written was blank from offences. I thanked him for the suggestion. "But, no," I whispered to him, "there is more comeliness in a naked fault than in the best attired lie in the world; so I'll even let it stand naked as its mother Eve, who was the first weak creature that took the other fig.' And here the Devil chuckled; for he recollected the good fortune that fell into the first trap he baited with sin, and was not disappointed that he had set one in vain for me. I have never forgotten this little incident of my incidental life; it has served to check me, when I have coveted that which I did not want. And now, when I learn that some one, always famous for his covetousness, bas at last been detected in some flagrant dereliction from honesty, I do not wonder at it; for I attribute it to a long unrestrained habit of taking the other fig. When I am told that a great gourmand of my acquaintance has died over his dessert table, I am not surprised, for I have myself noticed that he always would eat the other fig. When I hear that a man, once celebrated for the expensiveness of his living, and luxuriousness of his table, now wants a common plain dinner, I say, "It is a pity, but he always would have the other fig on the table.” When I see a sensible man daily and nightly staggering through the streets in drunken forgetfulness of himself and of the divine property of his being, and degrading the god-like uprightness of man to the grovelling attitude of the brute, I sigh and say, "This fellow, too, cannot refrain from the other fig." When I look on the miserable miser, who, possessed of gold and land, yet lives without money or house, using not the one as it should alone be used, and enjoying not the other as it should be enjoyed, in all comfort and convenience; and when I see that, though having more than he will use, he covets more, that he may still have more than he can use, I scorn him as a robber of the poor, not to make himself richer than they, but poorer, and more thankless and comfortless, and say, "This poor rich wretch must grasp at the other fig." When I hear of some wealthy veteran trader with the four quarters of the wide world, venturing forth again from his ark of safety, and home of his cld age, on his promised last voyage, and never returning to it, but perishing through the peril of the way, I cannot but pity the man who could not lay up in the safer harbour of home, because he still craved after the other fig. When I behold some swaggering, heavy-pursed gamester enter one of those temples, where Fortune snatches the golden offerings from the altars of her blind fools, to fling them at the feet of her knaves that see, and look at him issuing from thence without a beggarly denier" to bless him with a dinner, I cannot help pitying him, that he should risk the fortune he had, for the other fig, which he has not. When I see some mighty conqueror of men, having many thrones under his dominion, and many sceptres in his hand, struggling for other thrones and sceptres, and one after one losing those he held and commanded, in his rapacious eagerness to snatch at and mount to those he would have, I cannot pity him if he loses so many figs to possess the other fig. When I behold a rich merchant made poor by the extravagance and boldness of his trade specu lations, when, if he could have been content with the wealth he had, he might have lived sumptuously, and died rich, I cannot help thinking it a pity that he could not be content without the other fig. When I hear that a rich man has done a paltry action for the sake of some petty penny-getting gain, I scorn him that he should so much covet the other fig. When I see a man already high in rank, and more ennobled by descent than desert, cringing and stooping to a little dispenser's heels for some new honour, which is but a new disgrace where it is undeserved, it is difficult not to despise him, though even so honoured, who will so degrade himself for the sake of the other fig. When I behold an old man panting and chasing after that pretty, fluttering, light-winged butterfly, beauty, and perhaps panting and toiling after her in vain, or, if he comes up with her, gets nothing of her but her scorn, I cannot but laugh to see the old man make himself so ridiculous for the sake of the other fig. And, to conclude, when I see the detected thief dragged in fetters to the dungeons of durance, I think to myself, "Ay, this is one of the probable consequences of a wilful indulgence in the other fig. A TALE. THE DEVIL OUTWITTED. A Vicar liv'd on this side Trent, Religious, learn'd, benevolent. Pure was his life, in deed, word, thought, A comment on the truths he taught: His parish large, his income small, Yet seldom wanted wherewithal; For against every merry tide Madam would carefully provide. A painful pastor; but his sheep, Alas! within no bounds would keep; A scabby flock, that every