown down. Ha! ha! Sir P. Yes, yes, my face when the screen was thrown down: Ha, ha, ha! Oh, I must never show my head again! Sir O. But come, come; it isn't fair to laugh at you neither, my old friend; though, upon my soul, I can't help it. Sir P. O pray don't restrain your mirth on my account: it does not hurt me at all! I laugh at the whole affair myself. Yes, yes, I think being a standing jest for all one's acquaintance a very happy situation. O yes, and then of a morning to read the paragraphs about Mr. S, Lady T——, and Sir P-, will be so entertaining! I shall cer tainly leave town to-morrow, and never look mankind in the face again. Row. Without affectation, Sir Peter, you may despise the ridicule of fools: but I see Lady Teazle going towards the next room; I am sure you must desire a reconciliation as earnestly as she does. Sir O. Perhaps my being here prevents her coming to you. Well, I'll leave honest Rowley to mediate between you; but he must bring you all presently to Mr. Surface's, where I am now returning, if not to reclaim a libertine, at least to expose hypocrisy. [Exit. Sir P. Ah, I'll be present at your discovering yourself there with all my heart; though 'tis a vile unlucky place for discoveries. She is not coming here, you see. Rowley. Row. No, but she has left the door of that room open, you perceive. See, she is in tears. Sir P. Certainly a little mortification appears very becoming in a wife. Don't you think it will do her good to let her pine a little? Row. Oh, this is ungenerous in you! Joseph S. Come, come; it is not too late yet. [Knocking at the door.] But hark! this is probably my uncle, Sir Oliver retire to that room; we'll consult further when he is gone. Lady S. Well, but if he should find you out, too? Joseph S. Oh, I have no fear of that. Sir Peter will hold his tongue for his own credit's sake--and you may depend on it, I shall soon discover Sir Oliver's weak side! Lady S. I have no diffidence of your abilities! only be constant to one roguery at a time. [Exit Lady SNEERWELL. Joseph S. I will, I will. So! 'tis confounded hard, after such bad fortune, to be baited by one's confederate in evil. Well, at all events, my character is so much better than Charles's, that I certainly-Hey!-what-this is not Sir Oliver, but old Stanley again. Plague on't! that he should return to teaze me just now-I shall have Sir Oliver come and find him here-andEnter Sir OLIVER SURFACE. Sir P. Well, 1 know not what to think. You Gad's life, Mr. Stanley, why have you come back remember the letter I found of hers, evidently into plague me at this time?" You must not stay now, upon my word. tended for Charles? Row. A mere forgery, Sir Peter, laid in your way on purpose. This is one of the points which I intend Snake shall give you conviction of. Sir P. I wish I were once satisfied of that. She looks this way. What a remarkably elegant turn of the head she has! Rowley, I'll go to her. Row. Certainly. Sir O. Sir, I hear your uncle Oliver is expected here, and though he has been so penurious to you, I'll try what he'll do for me. Joseph S. Sir, 'tis impossible for you to stay now, so I must beg- Come any other time, and I promise you, you shall be assisted. Sir O. No: Sir Oliver and I must be acquainted. Joseph S. Zounds, sir! then I insist on your Sir O. Nay, sir Sir P. Though when it is known that we are reconciled, people will laugh at me ten times more.quitting the room directly. Row. Let them laugh, and retort their malice only by showing them you are happy in spite of it. Sir P. I'faith, so I will! and, if I'm not mistaken, we may yet be the happiest couple in the county. Row. Nay, Sir Peter, he who once lays aside suspicion Joseph S. Sir, I insist on't: here, William! show this gentleman out. Since you compel me, sir,not one moment-this is such insolence! [Going to push him out. Enter CHARLES SURFACE. Charles S. Hey day! what's the matter now! Sir P. Hold, master Rowley! If you have any regard for me, never let me hear you utter any-What the devil, have you got hold of my little thing like a sentiment: I have had enough of them to serve me the rest of my life. SCENE III.