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CHOICE MORSELS OF DRAMATIC WIT.
A KING OF LOW COMPANY.
Then come, put the jorum about,
And let us be merry and clever;
Our hearts and our liquors are stout ;
TONY LUMPKIN at the head of the table, a lilile Let some cry up woodcock or hare, higher than the rest : a mallet in his hand..
Your bustards, your ducks, and your widgeons ;
But of all the birds in the air,
Here's a health to the Three Jolly Pigeons, squire is going to knock himself down for a song.
Toroddle, toroddle, toroll, Omnes. Ay, a song, a song.
Omnes. Bravo, bravo. Tony. Then I'll sing you, gentlemen, a song 1 1 Fel. The squire has got spunk in him. made upon this alehouse, the Three Pigeons.
2 Fel. I loves to hear him sing, bekeays he never gives us nothing that's low.
3 Fel. O, damn any thing that's low ; I can't bear Let schoolmasters puzzle their brain,
it. With grammar, and nonsense, and learning ; 4 Fel. The genteel thing is the genteel thing at Good liquor, I stoutly maintain,
any time, if so be that a gentleman bees in a conGive genius a better discerning.
catenation accordingly. Let them brag of their heathenish gods,
3 Fel. I like the maxum of it, master Muggins, Their Lethes, their Styxes, and Stygians : What though I am obligated to dance a bear, a inan Their quis, and their quæs, and their quods,
may be a gentleman for all that. May this be my They're all but a parcel of pigeons.
poison if my bear ever dances but to the very genteelToroddle, toroddle, toroll.
est of tunes-" Water parted," or the minuet in When methodist preachers come down
Ariadne. A preaching that drinking is sinful,
2 Fel. What a pity it is the squire is not come to I'll wager the rascals a crown,
It would be well for all the publicans They always preach best with a skinful. within ten miles round of him. But when you come down with your pence, Tony. Ecod, and so it would, master Slang. I'd For a slice of their scurvy religion,
then show what it was to keep choice of company. I'll leave it to all men of sense,
2 Fel. Oh, he takes after his own father for that. Hut you, my good friend, are the pigeon. To be sure old squire Lumpkin was the finest gentle- ,
Toroddle, toroddle, toroll.'man I ever set my eyes on. For winding the straight
DRILLING A COUNTRY ESTABLISHMENT OF
horn, or beating a thicket for a hare, or a wench, he unpossible. Whenever Diggory sees yeating going never had his fellow. It was a saying in the place, forwards, ecod he's always wishing for a mouthful that he kept the best horses, dogs, and girls in the himself. whole county:
Hard. Blockhead! is not a belly ful in the kitchen Tony. Ecod, and when I'm of age I'll be no bastard, as good as a bellyful in the parlour ! Stay your I promise you. I have been thinking of Bet Bouncer stomach with that reflection. and the miller's grey mare to begin with. But come, Dig. Ecod I thank your worship, I'll make a shift my boys, drink about and be inerry, for you pay no to stay my stomach with a slice of cold beef in the reckoning:
Nard. Dirgory, you are too talkative. Then if I bappen to say a good thing, or tell a good story at table, you must not all burst out a laughing, as if you
made part of the company. Enter HARDCASTLE, followed by three or four awkward servants.
Dig. Then ecod your worship must not tell the
story of Ould Grouse in the gun-room : I can't help Hard. Well, I hope you're perfect in the table ex. laughing at thai-hie! he! he !—for the soul of me ercise I have been teaching you these three days. We have laughed at that these twenty years--ha! You all know your posts and your places, and can ha! ha! show that you' have been used to good compauy,
Hard. Ila! ha! ha! The story is a good one. without stirring from home.
Well, honest Distory, you may laugh at that-but Omnes. Ay, ay:
still remember to be atientive. Suppose one of the Hard. Wheu company comes, you are not to pop company should call for a glass of wine, how will you out and stare, and then run in again, like frighted beliave? A ylass of wine, sir, if you please. [To Digrabbits in a warren,
gory)--Eh, why don't you move ? Omnes. No, no.
Dig: Ecou, your worship, I never have courage till Hard. You. Diggory, whom I have taken from the I see the eatables and drinkables brought upon the barn, are to make a show at the side-table ; and you, table and then I'm as bauld as a lion. Roger, whom I have advanced from the plough, are ilure. What, will nobody move ? to place yourself behind my chair. But you're not 1 Serv. I'm not to leave this place. to stand so, with your hands in your pockets. Take 2 Serr. I'm sure it's no pleace of mine. your hands from your pockets, Roger, and from your 3 Siri. Nor mine, for saitain. head, you blocklead you. See how Disgory carries Dig. Wauns, and I'm sure it canna be mine. his hands. They're a little too stiff, indeed, but Hard. You nuskulls ! and so while, like your that's no great matter.
betters, you are quarrelling for places, the guests Dig. Ay, mind how I hold them : I learned to must be starved. O you dunces ! i tind i must begin hold my hand this way when I was upon drill for the all over again. But don't I hear a coach drive militia. And so being upon drill
into the yard ? To your posts, you blockheads. I'll Hard. You must not be so talkative, Diggory; go in the mean time and give my old friend's son a you must be all attention to the guests : You must hearty welcome at the gate.
