« VorigeDoorgaan »
An orator in the Irish House of Commons was describing the inordinate love of praise which characterised an opponent.
“ The honourable member,” said he, “is so fond of being praised, that I really believe he would be content to give up the ghost, if it were but to look up and read the stonecutter's puff on his grave.
“ Contempt of money," was the expression of another. 6 The honourable member professes to play the philosopher. I can assure you, Mr. Speaker, that if there is any one office that glitters in the eyes of the honourable member, it is that of purse-bearer ; a pension to him is a compendium of all the cardinal virtues. All his statesmanship is comprehended in the art of taxing; and for good, better, and best, in the scale of human nature, he invariably reads pence, shillings, and pounds. I verily believe,” exclaiined the orator, rising to the height of his conception, “ that if the honourable gentleman were an undertaker, it would be the delight of his heart to see all mankind seized with a common mortality, that he might have the benefit of the general burial, and provide scarfs and hatbands for the survivors.''
The answer of one of the officers of the British brigade to the French king after an action, was long a source of amusement in France, and is still on record as an instance of the pregnant brusquerie of the sons of St. Patrick. The king, in portioning out his royal praise, observed that one of the regiments had behaved with great gallantry, “as was evident from the number of its wounded.” your majesty," said the impatient and gallant major, jealous for the honour of his battalion, “they behaved well : but I may take leave to say
we behaved better ; they might have had many wounded, and no blame to them, but we were all killed."
This talent goes through all ranks. We remember to have heard a woman, who was scolding her brats for some pranks, exclaim—“Well, you two little villains, if I can make nothing of you, as sure as I live I will tell both your fathers."
My lord,” said a fellow, condemned to be executed for sheep-stealing, “all I ask of your lordship is, that I shall not be hanged on Friday.” “ Why?” asked the judge, in surprise. “ Because it is always counted a mighty unlucky day !” the answer.
“ Never be critical upon the ladies,” was the maxim of an old Irish peer, remarkable for his homage to the sex. “ The only way in the world that a true gentleman ever will attempt to look at the faults of a pretty woman is to shut his eyes.”
AN IRISH STUDENT'S ANSWER. An Irish veterinary student while undergoing his examination previous to receiving the necessary qualification to practise, was asked what he would recommend if there was a horse brought to him with a particular disease. “Och ! by the powers,” was the answer, “I would recommend the owner to get rid of him immediately."
FRANKLIN tells us, that there are but two things certain in this world, viz., death and taxes.
QUACKERY IN POLITICS AND PHYSIC. Sam Slick says_“You have laws a regulatin' quack doctors, but none a regulatin' quack politicians ; now a quack doctor's bad enough, and dangerous enough, gracious knows, but a quack politician is a devil outlawed : that's a fact."
A CARD QUESTIONARY. Can anybody tell which institution in this city (New York) can give the best commercial education? We have not a son to educate, but a friend has.
ROUTS. “ How strange it is,” said a lady, “ that fashionable parties should be called routs! why, rout formerly signified the defeat of an army; and when all the soldiers were put to flight, or the sword, they were said to be routed." This title has some propriety too,” said Dr. Rennel, “ for at these meetings whole families are routed out of house and home.”
METAPHYSICS. A Scotch blacksmith, being asked the meaning of metaphysics, explained it as follows : When the party who listens dinna ken what the party who speaks means, and when the party who speaks dinna ken what he means himself, that is metaphysics.
A KIND ACT.
ONE little act of kindness, one smile from a warm and benevolent heart, is worth all the caut and politeness in the world.
Among Dr. Cheyne's patients was the celebrated Beau Nash, who, on being one day asked by Cheyne, if he had followed his last prescription, replied in the negative, adding, “ If I had, doctor, I should certainly have broken my neck, for I threw it out of a two pair of stair window."
EXTENSIVE VIEWS. A was once observed, that the hop-grounds in Kent presented more extensive views than any other place in the world, for there your prospect extends from pole to pole.
GETTING INTO SOCIETY. A YANKEE girl in Towa writes to her lover “ down east,” that she is getting into the first society fast, and instances the fact of her having “ danced with two couples of a member of the Legislature, at the last ball."
LOVE, In love, we often doubt of what we most believe.
A HEAVY RIB. The Maume Express' speaks of a man from Connecticut, whose wife is so fat, that he was obliged to make two loads of her when he emi. grated.
SIGNS OF APPROBATION. “ I DIDN'T like our minister's sermon last Sunday,” said a deacon who had slept all sermon time to a brother deacon. “ Didn't like it, brother, eh? Why I saw you nodding assent to every proposition of the parson.”
ADVANTAGES OF ADVERTISING.
À wealthy merchant of this city, who has given more advertising to the press than any other merchant here, once told the editor of this paper, that he commenced business with a determination to ex
pend in advertising, all his profits for the first two years, but that he soon found it impossible to do so : the faster he paid it out, the more he received ; and could he have monopolised all the advertising columns of all the papers in the city, he would have been repaid tenfold."
OPINIONS. Neither accept an opinion, nor except against it, merely on the score of its novelty : all that is new is not true, but much that is old is false.
A DIFFICULTY SETTLED. “ John, why is this dirt not taken away?" “We have no waggon on the premises.' “ Then dig a ditch at the back of the house and throw it in." “ But, what are we to do with the earth which will be dug out ?” “ Fool, don't bother me; make a ditch big enough to put earth, rubbish, dirt, and all in.”
CORRESPONDENCE between a Yankee schoolmaster in Missisippi, and his mother in Maine :
May 15th, 1838. 6 DEAR SON Come home. A rolling stone gathers no moss. Your affectionate mother till death.''
July 4th, 1838. “ Dear MOTHER—I won't come home. A sitting hen never gets fat. Your affectionate and obedient son.”
THE WAY TO BE HAPPY.
Cut your coat according to your cloth, is an old maxim, and a wise one ; and if people will only square their ideas according to their circumstances, how much happier might we all be! If