day Ran riot, and would go astray. He thump'd his cushion, fretted, vext, Thumb'd o'er again each useful text; Rebuk'd, exhorted, all in vain, His parish was the more profane: The scrubs would have their wicked will, And conning Satan triumph'd still. At last, when each expedient fail'd, And serious measures nought avail'd, It came into his head to try The force of wit and raillery. The good man was by nature gay, Could gibe and joke, as well as pray; Not like some hide-bound folk, who chace Each merry smile from their dull face, And think pride zeal, ill-nature grace. At christenings and each jovial feast, His tales were humorous, often true, ELWES THE MISER. One very dark night, Mr. Elwes, hurrying along the street, ran with such violence against the pole of a sedan-chair, that he cut both his legs very deeply. Colonel Timms, at whose house he was, insisted on an apothecary being sent for, with which Mr. Elwes reluctantly complied. The apothecary, on his arrival, began to expatiate on the dangerous consequences of breaking the skin, the peculiar bad appearance of the wounds, and the good fortune of his being sent for. "Very pro bably," said old Elwes, "but, in my opinion, my legs are not much hurt; now you think they are— so I will make this agreement; I will take one leg, and you shall take the other; you shall do what you please to yours, and I shall do nothing to mine; and I'll wager you your bill that my leg gets well the first." He used to boast that he beat the apothecary by a fortnight. CLERICAL SHEEP-SHEARING. A reverend divine being accused of negligence in his calling, and styled "an unfaithful shepherd," from scarcely ever visiting his flock, defended himself by saying, he was always with them at "shearing time.” EXEMPLARY LIBERALITY THE SINGLE-SPEECH PARROT. Marshal Villars, upon the death of the Duke de There is an eastern story of a person who taught his parrot to repeat only the words, "What doubt Vendôme, in the reign of Louis the X!Vth, was is there of that?" He carried it to the market made Governor of Provence in his room; and for sale, fixing the price at 100 rupees. A mogul when he went to take possession of his new goasked the parrot, "Are you worth 100 rupees?" verament, the deputies of the province made him The parrot answered, What doubt is there of the usual present of a purse full of louis d'ors, but that?" The mogul was delighted, and bought the person who had the honour to present it, said the bird. He soon found out that this was all it to him, "Here, my lord, is such another purse as could say. Ashamed now of his bargain, he said to himself, "I was a fool to buy this bird." The parrot exclaimed as usual, "What doubt is there of that?" 66 THE ONLY CONQUEST. that we gave to the Duke de Vendôme, when, like you, he came to be our governor; but the prince, after accepting of it as a testimony of our regard, very generously returned it."-" Ah," said Marshal Villars, putting the purse into his pocket, M. Vendôme was a most surprising man; he has not left his fellow behind." IRISH DREAMING. A facetious abbé, having engaged a box at the Opera-house, at Paris, was turned out of his possession by a mareschal, as remarkable for his unAn English officer being quartered in a small gentlemanlike behaviour, as for his cowardice and town in Ireland, he and his lady were regularly meanness. The abbé, for this unjustifiable breach besieged as they got into their carriage, by an old of good-manners, brought his action in a court of beggar-woman, who kept her post at the door, ashonour, and solicited permission to be his own sailing them daily with fresh importunities. Their advocate, which was granted. When the day of charity and patience became exhausted; not so trial arrived, he pleaded to the following effect: the petitioner's perseverance. One morning, our "'Tis not of Monsieur Suffrein, who acted so oratrix began" Oh, my lady! success to your nobly in the East Indies-it is not of the Duke de ladyship, and success to your honour's honour, Crebillon, who took Minorca-it is not of the this morning, of all the days in the year; for sure Comte de Grasse, who so bravely fought Lord did I not dream last night that her ladyship gave Rodney, that I complain; but it is of Mareschal me a pound of tea, and your honour gave me a who took my box at the opera-house, and pound of tobacco."-" But, my good woman," never took any thing else." This stroke of satire said the general," don't you know that dreams so sensibly convinced the court, that he had al- go by the rule of contrary?"-" Do they so ?" reready inflicted sufficient punishment, that they re-joined the old woman, then it must maan, that fused to grant him a verdict, your honour will give me the tea, and her ladyship the tobacco." EPITAPH ON CAPTAIN JAMES. Tread softly, mortals, o'er the bones He swore all's true, yet lere he lies. A GREAT COMPOSER. As if he was a very proser. Take comfort, Dormouse!