would regulate your cravat, valuing himself on his | Tickling a parson's nose as 'a lies asleep, menial dexterity I never shall forget meeting my rascal,-I mean the fellow who officiated for me,-in London last winter, I think I see him now,-in a waistcoat that had been mine,-smirking along as if he knew me In some parts of Germany, that fellow's office is by law declared infamous, and his posterity incapable of being ennobled. They have hereditary hangmen, or had at least, in the same manner as they had hereditary other great officers of state; and the hangmen's families of two adjoining parishes intermarried with each other, to keep the breed entire. I wish something of the same kind were established in England. QUEEN MAB. She is the fairies' midwife; and she comes Her waggon-spokes made of long spinners' legs; Then dreams he of another benefice: EPITAPH ON A COUNTRY INN-KEEPER. Heu! hark ye, old friend! what, wilt pass, thea without Taking notice of honest plump Jack? And I'm now put to bed in the dark and the cold, But now, wilt oblige me? then call for a quart TURKISH HARAM. The Turks do well to shut-at least, sometimes- Is not a thing of that astringent quality, MARKET DAY. A market's the circle for frolic and glee If the joker or queer one would fain learn a | This is the place where we joke, laugh, and quiz, place, And so you should know e'er you lark it; Where they would wish for a morning to lark So it; They need go no farther than just show their face, the next time, my covey, you here show your phiz, Be up to the rigs of the market. But those who would fain make the voyage of fun In that region of mirth, a large market. Spoken.] Do you want 'are a basket woman, your honour? No, no; I declare I've been so pestered by women. Have you! by Jasus, I did not think they had such bad taste. Oh, dear oh!-What's the matter my dear?-I've sat down upon a lump of butter. Here make room for this here gentleman through them 'are sacks of potatoes. Buy a leefe, buy a leefe. Where are you shoving? beg your pardon, sir; but you have put your wet umbrella in my waistcoat Spoken.] What d'ye buy, what d'ye buy. Matches! pocket. Sir, I am very sorry, but it must remain buy a ha'porth of matches; hav'nt tasted food these there for the present; the market is so full I cannot sixteen days. Now, ma'am what will you buy?move.-Well, I never received such himperence in Why, Mr. Butcher, what may be that bosom of pok all my life. Then I think you've given more to the a pound?-What! the belly part you mean, ma'am; world than has been returned to you. Yes, ma'm, and vy the belly-No; I mean the stomach, the-Nonthat boy has taken more than he'll return to you. sense ma'am, do you think me a butcher, and a marOh! the little miscreant; he has stolen my reticule; ried man, don't know the belly from the stomac catch him; there he goes; I have it-Oh! don't Now, sir, what are you looking for?-Why I am open it, there's all my cards fallen out, and-Cards looking for a calf's head-I'll fetch you a glass, sir. ma'am, they appear to be cards of your uncle's.--I don't wish any reflections. Pray, what fish are those Indeed! sir, it's nothing to you-No ma'am I see it's to a flannel petticoat. Do you want any peas, sir; or any gooseberry-fool? I say, Jack, twig that covey, he's just put a pottle of raspberries in his pocket.so. Has he; come along Bill, a good squeeze and it's raspberry jam. Do you want any cowcumbers, ma'am?-No; don't annoy me.-Or any turnips, ma'am !-Turnips! no, she has just had them from her last place. Here's your flowers; here's your beauties. Dear me, how delightful; I declare I shall come here every morning and steal some odoriferous. I tell you vot my young'un if you steal any thing here, it will be a hartichoke.-What do you mean you dem rascal?-Mean! why I mean that I've stood here twenty years, and now I'm able to sit down, and do you knock me down if you can, so take that; there's a rum'un-I'll indict you. --Pho! don't talk to me, because you see smelts, ma'am.-Aye, I thought they were rather high.-O ma! I am so frightened.-What at, my love ?-Why that great cod fish fixes his eyes on me La ma look at those lobsters; they have got a mouth in every hand; what a droll colour they are, ma; they are all black. Yes, my dear, they are finer and more uncommon than the red ones. Look at that dog, he has taken that tongue out of the basket. No Yes, he has. James, why don't you run after him. Yes, ma'am; which way shall I-I say, Marrowbone, that 'ere cove has boned a mutton chop. I, sir! its a lie sir. There, you lie in the gutter. A foul blow. No. There goes the dog that run away with the tongue. Where? There. I don't see him. Pray sir, have you met a dog with a tongue in his mouth? Here's a noise! A noise, to be sure !