Pagina-afbeeldingen
PDF
ePub

now," said he,“ What times are these, when beg-coach overturned, and asking what the maiter gars must be choosers! I say, bring this fellow a was, he was told that three or four members of mug of strong beer."

parliament were overturned in that coachi.

in Oh," says he, - there Ict them be, my father PROOF OF AUTHORITY.

always advised me not to meddle with state alA gentleman speaking to his servant, said, “ Ifairs." believe I command inore than any man; for before

ROAD TO HEAVEN. my servant will obey me in any thing, I must command him ten times over.”

A charitable divinr, for the benefit of the A COWARD'S WOUNDS.

country where he resided, commenced a large

causeway, and as he was one day overlooking the A soldier was boasting before Julius Cæsar of work, a certain nobleman passed by, “Well, the wounds he had received in his face ; Cæsar doctor,” said he, “ notwithstanding your pains knowing him to be a coward, told him he had best and charity, I don't take this to be the highway take care the next time he ran away, how he look to heaven.”—“ Very true, my lord,” replied the ed back.

doctor, " for if it had, I should have wondered lo

meet your lordship here." BAD COMPANY.

PAIR OF SPECTACLES, A profligate young nobleman being in company vith some sober people, desired leave to coast Two brothers were to be executed for some the devil; the gentleman who sat next to him enormous crime, the eldest was turned off first, said, “ he had no objection to any of his lordship’s without speaking ; the other, mounting the ladder, friends."

began to harangue the crowd, “ Good people, DISCRIMINATIVE EPITHETS.

said he,“ my brother hangs before my face, and A Scotchman was very angry with an English a few moments i shall be turned off'too, and then

you see what a lamentable spectacle he makes; in gentleman, who he said had abused him, and you will see a pair of spectacles." called him false Scot. " Indeed," said the Englishman, “ I said no such thing, but that you were

INSOLVENCY. a true Scot."

A person enquiring what became of a friend ? DANGEROUS SYMPTOMS.

“ Oh, dear,” said one of the company, poor · The deputies of Rochelle attending to speak fellow, he died insolvent, and wing buried by the

“ Died insolvent !" cries another, with henry the Fourth of France, met with a phy. parish.”. sician who had renounced the Protestant religion,

*s that's a lie, for he died in England, I am sure, and embraced the popish communion, whom they I was at his burying.” begato revile most grievously. The king hear.

PARTNERSHIP. ing of it, told the deputies, he advised thero to change their religion too. “ For it is a dangerous

A countryman having bought a barn in partnersymptom,” said be, “ that your religion is not ship with a neighbour, neglected to make the long-lived, when a physician has given it over." least use of it, whilst the other had plentifully

stored his with corn and bay. In a little time PARLIAMENTARY BUSINESS.

the latter came to him and expostulated with him A countryman passing along the Strand, sair about laying out his money so fruitlessly,

D5

“ Pray,

neighbour," says he,“ never trouble your head, or they have furnished exampics of hair-brained you may do what you will with your part of the prowess, which I have neither ihe opportunity nor barn, but I will set mine on fire."

the inclinatiou to follow. But oid Jack Falstafi!

kind Jaek Falstaff! sweet Jack Falstaff has en. THE BOAR'S HEAD TAVERN,

larged the boundaries of human enjoyment; he As I honour all established usages of my bre. has added vast regions of wit and good humour, thren of the quill, I thought it but proper to con- in which the poorest man may revel; and lias betribute my mite of hoinage to the inemory of queated a neyer-failing inheritance of jolly lauglıShakspeare, our illustrious bard. I was for some ter, to make mankind merrier to the latest postetime, however, sorely puzzled in what way I should rity. discharge this duty. I found myself anticipated A thought suddenly struck me; “ I will make in every attempt at a new reading. Every doubt- a pilgrimage to Eastcheap,” said I, closing the ful line had been explained a dozen different ways, book," and see if the old Boar's Head Tavern still and perplexed beyond the reach of elucidation; exists. Who knows but I may light upon some and, as to fine passages, they had been amply legendary traces of Dame Quickly and her guests ; praised by previous admirers ; nay, so completely at any rate, there will be a kindred pleasure in had the bard of late been overlarded with pane- ireading the halls once vocal with their mirth, to fyric by a great German critic, that it was diffi- that the toper enjoys in smelling the empty cask cult now to find even a fault that had not been once filled with generous wine." argued into a beauty.

