of the house, if he would do as they did. On his replying he should be most happy to have the pleasure, she replied, “ dine at home then.He, of course, received his quietus for some time, at least.


“ Life,” said one who had much of it, “ is like a game of backgammon; the most skilful make the best use of it. The dice do not depend upon us in the one case, nor do events depend upon us in the other ; but it is the manner of applying them that occasions the difference of success.'


A young man married a wife whose only claim upon his regard was her personal beauty. She said to him, at the end of one of their quarrels“ You don't love me : you cannot look me in the face and say that you love me.” 6. You mistake me, my dear,” cried he, "for it is only when I look you in the face, that I can say that I love



A MAN that has once got his character up for a wit, is sure of a laugh, say what he may. He may utter as much nonsense as he pleases, and all will pass current. No one stops to question the coin of a rich man, but a poor man cannot pass off a joke or a guinea, without its being examined on both sides. Wit and coin are always doubted with a threadbare coat.


A LAWYER in Ireland, who was pleading the cause of an infant plaintiff, took the child up in his arms, and presented it to the jury, suffused with

tears. This had a great effect, till the opposite lawyer asked, what made him cry? “ He pinched me," answered the little innocent. The whole court was convulsed with laughter.


ARRAH, Pat, why did I marry ye? just tell me that! for it's myself that's had to maintain ye, ever since the blessed day that Father O'Flannaghan sent me home to yer house."

“ Swate jewel,” replied Pat, not relishing the charge, “and, it's myself that hopes I may live to see the day when ye’re a widow, weeping over the cold sod that covers me—then I'll see how you'll get along without me, honey!”

EPIGRAM. “ I'm the man for the ladies,” lisp'd Foppet, the

beau; “ I attend them to routs, balls, and plays.” “ In return," said Tom Blake, “their good-nature

to show,
They instruct you in lacing your stays."


SATIRE often proceeds less from ill-nature, than from the desire of displaying wit.


Wit is the lightning of the mind, reason the sun. shine, and reflection the moonlight'; for as the bright orb of night owes its lustre to the sun, so does reflection owe its existence to reason.

PEACE OF MIND. Though peace of mind does not constitute happiness, happiness cannot exist without it; our serenity being the result of our own exertions, while our happiness is dependent on others : hence the reason why it is so rare ; for, on how few can we countour !-wisdom, therefore, is best shown in cultivating all that leads to the preservation of this negative blessing, which, while we possess it, will prevent us from ever becoming wholly wretched.

ACTIVE AND PASSIVE VERBS. A TEACHER, one day, endeavouring to make a pupil understand the nature and application of a passive verb, said—“ A passive verb is expressive of the nature of receiving an action, as, Peter is beaten. Now, what did Peter do ?" The boy, pausing a moment, with the gravest countenance imaginable replied—“ Well, I don't know, without he hollered."

REFORMERS, REFORMERS are apt to forget, that to regulate a watch, all that is required is, to move the minutehand—not to take the works to pieces.


PHYSICIANS say it is a proof of good digestion, if a man is a few pounds heavier than usual at the beginning of a month, and then lighter at the end of it. I have known some readers who, on this principle, must have had excellent constitutions, for they displayed considerable additional weight just after reading a good book; but if I called to see them a month afterward, were as light as ever.

FOPPERY. A PERSON was remonstrating with a friend on the absurdity of following foppish fashions. “ They are really contemptible," said he, “ and I am sure


all who see you must think you ridiculous.” “I don't value the opinion of the world,” answered the irritated puppy, “I laugh at all those who think me ridiculous." “ Then you must be the merriest man alive," was the reply.

GRIEF. GRIEF lengthens our nights, but shortens our days.

Two gentlemen one day, at a public table, got into a vehement dispute upon a subject on which it was quite evident that both were profoundly ignorant. A big bull-dog, which had been quietly sleeping on the hearth, became roused by their violence, and began barking furiously. An old gentleman who had been quietly sipping his wine while the disputants were talking, gave the dog a kick,and exclaimed, “Hold your tongue, you brute ! You know no more about it than they do." The laugh of the whole table was turned immediately upon the noisy brawlers.


An Irish gentleman, being invited by a friend to stay and dine, replied, No, I thank I have

you, had all the dinner I am going to have.


Truth, it is said, ought not to be spoken at all times. But there is a dangerous ambiguity in the aphorism, and hence it is often employed to a pernicious purpose. It has two senses, one a bad and the other a good one. “ Falsehood ought sometimes to be spoken;" this is the bad and perilous

Cases there are in which truth ought not to be spoken ; what then ought to bo spoken ? Falsehood ? No! nothing at all. That is the good


And this is the sense only in which it should be employed as an aphorism by the moralist.



A GENTLEMAN, of the name of Man, residing near a private madhouse, met one of its poor inhabitants, who had broken from his keeper. The maniac suddenly stopped, and, resting upon a large stick, exclaimed, “ Who are you, sir ?" The gentleman was rather alarmed, but thinking to divert his attention by a pun, replied, “ I am a double man; I am Man by name, and man by nature." “ Are you so ?'' rejoined the other ; “why, I am a inan beside myself, so we two will fight you two." He then knocked down poor Man and ran away.

A VERY LITTLE DAD. There is a certain gentleman within ten miles of Lanark, father of a large family, who is so very short and dwarfish, that to enable him to look out at his windows he actually requires to stand upon his own shoulders.


If we could bring ourselves to consider self but as a subordinate atom in the great mass that forms the world, we should perhaps bear our troubles with more equanimity; but such is our vanity, that each considers himself the centre of a little world of his own.

LAW AND EQUITY. “Pray, my lord,” said a gentleman to a late respected and rather whimsical judge, “what is the distinction between law and equity courts ?”

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