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land. “Oh, to be sure, your honour—there was a ford,” said a peasant, standing at the brink, and making a hundred grimaces of civility.
6 When was it ?” said the tourist. “ Before the bridge was built,” said the peasant; “ but when man and horse went over the bridge, the ford got out of the habit.” Well, now that the bridge is broken down, I suppose the ford may have got into the habit again. Is it safe?”
66 To be sure, your honour-all but in the middle—but that is nothing ; and if you can swim, there is not a better ford in the country.”
6. But I cannot swim." your honour, the only safe way that I know of is, as soon as you get out of your depth, to walk back again.”
HEART AND HEAD. EVERYBODY speaks well of his heart, but no one dares to speak well of his head.
A poor Irishwoman, with the simplicity and the intelligence that characterise her country, upon witnessing some of the many wonderful improvements of the present age, exclaimed, “ Ah! then, what a beautiful world it will be when it is finished !” The idea led to a train of thought not altogether uninteresting, the result of which was, to represent everything that hitherto seemed to be perfect, in a most imperfect state ! from the contemplation of man, down to inferior objects ! Will he be finished in this state of existence ? No! the resurrection day must dawn ere his perfection will be accomplished ! and, surely, when we turn to the page of history, and trace the improvements that have taken place only a few centuries back, down to our own time, may we not re-echo the poor
Irishwoman's exclamation of “Ah! then, what a beautiful world it will be when it is finished !"
ARITHMETIC. A SCIENCE differently studied by fathers and sons; the first generally confining themselves to addition, and the second to subtraction.
A BASHFUL LOVER. A GREEN mountain boy fell in love with a very pretty girl, and determined to court her. To that end he dressed himself in his Sunday-go-to-meetings, went to her father's house, and found her alone. “ How d’ye du ?” said Jonathan. “ I'm nicely—take a cheer, Jonathan,” says the girl. Jonathan took the chair, and seated himself in the furthest corner of the room, as though the beauty was a thing to be feared rather than loved. “Ain't you cold ?—hadn't you better sit up to the fire ?" says Sally, supposing he would, of course, going to make love at all, do so in a proper manner. “ No, I thankee; I reckon I'm comfortable," returned Jonathan. “ How is your marm ?” said Sally. “Well, she's a complainin' a lettle,” said Jonathan. Here a pause of ten minutes ensued, during which time Jonathan amused himself by whittling a stick.
- There's nothing new up your way, is there?” said Sally, which Jonathan might understand as applying to his present situation, or to his father's domicile. “Here ?-oh-yis, you meant tu hum; well no, that is his—our spotted cow's got a calf,” said Jonathan. Sally would have undoubtedly laughed at his queer piece of information, only that she was too much vexed at the bashfulness of the speaker. At length after another protracted silence, Sally got up a small edition of a
if he was
and in a loud voice exclaimed, “Let me alone !" Why,” says Jonathan, dropping Iris knife and stick in astonishment, “ why, I aint a touchin' on ye.” “ Well,” says Sally, in a voice which might be indicative of fear, but sounded very much like request - -“Well, aint you goin tu 2 ” Jonathan thought a moment of this equivocal reply, and then, after placing his knife in his pocket and blowing his nose,
he drew his chair by the side of pretty Sally, and—the next week they were married.
IRISH POET. AMONG a company of cheerful Irishmen, in the neighbourhood of St. Giles, it was proposed by the host to make a gift of a couple of fowls to him that off hand should write six lines in poetry of his own composing. Several of the merry crew attempted unsuccessfully to gain the prize. At length the wittiest among them thus ended the contest :
“Good friends, as I'm to make a po'm,
HOW TO CATCH OWLS AND RABBITS. The Americans have a plan of catching owls and rabbits which is rather curious. Owls—when you discover one in a tree, and find it is looking at you, all you have to do is to move quickly round the tree several times, when the owl, in the mean time, whose attention will be so firmly fixed, that, forgetting the necessity of turning its body with its head, will follow your motions with its eyes till it
wrings its head off. Rabbits—Place apples in the parts where they frequent, after sprinkling them with snuff ; and when they come to smell, the snd. den effort to sneeze which they make, never fails to break their necks, and even, in some cases, has been known to cause them to turn heels over head a considerable distance.
When is a soldier in a mess? When he's retreating from the field of battle with his right leg left behind, and his left right before.
INFORMATION FOR THIEVES. A FARMER, some years ago, who had been a good deal plagued by persons stealing his turnips, sowed a head ridge for the use of the public, and put up a label with this inscription :-“ You are requested to steal out of this spot.”
AN ITALIAN BULL, In a life of St. Francis Xavier, written by an Italian monk, it is said that by one sermon he converted 10,000 persons in a desert island.
AN IRISH PARLIAMENTARY BULL. In the Bank Bill passed in June 1808, there is a clause providing, that the profits shall be equally divided, and that the residue shall go to the governor.
THE LAST AMERICAN THEFT.
The most impudent and expert achievement in the art of thieving that we have lately heard of, was related to us a few days since, as follows :
At a labourer's boarding-house, where it is customary in warm weather for the men to leave their coats in the entry while at meals, a thief took it into his head to make an incursion one day, while all hands were busy at dinner. Accordingly he reconnoitred the passage-way, saw a good variety of coats and jackets, some new, some half-worn, &c. &c., all of which he gathered into his arms, and carelessly commenced making his exit. Just as he was about to cross the threshold, the man of the house, who was late at dinner, arrived at the door.
“What are you doing with those coats ?” said the landlord.
“ I'm taking 'em to my shop, sir.” 6 And what for ?”
“ The gentlemen want to get 'em scoured, sir,” replied the thief.
« Oh, then, if that's all,” said the landlord, “I believe my coat wants scouring, and you may take it along too.”
So saying he doffed his garment, handed it over to the thief, and proceeded to his dinner. The surprise of the boarders when they went to don their habiliments, and the confusion of the landlord in giving his statement, may well be imagined.
HIBERNICISMS. The Irish blunder is sui generis; and it is not only of a class by itself, but it is of the best class. It always puzzles, which mere clownishness does not ; but it always amuses by its oddity, its novelty, and its humour. Of this order was the exclamation of the Irish gentleman who, on getting a ten-pound prize in the lottery, and finding that the prize was less than the money which he had paid for it, cried out, “ What luck it was that I did not get the twenty thousand pound : I must have been entirely ruined !”