The resolution was no sooner formed than put In this perplexity, I was one morning turning in execution. I forbear to treat of the various adover his pages, when I casnally opened upon the ventures and wonders I encountered in my travels ; comic scenes of Henry 1V., and was, in a moment, of the haunted regions of Cock-lane; of the faded completely lost in the madcap revelry of the Boar's glories of Little Britain and the parts adjacent; Head Tavero. So vividly and naturally are these what perils I ran at Catenton-street and old Jewscenes of humour depicted, and with such force ry; of the renowned Guildhall and its two stunted and consistency are the chiaracters sustained, that giants, the priile and wonder of the city, and the they become mingled up in the mind with the facts terror of all unlucky urchins; and how I visited and personages of real life. To few readers does London Stope, and struck my staff upon it, in imi. it occur, that these are all ideal creations of a poet's tation of that arch-rebel, Jack Cade. Let it suffice brain, and that, in sober truth, no such knot of to say, that I at length arrived in ır.erry Eastcheap, merry roysters ever enlivened the dull neighbour. that ancient region of wit and wassail, where the hood of Eastcheap.

very names of the streets relished of good cheer, For my part, I love to give myself up to the as Pudding-lane bears testimony even at the preillusions of poetry. A hero of fiction, that never sent day. For Eastcheap, says old Stow,“ was existed, is just as valuable to me as a hero of his always famous for its convivial doings. The cookes tory that existed a thousand years since; and, if I cried hot ribbes of beef rosted, pies well baked, may be excused such an insensibility to the coin- and other victvels; there was clattering, of pewter mon ties of human nature, I would not give up pots, harpe, pipe, and sawtrie.” Alas! how sadly fat Jack for half the great men of ancient chroni- is the scene changed since the roaring days of Fals cle. What have the heroes of yore done for me, stafi' and old Stow! the madcap royster has given or men like me? They have conquered countries, place to the plodding tradesman ; the clattering of which I do not enjoy an acre; or they have of pots, and the sound of " harpeand sawtrie,”10 gained laurels of which I do not inherit a leaf; the din of carts and the accursed dinging of the

1

4

[ocr errors]

dust man's bell; and no song is heard, save, haply,

TOWN TALK the strain of some syren from Billingsgate, chaunting the eulogy of deceased mackarel.

King Charles II. being in company with Lord i sought in vain for the ancient dwelling of the jester, came in.

Rochester and others of the nobility, Killigrew, Dame Quickly. The only relic of it is a boar's shall hear of our faults.”_-" No, faithi,” said Kil

Now," said the king, head, carved in relief, in stone, which formerly Tigrew, “I don't care to trouble my head willa served as the sign; but, at present, is built into the that which all the town talks of.” parting line of two houses, which stand on the site of the renowned old taxern.

JEFFERIES AND THE WITNESS.
WASHINGTON IRVING,

When Lord Jefferies, before he was a judge,
THE ACCOMMODATING BARBER.

was one day pleading at the bar, he called out to

a witness against his client, “ Hark! you fellow Said a fop to a boy, at a barber's one day,

in the leathern doublet, what have you for swearTo make a display of his wit,

ing?" To which the witness replied, “Faith, sir, “My lad, did you e'er shave a monkey, I pray? if you have no more for lying, than I have for For you scem for nought else to be fit."

swearing, you might e'en wear a leathern doublet “I never did yet,” said the boy, " I confess;

too." Shave a monkey, indeed, no not I;

CONSCIENCE.
It is out of my line ; but, sir, nevertheless,
If you please to sit down I will try.”