-The Library. Enter Lady SNEERWELL, and JOSEPH SURFACE. Lady S. Impossible! Will not Sir Peter immediately be reconciled to Charles, and of consequence no longer oppose his union with Maria? The thought is distraction to me. Joseph S. Can passion furnish a remedy? Lady S. No, nor cunning neither. Ó! I was a fool, an idiot, to league with such a blunderer! Joseph S. Sure, Lady Sneerwell, I am the greatest sufferer; yet you see I bear the accident with calmness. Well, I admit I have been to blame. I confess I deviated from the direct road of wrong, but I don't think we're so totally defeated neither. Lady S. No! Joseph S. You tell me you have made a trial of Snake since we met, and that you still believe him faithful to us. broker here? Zounds, brother, don't hurt little Premium. What's the matter, my little fellow? Joseph S. So he has been with you too, has he? Charles S. To be sure he has. Why, he's as honest a little- -But sure, Joseph, you have not been borrowing money too, have you? Joseph S. Borrowing! No! But, brother, you know we expect Sir Oliver here every Charles S. O Gad, that's true! Noll mustn't find the little broker here, to be sure! Joseph S. Yet Mr. Stanley insists- Charles S. No, no, Premium. Joseph S. Well, no matter which-but Charles S. Ay, ay, Stanley or Premium, 'tis the same thing, as you say; for I suppose he goes by half a hundred names, besides A. B. at the coffeehouse. Joseph S. 'Sdeath, here's Sir Oliver at the door. Now I beg, Mr. Stanley Charles S. Ay, ay, and I beg, Mr. Premium- Joseph S. Sir, by heaven you shall go ! Joseph S. Sir, 'tis your own fault. [Both forcing Sir Oliver out, ROWLEY. lieve me sincere when I tell you-and upon my Enter Lady TEAZLE and Sir PETER, MARIA, and soul I would not say so if I was not-that if I do not appear mortified at the exposure of my follies, Sir P. My old friend, Sir Oliver-hey! What it is because I feel at this moment the warmest in the name of wonder-here are dutiful nephews-satisfaction in seeing you, my liberal benefactor. assault their uncles at a first visit! Lady T. Indeed, Sir Oliver, 'twas well we came in to rescue you. Row. Truly, it was; for I perceive, Sir Oliver, the character of old Stanley was no protection to you Sir O. Nor of Premium either; the necessities of the former could not extort a shilling from that benevolent gentleman; and with the other, I stood a chance of faring worse than my ancestors, and being knocked down without being bid for. Joseph S. Charles! Joseph S. "Tis now complete! Sir O. Charles, I believe you; give me your hand again; the ill looking little fellow over the settee has made your peace. Charles S. Then, sir, my gratitude to the original is still increased. Lady T. [Advancing, MARIA on her left hand.] Yet, I believe, Sir Oliver, here is one whom Charles is still more anxious to be reconciled to. Sir O. Oh, I have heard of his attachment there; and, with the young lady's pardon, if I construe right-that blush Sir P. Well, child, speak your sentiments! Maria. Sir, I have little to say, but that I shall rejoice to hear that he is happy; for me-whatever claim I had to his attention, I willingly resign one who has a better title. Sir O. Sir Peter, my friend, and Rowley too-to look on that elder nephew of mine. You know what he has already received from my bounty; and you also know how gladly I wo .ld have regarded half my fortune as held in trust for him: judge then my disappointment in discovering him to be destitute of truth, charity, and gratitude. Sir P. Sir Oliver, I should be more surprised at this declaration, if I had not myself found him to be selfish, treacherous, and bypocritical. Lady T. And if the gentleman pleads not guilty to these, pray let him call me to his character. Sir P. Then, I believe, we need add no more : if he knows himself, he will consider it as the most perfect punishment, that he is known to the world. Charles S. If they talk this way to honesty, what will they say to me, by and by? Charles S. How, Maria! Sir P. Hey-day! what's the mystery now?— While he appeared an incorrigible rake, you would give your hand to no one else; and now that he is likely to reform, I'll warrant you won't have him. Maria. His own heart and Lady Sneerwell know the cause. Charles S. Lady Sneerwell! Joseph S. Brother, it is with great concern I am obliged to speak on this point, but my regard to justice compels me, and Lady Sneerwell's injuries can no longer be concealed. [Opens the door. Enter Lady SNEERWELL. Sir P. So! another French milliner! Egad, he has one in every room in the house, I suppose. Lady S. Ungrateful Charles! Well may you be [Sir PETER, Lady TEAZLE, and MARIA, retire. surprised, and feel for the indelicate situation your Sir O. As for that prodigal, his brother, there-perfidy has forced me into. [Aside. [Aside. Charles S. Ay, now comes my turn: the damned Charles S. Pray, uncle, is this another plot of family pictures will ruin me. yours? For, as I have life, I don't understand it. Joseph S. I believe, sir, there is but the evidence of one person more necessary to make it extremely clear. Joseph S. Sir Oliver-uncle, will you honour me with a hearing? Charles S. Now if Joseph would make one of his long speeches, I might recollect myself a little. [Aside Sir O. I suppose you would undertake to justify yourself? [To Joseph. Joseph S. I trust I could. Sir O. Nay, if you desert your roguery in its distress, and try to be justified-you have even less principle than I thought you had.