My fate, however, was otherwise determined, for the | child, in a fit of frowardness and anger, dashed the spoon out of the hand of the nurse; and after incredible fatigue I recovered the station to which I had descended from the doctor's wig. "I was once more congratulating myself on an escape almost miraculous, when I was alarmed by the appearance of a barber, with all the dreadful apparatus of his trade. I soon found that the person whose head I had chosen for an asylum was become delirious, and that the hair was by the physician's order to be removed for a blister. Here my courage totally failed, and all my hopes forsook me. It happened, however, that though I was entangled in the suds, yet I was deposited unhurt upon the operator's shaving cloth; from whence as he was shaving you this night, I gained your shoulder, and have this moment crawled out from the plaits of your stock, which you have just taken off and laid upon this table. Whether this event be fortunate or unfortunate, time only can discover: but I still hope to find some dwelling where no comb shall ever enter, and no nails shall ever scratch; which neither pincers nor razor shall approach; where I shall pass the remainder of my life in perfect security and repose, amidst the smiles of society, and the profusion of plenty." PROLOGUE TO THE RIVALS. Att. And if the fee offends, your wrath should fall On me.-Serj. Dear Dibble, no offence at all. Serj. And fifty sons of Phoebus in the Fleet! Serj. Full-bottom'd heroes, thus, on signs, unfurl show it [Erit. Me, Serjeant Woodward-counsel for the poet. No tricking here, to blunt the edge of law, Yet when so kind you seem, 'tis past dispute Enter Serjeant at Law, and Attorney following, I think never fac'd a milder jury! and giving a Paper. Sad else our plight!-where frowns are transporta- A hiss the gallows-and a groan damnation! SHERIDAN LONDON NEWSPAPERS. You all must agree, that the world's epitome, In the coffee-room met, what a grave looking set, Hanging dying weddings trying, And in business who wins and who loses. " [Spoken.] "Waiter, bring an evening paper." "Not come in yet, sir." Indeed! it's very late.". "Yes, sir; all owing to the debate last night. The Day didn't come in till almost night; and don't expect the Evening Star till morning. Here comes the man with the Globe on his back, and the World in his pocket." "Waiter! what's this?" "The Sun, sir." "Why, it's wet." "Yes, sir." 'Oh, yes; I remember we had a wet sun all last year, we don't want another. Waiter! bring me a candle." “What for?” “To see the sun with." "Why can't you see the sun without a candle ?-in our country they can." "Pray, sir, have you done with that there paper?" "No, sir; but you may have this here paper." "Waiter! bring me the Statesman." It's on the other side, sir." "Then bring me the Post or Courier." "They are both on the same side, sir." "Will you tell that gentleman who is spelling the advertisements, that he cannot oblige the company more, than by setting the British Press at liberty?" "Will you give your Press for a Post, sir?" "No, sir; but I'll give my Statesman for an Independent Whig." beg pardon, sir; but I have just given the wig to that gentleman with the bald head." " "Waiter!" "Sir." Why, the file of the Englishman is imperfect." "Yes, sir; we have lately sent a great many into France." "Oh, that accounts for it." "This Statesman is abominably dirty and worn,—bring me another.", "We hav'nt got another, sir." "Send and buy one,-there's plenty of Statesmen to be bought." &c. Keep it up, that's the way, all agog every day,, In country, like town, from the peer to the clown Hear the horn's twanging sound to the village resound; And in business who wins and who loses. [Spoken.] "Waiter, ask that gentleman to read pro bono." "You'll excuse me, sir; but we don't take that in." 'Landlord, will you have the goodness to read that paper out?" "I beg your pardon, but I can't read very well at first sight, on account of the stops." "Ax Mr. Boxall, the undertaker, if he'll read." "No sir: I begs leave to object to that,-he always begins with the deaths, and that is something so professional.-Perhaps Mr. Parchment, the solicitor, will, or show cause why he refuses." "Why, sir, I have no objections; and as I hate every thing professional, I'll try if I can amuse you. What's this? Oh, Watkins versus Wilkins. This was an action for the recovery of £2. 14s. 93." "Now didn't I tell you he would begin with something professional. We don't want law, do we, doctor?" "No, sir; I think the most amusing part of the paper is the accidents. Let me see.