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prospects it opens to the world, mentions a projector, whose enthusiasm carried him so far, that he prognosticated the time would shortly arrive, when by steam and railroad, “a man might travel from Brighton to London in less time than he could stay at home!” Of course it must be by the line without a tunnel.
VALID EXCUSE FOR DRUNKENNESS.
“JEM, you've been drinking.” “No, I haven't ; I've been looking at another man drinking, and it was too much for me."
EVENTFUL PERIODS IN THE LIFE OF A WOMAN.
THERE are two eventful periods in the life of a woman,-one, when she wonders whom she will have; the other, when she wonders who will have her.
SHAKING HANDS. Two duellists having exchanged shots without effect, one of the seconds interfered, and proposed that the parties should shake hands. To this the other second objected as unnecessary, “ for (said he) their hands have been shaking this half hour.”
WARNING. A CLERGYMAN, in an inland country, lately concluded his sermon with the following words :“ Brethren, next Friday is my tithe-day; and those who bring their tithes which are now due to me, shall be rewarded with a good dinner ; but those who do not, may depend that on Saturday they will dine on a lawyer's letter.”
A MATHEMATICIAN. “O DEAR !” blubbered out an urchin who had just been suffering from the 'application of the
birch_“O my! they tell me about forty rods making a furlong, but I can tell a bigger story than that. Let 'em get such a plaguy lickin' as I've had, and they'll find out that one rod makes an acher."
A WOMAN'S ADVANTAGES. A woman may say what she likes to you, without the risk of getting knocked down for it. She can take a snooze after dinner while her husband has to go to work. She can dress herself in neat and tidy shoes for a dollar, which her husband has to earn and fork over to her. She can take a walk on a pleasant day without the fear of being asked to treat at every coffee-house she passes. She can paint her face if too pale, or flour it if too red. She can stay at home in time of war, and wed again if her husband is “ kilt." She can wear corsets if too thick, and other fixins if too thin.
A SCHOOLBOY'S WIT. The master of a free grammar-school was one day endeavouring to instil into the minds of his pupils that two negatives made a positive. On a remarkably fine day, shortly afterwards, the boys were petitioning their master for an afternoon's holiday, to which he, the master, hastily replied, “ No, no.” They were accordingly repairing to their studies, when one of the boys (a very shrewd lad) reminded him of the fact, that two negatives made a positive," and therefore claimed a holiday. The master, pleased with the boy’s wit, immediately granted the request.
THE GREATEST MAN,
The greatest man is he who chooses the right with invincible resolution ; who resists the sorest temptations from within and without ; who bears the heaviest burdens cheerfully ; who is the calmest in storms ; and whose reliance on truth, on virtue, on God, is the most unfaltering.
DISCRETION. DISCRETION is the sure sign of that presence of mind without which valour strikes untimely and impotently.
TESTIMONY. A WITNESS being called to give evidence in a court of Connecticut, respecting the loss of a shirt, gave the following:
:-“Mother said, that Ruth said, that Nell said that Poll told her, that she see a man that see a boy run through the street with a streaked flannel shirt, all checked, checked, checked ; and our gals won't lie, for mother has whipped them a thousand times for lying."
THE AMERICAN CHARACTER. “We are born in a hurry,” says an American writer ;
we are educated with speed ; we make a fortune with a wave of a wand, and lose it in like manner, to remake and relose it in the twinkling of an eye.
Our body is a locomotive, travelling at ten leagues an hour, our spirit is a high-pressure engine, our life resembles a shooting-star, and death surprises us like an electric stroke.”
APPLICATION. Few things are impracticable in themselves ; and it is for want of application, rather than of means, that men fail of success.
One of the Georgian papers, speaking of the horses ready for the May races in that state, says:
“ Already they begin to show their silken skins about the city'; and, judging from appearances, a nag that can't beat a bullet' round a ten-acre field, had as well stay t'other side the creek.”
A PARADOX. Не
same she one he Only only unto the only only truly only Am but thou with art but am but I is
me thou loves I is And there and requite and that and there
THE FASCINATING EDITOR. The editor of the · Nashville Gazette,' is said to be so handsome, that when he walks abroad, he is compelled to carry a club to keep the ladies off.
HYPERION TO A SATYR.
The celebrated • Eclipse' must have been a fool to the horse that won the gold cup at the last Boston Races. He was so swift that a flash of lightning was once known to be a quarter of an hour dogging him round a field before it caught him.
PRUDENCE. PRUDENCE and love are inconsistent ; in proportion as the last increases, the other decreases.
A N'APT REPARTEE. “ Isn't your hat sleepy?”' inquired a little urchin of a gentleman, with a “shocking bad un” on. “ No; why ?" inquired the gentleman. • Why, because I think it's a long time since it had a nap,' was the answer. THE ORIGIN OF NINE TAILORS MAKING THE MAN.
A poor beggar stopped near a tailor's shop, where nine men were at work, and craved charity;
each contribụted his mite, and presented the beggar with the total. The beggar went upon his knees, declaring, they had made him a man.
A SLIGHT DIFFERENCE, A St. Louis paper says, that anthracite coal found lately in Missouri, looks like coal, feels like coal, and smells like coal: all the difference is, that coal burns, and that will not.
SCIENTIFIC NATURE OF LYNCH LAW.
SAM Slick, the Yankee, describes this popular law to be best defined by hanging a man outside a church steeple, to see if it is perpendicular.
HEIGHT OF CHARITY.
UNLACING a young lady's stays to enable her to
AN UNACCOUNTABLE PIG, “ You Socrates," said Mr. Seth Harris, of Poughkeepsie, to his coloured fellow the other day, “you Socrates, have you fed the pigs ?" “ Yes, massa, me fed 'um,” replied Socrates. • Did you count them?”
“Yes, massa, me count’um all but one." 66 All but one?”!
Yes, massa, all but one; dere be one little speckle pig, he frisk about so much, me couldn't count him."
A PENNSYLVANIAN QUILL-DRIVER. An old eccentric clerk in Pennsylvania, after writing several letters, laid his pen down, and having occasion to write again, used his finger, instead of his pen, and did not discover his error until he began to mend it.
The same pride that makes us condemn the faults we imagine ourselves exempt from, inclines