-Don't you know where this is? No, where? Where why Where confusion and mobbing and chaff Pass on as we merrily lark it; So if you e'er want a good squeezing and laugh Come on a full day to the market. When the priest A MAD WEDDING. Should ask-if Katharine should be his wife, and swore, As if the vicar meant to cozen him. He calls for wine :-A health, quoth he; as if But that his beard grew thin and hungerly, DRUNKENNESS AND ITS ENJOYMENTS. Man, being reasonable, must get drunk ; Some hock and soda-water, then you'll know For not the blest sherbet, sublimed with snow Nor the first sparkle of the desert-spring, COCKNEY SPORTSMEN. On the first of September last crossing Kenningtoncommon I met two cockney sportsmen, dressed out in "Hollo !" proper style for the sports of the day. my good fellow," said I, "have the kindness to turn the muzzle of your gun the other way, don't you see it's on full cock?" "Vy to be sure it should, an't that 'ere the vay to carry one's gun?" "Why, no; not the way you ought to carry it. Don't you see the danger of it going off?" "No, I can't say as how I do; keep it so on purpose." The devil you do, why?" " Why? that's a good one, only look here: now. don't you see if this here flint should hit that there thing, it will strike fire; and then the fire as comes from this here place, goes into that there place, and among this powder, and that makes the "Vell then, gun go off." To be sure it does." " the further off this flint is from that there iron, an't there less danger of hitting it?" Pray, sir," said the other, "might I make so bold as to ask an't a jackdaw fair game?" “ Umph! not exactly, unless you could contrive to make the jackdaw white." "I say, Billy, that 'ere's a funny chapthat's what I calls a good joke." "Vhat a jack hass you must be to ax the gemmen such a question." "Vy not such a jack hass as you was to shoot a jack hass instead of an 'are." "6 Aye, but that vere all haccident, for you know I never could see wery vell since I burned my heyes on the last first of September." "Indeed! how came that to pass?" All owing to the flash going in my face. I'll tell you how it vas; you must know, sir, that on the last first of September, Billy Stitch, the tailor, and I, veut out that day in the morning, to have some sport; so as we were a passing by the Surry theatre, some chaps says, there goes two cockneys; so I turns round to Billy, Billy, says I, I've a great mind, says I, to go and lik'em, says I. So says Bill to me, says he, you had better, says he, let them 'ere chaps alone, says THE FIRST OF SEPTEMBER; OR COCKNEY he, and let's go on, says he. So avay ve comes, and, shoot, says I. I don't care if you do, says she. Vhy then they says, there goes two cockneys; so ve left you'll be shot, says I. No danger, says she. I'm a 'em; and vhen ve comes to the other side of the vater. going to shoot just vhere you are, says I. Ay, that's No, that can't be; for this is the other-that is, the the wery reason I'm safe, says she. Now, sir, war'at other side is this and this is the other, and-No, that's that wery prowoking?" "Very much so indeed, said not it neither let me see-umph-umph!-that's I, but pray why is your dog tied up so?" seeing hi wery strange-an't it. You know ve vere on the leading it by his pocket handkerchief, which he had other side, that is, ve-ay, ve vere on this side then-tied round his neck. "Would not you find him of No-that is, the other side vas then on this side, and great use?" "Lord love you, sir, he's a wery good ve vere on the other, and-No, that's not it yet-but dog in his own vay, if you keep him at home, bet it don't signify. Ve vere first on the other side, and he's of no use at all out. Whenever he comes to the vhen ve vhere on the other side, ve vere on this and field, he runs about, and baiks so that he frightens then ve vere on the " "s Ha, ha, ha! was there all the birds-then he stops short just over a whole ever any thing so puzlifying, as not to be able to find flock of them, and they all fly avay before I can get out the other side from this, and this from the other." my gun to my eye; oh! he's of no use at all." But Vell sir, vhen ve got-ay, no matter; says I to it were in vain to attempt a detail of all his accidents Billy, says I, I'll lay you a tizzy, says I, that I hit and misfortunes, so I'll tell you a part of them in a some'at before ve are long out, says I. So, says