-[To Charles.] Well, sir! you could justify yourself too, I suppose? Sir P. And that person, I imagine, is Mr. Snake. Enter SNAKE. I thought his testimony might be wanted: however, it happens unluckily, that he comes to coufront Lady Sneerwell, not to support her. Lady S. A villain! Treacherous to me at last!Speak, fellow; have you, too, conspired against Charles S. Not that I know of, Sir Oliver. Sir O. What!-Little Premium has been let too me? much into the secret, 1 suppose? Charles S. True, sir; but they were family secrets, and should not be mentioned again, you know. Row. Come, Sir Oliver, I know you cannot speak of Charles's follies with anger. Sir 0. Odd's heart, no more I can; nor with gravity either. Sir Peter, do you know, the rogue bar ained with me for all his ancestors; sold me judges and generals by the foot, and maiden aunts a cheap as broken china. Snake. I beg your ladyship ten thousand pardons: you paid me extremely liberally for the lie in question; but I, unfortunately, have been offered double to speak the truth. Sir P. Plot and counter-plot! I wish your ladyship joy of your negotiation. Lady S. The torments of shame and disappointment on you all! Lady T. Hold, Lady Sneerwell: before you go, let me thank you for the trouble you and that gentleman have taken, in writing letters from me to Charles S. To be sure, Sir Oliver, I did make a Charles, and answering them yourself; and let me little free with the family canvass, that's the truth also request you to make my respects to the scanon't. My ancestors may certainly rise up in judg-dalous college, of which you are president, and inment against me; there's no denying it; but be- form them, that Lady Teazle, licentiate, begs leave to return the diploma they granted her, as she leaves off practice, and kills characters no longer. Lady S. You, too, madam-provoking-insolent. -May your husband live these fifty years! [Exit. Sir P. Oons! what a fury! Lady T. A malicious creature, indeed! Sir O. Well, sir, and what have you to say now? Joseph S. Sir, I am so confounded, to find that Lady Sneerwell could be guilty of suborning Mr. Snake in this manner, to impose on us all, that I know not what to say: however, lest her revengeful spirit should prompt her to injure my brother, I had certainly better follow her directly. For the man who attempts to-[Exit. Sir P. Moral to the last! Sir O. Ay, and marry her,-Joseph, if you can. Egad! you'll do very well together. Row. I believe we have no more occasion for Mr. Snake, at present. Snake. Before I go, I beg pardon once for all, for whatever uneasiness I have been the humble instrument of causing to the parties present. Sir P. Well, well, you have made atonement by a good deed at last Snake. But I must request of the company, that it shall never be known. Sir P. Hey-What the plague!-Are you ashamed of having done a right thing once in your life? Snake. Ah, sir, consider,-I live by the badness of my character; and it it were once known that I had been betrayed into an honest action, I should lose every friend I have in the world. [Exit. Sir O. Well, well; we'll not traduce you by saying anything in your praise, never fear. Lady T. See, Sir Oliver, there needs no persua sion now to reconcile your nephew and Maria. Sir O. Ay, ay, that's as it should be; and, egad we'll have the wedding to-morrow morning. Charles S. Thank you, dear uncle! Sir P. What, you rogue! don't you ask the girl's consent first! Charles S. Oh, I have done that a long time-a minute ago and she has looked yes. Maria. For shame, Charles!-I protest, Sir Peter. there has not been a word. Sir O. Well, then, the fewer the better;-may your love for each other never know abatement! Sir P. And may you live as happily together as Lady Teazle and I intend to do! Charles S. Rowley, my old friend, I am sure you congratulate me; and I suspect that I owe you much. Sir P. Ay, honest Rowley always said you would reform. Charles S. Why, as to reforming, Sir Peter, I'll make no promises, and that I take to be a proof that I intend to set about it; but here shall be my monitor-my gentle guide.-Ah! can I leave the virtuous path those eyes illumine? Though thou, dear maid, should'st wave thy beauty's sway, Thou still must rule, because I will obey. [To the audience. You can, indeed, each anxious fear remove, For even Scandal dies, if you approve. [Curtain drops |