-On Thursday last, as a poor labouring man was at work on the top of a ladder in Spring Gardens, he was, by a sudden gust of wind, blown as far as Charing Cross ;-he fell at the door of Bish's lucky lottery office, where tickets and shares are selling."- Pooh, pooh, it's only a lottery puff. I hate all puffs;-don't you, Mr. Pastry-cook?" "No, sir; I don't dislike any body's puffs. Live and let live-that's my motto." "Well, sir, as you have put down the papers, I'll try if I can't amuse you." "Beware of puffs." "Oh, you have no need to tell | Never intrudes not no nowhere-what do you laugh me that, sir; for I think I smell a puff, the moment I at Laughs.)--How dare you laugh at me!— take a paper in my hand. No, no, I'm not to be What a fool a man is to laugh, when he don't know had. No, no, I think I know a little too much for what may happen to him the next minute.--Well, that. Let me see.-Oh! St. Helena! Ay, now here good night-good night-wish you all a sound sleepis something good; this can't be a puff-St. Helena. I'll go to bed--I'll go to bed.--If any body has any An officer who has just arrived from this island re-objection-I hope he'll say so.-Don't mean to offer ports the following curious circumstance: That the not no gentleman.-Where's the papers?-Hollo! I ci-devant emperor declares it is his fixed determination, want the newspapers-(takes up a puper) —Now I'l in opposition to the advice of his faithful followers, to go-I see the door very well.-Gentlemen, don't use no other than Turner's blacking, to be had No.-think I'm drunk-No, I'm not drunk.—I can walk— | &c. So keep it up every day, all agog, that's the way, We read every day and grow wiser, Examination-Botheration, very well, and I can hic-up-very well.—Well, I'n, not drunk, I'm not drunk.--I see the door,-that's it, there it is.-Betty chambermaid,—get me a candle.I'm going to bed.-Betty!-girl!--that's the oddest wench --she goes forty times a day up stairs, art never comes down again.--Good night,-good night,” &c. &c. "I say, sir, do you ever read the papen Cross-ways?" " Always, sir, from one end of the line to the other."-"I don't mean that." "What d you mean?" I mean from one side of the paper t the other."- "No, sir! I always read from top t bottom." Pooh, pech, nonsense; I mean cross readings."- "You'll make me very cross if you go o so. "Only allow me, sir, you shall hear. Las night, a young gentleman made his first appearance in the arducus character of Hamlet-and performed And in business who wins and who loses. it with great ease in less than fifteen minutes. Los (Horn.) Gazette Extraordinary. (Horn.) Second a lady's lap dog; answers to the name of Pompeyedition. Let me see, here must be something good—| if he will return to his disconsolate parents, he w We stop the press to announce, that if intelligence of, be kindly received. A beautiful spotted cow is new any important victory should reach us in the course of exhibiting as Exeter- for the benefit of herself and her the afternoou, we shall publish it in the third edition. six motherle s children. An overdrove ox ran down (Horn.) Third edition of the Gazette Extraordinary. Flett-street, and entered the dwelling house of-Mr. Ay, ay, now for it--let's see---here it is.-We stop Bily's glass manufactory, where he did considerable the press-I beg you wont press on one so much, sir. damare; dus notice will be given of his second ap We stop the press to announce, that nothing new has pearance. Wants a place as a greoin, a young nat arrived since our last.-Great intelligence indeed-of respectability, who can give an unexceptionable certainly very pleasant. (Imitates a drunken man) "Waiter! waiter-where the devil are you allI want to have a peep at the papers- how d'ye do ?-—-—how dye do --No offence I hope; if intrude, fattempts to fight hi pipe at the candle. character; letters post paid, will find him-double ironed in Newgate, for horse-stealing. Last week the cat of Lady Dimbledon produced at a birth-nine regiments of soldiers ready for crebarkation. An illlooking fellow was lately taken into custody, and ear THE LAUGHING PHILOSOPHER. ried to Bow-street, on suspicion of several robberies lately committed.-On searching his pockets, they were found to contain-six-chaldrons of coals, two waggons, and five fine horses. Lost, a lady's reticule, its contents were-a chest of mahogany drawers, and a, gridiron. Married at Leeds, Josiah Jones, Esq. to Miss Isabella Jenkins of that place-be seem'd fully resigned to his fate.