Thus thus, I leap upon thy back, and scour the distant plains, Away! who overtakes us now, shall claim thee for his pains. GOODY GRIM versus LAPSTONE. JAMES SMITH. WHAT a profound study is the law, and how difficult to fathom your son follows the law, Sir Thomas? Yes, ma'am, but I'm afraid he'll never overtake it; a person following the law, and making nothing of it, is like two boys running round a table-he follows the law, and the law follows him. If you take away the whereofs, moreovers, forthwiths, aforesaids, and notwithstandings, the whole mystery vanishes; the law is then like Macheath without any song-it's like a suit of clothes, you must pay well for them before you can get into them— it's also like a pair of spectacles, you must pay for it through the nose. I shall now proceed to relate a sketch of a trial which took place in a town, which for obvious reasons shall be nameless: Goody Grim inhabited an almshouse, No. 2; Will Lapstone, a superannuated old cobbler, No. 3, and a Jew pedlar who was travelling along the road where these almshouses happened to be erected, thought of nothing else but No. 1. Goody Grim was in the act of killing one of her own proper pigs, when the animal disliking the ceremony, burst from her hold, and ran through the semicircular legs of the aforesaid Jew, knocked him into the mud, ran back again into Will Lapstone's the cobbler, upset a quart bottle full of Hollands gin, belonging to said Lapstone, and took refuge in Crispin's state bed. The parties being of course in the most opulent circumstances, consulted counsel learned in the law; the result was that Goody Grim was determined to bring an action against Lapstone for the loss of her pig with a curly tail; and Lapstone to bring an action against Goody for the loss of a quart bottle full of Hollands gin; and Mordecai, to bring an action against them both, for the loss of an ivory teetotum that fell out of his pocket in the rencontre. They all delivered briefs to counsel before it suggested itself to them they were all parties and no witnesses; but Goody Grim, like a wise old lady as she was, now changed her battery, and was determined to bring her action against Lapstone, and bind over Mordecai to give evidence. The indictment set forth that he, Lapstone, not having the fear of the assizes before his eyes, but being moved by pig, and instigated by pruin sauce, did on the first day of April, a day sacred in the annals of the law, steal, pocket, hide, and crib divers-to wit 5000 hogs, sows, boars, pigs, and porkers, with curly tails, and did secrete the said 5000 hogs, sows, boars, pigs, and porkers, with curly tails, in his said Lapstone's bed, against the peace of our Lady the Queen, her crown and dignity. Mordecai was examined by Sergeant Puzzle.-Well, sir, what are you? Mor.-I sell old clothes, sealingwax, and puckles. Serg.-I didn't ask you what you sold, I ask you what you are? Mor.-I am about fiveand-forty. Serg.—Man; don't be ridiculous; I didn't ask your age, I ask you what you are? Mor.-I am a Jew. Serg. Well, why couldn't you say so at first; then, if you're a Jew, tell me all you know of this affair. Mor.-As I vas valking along▬▬ Serg.-So you will walk in spite of all I can say. Mor.-Blesh my heart, you vill frighten me out of my vits; I vas valking along, I seed the unclean animal acoming attowards me, and so, says I, Oh, Father Abraham, says I Serg.-Father Abraham, man's, no evidence. Mor.-You must let me tell my story my own way, or I cannot tell it at all; as I vas valking along I seed the unclean animal acoming attowards me, and, Oh, Father Abraham! says I, here comes the unclean animal; so he run'd between my legs, and upset me in the mud. Serg. Now, do you mean to say, on your oath, that that little animal had the power to upset you in the mud? Mor.-I vill take my oath he upset me in the mud. Serg-Pray, sir, on which side did you fall? Mor. On the muddy side. Serg.-I mean on which of your own sides did you fall? Mor.—I fell on my left side. Serg.-Now, on your oath, sir, was it your left side? Mor. I vill take my oath it was my left side. Serg. And, pray, what did you do when you fell down? Mor.-I did get up again. Serg.-Perhaps you can tell me whether the pig had a curly tail? Mor.-I'll take my oath it had a curly tail like my peard. Serg.-And, pray, where was you going when this happened? Mor.-I was going to the sign of the Cock and Bottle. Serg.-Now, on your oath, what had a cock to do with a bottle? Mor.