Around, and charm the listening grove. The lark! The linnet! chaffinch! bullfinch! goldfinch! -But O, to me no joy can they afford! Puff. Your white handkerchief, madam !— Tilb. I thought, sir, I wasn't to use that till 350 'heart-rending woe.' Puff. O yes, madam, at 'the finches of the grove,' if you please. Gov. I see their decks Are cleared!-I see the signal made! The line is formed!-a cable's length asunder! I see the frigates stationed in the rear! And now, I hear the thunder of the guns! I hear the victor's shouts !-I also hear The vanquished groan !—and now 'tis smoke and now The Spanish fleet thou canst not see-because Dan. Egad, though, the governor seems to make no allowance for this poetical figure you talk of. Puff. No, a plain matter-of-fact man;that's his character. But will you then refuse his offer? I must-I will-I can-I ought-I do. Tilb... His liberty is all be asks. Sneer. All who asks, Mr Puff? Who isPuff. Egad, sir, I can't tell: Here has been such cutting and slashing, I don't know where they have got to myself. Tilb. Indeed, sir, you will find it will connect very well. -And your reward secure. 39 400 410 420 Puff. O, if they hadn't been so free with their cutting here, you would have 430 found that Don Whiskerandos has been tampering for his liberty, and has persuaded Tilburina to make this proposal to her father. And now, pray observe the conciseness with which the argument is conducted. Egad! the pro and con goes as smart as hits in a fencingmatch. Puff. What! the whole account of Queen Elizabeth? Under Promp. Yes, sir. Puff. And the description of her horse and side-saddle? Under Promp. Yes, sir. Puff. So, so; this is very fine indeed!-Mr Hopkins, how the plague could you suffer this? Mr Hopkins. (Within.) Sir, indeed the pruning-knife 520 530 Puff. The pruning-knife-zounds!--the axe! Why, here has been such lopping and topping, I shan't have the bare trunk of my play left presently!-Very well, sir-the performers must do as they please; but, upon my soul, 540 I'll print it every word. Sneer. That I would, indeed. Puff. Very well, sir: then we must go on.Zounds! I would not have parted with the description of the horse-Well, sir, go onSir, it was one of the finest and most laboured things-Very well, sir; let them go on--there you had him and his accoutrements from the bit to the crupper-Very well, sir; we must go to the park scene. To cut out this 550 scene-But I'll print it; egad! I'll print it every word!-Now for my mysterious yeo man. ... Enter BEEFEater. Puff. Gad! now you put me in mind on't, I 560 believe there is-but that's of no consequence; all that can be said is, that two people happened to hit on the same thought-and Shakespeare made use of it first, that's all. 570 Sneer. Very true. Puff. Now, sir, your soliloquy-but speak more to the pit, if you please-the soliloquy always to the pit, that's a rule. Beef. Though hopeless love finds comfort in de- It never can endure a rival's bliss! [Exit. Dan. That's a very short soliloquy. Puff. Yes-but it would have been a great deal longer if he had not been observed. Sneer. A most sentimental Beefeater that, Mr Puff! Puff. Hark'ee-I would not have you be too sure that he is a Beefeater. Sneer. What, a hero in disguise? Puff. No matter-I only give you a hint. 580 But now for my principal character. Here he comes- - Lord Burleigh in person! Pray, gentlemen, step this way-softly-I only hope the Lord High Treasurer is perfect-if he is but perfect. Enter LORD BURLEIGH, goes slowly to a chair, Sneer. Mr Puff! Puff. Hush!-Vastly well, sir! vastly well! a most interesting gravity! Dan. What, isn't he to speak at all? Puff. Egad, I thought you'd ask me that !— 590 Yes, it is a very likely thing-that a minister in his situation, with the whole affairs of the nation on his head, should have time to talk! -But hush! or you'll put him out. 600 Sneer. Put him out! how the plague can that be, if he's not going to say anything? Puff. There's a reason! why, his part is to think; and how the plague do you imagine he can think if you keep talking? Dan. That's very true, upon my word! LORD BURLEIGH comes forward, shakes his Sneer. He is very perfect indeed! Now, pray what did he mean by that? Puff. You don't take it? Sneer. No, I don't, upon my soul. Puff. Why, by that shake of the head, he gave you to understand that even though they had more justice in their cause, and wisdom in their measures-yet, if there was not a greater spirit shown on the part of the people, the country would at last fall a sacrifice to the hostile ambition of the Spanish monarchy. Sneer. Did he mean all that by shaking his head? Puff. Every word of it-if he shook his head as I taught him. Sneer. Oh, here are some of our old acquaint ance. Enter Sir CHRISTOPHER HATTON and Sir Sir Christ. My niece, and your niece too! Have gained their hearts.