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Price One Shilling, uniform with this Volume, and intended as a Companion to it,
The Vocalist's Companion.
A selection of the most popular Songs, Duets, Glees, &c. now singing at the London Concerts.
HOW TO CURE A COUGH.
ONE Biddy Brown, a country dame,
Went to a doctor (Drench by name),
And sad indeed was Biddy's pain,
The doctor heard her case-and then,
Away went Biddy-and next day
"Aye, zur," the dame with curtsey cries, "Indeed I never mocks ; "But-bless ye-I'd no chest the size, "So I put it on a box!
"But la! zur, it be little use,
"It never rose a bit;
"And you may see it if you choose, "For there it's sticking yet!"
BULLUM versus BOATUM.
Law is-law,-law is law, and as such, and so forth, and thereby, and aforesaid, provided always, nevertheless, notwithstanding. Law is like a country dance, people are led up and down in it till they are tired. Law is like a book of surgery, there are a great many terrible cases in it. It is also like physic-they that take least of it are best off. Law is like a homely gentlewoman, very well to follow. Law is also like a scolding wife, very bad when it follows us. Law is like a new fashion, people are bewitched to get into it; it is also like bad weather, many people are glad when they get out of it.
We shall now mention a case called Bullum versus Boatum,' it was a case that came before me. cause was as follows:
There were two farmers, farmer A and farmer B. Farmer A was seised or possessed of a bull; farmer B was seised or possessed of a ferry-boat. Now the owner of the ferry boat having made his boat fast to a post on shore, with a piece of hay, twisted rope fashion, or as we say, vulgo vocato, a hay-band. After he had made his boat fast to a post on shore, as it was very natural for a hungry man to do, he went up town to dinner ; farmer A's bull, as it was very natural for a hungry bull to do, came down town to look for a dinner; and the bull observing, discovering, seeing, and spying out, some turnips in the bottom of the ferry-boat, the bull scrambled into the ferry boat-he ate up the turnips; and, to make an end of his meal, he fell to work upon the hay-band: the boat being eaten from its moorings, floated down the river, with the bull in it: it struck against a rock-beat a hole in the bottom of the boat, and tossed the bull overboard; whereupon the owner of the bull brought his action against the boat, for running away with the bull-the owner of the boat brought his action against the bull for running away with the boat. And thus notice of trial was given, Bullum versus Boatum, Boatum versus Bullum. Now the counsel for the bull began with saying, My lord, and you,
gentlemen of the jury, we are counsel in this cause for the bull. We are indicted for running away with the boat. Now, my lord, we have heard of running horses, but never of running bulls before. Now, my lord, the bull could no more run away with the boat than a man in a coach may be said to run away with the horses; therefore, my lord, how can we punish what is not punishable? How can we eat what is not eatable? Or, how can we drink what is not drinkable? Or, as the law says, how can we think on what is not thinkable? Therefore, my lord, as we are counsel in this cause for the bull, if the jury should bring the bull in guilty, the jury would be guilty of a bull."
The counsel for the boat observed, that the bull should be nonsuited, because in his declaration he had not specified what colour it was; for thus wisely and thus learnedly spoke the counsel:My lord, if the bull was of no colour, he must be of some colour; and if he was not of any colour, what colour could the bull be?? I overruled this motion myself, by observing the bull was a white bull, and that white is no colour; besides, as I told my brethren, they should not trouble their heads to talk of colour in the law, for the law can colour anything. This cause being afterwards left to a reference, upon the award, both bull and boat were acquitted, it being proved that the tide of the river carried them both away; upon which I gave it as my opinion, that as the tide of the river carried both bull and boat away; both bull and boat had a good action against the water-bailiff.
My opinion being taken, an action was issued, and, upon the traverse, this point of law arose, how, wherefore, and whether, why, when, and what, whatsoever, whereas, and whereby, as the boat was not a compos mentis evidence, how could an oath be administered? That point was soon settled by Boatum's attorney declaring, that for his client he would swear any thing.
The water-bailiff's charter was then read, taken out of the original record in true law Latin; which set forth in their declaration that they were carried away either by the tide of flood or the tide of ebb. The charter of
the water-bailiff was as follows:-Aquæ bailiffi est magistratus in choisi, super omnibus fishibus, qui habuerunt finnos et scalos, claws, shells, et talos, qui swimmare in freshibus vel saltibus riveris, lakis, pondis, canalibus, et wellboats, sive oysteri, prawni, whitini, shrimpi, turboti, soli; that is, not turbots alone, but turbots and soles both together. But now comes the nicety of the law; the law is as nice as a new-laid egg, and not to be understood by addle-headed people. Bullum and Boatum mentioned both ebb and flood to avoid quibbling; but it being proved that they were carried away neither by the tide of flood, nor by the tide of ebb, but exactly upon the top of high water, they were nonsuited; but such was the lenity of the court, upon their paying all costs, they were allowed to begin again de novo.
THE CHESNUT HORSE.
An Eton stripling, training for the law,
His cap and gown and stores of learned pelf,
With all the deathless bards of Greece and Rome,
Arrived, and pass'd the usual how-d'ye-does,
"Well, Tom,-the road; what saw you worth discerning? "How's all at College? and what is't you're learning?" "Learning !-O, logic, sir; but not the musty rules "Of Locke or Bacon, antiquated fools! "But wits' and wranglers' logic; so, d'ye see, "That I can prove as clear as A, B, C, "That an eel-pie's a pigeon; to deny it,
"Is to say black's not black."" Come, let's try it?" Well, sir; an eel pie is a pie of fish."--" Agreed." "A fish pie may be a jack pie."-" Well, proceed." "A jack pie is a John pie--and 'tis done!
"For every John-pie must be a pie-John." (pigeon.) "Bravo! bravo!" Sir Peter cries," Logic for ever!
That bangs my grandmother, and she was clever.