-I don't know; but it was the sign of the house, and all more I know of this affair is, that I lost an ivory teetotum out of my pocket. Serg.-Oh, you lost a teetotum out of your pocket, did you? I thought I should bring you to something at last. My Lord (turning to the judge), I beg leave to take an exception to this man's evidence; he does not come into court with clean hands. Mor.-How should I, when I have been polishing my goods all de morning? Serg.-Now, my Lord, your Lordship is aware that teetotum is derived from the Latin terms te and totum, which means keep yourself safe; and this man, but for my profound sagacity, observation, and so forth, would have kept himself safe ; but he has, as the learned Lord Verulam expresses it, let the cat out of the bag. Mor.-I vill take my oath I had no cat in my bag. Serg. My Lord, by his own confession he was about to vend a teetotum. Now, my Lord and gentlemen of the jury, it is my duty to point out to you that a teetotum is an unlawful machine made of ivory, with letters painted upon it, for the purposes of gambling, or as the law books more elegantly express it-tetotum est macheni vorai, cum letteress perpurcipus gamblendi. Now, your Lordship is aware that the Act, commonly known by the name of the Little-Go Act, expressly forbids all games of chance whatever, whether put, whist, marbles, swabs, teetotum, chuck-farthing, dumps, or what not; and, therefore, I do contend, that this man's evidence is contra bonus mores, and he is, consequently, non compos testamonia. Serg. Botherum. - My Lord and gentlemen of the jury, my learned friend Puzzle has, in a most facetious manner endeavoured to cast a slur on the highly honourable evidence of the Jew merchant; and I do contend, that he who buys and sells is bonâ fide inducted into all the mysteries of merchandize; ergo, he who merchandizes is, to all intents and purposes, a merchant. The learned Sergeant, in the twisting and twining his argument in handling the teetotum, can only be called oboto dictum-he is playing, my Lord, a losing game, gentlemen of the jury, he has told you the origin, use, and abuse of teetotum-nay, more, he has quoted authority to back his argument; but the learned Sergeant, gentlemen, has forgot to tell you what that great luminary of the law, the late learned Coke, has said on the subject, in a case exactly similar to this. In the two hundred and thirty-fourth folio volume of the Abridgment of the Statutes, page one thousand three hundred and forty-nine, where he thus lays down the law, in the case of Hazard versus Blacklegs-gamblendum consistit enactum gamblendi, sed non avendum macheni placudi. My Lord, I beg leave to say, that if I prove that my client was in the act of selling, and not playing with said instrument teetotum, I humbly presume all my learned friend has said, falls to the ground. Judge. Certainly, brother Botherum. There's no doubt the learned Sergeant's incorrect; the law does not put a man extralegium for merely spinning a teetotum: it's entirely out of the question. Serg.-My Lord, I beg your Lordship's pardon: Mr. Giblett, one of the gentlemen of the jury, has fallen down in a swoon. Judge. Then somebody must twig him by the nose, for ne cannot leave the court. Puzzle.-My Lord, one of the witnesses has sworn that the pig had a curly tail; 13 VII. now, my Lord, I presume, if I prove that this pig had a straight tail, I consider, this objection must be fatal. Judge. Certainly. Order the pig into court. (Here the pig was accordingly brought into court, and on examination was found to have a straight tail, which finished the trial). Judge.-Gentlemen of the jury, it is really unnecessary to recapitulate the evidence, for the removal of this objection removes all ground o action; and notwithstanding the ancient statute, which says, sowem virum pigum, et bereum gigum, et vendi curlium tailum, there is irrefragable proof by ocular demonstration, that Goody Grim's grunter had a straight tail, and, therefore, the prisoner must be acquitted; and really, gentlemen, if the time of the court is to be taken up with these frivolous actions, the designs of justice will be entirely frustrated, and the attorney who recommends this action should be punished, not in the ordinary, but with the utmost vigour and severity of the law. The affair has since been thrown into Chancery, and is expected to be settled about the year one thousand nine hundred and sixty-six. THE SENSITIVE PLANT. P. B. SHELLEY. A SENSITIVE plant in a garden grew, And the spring arose on the garden fair, |