song. Billy, says he, done, says he. So I puts my gun up my shoulder, so- and shutting my left eye for fear of the flash, Hold, says Billy, says he. What's the matter, Billy, says I? You have forgot to load her, pays he. And sure enough, so I had; so I takes out my powder and shot, and loads her well, biting off a bit of paper you know, and ramming it tight down you know to keep all safe; so I puts up my gun again, Stop, stop, says Billy, says he. What's the matSpoken.] Just as ve vere a passing along Blackter, says I. You have left your ramrod in your gan, says muilin rascals, who meant to affront us by calling us friars bridge, there vere ve assailed by a set of nega he. And sure enough I had, and wery lucky it vas that I stopped, for when I looked, there vas Benjamin cockneys. There they go, says they, there goes twa the Jew merchant, parched like a blackbird behind rum ones. What'll they kill, says one? Some farthe hedge; poor Ben vas frightened out of his vits,mer's grunter, says another. No, that they voat, says as much as 1 vas. So ve com'd avay up the side of a third, for if Gaffer Gammon's grunter vas vithin a the river, till ve comed to a gentleman's house with yard of the gun, I'll bet two to one he could not ha some trees a-growing aside it. So I sees some at on So the sports of the field is a cockney's delight, a tree, and I thinks it vere a crow; so says I to Billy, On the first of September, all rigg'd out so tight. says I, dash my buttons if a crow an't fair game, so here goes. Stop, says Billy, says he. Vhy, so, says Our pockets with powder and shot too were cram'd, I? That's the man's poll parrot, says he. I does'nt And sportsman like too, added chicken and ham, care, says I; so just as ve vere a speaking, the ser- Our dogs round us danc'd-aye, these were them all, vant girl comes to the vindow and she's dusting avay, Towser, Tiger, a buli dog, little Gipsey and Bail. and then she comes and stands before us. Get out of the vay, says I. I shan't, says she. I'm going to On the first of September, at five in the morn, it. -bark ? Spoken.] My eye, as ve vere crossing a field, that should I see but a jackdaw sitting on the back of a cov. Dash my buttons, says I, but that there's a good shot | Should any of your grandsires' ghosts appear says I, Bill; so I claps my gun to my shoulder, and In your wax-candle circles, and but hear shuts both my eyes, for fear of the flash blinding me. The name of coffee so much call'd upon; Stop, stop, says he, you'll shoot the old cow, says he. Then see it drank like scalding Phlegethon; No, I vont, says I, for I doesn't see not neither the Would they not startle, think ye, all agreed cow, nor the jackdaw now, as my eyes are both shut ; 'Twas conjuration both in word and deed; so I pulls the trigger strong to make the mark sure; Or Catiline's conspirators, as they stood but I doesn't know how it was, poor Tiger was run- Sealing their oaths in draughts of blackest blood ? ning by at the moment, and I had forgotten to take The merriest ghost of all your sires would say, out my ramrod, and poor Tiger got it stuck in his Your wine's much worse since his last yesterday. gizzard, and there he lay sprawling as dead as a He'd wonder how the club had given a hop tenpenny nail. O'er tavern-bars into a farrier's shop, Where he'd suppose, both by the smoke and stench, Each man a horse, and each horse at his drench. So the sports of the field is a cockney's delight, Spoken.] Vell, I primes and loads again, and in a hedge I hears a melodious sound, and says Billy, says he, My eyes there's a blackbird, are you loaded? Yes, says I. Then fire, says he. So I points my gin again, and shuts both my eyes of course, and lets fy. But my eye, vat a mistake I made, for instead of the bird I aim'd at, I hit poor Moses the Jew pedlar, and knock'd off his beard Moses vas in a terrible fright, and swore as how I had kill'd him. I offered Moses a tizzy for his fright, but Mo, with his neck all on one side, told me as how I should make it a bob. I can't, says I, Mister Moses, for I have but one tester left, and that one's bad. Let me she it, says Moses, ish it pad? Esh, it is very pad indeed, but I will colour him again, and you may continue with The sports of the field is a cockney's delight, COFFEE DRINKERS. For men and Christians to turn Turks, and think Sure you're no poets, nor their friends, for now, AN AUTHOR'S EXPECTATIONS FROM CRITICS AND The public approbation I expect, And beg they'll take my word about the moral, My epical pretensions to the laurel : Who thank'd me duly by return of post- |