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Dumpling has run his bagnet into my cartridge box. For the dinner it was ordered exactly at four, Mr. Evergape, mind the word, sir-you are picking And to the hour it wanted but a minute or more. your comrade's teeth with your bagonette-fall in, Their appetites whetted with fatigues of the field, fall in. I am falled in, sir. Where? Why into the Pad- Each eager and able his knife to wield, dington Canal. Shoulder arms--O ! shame, shame, The enemy appears—and they all let loose, gentlemen, the wrong shoulder ; so you must recover Nor give a bit of quarter to turkey or goose ; arms, bravo, well disciplined. Stand at ease. I'l! So valorous were they, and so great were the feats be damned if I can stand at ease, you are so tall and That they did on the pastry, the puddings, and the I am so short, you keep tickling my ear with your pigtail. Shoulder arms--good. Prime and load That the landlord brought a bill which astonished all, better. Fire-pop, pop, pop, pop. Never heard a At so wonderful a havoc by a corps so small. better fire ; I've got twenty men in my company, Spoken.] Aye! and as I was saying, the last cam. and I heard seventeen of them fire distinctly. What's paign that I served—Where was that, colonel ! gone with the other three ?---Pop, pop, pop-there That! in Hungerfordshire, and hard service we had they are all. O my! I am so dry: I must have of it: but it was all for the king, and a man shouldn't summat to drink afore I goes into action again. Why mind having his dinner at unregular hours for the you mustn't go now, its irregular. Well
, we a'nt public good : a true patriot will deny doing nothing regulars you know. You'll be shot for a deserter. for his country. Mr. Alamode will you attack the Pho! I shall go the back way to that house over the wing of this towl ?-No, Sir, I'd rather come upon way, the Marquis of Granby's Ilead. Mr. Hucka- the Nank of that beef. Perhaps, sir, you won't reback, which is the back way to the Marquis of Gran fuse standing a little grape shot.-Not in the least, by's Ilead ? Up the nape of his neck, sir, I should sir, before I sit down opposite to the outerworks of think. To prevent mischief, gentlemen, unfix bago- this giblet pie. You are not going to leave us yet? nets. (, look at the kernal, the kernal! The gallant Yes, indeed, but I must tho'; for, being loadid, I colonel's horse, having never before smelt powder, at cannot help going off. Nonsense, man, you are the unexpected shock, released himself from his too primed yet. Silence for the colonel's toast. Well, martial rider, by throwing him----not into the arms, gentlemen, as you insist on a toast, I shall just say but on the heads of his valorous troop, who luckily this, which is that, “ May the volunteers of this had, according to command, previously unfixed bayo- parish prove the terror of the world.” Bravo. Now nets: or else his charger's next visit to the churchyard I shall go. Oh! but you must stay and hear the comight have been with the colonel : but no such loss lonel's song. O, aye, certainly, by all manner of to chivalry happened. With the exception of giving means. Well, gentlemen, I'll endeavour to sing you Bill Alum a black eye with the point of his boot, and one of my own :tearing corporal Fribble's shirt-frill with his
To die is best, ifwas in statu quo. Hollo! where's Mr. Alamode Perhaps you sing professionally, colonel.--Shame, going ? He says he won't stop any longer--he's af- shame, interruption. Mutiny, punish him. What fronted ;-he says, Mr. Sponge, the baker, fired off so I punishment shall he undergo ?-What, why he shall close to his ear, that he has singed off half his whis Eat like an alderman, and drink hezza kers, The gallant colonel was about to harangue, To the volunteer corps and reviewing day, when a shower of rain prevented his stream of oratory, Confusion to all foes—whensoe'er they attack, and threw a damp on the spirits of the day. So they For if we load our bellies, we'll never turn Right about faced, and gallop'ü away,
backs. Saas order, saus time, sans martial array;
And smile serene, like thine ; Dr. Barnard, being in conversation with Foote, The jest uncouth, or truth severe, Dr. Johnson, Sir Joshua Reynolds, and other dis To such I'll turn my deafest ear, tinguished characters, Barnard happened to say,
And calmiy drink my wine. " that he thought no man could improve when past Thou say'st, not only skill is gain'd, the age of forty-five." Upon this Dr. Johnson ob But genius too may be attain’d, served, that he (Barnard) was an instance to the
By studious imitation. contrary; for there was great room for improvement Thy temper mild, thy genius fine, in him, and he wished he would set about it. This
I'll copy till I make thee mine produced the following elegant bagatelle fro.n Dr.
By constant application. Barnard in the course of the next day; addressed
The art of pleasing teach me, Garrick; " To Sir Joshua Reynolds, and Co.”
Thou who reversest odes Pindaric
A second time read o'er.t
Oh! could we read thee backward too,
Last thirty years thou should'st review,
And charm us thirty more. But seem'd to me so just and true
If I have thoughts, and can't express 'em, That none could controvert it.
Gibbon shall teach me how to dress 'em
In terms select and terse; “ No, sir," says Johnson ; " 'tis not so .
