AN ARCH REPLY. A little boy having been much praised for his quickness of reply, a gentleman present observed, that when children were keen in their youth, they were generally stupid and dull when they advanced in years, and vice versa. "What a very sensible" boy, sir, must you have been !" returned the child. THE TIPPLING BLACKSMITH. Tom Sledge, the blacksmith, by his frequent whets TOAD-EATING. A viceroy of Ireland asked one of his guests at a public dinner, why there were no toads in Ireland; to which he replied, "Because, please your excellency, there are so many toud-eaters." FOUL BREATH. A gentleman having a remarkably bad breath, was met by a nobleman, who asked him where he had been." I have been taking the air this morning," said he," which was rather disagreeable tou, as I had a d―d north-wind fall in my face all the time."-" Come, come," replied his lordship, "don't you complain; by G-d, the north-wind had the worst of it." IMPUDENCE. A WAGER. The bucks had din'd, and deep in council sat; Start from the summit of the crystal pane. Performs its current down the slipp'ry course!" But, ah! the glitt'ring joys of life are short! Each curs'd his fate, that thus their project How hard their lot who neither won nor lost! Louis the Eighth, in the midst of his conquests, was seized with a disorder, for which his physicians could prescribe no other remedy than that of breaking the seventh commandment, his queen being then of necessity at Paris, to govern during his absence. He opposed this wicked project; yet, while he was asleep, his courtiers introduced into his chamber a lady of exquisite beauty, who, on his awaking, confessed what she was sent for. Mr. Garrow examining a very young lady, who“ No, my child," said the king," I had rather was a witness in a case of assault, asked her, if die than commit a deadly sin ;" and then ordering the person who was assaulted did not give the de- the girl to be married off, and making his will, die fendant very ill language, and utter other words he did. so bad that he, the learned counsel, had not impudence enough to repeat them; she replied in the athrmative. "Will you, madam, be kind enough, then," said he," to tell the court what these words were?"—"Why, sir," replied she, "if you have not impudence enough to speak them, how can you suppose that I have." DANGER OF UPRIGHTNESS. A judge going the western circuit, had a great stone thrown at his head; but, from the circumstauce of his stooping very much, it passed over him. "You see," said he to his friends, "that had I been an upright judge, I might have been killed." KING EDWARD IV. AND THE TANNER OF In summer time, when leaves grow greene, King Edward wolde a hunting ryde, Some pastime for to see. With hawke and hounde he made him bowne; To Drayton Basset he took his waye, And he had ridden o'er dale and downe A fayre russet coat the tanner had on Nowe stand you still, my good lordes all, "God speede, God speede thee," said our king, "To Drayton Basset would'st thou goe, "That is an unreadye way," sayd our king, And I pray thee wend with mee." "Away with a vengeance!" quoth the tanner: "I holde thee out of thy witt; All day have I rydden on Brocke my mare, "Go with me down to Drayton Basset, No dainties we will spare; All daye shalt thou eate and trinke of the best, And I will paye thy fare." "Gramercye for nothing," the tanner replyde, I trowe I've more nobles in my purse, "God give thee joy of them," sayd the king, The tanner wolde faine have been away, "What art thou," he sayde," thou fine fellowe, Of thee I am in great feare, For the cloathes thou wearest upon thy backe "I never stole them," quoth our king, "Then thou playest as many an unthrift doth "I hear no tidings, sir, by the masse, "Cowe hides! cowe-hides! what things are those? I marvell what they be?" "What art thou a foole ?" the tanner reply'd ; "I carry one under me." "What craftsman art thou," sayd the king, I am a poore courtier, sir," quoth he, Marrye, heaven forfend!" the tanner replyde, "That thou my prentise were: Thou woldst spend more good than I shold winn, By fortye shilling a yere." Noe pence, nor halfpence, by my faye, But a noble in gold so round." "Here's twenty groats of white moneye, t Sith thou wilt bave it of mee.' I would have sworne now," quoth the tanner, "Thou hadst not had one pennie. "But since we two have made a change, Although thou hast gotten Brocke my mare, Thy foule cow-hide I would not beare, The tanner he tooke his good cowe-hide, When I come home to Gyllain, my wife, The kinge he took him by the legge; The tanner a flet fall. "Nowe marrye, good fellowe," sayd the king, "Thy courtesye is but smail." When the tanner he was in the kinge's saddelle, And his foote in the stirrup was; He marvelled greatly in his minde, Whether it were golde or brass. But when his steede saw the cow's-taile wagge, He stamped, and stared, and away he ranne, The tanner he pull'd, the tanner he sweat, At length the tanner came tumbling downe; Take thy horse again with a vengeance," he sayd, "With me he shall not byde." "My horse wold have borne thee well enoughe, But he knewe not of thy cowe-hide. Yet if againe thou faine woldst change, By the faith of my bodye, thou jolly tanner, Here's twenty groates out of my purse; And I have one more, which we will spend The kinge set a bugle horn to his mouthe, Nowe, out alas!" the tanner he cryde, Thou art a strong thiefe, yon comes thy fellowes Will beare my cowe-hide away." They are no thieves," the king replyde, But they are the lords of the north countrey, And soone before our king they came, And knelt downe on the grounde; "A coller, a coller, here," sayd the king, "A coller, a coller," the tanner he sayd, After a coller, comes a halter, And I shall be hanged to morrowe." I