Judge Jefferies one day told an old fellow with

a long beard, that he supposed he had a conscience MAKING SHIFTS.

as long as his beard. Does your lordship,'' reA young lady married a very wild spark, who plied the old man," measure consciences by beards? 5000 ran through a fortune, and was reduced to If so, your lordship has none at all." some straights. One day she said to her husband, TO THE AUTHOR OF AN EPITAPH ON DR. MEAN, “My dear, I want some shifts sadly." madam," replied he, “how can that be, when we

Mead's not dead then, you say, only sleeping a

little ; bake so many every day.'

Why, egad! sir, you've hit it off there to a little ; THE SEVEN BISHOPS.

Yet, friend, his awaking I very much doust, When the Prince of Orange came over at the Pluto knows who he's got, and will ne'er let him time of the Revolution, five of the seven bishops that were sent to the Tower declared for his highDess, and the two others would not come into

A nobleman one day asked a bishop, why lic measures ; upon which Mr, Dryden said, “ That conferred orders on so many blockheads ? «Oh, the seven golden candlesticks were sent to be assayed in the Tower, and five of them proved to be my lord," said he, “it is better the ground should

be ploughed by 2956's than lie quite untilled.” prince's metal."

DOWNHILL JOURNEY ON THE MARRIAGE OF MISS LITTLE.

A gentleman lying on his death-bed, called his A Lady remarkably short in slature,

coachman, who had been an old servant, and said, Thrice happy Tox-I think him so;

Ali, Tom, I am going a long and rugged jourFor mark the poet's song:

ney, worse than ever you drove me,''" Oh, dear " Man wanis but little here helow,

sir," replied the fellow,"let not that discourage Nor wants that little long."

you, it is all down hill."

"Z" D-me,

out.

CLERICAL WISDOM.

HORSE AND ASS

“What is the reason that you use me thus?

I lov'd you ever, but 'tis no matter ; A justice of the peace seeing a parson on a Let Hercules himself do what he may, stately horse, between London and Hampsiead, The cat will mew, the dog will have his day." ** Doctor," said he, you don't follow the ex

Stimulated by a desire to excel, he entered so ample of your great Master, who was humbly much into the quarrel, as to throw hin out of the content to ride upon an ass."'--" Why reilly, words, and he spoke it thus-" I lov'd you eversir,” replied the parson, “the king has made so

but it is no matter--let Hercules himself do what inany asses justices, that an honest clergyman can he may—the dog will mew-ov that is the cathardly find onc to ride."

the cat will, do the dog will mew—10 that's

wrong—the cat will bark -no that's the dog-the HOPES AND FEARS.

dog will mew--no that's the cat-the cat will no On his death-bed poor Simon lies,

the dog--the cat - the dog - Pshaw! Pho! its His speuse is in despair,

soirething about mewing and barking, but as I With frequent sobs, and mutual cries, hope to be saved, ladies and gentlemen, ! know They both express their care.

nothing more about it." A diff'rent cause, says parson Sly,

INEXPERIENCE.
The same effect may give ;
Poor Simon fears that he shall die,

A certain citizen, who had suddenly risen into
His wife-that he may live.

wealth, from a very low condition of life, standing

up in the pit of the opera one evening, with his USURY.

hat on, a lady whispered to another,

forgive that man, he has been so little used to A village parson in his sermon one day; vehe- the luxury of a hat, that he does not know when mently inveighed against usury, and said, that

to pull it off.” lending money upon interest was as great a sin as wilful inurder. Soon after this he had occasion ON THE DEATH OF A LADY'S CAT. to borrow tweniy pounds himself, and coming to one of his parishioners with that intent, the other And is Miss Tabby from the world retir'd ? asked him, “if he would have him guilty of a And are her lives, all her nine lives expir'd ? crime he spoke so much against, and lend out what sounds so moving, as her own can tell money upon use ?”—“ No," said the parson, “ I Row Tabby dy'd, how full of play she fell! would bave you lend it gratis."' Ay," replied Begin, ye luneful nine, a mournful serife, the other, “ but in my opinion, if lending money And ev'ry muse shall celebrate a life. upon use be as bad as uiliul murder, lending it gratis can be little better than felv-de-se."