Jones teach me modesty and Greek; That's your mistake, and I can show
Smith how to think, Burke how to speak, instance if you doubt it.
And Beauclerc to converse. You, sir, who are near forty-eight,
Let Johnson teach me how to place
In fairest light each borrow'd grace ;
From him I'll learn to write :
Copy his clear familiar style ;
And, from the roughness of his file,
Grow, like himself, polite.
DIALOGUE BETWEEN SWIFT AND HIS LANDLORD.
The three towns of Naran, Kells, and Trim,
which lay in Swift's route on his first journey to Then come, my friends, and try your skill :
Laracor, seem to have deeply arrested his attenYou can inform me, if
tion, for he has been frequently heard to speak of (My books are at a distance.)
the beautiful situation of the first, the antiquity of With you I'll live and learn, and then
the second, and the time-shaken towers of the Instead of books I shall read med ;
third. There were three inns in Navan, each ot So lend me your assistance.
which claim to this day the honour of having enDear knight of Plympton,* teach me how tertained Dr. Swift! It is probable that he dined To suffer with unruffled brow,
at one of them, for it is certain that he slept at
† Alluding to Garrick, in a whim, reading Cumberland's * Sir Joshua Reynolds.
Kells, in the house of Jonathan Belcher, a Leices- it. « "Tis but a ball bandied to and fro, and every tershire man, who had built the inn in that town man carries a racket about him to strike it from on the English model, which still exists, and, in himself among the rest of the company,'' point of capaciousness and convenience, would not
DISTINCTIONS IN FEMALE FRAILTY disgrace the first road in England. The host, whether struck by the cominanding sternness of
One Mrs. Mapp, a famous she bone-setter and Swift's appearance, or from natural civility, showed mountebank, coming to town with a coach and six him into the best room, and waited himself at horses, on the Kentish road was met by a rabble table. The attention of Belcher seems so far to of people, who, seeing her very oddly and tawdrily have won upon Swift as to have produced some dressed, took her for a foreigner, and concluded conversation. “You're an Englis!ıman, sir?" said she must be George the First's mistress. Upon this Swift. “ Yes, sir." “ What is your name?" they followed the coach, bawling out, No Hanover “ Jonathan Belcher, sir." An Englishman and
W-! No Hanover W-! The lady within the Jonathan too, in the town of Kells—who would coach was much offended, let down the glass, and have thought it! What brought you to this coun- screamed louder than any of them, she was no try?" "I came with Sir Thomas Taylor, sir; Hanover w- she was an Englista one! Upon and I believe I could reckon fifty Jonathans in my which they cried out, “ God bless your ladyship!" family." " Then you are a man of family:" quitted the pursuit, and wished her a good jour“ Yes, sir; I have four sons and three daugliters ney. by one mother, a good woman of true Irish mould.” "Have you been long out of your native coun
PRINCE EUGENE'S Tie wio. « Thirty years, sir." “Do you ever ex A whimsical circumstance occurred on Prince pect to visit it again?”
“ Never." “ Can you Eugene's going to court ; Swift gives this account say that without a sigh?” “I can, sir; my family of it: “When Mr. Secretary Št. John went to is my country!' Why, sir, you are a better conduct him, he found him in the utmost confusion philosophier than those who have written volumes imaginable: Hotřmann, the Emperor's resident, on the subject : then you are reconciled to your bad told his Highness that morning, that it was fate?" "I ought to be so; I am very happy ; I impossible for liim to go to court without a long like the people, and, though I was not born in wig, and his was a tied up one. “ How !” said the Ireland, I'll die in it, and that's the same thing." Prince; “I know not what to do, for I never had Swift paused in deep thought for near a minute, a long periwig in my life; and I have sent to all and then with much energy repeated the first line my valets and footmen to see whether any of then of the preamble of the noted Irish statute-Ipsis have one, that I might borrow it, but not one of Hibernis Hiberniores :—“ (The English) are more them has such a thing. What am I to do?" It Irish than the Irish themselves!”
was with the utmost difficulty the secretary could
convince bim it was a thing of no consequence, and SATIRE.
only observed by gentlemen-ushers. Satire, when general, being levelled at all, is never resented for an offence by any ; since every individual person makes bold to understand it of I look'd, and I sigh’d, and I wish'd I could speak, others, and very wisely removes his particular And very fain would have been at her; part of the burthen upon the sloulders of the But when I sirove most my fond passion to break, world, which are broad enough and able to bear Still then I said least of the matter.
THE LOVE-SICK SWAIN.
Of all poetry
I swore to myself, and resolv'd I would try,
A LETTER GIVING AN ACCOUNT OF A PESTILENT Some way my poor heart to recover ;
NEIGHBOUR. But that was all vain, for I sooner could die
Sir, Than live with forbearing to love her.
