HARD AT THE BOTTOM.

QUALIFICATIONS FOR A KINSMAN.

A traveller riding down a steep hill, and fearing Sir Nicholas Bacon being once in the capacity the foot of it was unsound, called out to a man of a judge on the point of passing sentence apon who was ditching, and asked him “if it was hard a fellow just found guilty of a robbery, the culat the bottom."—" Aye," answered the country-prit alleged he had the honour of being one of man," it is hard enough at the bottom, I warrant his lordship's relations. "How do you prove you." The traveller, however, had not rode halfa-dozen yards, before the horse sunk up to the saddle-skirts. "Why! you villain," said he, calling out to the ditcher, "did not you tell me it was hard at the bottom ?"-" Aye,” replied the fellow, "but you are not half-way to the bottom yet."

ON A BOWL OF PUNCH.

Whene'er a bowl of punch we make
Four striking opposites we take ;

The strong, the small, the sharp, the sweet,
Together mix'd most kindly meet; .
And when they happily unite,
The bowl" is pregnant with delight.",

In conversation thus we find,
That four men differently inclin'd;
With talents each distinct, and each
Mark'd by peculiar powers of speech;
With tempers too, as much the same,
As milk and verjnice, frost and flame :
Their parts, by properly sustaining,
May all prove highly entertaining.

LIBERALITY.

that?" said Sir Nicholas. "My lord," replied the man, your name is Bacon and my name is Hog, and hog and bacon have in all ages been reckoned akin."—" That is trae," answered the judge; "but hog is never bacon till it has been hung, and therefore, until you are hung, you can be no relation of mine."

CHINA AND CROCKERY.

A lady of rank one day remarked to a large company of visitors, that the three classes of the community, nobility, gentry, and commonalty, might very well be compared to the tea-drinking utensils, china, delft, and crockery. A few minutes elapsed, when one of the company expressed a wish to see the lady's little girl, who was in the nursery. On this the footman was dispatched with orders to the nursery-maid, to whom he called out from the bottom of the stairs, in an audible voice, "hollo crockery, bring down little china."

A HINT IN SEASON.

When an attempt was made, some years ago, to prove Lord Harborough an idiot, the counsel on both sides produced the same instance-one of his wit, the other of his folly. His servants were once puzzled to unpack a large box, and his lordship advised them to do with it as they did with an oyster, to put it into the fire, and it would gape.

MODESTY.

A gentlemain much against the custom of giving to servants, where he dined, resolved to play them a trick on his next visit. He collected about a dozen farthings, and as they stood in two rows, forming an avenue, when he left the house, he distributed one to each alternately right and left; An Irish woman once called upon an apothecary by the time he had given the last, the butler, with a sick infant, when the apothecary gave her with whom he had begun, perceived his donation, some powder, of which he ordered as much as would and respectfully advancing, began to stammer out lie on a sixpence to be given every morning; the an apology," I believe, sir, you have made woman replied, " perhaps your honour will lend a slight mistake—you haveOh, no," me a sixpence the while, as I hav'n't got one at fall."

66

said the gentleman, "I never give less."

DELICATE REPROOF.

Macklin, sitting one night at the back of the front boxes, with a friend, a lobby-lounger stood up immediately before him, and his person being rather large, prevented a sight of the stage. Macklin took fire at this, but managing his passion with more temper than usual, patted the intruder on the shoulder with his cane, and gently requested him, "when any thing entertaining occurred upon the stage, to let him and his friend be apprized of it; for you see, my dear sir," said the veteran," that at present we must totally depend upon your kindness."

PARLIAMENTARY SLEEPERS.

Sheridan, one evening, in the midst of a long debate in the House of Commons, took an opportunity, on perceiving a member rise who was remarkable for prosing, to retreat for the purpose of taking some refreshment. On his return he saw several members who had fallen into a nap; and one among them, remarkable for his corpulency, was snoring in an elevation of tone that might be very distinctly heard, on which the dramatic wit, entering in a hurry, exclaimed in the words of Shakespeare

"What's the business,

That such a hideous trumpet calls to parley ?"

ON PUNCH.

Hence, restless care, and low design!
Hence, foreign compliments and wine!
Let generous Britons, brave and free,
Still boast their punch and honesty.
Life is a bumper, filled by fate,
And we the guests who share the treat;
Where strong, insipid, sharp, and sweet,
Each other duly temp'ring meet;
Awhile with joy the scene is crown'd,
Awhile the catch and toast go round;
And when the full carouse is o'er,
Death puffs the light, and shuts the door.
Say, then, physicians of each kind,
Who cure the body, or the mind;
What harm, in drinking, can there be,
Since punch and life so well agree?

