A punning EPISTLE on MONEY. Worthy Mr PENNYFEATHER, M ADAM Johnfon has been very ill ufed by her fer vants; they put fhillings into her broth instead of grots, which made her ftamp. I hear they had them from one Tom Ducket, a tenant to Major Noble, who, I am told, is reduced to ninepence. We are doubting whether we shall dine at the Crown or the Angel. Honeft Mark Kob, who has been much moydored of late, will dine with us; but Squire Manypenny, and Captain Sterling, defire to be excufed, for they are engaged with Ned Silver to dine in Change alley. They live in great har-mony; they met all-together last week, and fat as lovingly as horfes in a pound. I fuppofe you have heard of the rino-ceros lately arrived here. A captain was cafh-eered on Wednesday. A fcavenger abused me this morning; but I made him down with his duft, which indeed was a far-thing from my intentions. Mrs Brent had a pi-stole from her; I would a'ginny'e a good deal for fuch another, Mrs Dingley has made a foufe for your collard eel. Alderman Coin presents his fervice to you. I have nothing but half-pens to write with, fo that you must excufe this fcrawl. One of my feals fell into a chink. I am, without allay, Your most obedient, } TOM. MITE. P. S. P. S. Mr Cole prefents his fervice to you, of which I am a-tester. A Letter from a gentleman in the country to his friend in town. SIR, AS De te Fabula narratur. S you have been pleased very generously to honour me with your friendship, I think myself obliged to throw off all difguife, and difcover to you my real circumstances: which I fhall do with all the openness and freedom imaginable. You will be furprised at the beginning of my ftory, and think the whole a joke ; but you may depend upon its being actually true, and, if need were, I can bring the parfon of the parish to teslify the same. You must know then, that at this prefent time I live in a poor, little, forry house of clay, that ftands upon the wale, as other cottages do; and what is worst of all, am liable to be turned out at a minute's warning. It is a fort of a copyhold tenure; and the custom of the manor is this: for the first thirty years I am to pay no rent, but only to do fuit and fervice, and attend upon the courts, which are kept once a week, and fometimes oftener: for twenty years after this, I am to pay a rofe -every year; and further than this, during the remainder of my life, I am to pay a tooth, (which you will fay is a whimfical kind of acknowledgment), every two or three years, or oftener, if it be demanded: and when I have nothing more to pay, out must be the word, and it will not be long ere my perfon will be feized. I might have had my tenement (fuch as it is) upon better terms, if it had not been for a fault of my great-grandfather. He and his wife together, with the advice of an ill neighbour, were concerned in robbing an orchard belonging to the lord of the manor, and fo forfeited this great privilege, to my forrow I am fure. But however, I must do as well as I can, and thall endeavour to keep my house in tolerable repair. My My kitchen, where I drefs my victuals, is a comical little roundish fort of a room, fomewhat like an oven; it answers very well to the purpose it was defigned for, and that is enough. My garrets (or rather my cocklofts indeed) are very indifferently furnished; but they are rooms which few people regard now, unless to lay lumber in however, I make shift to rub on in : my little way; and when rent-day comes, I muft fee and discharge it as well as I can. WHENEVER I am turned out, I understand my lodge, or whatever you please to call it, defcends upon a lowfpirited creeping family, remarkable for nothing, but being inftrumental in advancing the reputation of the great Moor in Abchurch-lane *. But be that as it will; I have one fnug apartment that lies on the left fide of my house, which I referve for my chiefest friends. It is very warm, where you will always be a welcome guest; and you may depend upon a lodging, as long as the edifice fhall be in the tenure and occupation of, SIR, Your bumble fervant. A letter from Dr SWIFT to the Rev. Mr KENDALL, vicar of Thornton in Leicestershire + SIR, IF Feb. 11. 