THE WHEEL-BARROW.

WITH a big bottle nose, and an acre of chin,
His whole physiognomy frightful as sin;

With a huge frizzled wig, and triangular hat,
And a snuff-besmeared handkerchief tied over that;
Doctor Bos, riding out on his fierce Rosinante,
(In hair very rich, but of flesh very scanty,)
Was a little alarmed, through a zeal for his bones,
Seeing Hodge cross the road with a barrow of stones.
"Hip! friend," roared the doctor, with no little force,
"Prithee set down your barrow; 'twill frighten my horse."
Hodge as quickly replied as an Erskine or Garrow,
"You're a great deal more likely to frighten my barrow!"

TO AN ODD GENTLEMAN.

IN Noah's day, if you had lived,

He'd have been puzzled what to do;
The Lord knows how he'd have contrived
To find two animals like you.

FROM MARTIAL.

THY beard and head are of a different dye;
Short of one foot, distorted in an eye;

With all these tokens of a knave complete,

Shouldst thou be honest, thou art an awful cheat.

ADDISON.

THE HUMOURIST. FROM MARTIAL.

In all thy humours, whether grave or mellow,
Thou'rt such a touchy, testy, pleasant fellow;

Hast so much wit, and mirth, and spleen about thee,
There is no living with thee, nor without thee.

ADDISON.

A CHARACTER.

SOMETIMES to sense, sometimes to nonsense leaning;
But always blund'ring round about his meaning.

ON A FAT MAN.

Ir fat men ride, they tire the horse;
And if they walk, themselves-that's worse.
Travel at all, they are at best,
Either oppressors-or oppressed.

ON A WHITE BEARD.

LYCUS was asked the reason, it is said,

His beard was so much whiter than his head.
"The reason," he replied, "my friend, is plain,-
I work my throat much harder than my brain!"
MACENTINUS.

ON A BALD HEAD.

My hair and I are quits, d'ye see,-
I first cut it; it now cuts me!

THE TWO WRETCHES.

RICH Gripe doth all his thoughts and cunning bend
To increase that wealth he wants the soul to spend:
Poor Shifter doth his whole contrivance set
To spend that wealth he wants the sense to get.
How happy would appear to each his fate,
Had Gripe his humour, or he Gripe's estate!
Kind Fate and Fortune, blend them, if you can;
And, of two wretches, make one happy man.

WALSH.

THE CLOWN'S REPLY.

JOHN TROTT was desired by two witty peers,
To tell them the reason why asses had ears.

"An't please you," quoth John, "I'm not given to letters, Nor dare I pretend to know more than my betters; Howe'er, from this time, I shall ne'er see your graces,

I really believe, without thinking of asses."

GOLDSMITH.

A FRIEND IN NEED.

"CHARGE your glasses, my boys, and your voices lend,
While we drink success to our knock-kneed friend;"
The joke is cross-made, yet there's point, if you heed,—
For an old adage says, "No friend like one in-kneed."

WITTY AND HUMOROUS.

CONVIVIAL.

FIVE REASONS FOR DRINKING.

Si benè commemini, causæ sunt quinque bibendi :
Hospitis adventus, præsens sitis, atque futura,
Aut vini bonitas, aut quælibet altera causa.

Attributed to Père Sirmond, and thus rendered by Dean Aldrich, the celebrated musician, scholar, and bon vivant.

GOOD wine; a friend; or being dry;

Or, lest we should be by-and-by;

Or, any other reason why.

BEGONE, DULL CARE.

FROM NEELE'S MISCELLANIES.

COME, fill the bowl!-oh! fill it up-
Shun schoolmen's lore to-night:
The well Truth dwells in is the cup
That sparkles ruby-bright.

Count not the minutes as they pass,
Nor at old Time repine;

But shake the sands from out his glass,
And fill it up with wine.

A TOAST.

66

"I DRINK to thee, Tom." Nay, thou drinkest from me, John; For when thou drinkest to me, drink thou leavest none!" J. HEYWOOD (circa 1560).

A CLUB.

THE jolly members of a toping club
Like pipe-staves are, but hooped;

And in a close confederacy link

For nothing else, but only to hold drink.

SAMUEL BUTLER.

MALT LIQUOR, OR CHEAP FRENCH WINE?

No ale or beer (says Gladstone) we should drink,
Because they stupefy and dull our brains.
But sour French wine, as other people think,

Our English stomachs often sorely pains.

The question, then, is which we most should dread—
An aching stomach or an aching head?

J. H. C. WRIGHT.

PORT AND CLARET.*

FIRM and erect the Caledonian stood;
Prime was his mutton, and his claret good;
"Let him drink port," an English statesman cried.
He drank the poison and his spirit died.

PIPES.

"WAITER, these pipes are short," said tippling Mister Strong; "That's not unlikely, sir; master ha'n't bought them long."

* John Home, the author of Douglas, had the old Scottish prepossession in favour of claret, and utterly detested port; when claret was expelled from the market by high duties, he wrote the above epigram." Notes and Queries."

THREE SWALLOWS MAKE A SUMMER.

ONE sharp frosty day, George IV., when Prince of Wales, went into the Thatched House Tavern, and ordered a beefsteak, but the weather being very cold, desired the waiter to bring him first a glass of brandy-and-water. He emptied that in a twinkling, then a second, then a third. 66 'Now," said his royal highness, "I am warm and comfortable; bring me my steak." On this, Mr. Sheridan who was present, wrote the following impromptu :

THE Prince came in and said 'twas cold,
Then put to his head the rummer;

Till swallow after swallow came,
When he pronounced it summer.

ON A DRUNKARD WITH A RED NOSE.

SURE Corporal Bardolph's eyes are formed
Of an unequal frame;

For, were they matches, soon his nose,
Would set them in a flame.

ON A DRUNKEN MAN.

HE tumbles about like a fool, we must own;
For by keeping it up he has knocked himself down:
Yet if he continues oft draining his cup,

By falling so often he'll knock himself up.

THE DRUNKARD'S WIL.

A DRUNKARD'S doctor gave this precept strong:
"Drink less, and thus you will your days prolong."
"True," quoth the toper, " yesterday my clay
Imbibed one bottle only, and, I say,

I never passed so horrid, long a day."

A DRUNKARD'S SAVING CLAUSE.

DICK, often drunk, when sick, most gravely swore,
That while he breathed he never would drink more;
Dick daily tipsy grows, nor perjured thinks

Himself, but says he breathes not whilst he drinks!