--The minister pronounced the awful sentence of the law on the unhappy wretch; he was a good-looking young man, about five and twenty years of age, and in all other respects, behaved himself with becoming propriety. Thus keep it up, that's the way, all agog every day, To know who wins, and who loses. THE PRESENT AGE. No more, my friends, of vain applause, And, what they make them once believe, For they are great, and I'm but small, Or from the court accepts a sep, No soaking sot his spouse neglects, No banker, slave to Mammon's will, Or, if there are,-no men are found, See spies, informers, jugglers, liars, And statesmen, now grown self-deniers, So void of wants and crimes; All zealous for the public good: Oh! these are glorious times! "Your character," with wondrous stare, Says Tom," is mighty high, sir; if I swear But pray forgive me, I think 'tis all a lie, sir." "Ha! think you so, my honest clown? Then take another sight on't! Just turn the picture upside down, "" very common amusement in this country; and I find -" Pray, sir, don't put yourself in such that, during the performance of these martial exer- fluster."- -"I tell you I am not in a fluster."-6 cises, the spectators were frequently entertained with say, sir, you are. For shame! How can you thres! a sort of cheese, which, from the occasion on which yourself in such a passion ?"-"I in a passion it was made, was called Tilting, and by corruption Yes, sir, you are."-" "Tis false !"- 'Tis true Tilton cheese. Mr. Theobald's emendation, therefore, Madam, 'tis no such thing."- S'death, do y as needless and truly absurd, ought by all means to think I'll submit to such provoking language?"be rejected. Warburton. You shall submit."-"I shan't."--" I'll mase The emendation, in my opinion, is not more absurd you."- "You can't."- "By heavens, madam than the remark which the learned annotator has By heavens, sir!"- Hold your tongue, Asi made upon it. There is, indeed, a stupid error in Chose."-"I won't, Mr. Chose."-The some of the old copies. But discordant opinions are ranted, the more she raved; till at last, trying not always nugatory, and by much agitation the truth outdo each other in provocation, the contention r is elicited. I think Mr. Theobald's alteration right..so high, that Mr. Chose declared he would not lo with Mrs. Chose an hour longer; and Mrs. Chee declared she would not sleep another night bene the same roof. Johnson. Stilton is a village in Huntingdonshire, on the great North road. Tilton, though not so well known, is a village in Leicestershire. In an old collection of songs, black letter, no date, we read "Tilton's homely fare," which all critics will allow can only mean cheese. In an old MS. of which I remember neither the date nor the title, Tilton is said to abound in rich pasturage; both which circumstances make it highly probable, that our author wrote, not as Mr. Theobald supposes, Stilton, but Tilton; though I confess the passage is not without difficulty. Steevens. THE FIRE-IRONS. Mr. Chose was gravely reading the original Hasen Slawkenbergius at one side of the fire, and Mrs. Chose sat darning old worsted stockings at the other. By some untoward accident, the fire-irons were all on Mrs. Chose's side. "My dear," said Mr. Chose, "how miserable it makes me to gaze on any thing that looks ununiform: be kind enough, my dear, to let me have the poker on my side."-Mrs. Chose, who was busy taking a long stitch at the time, replied, "I'll give it you presently, my love." Nay, prithee put me out of pain at once; 'tis absolutely quite distressing to my eye-the fire-place looks like a pig with one ear.' "One fiddlestick! How can you so excessive whimsical ?"-"How do you mean whimsical?" "Lord, man! don't be so plaguy fidgetty!""No, madam, I am no such thing - be more # "Madam," said the husband, "'tis tine that * should part." With all my heart," said the wik Agreed!" said he. Agreed!" echo'd she. lawyer was absolutely sent for, to draw up the art cles of separation; but being a "mirabile dictu!": peace-loving, strife-quelling sort of man, he begge to hear the particulars that led them to come to s a harsh conclusion. He was ordered to proceed business, but obstinately persevered in his refusa Addressing himself to the husband, he said, "A you both fully agreed upon a separation ?" yes!" exclaimed both parties. "Well, sir, what are your reasons for so deing" Sir, I can't inform you."- Madam, will you so kind as to acquaint me?"-" Indeed, sir, 1 ca not.""If that is the case," said the peace-loving lawyer, "I venture to pronounce your quarrel h originated in something so frivolous, that you are be that be at length extorted the truth; nor did he d ashamed to own it." He urged the point so closej, sist from his friendly interference, until he had t satisfaction to reestablish the most perfect harmon Warned by his friendly admonitions, this wedde. couple grew more circumspect in their words, les aggravating in their manners, and, in short, quite le off wrangling, and lived happy. |