You must give me leave to complain of a PESTIDear Celia ! be kind then, and since your own eyes lent fellow in my neighbourhood, who is always
By looks can command adoration,
beating MORTAR, yet I cannot find that he ever
builds. In talking, he uses such hard words that I Those oglings that tell you my passion.
want a drugger-man to interpret them. But all is We'll look, and we'll love, and tho' neither should not gold that glisters. A pot he carries to most speak,
houses where he visits. He makes his 'prentice The pleasure we'll still be pursuing ;
his GALLY slave. I wish our lane were purged of And so, without words, I don't doubt we may make lim. Yet he pretends to be a cordial man. Every A very good end of this wooing.
spring his shop is crowded with country-folks ; SWIFT AND THE EGGS.
who by their leaves, in my opinion, help him to do There happened, while Swift was at Laracor, the a great deal of mischief.' He is full of SCRUPLES, sale of a farm and stock, the farmer being dead. and so very LITIGIous, that he files bills against all Swift chanced to walk past during the auction just as his acquaintance: and, though he be much troubled a pad of eggs had been put up : Roger, Swist's clerk, with the simples, yet I assure you he is a jesuitical bid for them, and was overbid by a farmer of the dog ; as you may know by his BARK. Name of Hatch. What, Roger, won't you buy the he loves the DRAM-A-TICK best. eggs?" exclaimed Swift. No, sir,” said Roger," I
I am, &c. see they are just a'GOING TO HATCH.'
ON ITS BEING OBSERVED OF A CELEBRATED PUBLIC CUCUMBER FORCING.
CUARACTER THAT THERE WAS FALSEHOOD IN HIS Lord Kelly had a very red face :
« Pray my Lord," said Foote to him, “come and look over Tluat there is falsehood in his looks, my garden wall: my cucumbers are very back
I must and will deny ; ward."
They say their master is a knave,
And sure they do not lie.
Write injuries in dust, but kindness in marble. I always knew (at least believed)
If the truth of this proverb is not to be slighted, She was a very woman : As such I lik’d, as such caress'd;
Your principles doubtless are just, She still was constant when possessid,
Your kindness to me you in marble indited, She could do more for no man.
Your injuries you wrote in the dust. But, oh! her thoughts on others ran,
swirT'S PUNNING. And that you think a hard thing;
Nothing can more strongly show Swift's fondness Perhaps she fancy'd you the man,
for puns of all sorts, than an extract from one of And what care I one farthing ?
his letters. “The Bishop of Clogher has made an You think she's false, I'm sure she's kind ; if-pun that he is mighty proud of, and designs to send I take her body, you her mind,
it over to his brother Tom : but Sir Andrew FounWho has the better bargain ?
tain has written to Tom Ashe last post, told him
EPITAPI ON JUDGE BOAT.
the pan, and desired him to send it over to the The jelly crew will do their best endeavours;
Ilere lies judge Boat within a coffin,
A Boat a judge ? yes, where's the blunder ?
And in his robes you must agree,
'Tis needless to describe him fuller, We're come to see what pastime ye can show us.
In short he was an able sculler. *
SUPERFICIAL, IGNORANT, AND LEARNED READERS.
Readers may be divided into three classes ; the Tom and Dick Topsail are above-1 hear 'em; superficial, the ignorant, and the learned : and I Tell 'em to keep a birth ; and, Sall--sit near 'em. have with much felicity fitted my pen to the genius Sall's a smart lass-1'd hold a butt of stingo and advantage of each. The superficial reader will In three weeks time she'd learn the playhouse lingo. be strangely provoked to laughter ; which clears She loves your plays, she umlerstands their meaning : the breast and the lungs, is sovereign against the She calls 'em-Moral rules made entertaining. spleen, and the most innocent of all diuretics. The Your Shakspeare books, she knows 'em to a little; ignorant reader, between whom and the former the And I myself (at sea) have read-a little.
distinction is extremely nice, will find binıself disAt London, sirs! when Sall and I were courting, posed to stare, which is an admirable remedy for I tow'd her ev'ry night a playhouse sporting. ill eyes, serves to raise and enliven the spirits, Alass ! I could like 'em and their whole 'paratus, and wonderfully helps perspiration. But the reader But for their fiddlers and their damn'd sonatas. truly learned, chiefly for wliose benefit I wake Give me the merry sons of guts and rosin,
when others sleep, and sleep when others wake, That play.--"God save the king,” and “ Nancy will here find sufficient matter to employ his speDawson.”
culations for the rest of his life. Well—tho' the frigate's not so much bedizen'd,
[Looking about. 'Tis snug enough!--'tis clever for the size on't,
A member of parliament applied to the post-office, And they can treat with all that's worth regarding
to know why some of his franks had been charger ? On board the Drury-Lane or Common-garden.
The answer was: “We supposed, sir, they were not Bell rings.] Avasi!-a signal for the launch, 1 of your writing. The haul is not the same." Why, fancy ;
not precistly the same; but the truth is, I happened What say you, Sain, and Dick, and Doll, and to be a little tipsy when I wrote them.” “Then, sir,
you be so good, in future, to write drunk, when Since they have trimm'd the pleasure-barợe so you make free.” tightly,
* Qu. Whether ‘he author meant scholar, and wilfully Shan't you, and I, and Sall, come see them nightly? mistook.
TIE TIPSY MEMBER.