The king, (God bless him,) had singular hopes The Borderers they, as they met him on the wa of you all to unite: whatever office he serves in, take all opportunities to spoil the business he is about, and to cross him in every thing. For instance, if the butler be a tell-tale, break his glasses whenever he leaves the pantry-door open; or lock the cat or the mastiff in it, who will do as well: mislay a fork or a spoon, so that he may never find it. If it be the cook, whenever she turns her back, throw a lump of soot, or a handful of salt, in the pot, or smoking coals into the dripping-pan, or daub the roast-meat with the back of the chimney, or hide the key of the jack. If a footman be suspected, let the cook daub the back of his new livery; or when he is going up with a dish of soup, let her follow him softly with a ladle-full, and dribble it all the way up stairs to the dining-room, and then let the house-maid make such a noise, that her lady may hear it. The waiting-maid is very likely to be guilty of this fault in hopes to ingratiate herself in this case the laundress must be sure to tear her smocks in the washing, and yet wash them but half; and, when she complains, tell all the house that she sweats so much, and her flesh is so rasty, that she fouls a smock more in one hour, than the kitchen-maid doth in a week. SIR JOHN SUCKLING'S ARMY, Sir John got him an ambling nag, To Scotland for to ride a, With a hundred horse more, all his own he swore, To guard him on every side a. No errant knight ever went to fight With half so gay a bravado, He ran to his tent, they ask'd what he meant, -a. To quarter him in the van a; But Sir John did swear, he came not there, To be kill'd the very first man a. To cure his fear, he was sent to the rere, Some ten miles back and more a; Where he did play at tre trip for hay, And nere saw the enemy more a. But now there is peace, he's returned to incre His money which lately he spent a; But his lost honour must still lie in the dust, At Barwick away it went a. IN SELBY CHURCH-YARD, YORKSHIRE. Here lies the body of poor Frank Row, Parish clerk, and grave-stone cutter; VILLAGE APOTHECARY. I do remember an apothecary,— Had you but seen his look, you'ld have sworn on a And hereabouts he dwells,-whom late I noted In tatter'd weeds, with overwhelming brows, O, reader! guess at the wretch's misery who now writes this, when, with tears and burning blushes, he is obliged to confess that he has been- HANGED these technical phrases-if I knew how to express my meaning shorter But to procecd.-My first care after I had been brought to myself by the usual methods, (those methods that are so interesting to the operator and his assistants, who are pretty numerous on such occaMethinks I hear an involuntary exclamation burst sions,-but which no patient was ever desirous of from you, as your imagination presents to you fearful undergoing a second time for the benefit of science,) Images of your correspondent unknown —hanged! my first care was to provide myself with an enormous Fear not. No disembodied spirit has the honour stock or eravat to hide the place--you understand me; of addressing you. I am flesh and blood, an unfor--my next care was to procure a residence as distant tunate system of bones, muscles, sinews, arteries, like as possible from that part of the country where I had yourself. suffered. For that reason I chose the metropolis, as the place where wounded honour (I had been told) could lurk with the least danger of exciting inquiry, and stigmatized innocence had the best chance of In the plainest sense, without trope or figure-Yes, hiding her disgrace in a crowd. I sought out a new reader! this neck of mine has felt the fatal noose, circle of acquaintance, and my circumstances hapthese hands have tremblingly held up the corrobora pily enabling me to pursue my fancy in that respect, tive prayer-book,-these lips have sucked the mois-I endeavoured, by mingling in all the pleasures which ture of the last consolatory orange,-this tongue has the town affords, to efface the memory of what I had chanted the doleful cantata which no performer was undergone. ever called upon to repeat,- this face has had the veiling night-cap drawn over it Then, I presume, you mean to be pleasant. That expression of yours, must be taken somehow in a metaphorical sense But for no crine of mine.-Far be it from me to arraign the justice of my country, which, though tardy, did at length recognise my innocence. It is not for me to reflect upon judge or jury, now that eleven years have elapsed since the erroneous sentence was pronounced. Men will always be fallible, and perhaps circumstances did appear at the time a little strong But alas! such is the portentous and all-pervading chain of connection which links together this great community, my scheme of lying perdu was defeated almost at the outset. A countryman of mine, whom a foolish law-suit had brought to town, by chance met me, and the secret was soon blazoned about. In a short time, I found myself deserted by most of those who had been my intimate friends. Not that any guilt was supposed to attach to my character. My officious countryman, to do him justice, Suffice it to say, that after hanging four minutes, had been candid enough to explain my perfect in(as the spectators were pleased to compute it,-a nocence. But, somehow or other, there is a want of man that is being strangled, I know from experience, strong virtue in mankind. We have plenty of the has altogether a different measure of time from his softer instincts, but the heroic character is gone. friends who are breathing leisurely about him,-1 How else can I account for it, that of all my numesuppose the minutes lengthen as time approaches rous acquaintance, among whom I had the honour eternity, in the same manner as the miles get longer of ranking sundry persons of education, talents, and as you travel northward-,) after hanging four mi-worth, scarcely here and there one or two could be nutes, according to the best calculation of the bystanders, a reprieve came, and I was CUT DOWN——— Really I am ashamed of deforming your pages with found, who had the courage to associate with a man that had been hanged. Those few who did not desert