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have done exemplary justice, in punishing an in- | the constancy to stay till it becomes your due.human father, and rewarding a faithful lover : Men are generally hypocrites and infidels; they but there is a third good work, which I, in parti- pretend to worship, but have neither zeal nor cular, must thank you for : I was an infidel to faith. How few, like Valentine, would persevere your sex, and you have converted me-for now even to martyrdom, and sacrifice their interest to I am convinced, that all women are not, like for their inconstancy! In admiring me, you mistune, blind in bestowing favours, either on those place the novelty. who do not merit, or who do not want them.

Ang. It is an unreasonable accusation, that The miracle to-day is, that we find you lay upon our sex. You tax us with injus A lover true; not that a woman's kind. tice, only to cover your own want of merit. You

(Ereunt omnes. would all have the reward of love; but few have

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THE

CONSTANT COUPLE;

OR,

A TRIP TO THE JUBILEE.

BY

FARQUHAR.

DRAMATIS PERSONE.

MEN.

DicKY, a piтр. Sve HARRY WILDAIR, a gay man of fashion.

Tom ERRAND, a porter. BEAU CLINCHER, an ignorant corcomb.

WOMEN. COLONEL STANDARD, attached to Lady Lurewell. ANGELICA, attached to Sir Harry Wildair, ALDERMAN SMUGGLER, a city dotard.

Lady DARLING, mother to Angelica. CLINCHER Junior, a raw blockhead.

Parly, servant to Lady Lurewell. VIZARD, a hypocrite, pretending to Lady Lure- LADY LUREWELL, an artful coquette.

well.

Scene - London,

ACT. I.

SCENE I.-The Park.

letter, like yourself, fair on the outside, and foul

within; so sent it back unopened. Enter VIZARD with a letter, his servant follow

Vis. May obstinacy guard her beauty till wrining.

kles bury it! then, may desire prevail to inake Viz. ANGELICA send it back unopened ! say her curse that untimely pride her disappointed you?

age repents! I'll be revenged the very first opSer. As you see, sir.

portunity-Saw you the old lady Darling, her Viz. The pride of these virtuous women is mother? more insufferable than the immodesty of prosti- Ser. Yes, sir, and she was pleased to say much tutes After all my encouragement, to slight me in your commendation. thus !

Viz. That's my cue-An esteem grafted in Ser. She said, sir, that imagining your morals old age is hardly rooted out; years stitfen their sincere, she gave you access to her conversation; opinions with their bodies, and old zeal is only but that your late behaviour in her company has to be cozened by young hypocrisy. [Aside.) Run convinced her that your love and your religion to the lady Lurewell's, and know of her maid are both hypocrisy, and that she believes your whether her ladyship will be at home this even

you are

court

ing. Her beauty is sufficient cure for Angeli- | There are five and thirty strapping officers gone ca's scorn.

this morning to live upon free quarters in the [Exit servant. Vizard pulls out a book, city. reuds, and walks about.]

Smug. Oh, lord! Oh, lord! I shall have a son

within these nine months born with a leading Enter SMUGGLER.

staff in his hand.- -Sir, you are Smug. Ay, there's a pattern for the young men Stand. What, sir? o'the times! at his meditation so early! some Smug. Sir, I

say

that book of pious ejaculations, l'm sure.

Stand. What, sir? Viz. This Hobbes is an excellent fellow ! Smug. Disbanded, sir, that's all I see the [Aside.] Oh, uncle Smuggler! To find you at this lawyer yonder.

[Exit. end o' the town is a miracle.

Viz. Sir, I'ın very sorry for your misfortune. Smug. I have seen a miracle this morning, in- Siand. Why so? I don't come to borrow deed, cousin Vizard.

money

of

you. If you're my friend, meet me Viz. What is it, pray, sir?

this evening at the Rummer ; I'll pay my foy, Smug. A man at his devotion so near the dring a health to my king, prosperity to my coun

- I'm very glad, boy, that you keep try, and away for Hungary to-morrow morning. your sanctity untainted in this infectious place ; Viz. What! you won't leave us? the very air of this park is heathenish, and Stand. What! a soldier stay here, to look like every man's breath I meet scents of atheism. an old pair of colours in Westminster Hall,

Viz. Surely, sir, some great concern must ragged and rusty! No, no- -I met yesterday bring you to this unsanctified end of the a broken lieutenant; he was ashamed to owu town.

that he wanted a dinner, but begged eighteenSmug. A very unsanctified concern truly, pence of me to buy a new scabbard for his cousin.

sword. Viz. What is it?

