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HOW TO BE RICH,
Nothing is more easy, says Mr. Paulding, than to grow rich.
It is only to trust nobody—to befriend none—to get everything, and save all we get— to stint ourselves and everybody belonging to us—to be the friend of no man, and have no man for our friend—to heap interest upon interest, cent upon cent to be mean, miserable, and despised, for some twenty or thirty years, and riches will come as sure as disease and disappointment.
Money is so scarce in New Orleans, that when two dollars meet, their owners are obliged to introduce them to each other, they are such strangers.,
BOTH HORNS BAD. * The poor tailor in the following sketch from the New Orleans Crescent City fared no better on one horn of the dilemma than the other :-“ Will you pay me my bill, sir ?" said a tailor in Chartress-street, to a waggish fellow who had got into him about a foot. “Do you owe anybody anything, sir ?" asked the wag. “No, sir," said the
tailor. " Then you can afford to wait !" and he walked off. A day or two afterwards the tailor called again. Our wag was not at his wits' end yet ; so, turning on his creditor, he says, you in debt to anybody ?” " Yes, sir,” says the tailor. “Well, why the devil don't you pay ?” “ Because I can't get the money."
66 That's just my case, sir ; I am glad to see you can appreciate my condition-give us your hand !"
EFFECTS OF SPECULATION. A SPECULATOR at the west, recently said to a friend, “ When I first came to Chicago, I had not a rag to my back, and now I am covered with rags.
HINT TO PROSY PREACHERS. A MINISTER having preached a very long sermon, as his custom was, some hours after asked a gentleman his approbation of it. He replied that, “ 'Twas very good, but that it had spoiled a goose worth two of it!"
Tim GIRTLE, coming home from a walk one day, was greatly astonished and annoyed by his cat setting up her back and swearing at him. At length his wife reminded him, that he had his legs in a new pair of dog-skin boots.
REFORM IN TENNESSEE. A Law is proposed in Tennessee to sell off, at auction, all the bachelors to the highest bidders among the young women; a capital law we go for it.
LONG LIFE. At a late assizes at Lancaster, a very old Irishman was found guilty of an offence, for which he was sentenced to fourteen years' transportation ; on receiving the sentence, he bowed profoundly to the court, and thanked his lordship : “For indeed," says he, “I did not think I had so long to live, till your lordship told me.”
THOUGHTS. WHEN we are alone, we have our thoughts, to watch ; in our families our temper, and in society our tongues.
HARD times! and we must make the most of what little we have—as the grocer said when he watered his vinegar.
A DENTIST says he will advertise in our paper, if we take it out in tooth-drawing. We have too few already, sir.
FEMALE DELICACY. THERE is a maiden lady in Connecticut, who is so extremely nice in her notions of female modesty, that she turned off her washerwoman because she put her clothes in the same tub with those of a young man! This is almost equal to the modesty of the lady who was ashamed to remove a tablecover for fear of showing the naked legs of the table. BRANDRETH AND PETER'S PILLS IN THE SHADE.
We advise all patent pill, cordial, and syrup makers and venders, to knock under and shut up shop after reading the following. A shrewd Yankee chap, named Ephraim Whetstone, has invented a species of cordial which is not only a sovereign balm for every wound, but cures all diseases. One of his certificates states, that it cured a man of the rheumatism, his wife of the nervous headache, his eldest daughter of the fever and ague, his next of the hooping-cough, his mother of the yellow jaundice, one of his neighbour's children of the measles, besides mending the cellar stairs, boiling the tea-kettle, and putting the baby to sleep. What renders it still more remarkable is, that there was still enough left to sweeten the coffee next morning.
AN AMERICAN CONUNDRUM. The best conundrum that we have heard lately, says the New York Era, is this—“ If Mr. Catherwood's panorama should burn down, why would he be like an orphan ?-Because he would not have a pa-nor-a-ma."
FEMALE INFLUENCE. „WHOEVER has the women is sure of the men, you may depend. Openly or secretly, or indirectly, they do contrive somehow or another to have their own way in the end.
A NOUN COMMON AND PROPER.
A young lady at school, engaged in the study of grammar, was asked if a
kiss,' was a proper or
After a little hesitation she replied—" It's both common and proper."
NO GENTLEMAN. “ You mustn't smoke here, sir," said a captain of a North River steam-boat, to a man who was smoking among the ladies on the quarter-deck.“ Mustn't-eh-why not ?" replied he, opening his capacious mouth, and allowing the smoke lazily to escape. “ Didn't you see the sign • All gentlemen are requested not to smoke abast the
engine ?'" “ Bless your soul, that don't mean me; I'm not a gentleman—not a bit of it-you can't make a gentleman of me, how you fix it.” So saying, he sucked away and took the responsibility.
I INQUIRED if people lived to a good old age in the island (Mackinaw). His reply was quite American. “ I guess they do ; if people want to die, they can't die here, they're obliged to go elsewhere."
AMERICAN IMAGERY. WHEN the celebrated Colonel D. Crocket first saw a locomotive with the train smoking along the railroad, he exclaimed as it flew past him, “ Hell in harness, by the 'tarnal !"
The immense depth of Seguin's basso, is thus whimsically attested by a Yankee admirer : “ be went so low in the first act, that it was feared he would never be able to get back in time to finish
“ MOTHER,” said a little fellow the other day, 6 is there any harm in breaking egg-shells ?" “ Certainly not, my dear; but why do you ask ?" “ 'Cause I dropt the basket just now, and see what a mess I'm in with the yolk !"
“ Love thy neighbour,” as the parson said to the man that lived next door to the pigsty.
DIALOGUE. “Papa, one of my schoolmates says, his brother wears mustachios; what are they ?” Mustachios, my son, are bunches of hair worn on the lip by certain dandies, as a substitute for brains."