me altogether, were persons of strong but coarse minds; and from the absence of all delicacy in them I suffered almost as much as from the superabundance of a false species of it in the others. Those who stuck by me were the jokers, who thought themselves entitled, by the fidelity which they had shown towards me, to use me with what familiarity they pleased. Many and unfeeling are the jests that I have suffered from these rude (because faithful) Achateses. As they past me in the streets, one would nod significantly to his companion, and say, pointing to me, Smoke his cravat; and ask me if I had got a wen, that I was so solicitous to cover my neck. Another would inquire, What news from * * Assizes? (which you may guess, reader, was the scene of my shame,) and whether the sessions was like to prove a maiden one? A third would offer to ensure me from drowning. A fourth would teaze me with inquiries how I felt when I was swinging, whether I had not something like a blue flame dancing before my eyes? A fifth took a fancy never to call me any thing but Lazarus. And an eminent bookseller and publisher, who, in his zeal to present the public with new facts, had he lived in those days, I am confident, would not have scrupled waiting upon the person himself last mentioned, at the most critical period of his existence, to solicit a few facts relative to resuscitation,-had the modesty to offer me sixteen guineas per sheet, if I would write, in his Magazine, a physiological account of my feelings upon coming to myself. But these were evils which a moderate fortitude might have enabled me to struggle with. Alas! reader, the women,-whose good graces I had always most assiduously cultivated, from whose softer minds I had hoped a more delicate and generous sympathy than I found in the men, the women began to shun me-this was the unkindest blow of all. But is it to be wondered at? How couldst thou imagine, wretchedest of beings, that that tender creature Seraphina would fling her pretty arms about that neck which previous circumstances had rendered infamous? That she would put up with the refuse of the rope, the leavings of the cord? Or that any analogy could subsist between the knot which binds two lovers, and the knot which ties malefactors? I can forgive that pert baggage Flirtilla, who, when I complimented her one day on the execution which her eyes had done, replied, "that, to be sure, Mr.** was a judge of those things." But from thy more exalted mind, Celestina, I expected a more unprejudiced decision. The person whose true name I conceal under this appellation, of all the women that I was ever acquainted with, had the most manly turn of mind, which she had improved by reading and the best conversation. Her understanding was not more masculine than her manners and whole disposition were delicately and truly feminine. She was the daughter of an officer who had fallen in the service of his country, leaving his widow and Celestina, an only child, with a fortune sufficient to set them above want, but not to enable them to live in splendour. I had the mother's permission to pay my addresses to the young lady, and Celestina seemed to approve of my suit. Often and often have I poured out my overcharged soul in the presence of Celestina, complaining of the hard and unfeeling prejudices of the world, and the sweet maid has again and again declared, that no irrational prejudice should hinder her from esteeming every man according to his intrinsic worth. Often has she repeated the consolatory assurance, that she could never consider as essentially ignominious an accident, which was indeed to be deprecated, but which might have happened to the most innocent of mankind. Then would she set forth some illustrious example, which her reading easily furnished, of a Phocion or a Socrates unjustly condemned; of a Raleigh or a Sir Thomas More, to whom late posterity had done justice; and by soothing my fancy with some such agreeable parallel, she would make me almost to triumph in iny disgrace, and convert my shame into glory. In such entertaining and instructive conversations the time passed on, till I importunately urged the mistress of my affections to name a day for our union. To this she obligingly consented, and I thought myself the happiest of mankind. But how was I surprised one morning at the receipt of the following billet from my charmer : "SIR, heart, she found that she should never be able to bear the sight (I give you her very words as they were detailed to me by her relation) the sight of a man in a nightcap, who had appeared on a public platform, it would lead to such a disagreeable association of ideas! And to this punctilio I was sacrificed. "You must not impute it to levity, or to a worse To pass over an infinite series of minor mortificafailing, ingratitude, if, with anguish of heart, I feel tions, behold me here, in the thirty-seventh year of myself compelled by irresistible arguments to recall my existence, (the twelfth, reckoning from my rea vow which I fear I made with too little considera- animation,) cut off from all respectable connections, tion. I never can be yours. The reasons of my rejected by the fairer half of the community,-who decision, which is final, are in my own breast, and in my case alone seem to have laid aside the chayou must everlastingly remain a stranger to them.racteristic pity of their sex; punished because I was Assure yourself that I can never cease to esteem you once punished unjustly; suffering for no other reason as I ought. CELESTINA.” At the sight of this paper, I ran in frantic haste to Celestina's lodgings, where I learned, to my infinite mortification, that the mother and daughter were set off on a journey to a distant part of the country, to visit a relation, and were not expected to return in less than four months. I Stunned by this blow, which left me without the courage to solicit an explanation by letter, even if had known where they were, (for the particular address was industriously concealed from me,) I waited with impatience the termination of the period, in the vain hope that I might be permitted to have a chance of softening the harsh decision by a personal interview with Celestina after her return. But