Viz. Oh, but you have good friends, colonel! . Smug. A law-suit, boyShall I tell you? Stand. Oh, very good friends! My father's a - My ship, the Swan, is newly arrived from St lord, and my elder brother a beau; mighty good Sebastian, laden with Portugal wines : now, the friends, indeed! impudent rogue of a tide-waiter has the face to Viz. But your country may perhaps want your affirm it is French wines in Spanish casks, and sword again. has indicted me upon the statute Oh, con- Stand. Nay, for that matter, let but a single science ! conscience ! these tide-waiters and sur- drum beat up for volunteers between Ludgate veyors plague us more with their French wines, and Charing-Cross, and I shall undoubtedly hear than the war did with French privateers- it at the walls of Buda. Ay, there's another plague of the nation

Viz. Come, come, colonel, there are ways of Enter COLONEL STANDARD.

making your fortune at home-Make your

addresses to the fair; you're a man of honour A red coat and feather.

Viz. Colonel Standard, I'm your humble ser- Stand. Ay, my courage is like to do me wonvant,

drous service with the fair. This pretty cross Stand. May be not, sir.

cut over my eye will attract a duchess--I warViz. Why so?

rant 'twill be a mighty grace to my oglingStand. Because I'm disbanded.

Had I used the stratagem of a certain brother Viz. How! Broke?

colonel of mine, I might succeed. Stand. This very morning, in Hyde-Park, my

Viz. What was it, pray? brave regiment, a thousand men, that looked like Stand. Why, to save his pretty face for the lions yesterday, were scattered, and looked as women, he always turned his back upon the poor and simple as the herd of deer that grazed enemy.- -Ile was a man of honour for the beside them.

ladies. Smug. Tal, al, deral. [Singing.]I'll have a bon- Viz. Come, come, the loves of Mars and fire this night as high as the monument.

Venus will never fail; you must get a mistress. Stand. A bonfire! Thou dry, withered, ill- Stand. Prithee, no more on't-You have awanature ! had not those brave fellows' swords de-kened a thought, from which, and the kingdom, I fended you, your house had been a bonfire ere would have stolen away at once. - To be plain, I this about your ears.--Did we not venture our have a mistress. lives, sir?

Viz. And she's cruel? Smug. And did we not pay for your lives, sir? Stand. No. Venture your lives! I'm sure we ventured our Viz. Her parents prevent your happiness ? money, and that's life and soul to me.--Sir, Stand. Not that. we'll maintain you no longer.

Viz. Then she has no fortune? Stand. Then your wives shall, old Actæon. Stand. A large one. Beauty to tempt all man

and courage.

your travels.

ago?

man,

toe,

kind, and virtue to beat off their assaults. Oh, noblest ball at the Bath, or had the finest coach Vizard ! such a creature!

in the ring? I want news, gentlemen.

Stand. Faith, sir, these are no news at all. Enter Sir HarRY WILDAIR, crosses the stage

Viz. But pray, sır Harry, tell us some news of singing, with Footmen after him. Hey-day! Who the devil have we here?

Wild. With all my heart.--You must knoxv, Viz. The joy of the play-house, and life of then, I went over to Amsterdam in a Dutch the park; Sir Harry Wildair, newly come from ship : I there had a Dutch whore for five Paris.

stivers. I went from thence to Landen, where Stand. Sir Harry Wildair! Did not he make I was heartily drubbed in the battle with the a campaign in Flanders some three or four years butt-end of a Swiss musket. I thence went

to Paris, where I had half a dozen intrigues, Viz. The same.

bought half a dozen new suits, fought a Stand. Why, he behaved himself very brave- couple of duels, and here I am again in statu ly.