-Though they blame The merit of a rare composer. A MIRACLE ENHANCED. A GOOD CHARACTER. A painter intending to describe the miracle of Lord Mansfield had discharged a coachman the fishes listening to the preaching of St. Anthony whom he suspected of having embezzled his corn; of Padua, painted the lobsters stretching out of the a short time afterwards he received a letter from a water red; having probably never seen them in merchant in the city, requesting a character of their native state. Being questioned on this, and the dismissed servant: his lordship accordingly asked how he could justify his representing the Wrote an answer, that he was a very sober lobsters as boiled, he extricated himself by observ- man, and an excellent coachman, but that he being," that the miracle was the greater.” lieved he had cheated him. Some time after this, going to Caen-wood, his lordship met his old coachman, who accosted him, expressing himself glad to see him in such good health, and thanked him for the character he had given him, in consequence of which he had got an excellent place. THE STAGE-COACH. Resolv'd to visit a far distant friend, Your honour's sure when once the money's paid; I rise, last, the glorious number to complete, swears, The fair one screams, and has a thousand fears; walk to Dublin, ere I'll ride to Chester. Your lordship," he said, "has been pleased to say I was a sober man, and a good coachman, but that you believed I had cheated you; my master observed, that if I answered the two first descriptions, the last he thought little of, for he did not think the devil himself could cheat your lordship." SCARCE ARTICLES: IN A REPUBLIC.. George the First of England having frequently experienced the rapacity of the Dutch at Helvoetsluys, was, in one of his journeys, determined to avoid it by not stopping there. It was a fine summer's day; and while the servants were changing the horses, and stowing his baggage in the coach, he stopped at the door of the principal inn, and asked for three fresh eggs; which having eaten, he enquired what he had to pay for them. "Two hundred florins," was the reply. "How!" cried the astonished monarch," why so? eggs are not scarce at Helvoetsluys.' No," replied the landlord," but kings are. TO A PARISH-CLERK, Sternhold and Hopkins had great qualms, PROOFS OF INSANITY. In a cause respecting a will, evidence was given to prove the testatrix (an apothecary's wife) a lunatic; and, amongst many other things, it was deposed that she had swept a quantity of pots, phials, lotions, potions, &c. into the streets, as rubbish." I doubt," said the learned judge, "whether sweeping physic into the street be any proof of insanity."-" True, my lord," replied the counsel; " but sweeping the pots away certainly was." LORD THURLOW'S RELIGION. Mr. Tierney once observed of Lord Thurlow, who was much given to swearing and parsimony, that he was a rigid disciplinarian in his religion, for that in his house it was passion-week in the parlour, and lent in the kitchen, all the year round. FIREWORKS. An eminent director of fireworks being in company with some ladies, was highly commending the epitaph in the abbey on Mr. Purcell's monu ment "He is gone to that place where only his own Harmony can be exceeded.' "Lord, sir," said one of the ladies, "the same epitaph might serve for you, by altering a single word "He is gone to that place where only his own Fire-works can be exceeded." SLOTH THE CAUSE OF ENNUI. By action 'tis we life enjoy; In idleness we're dead; The soul's a fire will self destroy, VOLTAIRE. RIGID ECONOMY. The steward of the Duke of Gnise representing to him the necessity there was of more economy in his household, gave him a list of many persons The duke, whose attendance was superfluous. after reading it, said—“ It is very true that I can do without all these people, but have you asked them if they can do without me?" UNIVERSITIES. No wonder that Oxford and Cambridge profound, HOBSON'S CHOICE. On a lady's entering the assembly-room at York, Sterne asked her name: he was told it was a Mrs. Hobson; on which he said, "he had often heard of Hobson's choice, but he never saw it before." SKIN AND GRIEF. Thy nags (the leanest things alive), INCOME-TAX. Horne Tooke is said to have given in his return under the property-tax, as having an income of only sixty pounds a year. Being, in conse quence, summoned before the commissioners, whe found fault with his return, and desired him to explain how he could live in the style he did. with so small an income; he replied, "that he had much more reason to be dissatisfied with the smallness of his income than they had; that, as to their enquiry, there were three ways in which people contrived to live above their income. namely, by begging, borrowing, and stealing, and he left it to their sagacity, which of these method he employed. |