THE HOLY FISHERMAN.
Foote's EARLY PERFORMANCES.

A certain cardinal had uniformly a net placed

upon his table at dinner, in token of huinility, In the early part of Foote's career, he played and allusive to the trade of his father, who had the part of Hamlet at Bath, for his own benefit, been a fisherinan. As soon as the cardinal arHe went through the part tolerably well in the rived at the Pontificate, this ceremony was dis. comical way, until he came to the last act and continued; on being asked the reason,

“ his in the scene where he quarrels with Lacrtes holiness replied, • that the fish was now caught."

we must

PHILOSOPHY

THE BETTER JUDGE.

BARRY, THE PAINTER. In an engagement at sea a sailor hoisted on his Although this artist could paint portraits, yet back one of his comrades, who had been pro- he had a great antipathy to the employment. The nounced dead by the doctor, to heave him over. Duke of Norfolk going to his house, with a desire board. The supposed dead man, however, spoke, of engaging him to paint his portrait, inet a man and asked where he was bearing him. " To coming down the stairs with iwo pails of whiteDavy Jones's Jocker," said the sailor. I am wash. The duke, taking him for a bricklayer's not dead, messmate," replied the other. “ You labourer, asked him if Mr. Barry was withio? are a lying rascal for your pains,” replied the “ I am Mr. Barry,” replied the other, bluntly. sailor, " the doctor said you were dead! How, His grace, recovering from his surprise, explained can you know better than the doctor?"

the object of his visit. “ Not I," said the artist,

go to that fellow in Cavendish-square, (meaning LAUDABLE DECEPTION.

Romney) he'll paint your face for you.”
Just before the appearance of the latter half of
Johnson's Poets, a gentleman said to him, “ So,
doctor, a gentleman at the bar writes Young's life

A German professor had collected a valuable for you.”—“ Yes, sir,” said Johnson, it is true, cabinet of curiosities, which he highly prized, and I thought be would have done it very well; one morning a friend came to tell him a very unbut the regue has deceived me sadly, sir; he has pleasant circumstance, that lre had seen a man get done it a good deal better than I thought he was by a ladder into a window of the Professor's house. capable of doing it,"

“Into which window?” cried the philosopher.

“I am sorry to say,” replied his friend, " it was INNUMERABILIA,

your daughter's.”—“O man,” said the other, Can you count the silver lights,

you almost frightened me! I thought it bad That deck the skies, and cheer the nights ;

been into my cabinet." Or the leaves that strew the vales,

DEAN swift's CURATE. When groves are stript by winter gales ;

I march'd three iniles thro' scorching sand, Or the drops that in the inorn

With zeal in heart, and notes in hand; Hang with transparent pearl the thorn ;

I rode four more to greet St. Mary ; Or bridegroom's joys, or miser's cares,

Using four legs, when two were weary. Or gamnester's oaths, or her it's prayers

To three fair virgins I did tie men, Or envy's pangs, or love's alarms,

In the close bands of pleasing Hymen;
Or Marlbro's acts, or Molly's charms ?

I dipt two babes in holy water,
PARLIAMENTARY QUALIFICATIONS.

And purify'd their mothers after.

Within an hour and eke an half, When the friends of the youngest Thelluson pro I preach'd three congregations deaf, posed making him a member of parliament, he Which, thund'ring out with lungs loog-winded, said, “ he did not understand exactly what it was I chopt so fast, that few there minded. to be in parliament, or what they meant by con My emblem the laborious sun, stituents in the country; but, if there was any Saw all these mighty labours done, vecessity to go backwards and forwards for their Before one race of his was run. orders, he could trot down as fast as any member All this perform'd by Robert Hewitt ; of parliament in the kingdom.

What mortal else cou'd e'er go through it?

« VorigeDoorgaan »