quo. Viz. Why not? Dost think bravery and gaiety Viz. But we heard that you designed to make are inconsistent ? He's a gentleman of most the tour of Italy; what brought you back so happy circumstances, born to a plentiful estate; soon? has had a genteel and easy education, free from Wild. That which brought you into the world, the rigidness of teachers, and pedantry of and may perhaps carry you out of it; a woschools. His florid constitution, being never ruffled by misfortune, nor stinted in its plea- Stand. What! quit the pleasures of travel sures, has rendered him entertaining to others, for a woman? and easy to himself: turning all passion into Wild. Ay, colonel, for such a woman! I gaiety of humour, by which he chooses rather to had rather see her ruelle than the palace of rejoice with his friends, than be hated by any, Lewis le Grand. There's more glory in her as you shall see.

smile, than in the Jubilee at Rome"; and I

would rather kiss her hand, than the Pope's Re-enter WILDAIR, Wild. Ha, Vizard !

Viz. You, colonel, have been very lavish in Viz. Sir Harry!

the beauty and virtue of your mistress; and sir Wild. Who thought to find you out of the Harry, here, has been no less eloquent in the Rubric so long ; I thought thy hypocrisy had praise of his

. Now, will I lay you both ten been wedded to a pulpit-cushion long ago.—Sir

, guineas a piece, that neither of them is so pretty, if I mistake not your face, your name is Stand- so witty, or so virtuous, as mine. ard?

Stand. 'Tis done. Stand. Sir Harry, I'm your humble servant.

Wild. I'll double the stakes-But, gentlemen, Wild. Come, gentlemen, the news, the news now I think on it, how shall we be resolved ? o'the town, for I'm just arrived.

For I know not where my mistress may be Viz. Why, in the city-end o' the town, we're found; she left Paris about a month before me, playing the knave, to get estates.

and I had an accountŠtand. And in the court-end playing the fool, Stand. How, sir! left Paris about a month bein spending them.

fore you? Wild. Just so in Paris. I'm glad we're grown Wild. Yes, sir, and I had an account that she so modish.

lodged somewhere in St James's. Viz. And hypocrisy for religion.

Viz. How! somewhere in St James, say you? Wild. A-la-mode de Paris again.

Wild. Aye, sir, but I know not where, and Viz. Not one whore between Ludgate and perhaps mayn't find her this fortninght. Aldgate.

Stand. Her name, pray, sir Harry. Stund. But ten times more cuckolds than Viz. Aye, aye, her name; perhaps, we know ever.

her. Viz. Nothing like an oath in the city.

Wild. Her name! Ay; she has the softest, Stand. That's a mistake; for my major swore whitest hand that e'er was made of flesh and a hundred and fifty last night to a merchant's wife blood; her lips so balmy sweetin her bed-chamber,

Stand. But her name, sir. Wild. Pshaw! this is trifling; tell me news, Wild. Then her neck and breast; her breasts gentlemen. What lord has lately broke his do so heave, so heave.

[Singing. fortune at the Groom-Porter's? or his heart Viz. But her name, sir; her quality. at Newmarket, for the loss of a race? What Wild. Then her shape, colonel ! wife has been lately suing in Doctor's-Com- Stand. But her name I want, sir. mons for alimony; or what daughter run away Wild. Then her eyes, Vizard ! with her father's valec? What beau gave the Viz. Pshaw, sir Harry, her name, or nothing:

Wild. Then if you must have it, she's called Wild. Pshaw! thou’rt as long studying for a the lady But then her foot, gentlemen; new mistress, as a drawer is piercing a new pipe, she dances to a miracle. Vizard, you have cer- l'is. I design a new pipe for you, and wholetainly lost your wager.

some wine; you'll therefore bear a little expecViz. Why, you have certainly lost your senses; tation. we shall never discover the picture, unless you Wild. Ha! sayst thou, dear Vizard? subscribe the name.

Viz. A girl of sixteen, sir Harry. Wild. Then, her name is Lurewell.

Wild. Now sixteen thousand blessings rest on Stand. S'death my mistress ! (Aside. thee! Viz. My mistress, by Jupiter ! (Aside. Viz. Pretty and witty. Wild. Do you know her, gentlemen?