wote no halter thou shalt weare, "For Plumpton parke I will give thee, With tenements faire beside: 'Tis worth three hundred markes by the yeare, To maintain thy good cow.hide." "Gramercye, my liege," the tanner replyde, "For the favour thou hast me showne; If ever thou comest to merry Tamworth, Neates leather shall clout thy shoen." A FAIR OFFER. A gentleman who employs a great number of hands in a manufactory in the west of England, in order to encourage his work-people in a due attendance at church on a late fast-day, told them that if they went to church, they would receive their wages for that day in the same manner as if they had been at work; upon which a deputation was apppointed to acquaint their employer," that, if he would pay them for over-hours, they would attend likewise at the Methodist chapel in the evening." Sarah, Duchess of Marlborough, was accustomed to make an annual feast, to which she invited all her relations. At one of these family-meetings she drank their health, adding, What a glorious sight it is to see such a number of brauches flourishing from one root!" but abserving one of her guests laugh, she insisted on knowing what eccasioned his mirth, and promised to forgive him, be it what it would. Why, then, madam,' said he, "I was thinking how much more all the branches would flourish, if the root were under ground." FISHING FOR A DINNER. was As Mr. Cunningham, the pastoral poet, fishing on a Sunday near Darham, a reverend as well as corpulent clergyman chanced to pass that way, and knowing Mr. Cunningham, reproached him for breaking the sabbath, and told him that he was doubly reprehensible, as his good sense should have taught him better. The poet turned round and replied, "Your external appearance, reverend sir, says, that if your dinner was at the bot tom of the river with mine, you would angle for it. though it were a fast-day, and your Saviour stood by to rebuke you." THE OTHER FIG. I remember that some years ago, when I knew too little of the world, and thought too much and too sensitively of its slightest and least opinion of me, I supped with an author of much eminence as a wit and a poet, in the company also of men of wit and poetry; and much mad mirth, and wit, and high exciting talk we had, too mad and too high for me, who could only laugh or wonder in silence at so many brilliant imaginations, and watch for the striking out of those brisk fiery sparks of their wit, So nimble and so full of subtle flame, theearth earthly." The basket of figs still stood before me; they were sweet as the lips of Beauty, and tempting as the apples of Eden; and I was born of Eve, and inherited her “prigging tooth." It is no matter where temptation comes from, whether from Turkey or Paradise; if the man Adam to be tempted is ripe for ruin, any wind may shake him off the tree of steadfastness. Every man has his moment of weakness: I had two, and in these I fell. "I really must take the other fig," said I, taking it before the words were out. I had no sooner possession of it, than I blushed with the consciousness that I had committed a sin against self-restraint; and this confusion was increased by observing that the eyes of mine host had followed the act, as if they would inquire into it, and ascertain the true meaning of it, and perhaps set it down over against the credit side of my character. "I was all ear to hear," and took in" jests I was too much afraid that I had the weakness of which would create a laugh under the ribs of covetousness in my composition, and that I had death;" and thoughts, and high imaginations, betrayed it to a man who, though renient and which might "lift a man to the third heaven of charitable, and inclined to think well of the invention," and thither I was for once lifted. But slightly faulty, would nevertheless weigh it in the there are souls of that weak wing, that so much balance of estimation, and value and think of it the higher that they soar above the proper level of and me accordingly. I deserved to blush for their flight, so much the lower shall they fall be- it, and I did to the bottom of the stairs, as I delow the level of their proper resting-ground; and scended with him, chewing the sweet fruit of mine as, under the excitement of wine, some men will offence, and the bitter consequence of it-an unbetray all their hidden foibles, and the flaws and easy thought of shame. But out of the greatest weak parts in their characters, so under the ex- evil we may deduce good; and from the knowcitement of too much wit, I betrayed one frailty ledge of our weakness we may derive strength. in mine. It was after supper that a basket of most One thing only comforted me in my acute disgrace mouth-melting figs was put on the friendly board, I had the courage to resist making an equivocatory out of which, among other fingers, I was then apology for the act, which I was for a moment modest and moderate enough to deduct only one tempted to make; for the Devil, who has his good of its jammed and compressed lumps of luscious- things at his tongue's end, as well as much better ness; but, in a short time after this, music and beings, suggested, in a whisper, and with a nudge Mozart, which are synonymous, were proposed, at my elbow, that I took it merely to have occaand all the company left the supper-room for the sion for rewarding one of the wits with "a fig music-parlour, with the exception, for two loi- for his joke," mentioning him by name as patly tering moments, of the hospitable host and myself: as if he had it in his books, though I doubted his it was in that short time that I fell from the hea-having it there at all; and if he had, I'll be his ven of my high exaltation, and proved myself of surety that all the rest of the page where it was |