[E.rit. hear us talk, and not think of talking ; you must see Dig. By the elevens, iny place is gone quite out us drink and not think of drinking; you must see us of my head. eat, and not think of eating.
Roger. I know that my place is to be every where. Diy. By the laws, your worship, that's parfectly | Serv. Where the devil is mine?
FREE AND EASY VISITORS.
2 Serv. My place is to be no where at all; and so Hard. Which might consist of about five thousand I'ze
men, well appointed with stores, ammunition, and
other implements of war. Now savs the duke of HARDCASTLE enters the room in which MARLOW and Marlborough, to George Brooks ihat stood next to him,
HASTINGS (who mistake his house for an inn) are you must have heard of George Brooks—I'll pawn seated.
my dukedom, says he, but I take that garrison with Hard Gentlemen, you are heartily welcome. out spilling a drop of blood. So-Which is Mr. Marlow ? Sir, you're heartily welcome.
Mar. What, my good friend, if you give us a glass It's not my way, you see, to receive my friends with of punch in the mean tiine, it would help us to carry my back to the fire ; I like to give them a hearty re- on the siege with vigour. ception in the old style at my gate : I like to see
Hard. Punch, sir! -This is the most unaccounttheir horses and trunks taken care of.
able kind of modesty I ever met with. [2side. Mar. (Aside. He has got our names from the ser
Mar. Yes, sir, punch. A glass of warm punch, vants already. (To Hard.) We approve your caution after our journey, will be comfortable. and hospitality, sir. [To Hast.] I have been think
Enter servant, with a tankard. ing, George, of changing our travelling dresses in the This is Liberty-hall, you
know. morning; I am grown confoundedly ashamed of
Hard. Here's a cup, sir. mine.
Mar. So this fellow, in his Liberty-hall, will only Hard. I beg, Mr. Marlow, you'll use no ceremony let us have just what he pleases.
(.1side in this house.
Hard. [7'aking the cup] I hope you'll find it to Hiast. I fancy, George, you're right: the first blow your mind. I have prepar'd it with my own hands, is half the battle.
and I believe you'll own the ingredients are tolerable. Hard. Mr. Marlow— Mr. Hastings-gentlemen- Will you be so good as to pledge me, sir ? Here, Mr. pray be under no restraint in this house. This is Marlow, here is to our better acquaintance. Liberty-hall, gentlemen; you may do just as you
[Drinks, and gives the cup to Marlow, please here.
Mar. A very impudent fellow this ! but he's a chaMar. Yet, George, if we open the campaign too racter, and I'll humour him a little. [Aside.] Sir, my fiercely at first, we may want ammunition before it is service to you. We must show our generalship, by securing,
(Drinks, and gives the cup to Hastings. if necessary, a retreat.
Hast. I see this fellow wants to give us his comHardl. Your talking of a retreat, Mr. Marlow, puts pany, and forgets that he's an innkeeper, before he has me in mind of the duke of Marlborough, when he learned to be a gentleman.
[Aside. went to besiege Denain. He first summoned the
Mar. From the excellence of your cup, my friend, garrison.
I suppose you have a good deal of business in this Mar. Ay, and we'll summon your garrison, old part of the country. Warm work, now and then at boy.
elections I suppose. Hard. He first summoned the garrison, which
[Gives the tankard to Hardcastle. might consist of about five thousand men--
Hard. No, sir, I have long given that work over. Hast. Marlow, what's o'clock?
Since our betters have hit upon the expedient of Hard, I say, gentlemen, as I was telling you, he electing each other, there's no business for us that summoned the garrison, which might consist of about sell ale.
[Gives the tankard to Hastings, five thousand men.
Hast. So then you have no turn for politics, I find. Mar, Five minutes to seven.
Hard. Not in the least. There was a time, indeed,
I fretted myself about the mistakes of government, Hard. Entirely. By-the-by, I believe they are in like other people ; but finding myself every day grow actual consultation upon what's for supper this more angry, and the government growing no better, moment in the kitchen. I left it to mend itself. Since that, I no more trouble Mar. Then I beg they'll admit me as ore of their my head about who's in or who's out, than I do about privy council. It's a way I have got. When I traJohn Nokes or Tom Stiles. So my service to you. vel, I always choose to regulate my own supper. Let
Hast. So that with eating above stairs and drink the cook be called. No offence, I hope, sir. ing below, with receiving your friends within and Hard. () no, sir, none in the least : yet I don't amusing them without, you lead a good, pleasant, know, our Bridget, the cookmaid, is not very combustling life of it.
municative upon these occasions. Should we send Hard. I do stir about a good deal, that's certain. for her, she might scold us all out of the house. Half the differenees of the parish are adjusted in this Hast. Let's see the list of the larder then. I ask very parlour.
it as a favour. I always match my appetite to my Alar. (After drinking] And you have an argu- bill of fare. ment in your cup, old gentleman, better than any in Mar. [To Hardcastle, who looks at them with surWestminster-hall.
prise] Sir, he's very right, and it's my way too. Hard. Ay, young gentleman, that, and a little Hard. Sir, you have a right to command here, philosophy.