Wild. Aye, aye, but her name, Vizard. Stand. I have seen her, sir.

Viz. Her naine ! yes--she has the softest, Wild. Can'st tell where she lodges? Tell me, whitest hand, that e'er was made of flesh and dear colonel.

blood; her lips so balmy sweetStand. Your humble servant, sir. [Erit. Wild. Well, well, but where shall I find her,

Wild. Nay, hold, colonel ; I'll follow you, man? and will know.

(Runs out. Viz. Find her! but then her foot, sir Harry; Viz. The lady Lurewell his mistress! he loves she dances to a miracle. her : but she loves me. But he's a baronet, and Wild. Prithee, don't distract me. I plain Vizard; he has a coach and six, and I Viz. Well, then, you must know, that this lady walk on foot; I was bred in London, and he in is the greatest beauty in town; her name's AnParis. That very circumstance has murdered gelica: she that passes for her mother is a prime-Then, some stratagem must be laid to di- vate bawd, and called the lady Darling ; she goes vert his pretensions.

for a baronet's lady, (no disparagement to your

honour, sir Harry, I assure you. Re-enter WildAIR.

Wild. Pshaw, hang my honour; but what Wild. Prithee, Dick, what makes the colonel street, what house? so out of humour ?

Viz. Not so fast, sir Harry; you must have Viz. Because he's out of pay, I suppose. my passport for your admittance, and you'll find Wild. 'Slife, that's true; I was beginning to my recommendation in a line or two will procure mistrust some rivalship in the case.

you very civil entertaiument; I suppose twenty Viz. And suppose there were; you know the or thirty pieces, handsomely placed, will gain the colonel can fight, sir Harry.

point: I'll ensure her sound. Wild. Fight ! Pshaw-but he cannot dance, Wild. Thou dearest friend to a man in necesha! We contend for a woman, Vizard. 'Slife, sity! Here, sirrah, order my coach about to St man, if ladies were to be gained by sword and James's; I'll walk across the park. pistol only, what the devil should all we beaus

[To his servant. do? Viz. I'll try him farther. (Aside.) But would

Enter CLINCHER, senior. not you, sir Ilarry, fight for this womalı you so Clin. Here, sirrah, order my coach about to St much admire?

James's ; I'll walk across the Park, too-Mr Vize Wild. Fight! Let me consider. I love her- ard, your most devoted—Sir, [TO WILDAIR.)that's true; but, then, I love honest sir Harry I admire the mode of your shoulder-knot; meWildair better. The lady Lurewell·is divinely thinks it hangs very emphatically, and carries an charming--right-but, then, a thrust i' the guts, air of travel in it; your sword-knot, too, is most or a Middlesex jury, is as ugly as the devil. ornainentally modish, and bears a foreign mien.

Vis. Aye, sir Harry, 'twere a dangerous cast Gentlemen, my brother is just arrived in town; for a beau-baronet to be tried by a parcel of so that, being upon the wing to kiss his hands, Í greasy, grumbling, bartering boobies, who would hope you will pardon this abrupt departure of, hang you, purely because you're a gentleman. gentlemen, your most devoted, and most faithful Wild. Aye, but, on t'other hand, I have money

humble servant.

[Erit CLINCHER. enough to bribe the rogues with : so, upon ma- Wild. Prithee, dost know him? ture deliberation, I would fight for her. But no Viz. Know him! why, it is Clincher, who was more of her. Prithee, Vizard, cannot you re-apprentice to my uncle Smuggler, the merchant coinmend a friend to a pretty mistress by the in the city. bye, till I can find my own? You have store, I

Wild. What makes him so gay? ain sure; you cunning poaching dogs make surer Viz. Why, he's in mourning. game, than we that hunt open and fair. Prithee Wild. In mourning? now, good Vizard.

Viz. Yes, for his father. The kind old man l'iz. Let me consider a little. Now, love and in Hertfordshire t'other day broke his neck a revenge inspire my politics.

[ Aside. fox-hunting; the son upon the news has broke [ Pauses, whilst Sır Harry walks singing. his indentures; whipped from behind the corner

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