-But see Some horrid purpose lowering on their Sir Walt. Let us withdraw, and mark them. Sneer. What is all this? Puff. Ah! here has been more pruning!but the fact is, these two young ladies are also in love with Don Whiskerandos.-Now, gentlemen, ... pray mark! Enter the two NIECES. 1st Niece. Ellena here! She is his scorn as much as I-that is Puff. O dear, madam, you are not to say that to her face !-aside, ma'am, aside.—The whole scene is to be aside. 1st Niece. She is his scorn as much as I—that is 2nd Niece. I know he prizes not Pollina's love; (Aside.) 6: 6: 63 2nd Niece. He comes, the false disturber of my quiet! 64 Now, vengeance, do thy worst! (Aside.) Whisk. Enter DON FEROLO WHISKERANDOS. O hateful liberty-if thus in vain Both Nieces. And ever shalt ! Sir CHRISTOPHER HATTON and Sir WALTER Sir Christ. and Sir Walt. Hold! we will avenge you. (The two Nieces draw their two daggers to strike Puff. There's situation for you! there's an heroic group!-You see the ladies can't stab Whiskerandos-he durst not strike them, for fear of their uncles-the uncles durst not kill 650 him, because of their nieces.-—I have them all at a deadlock!--for every one of them is afraid to let go first. Sneer. Why, then they must stand there for ever! Puff. So they would, if I hadn't a very fine contrivance for't.-Now mind Ia. ACT I.-Scene 2. A Street in Bath. THE RIVALS MRS MALAPROP, LYDIA, SIR ANTHONY ABSOLUTE. Mrs M. There, Sir Anthony, there sits the deliberate simpleton who wants to disgrace her family, and lavish herself on a fellow not worth a shilling. Lyd. Madam, I thought you once Mrs M. You thought, miss! I don't know any business you have to think at all-thought does not become a young woman. But the point we would request of you is, that you will promise to forget this fellow-to illiterate him, I say, quite from your memory. Lyd. Ah, madam! our memories are independent of our wills. It is not so easy to forget. Mrs M. But I say it is, miss; there is nothing on earth so easy as to forget, if a person chooses to set about it. I'm sure I have as much forgot your poor dear uncle, as if he had never existed-and I thought it my duty so to do; and let me tell you, Lydia, these violent memories don't become a young woman. Sir Anth. Why sure she won't pretend to remember what she's ordered not! Ay, this comes of her reading! Lyd. What crime, madam, have I committed, to be treated thus? Mrs M. Now don't attempt to extirpate yourself from the matter; you know I have proof controvertible of it. But tell me, will you promise to do as you're bid? Will you take a husband of your friends' choosing? Lyd. Madam, I must tell you plainly, that had I no preference for any one else, the choice you have made would be my aversion. Mrs M. What business have you, miss, with 'preference' and ‘aversion?' They don't become a young woman; and you ought to know, that as both always wear off, 'tis safest in matrimony to begin with a little aversion. I am sure I hated your poor dear uncle before marriage, as if he'd been a blackamoorand yet, miss, you are sensible what a wife I made; and when it pleased Heaven to release me from him, 'tis unknown what tears I shed! But suppose we were going to give you another choice, will you promise us to give up this Beverley? Lyd. Could I belie my thoughts so far as to give that promise, my actions would certainly as far belie my words. Mrs M. Take yourself to your room. You are fit company for nothing but your own ill humours. Lyd. Willingly, ma'am-I cannot change for the worse. [Exit. Mrs M. There's a little intricate hussy for you! Sir Anth. It is not to be wondered at, ma'am,-all this is the natural consequence of teaching girls to read. . . In my way hither, Mrs Malaprop, I observed your niece's maid coming forth from a circulating library!-She had a book in each hand-they were halfbound volumes, with marble covers! - From that moment I guessed how full of duty I should see her mistress! Mrs M. Those are vile places, indeed! Sir Anth. Madam, a circulating library in a town is as an evergreen tree of diabolical knowledge! It blossoms through the year!And depend on it, Mrs Malaprop, that they who are so fond of handling the leaves, will long for the fruit at last. Mrs M. Fy, fy, Sir Anthony! you surely speak laconically. Sir Anth. Why, Mrs Malaprop, in moderation, now, what would you have a woman know? Mrs M. Observe me, Sir Anthony. I would by no means wish a daughter of mine to be a progeny of learning; I don't think so much learning becomes a young woman; for instance, I would never let her meddle with Greek, or Hebrew, or Algebra, or Simony, or 54 6c 70 80 |