before three months were at an end, I learned from the newspapers, that my beloved had given her hand to another! Heart-broken as I was, I was totally at a loss to account for the strange step which she had taken; and it was not till some years after that I learned the true reason from a female relation of hers, to whom it seems Celestina had confessed in confidence, that it was no demerit of mine that had caused her to break off the match so abruptly, nor any preference which she might feel for any other person, for she preferred me (she was pleased to say) to all mankind; but when she came to lay the matter closer to her than because I once had the misfortune to suffer with out any cause at all. In no other country, I think, but this, could a man have been subject to such a life-long persecution, when once his innocence had been clearly established. Had I crawled forth a rescued victim from the rack in the horrible dungeons of the Inquisition,--had I heaved myself up from a half bastinado in China, or been torn from the just-entering, ghastly impalingstake in Barbary,—had I dropt alive from the knout in Russia, or come off with a gashed neck from the half-mortal, scarce-in-time-retracted scimitar of an executioneering slave in Turkey,-I might have borne about the remnant of this frame (the mangled trophy of reprieved innocence) with credit to myself, in any of those barbarous countries. No scorn, at least, would have mingled with the pity (small as it might be) with which what was left of me would have been surveyed. The singularity of my case has often led me to inquire into the reasons of the general levity with which the subject of hanging is treated as a topic in this country. I say as a topic: for let the very persons who speak so lightly of the thing at a distance be brought to view the real scene,-let the platform be bona fide exhibited, and the trembling culprit brought forth,-the case is changed: but as a topic of conversation, I appeal to the vulgar jokes which pass current in every street. But why mention them, the exit of malefactors in this country. Let a man when the politest authors have agreed in making use do what he will to abstract from his imagination all of this subject as a source of the ridiculous. Swift, idea of the whimsical, something of it will come and Pope, and Prior, are fond of recurring to it. across him when he contemplates the figure of a felGay has built an entire drama upon this single foun- low-creature in the daytime (in however distressing dation. The whole interest of the Beggar's Opera a situation) in a nightcap. Whether it be that this may be said to hang upon it. To such writers as nocturnal addition has something discordant with Fielding and Smollet it is a perfect bonne bouche.daylight, or that it is the dress which we are seen Hear the facetious Tom Brown, in his Comical View in at those times when we are "seen," as the angel of London and Westminster, describe the Order of in Milton expresses it, "least wise;" this I am afraid the Show at one of the Tyburn Executions in his will always be the case; unless indeed, as in my intime" Mr. Ordinary visits his melancholy flock stance, some strong personal feeling overpower the in Newgate by eight. Doleful procession up Hol- ludicrous altogether. To me, when I reflect upon the horn Hill about eleven. Men handsome and proper train of misfortunes which have pursued me through that were never thought so before, which is some life, owing to that accursed drapery, the cap presents comfort however. Arrive at the fatal place by twelve. as purely frightful an object as the sleeveless yellow Burnt brandy, women, and sabbath-breaking, re- coat and devil-painted mitre of the San Benitos.pented of. Some few penitential drops fall under An ancestor of mine, who suffered for his loyalty in the gallows. Sheriff's men, parson, pickpockets, cri- the time of the civil wars, was so sensible of the minals, all very busy. The last concluding peremp-truth of what I am here advancing, that on the morntory psalm struck up. Show over by one.' ing of execution, no entreaties could prevail upon One reason why the ludicrous never fails to intrude him to submit to the odious dishabille, as he called itself into our contemplations upon this mode of death, it, but he insisted upon wearing, and actually sufI suppose to be, the absurd posture into which a man fered in, the identical flowing periwig which he is is thrown who is condemned to dance, as the vulgar painted in, in the gallery belonging to my uncle's delight to express it, upon nothing. To see him seat. whisking and wavering in the air, As the wind you know will wave a man; Suffer me, before I quit the subject, to say a word or two respecting the minister of justice in this country; in plain words I mean the hangman. It has to behold the vacant carcass, from which the life is always appeared to me that, in the mode of inflicting newly dislodged, shifting between earth and heaven, capital punishments with us, there is too much of the the sport of every gust; like a weathercock serving ministry of the human hand. The guillotine, as to show from which point the wind blows; like a performing its functions more of itself and sparing maukin, fit only to scare away birds; like a nest left human agency, though a cruel and disgusting exto swing upon a bough when the bird is flown: these hibition, in my mind, has many ways the advantage are uses to which we cannot without a mixture of over our way. In beheading, indeed, as it was forspleen and contempt behold the human carcass re-merly practised in England, and in whipping to death, duced. We string up dogs, foxes, bats, moles, wea sels. Man surely deserves a steadier death. Another reason why the ludicious associates more forcibly with this than any other mode of punishment, I cannot help thinking to be, the senseless costume with which old prescription has thought fit to clothe as is sometimes practised now, the hand of man is no doubt sufficiently busy; but there is something less repugnant in these downright blows than in the officious barber-like ministrings of the other. To have a fellow with his hangman's hands fumbling about your collar, adjusting the thing as your valet |