1691. F any thing made me wonder at your letter, it was your almost inviting me to do fo in the beginning; which indeed grew lefs upon knowing the occafion, fince it is what I have heard from more than one in and about Leicester. And for the friendship between us, as I fuppofe yours to be real, fo I think it would be proper to imagine mine, until you find any caufe to believe it pretended; tho' I might have fome quarrel at you in three or four lines, which are very ill bestowed in complimenting An apothecary in London, remarkable for felling worm powder. + This letter is not in Hawkefworth's nor the Dublin edition. It is taken from the 11th volume of Swift's mifcellanies, printed at London in 1753. plimenting me. And as to that of my great profpects of making my fortune, on which, as your kindness only looks on the best fide, fo my own cold temper and unconfined humour is much greater hindrance than any fear of that which is the fubject of your letter. I fhall fpeak plainly to you, that the very ordinary obfervations I made with going half a mile beyond the univerfity, have taught me experience enough, not to think of marriage, till I fettle my fortune in the world; which I am fure will not be in fome years. And even then itself, I am so hard to please, that I suppose I shall put it off to the other world. How all this fuits with my behaviour to the woman in hand, you may eafily imagine, when you know that there is fomething in me which must be employed; and, when I am alone, turns all, for want of practice, into fpeculation and thought; infomuch, that, in these seven weeks I have been here, I have writ and burnt, and writ again, upon almost all manner of fubjects, more than perhaps any man in England. And this is it, which a perfon of great honour in Ireland (who was pleased to ftoop fo low as to look into my mind) used to tell me, that my mind was like a conjured fpirit, that would do mischief if I would not give it employment. It is this humour that makes me fo bufy when I am in company, to turn all that way: and fince it commonly ends in talk, whether it be love or common converfation, it is all alike. This is fo common, that I could remember twenty women in my life, to whom I have behaved myself juft the fame way, and, I profefs, without any other defign, than of entertaining myfelf when I am very idle, or when fomething goes amifs in my affairs. This I always have done, as a man of the world, when I had no defign for any thing grave in it, and what I thought (at worst) a harmless impertinence. But whenever I began to take sober resolutions, or (as now) to think of entering into the church, I never found it would be hard to put off this kind of folly at the porch.. Befides, perhaps in fo general a converfation among that fex, I might pretend a little to understand where I am, when I go to chufe for a wife; and think, that tho' the cunningeft fharper of the town may have a cheat put upon him, yet it must VOL. IV. B b be be cleanlier carried than this, which you think I am go ing to top upon myself. And truly, if you know how metaphyfical I am that way, you would little fear I should venture on one who has given fo much occafion to tongues. For tho the people is a lying fort of beaft, (and, I think, in Leicester above all parts that I ever was in); yet they feldom talk without fome glimpfe of a reafon; which I declare (fo unpardonably jealous I am) to be a fufficient caufe for me to hate any woman, any farther than a bare acquaintance, except all things elfe were agreeable, and that I had mathematical demonftrations for the falfehood of the first, which, if it be not impoffible, I am sure is very like it. Among all the young gentlemen that I have known, who have ruined themfelves by marrying, (which, I affure you, is a great number), I have made this general rule, That they are either young, raw, and ignorant scholars, who, for want of knowing company, believe every filk petticoat includes an angel; or else they have been a fort of honeft young men, who perhaps are too literal, in rather marrying than burning, and fo entail miferies on themselves and pofterity, by an over acting modefty. I think I am very far excluded from lighting under either of thefe heads. I confefs I have known one or two men of fenfe enough, who, inclined to frolics, have married and ruined themselves out of a maggot. But a thousand houfehold-thoughts, which always drive matrimony out of my mind, whenever it chances to come there, will, I am fure, fright me from that. Befides, I am naturally temperate, and never engaged in the contrary, which ufually produces thofe effects. Your hints at particular ftories I do not understand, having never heard them, but juft fo hinted. I thought it proper to give you this, to fhew you how I thank you for your regard of me and I hope my carriage will be fo, as my friends need not be afhamed of the name. I fhould not have behaved myself after the manner I did in Leicester, if I had not valued my own entertainment beyond the obloquy of a parcel of very wretched fools, which I folemnly pronounce the inhabitants of Leicester to be; and fo I content myself with retaliation. I hope you |