Here, Roger, bring us the bill of fare for to-niglit's Mar. Well, this is the first time I ever heard of an supper. I believe it's drawn out. Your manner, Mr. innkeeper's philosophy.
[Aside. Hastings, puts me in mind of my uncle, colonel WalHasi. So then, like an experienced general, you lop. It was a saying of his, that no man was sure of attack them on every quarter. If you find their reason his supper till he had eaten it. manageable, you attack hem with your philosophy; [Servant brings on the bill of fare, and exit. if you find they have no reason, you attack them with Hast. All upon the high ropes! Ilis uncle a colothis. Here's your health, my philosopher. [Drinks. nel! we shall soon hear of his mother being a justice
Hari. Good, very good, thank you ; ha! ha! of peace. [Aside.) But let's hear the will of fare. Your generalship puts me in mind of prince Eugene Bar. [Perusing] What's here? For the first when be fought the Turks at the battle of Belgrade. course ; for the second course ; for the lesserl. The You shall hear.
devil, sir, do you think we have brought down the Mar. Instead of the battle of Belgrade, I think it's whole joiners' company, or the corporation of Bedford, almost time to talk about supper. What has your to eat up such a supper ? two or three little things, philosophy got in the house for supper ?
clean and comfortable, will do. llaril. For supper, sir!
-las ever such a re last. But let's hear it. quest to a man in his own house !
[aside. Mar. [Rearling] For the first course ; at the top Mar. Yes, sir, supper, sir ; I begin to feel an ap- a pig and prune sauce. petite. I shall make deyilish work to-night in the Hust. Damn your pig, I say. jarder, I promise you.
Mar. And damn your prune sauce, say I. Hard. Such a brazen dog sure never my eyes Hard. And yet, gentlemen, to men that are hun, beheld. [-side.] Why really, sir, as for supper, I gry, py, with prune sauce, is very good eating.-can't well tell. My Dorothy and the cookmaid settle Their impudence confounds me. [-1 side.] Gentlemen, these things between them. I leave these kind of you are my guests, make what alterations you please. things entirely to them.
Is there any thing else you wish to retrench or alter, Mur. You do, do you ?
Mar. Item. A purk pie, a boiled rabbit and sau- has as many tricks as a hare in a thicket, or a colt sages, a florentine, a shaking pudding, and a dish of the first day's breaking. tiff-taff--tafety cream!
Hast. To me she appears sensible and silent ! Hast. Confound your made dishes ! I shall be as Tony. Ay, before company. But when she's with much at a loss in this house, as at a green and yellow her playmates she's as loud as a hog in a gate. dinner at the French ambassador's table. I'm for Hast. But there is a meek modesty aboui her that plain eating.
charms me. -Hard. I'm sorry, gentlemen, that I have nothing Tony. Yes, but curb her never so little she kicks ycu like; but if there be any thing you have a parti- up, and you're flung in the ditch. cular fancy to
Hast. Well, but you must allow her a little beauty. Mar. Why really, sir, your bill of fare is so exqui- Yes, you must allow her some beauty. site, that any one part of it is full as good as another. Tony. Bandbox ! She's all a made up thing, mun. Send us what you please. So much for supper. And Ah! could you but see Bet Bouncer of these parts, Dow to see that our beds are aired, and properly taken you might then talk of beauty. Ecod, she has two care of.
eyes as black as sloes, and cheeks as broad and reá Hard. I entreat you'll leave all that to me. You as a pulpit cushion. She'd make two of sbe. shall not stir a step.
Hast. Well, what say you to a friend that would Mar. Leave that to you! I protest, sir, you must take this bitter bargain off your hands! excuse me, I always look to these things myself.
Tony. Anon. · Hard. I must insist, sir, you'll make yourself easy Hast. Would you thank him that would take Miss on that head.
Neville, and leave you to happiness and your dear Mar. You see I'm resolved on it. -A very trou. Betsy ? blesome fellow, as ever I met with.
[Aside. Tony. Ay; but where is there such a friend, for Hard. Well, sir, I'm resolved at least to attend who would take her ? you. This may be modern modesty, but I never saw Hast. I am he. If you but assist I'll
engage any thing look so like old-fashioned impudence. to whip her off to France, and you shall never hear
(Aside. more of her.
Tony. Assist you! Ecod, I will, to the last drop of my blood. I'll clap a pair of horses to your chaise,
that shall trundle you off in a twinkling, and may be Hast. Then you're no friend to the ladies, I find, I get you a part of her fortin, beside, in jewels, that you
little dream of. my pretty young gentleman? Tony. That's as I find 'um.
Hast. My dear squire, this looks like a lad of spirit. Hast. Not to her of your mother's choosing, I dare
Tony. Cone along then, and you shall see more answer ? And yet she appears to me a pretty well of my spirit before you have done with me. tempered girl.
We are the boys
That fear no noise
Where thundering cannons roar.
[Aside. Hastings. What an idiot am I, to wait here for a Tony. I have seen her since the height of that. She fellow, who probably takes delight in mortifying me.
HASTINGS AND TONY LUMPKIN.