CLASSIC TASTE.

Swift dining one day at a friend's, where the hock was given round in very small glasses; "Come Mr. Dean," said the host, "I'll pledge you in 3 glass of hic, hæc, hoc.". No, sir," replied Swift, I beg leave to decline it; so, John," turning to the servant, "bring me a kujus glass.”

GOUT AND RHEUMATISM

A Frenchman, being afflicted with the gout, was asked what difference there was between that and the rheumatism? "One very great diffe rence," replied Monsieur, "Suppose you take one vice, you put your finger in, you turn de screw, till you bear him no longer-dat is the rheumatis-den, spose you give him one turn more, dat is de gout.'

ON SIX SORTS OF PEOPLE, WHO KEEP FASTS.
The miser fasts because he will not eat,
The poor man fasts, because he has no meat;
The rich man fasts, with greedy mind to spare
The glutton fasts, to eat the greater share;
The hypocrite, he fasts, to seem more holy,
The righteous man, to punish sin and folly.

THE LAUGHING PHILOSOPHER.

THE LUDRICOUS MAN.

"It's

"He wants

"Well, what does he want now ?”.
to get out, please your lordship."-" Wants to get
out! Then keep him in; keep him in I say, sir."
-The obedient officer did as he was directed; but
the persevering man was not to be so easily driven
Watching an opportunity,
from his purpose.
therefore, and elbowing his way to an open win-
dow, he mounted on what is called the sole, and
appeared, contrary to all rule, to be meditating his
escape in that direction; but the vigilant officer

"It's the man, my

A circumstance occurred some time ago at a circuit court of justiciary in Scotland, in the presence of a judge whose peculiarities of temper and manner were more than compensated by his Their many excellent and amiable qualities. lordships and suite had just met, and were proceeding to investigate rather an interesting case, when their deliberations were interrupted by a continued knocking at the outer court-door. fresh tumult ensued. His lordship appeared Again and again the shrill-tongued macer ejacu-again caught the tartar, and again interfering, a lated, "Silence! silence there!" to little or no angry, (as well he might), and a third time expurpose; but when the judge exclaimed," What's claimed, "What's the matter now? is there to be the meaning of all that noise? Macer-officers, no end to this?"—Officer. Shew what are you about, that you don't put an end to lord." What! the same man' again i that constant shuffle-shuffling?"-Officer. me the fellow, and I'll man him."-The officer a man, my lord."-"A man! what man, sir? here pointed to a respectable-enough looking indiWho, where is he, and what does he want?"vidual, who, as he said, "had cruppen up on the "He's at the outside, please your lordship, and window-sole, and wanted to get down again.”— Well, keep wants to get in."-"Well, keep him out, keep Judge. "Up on the window-sole! him out I say, sir!"-The officer bowed or nodded him up ; keep him up I say, sir, if it should be to assent, and the business of the court proceeded. the day of judgment!" (perhaps his lordship By and bye, however, an individual possessing the meant the hour of judgment.)—It is almost needright of entrée walked into the hall of justice, and less to add, that these successive interruptions "the man," watching his opportunity, slipped in threw the audience into a roar of laughter, and at the same time. By a levity and restlesness, that the incorrigible man, while held in durance however, by no means uncommon, he had not been on the window-sole, had far more eyes turned well in till he wished to get out again-applying, upon him than either the prisoners or witnesses at perhaps, to a court of law what Chaucer presump- the bar. tuously says of the blessed state of matrimony

"Marriage is like a rabble rout→ Those that are out would fain be in, And those that are in would fain be out." With this he began to jostle every body near him, a proceeding which not only created a new hubJudge. bub, but drew forth a fresh rebuke.. "What's all this now? Even if my cars were as sharp as those of Dionysius, and the room in which I sit as well contrived as the celebrated vault in which he kept his prisoners, it would be impossible for me to hear one word that the witness is saying."-Officer. "It's the man, my lord.""What! the same man?”—“The verra same.”

SIMILES. TO MOLLY.

My passion is as mustard strong;
I sit all sober sad;

Drunk as a piper all day long,

Or like a March-hare mad.
Round as a hoop the bumpers flow,

I drink, yet can't forget her;
For, tho' as drunk as David's sow,
I love her still the better.
Pert as a pear-monger, I'd be,

If Molly were but kind;
Cool as a cucumber could see

The rest of woman-kind,

When the late Judge Grose was presiding during the assizes at Bury St. Edmund's, a dog, which happened to have followed some one into court, gave tongue rather loudly, at the same time with one of the barristers. Immediately there was a G-cry of "Turn that dog out!" but his lordship said, "Turn out the man he belongs to, and we shall soon get rid of the dog."