who began to take in high dudgeon this horse-play of her neighbour, and was proceeding to manifest ber displeasure in ne very measured terms, when she was fortunately separated from her antagonist, and borne down the hatchway by the dinner-desiring crowd, though sundry echoes of the words "jackanapes!" and " imperent fellow?" continued audible above the confused gabble of the gangway. so high and mighty, she may find her own way down. What she's afraid of spoiling her fine shawl, I reckon, though you and I remember Mrs. Hoggins, when her five-shilling Welsh-wittle was kept for Sunday's church, and good enough too, for we all know what her mother was. Good Heavens! here comes Undertaker Croak, looking as down in the mouth as the root of my tongue; do let me get out of his way; I wouldn't sit next to him for a rump and dozen, he Well, but Mr. Smart," cried Mrs. Suet, as 5000 does tell such dismal stories that it quite gives one as she had satisfied the first cravings of her appetite, the blue devils, He is like a nightmare, isn't he Mr." you promised to tell me all about the steam, and Smart?" He may be like a mare by night," replied explain what it is that makes them wheels go round Mr. Smart, with a smirking chuckle, but I con- and round as fast as those of our one-horse ebay, sider him more like an ass by day.-He! he he!" when Jem Ball drives the trotting mare." * Why, Looking round for applause at this sally, he held out ma'am, you must understand-"" Who called for his elbows, and taking a lady, or rather a female, sandwiches and a tumbler of negus?" bawled the under each arm, he danced towards the hatchway, steward." Who called for savages and a tumbling exclaiming, "Now I am ready trussed for table, liver negres?" repeated Mr. Smart." Yes, ma'am, yo under one wing and gizzard under the other." "Keep saw the machinery, I believe (capital boiled beef) a civil tongue in your head, Mr. Smart; I don't quite there's a thing goes up and a thing goes down, ail understand being called a liver-look at the sparks made of iron; well, that's the hydrostatic principle; coming out of the chimney, I declare I'm frightened then you put into the boiler-(a nice leg of mutton, to death." "Well, then you are of course no longer Mrs. Sweetbread)-let me see, where was I?-In a liver," resumed the facetious Mr. Smart; "so we the boiler, I believe. Ah! it's an old trick of mine may as well apply to Mr. Croak to bury you." "O to be getting into hot water. So, ma'am, you see Gemini! don't talk so shocking; I had rather never they turn all the smoke that comes from the fire on die at all, than have such a fellow as that to bury to the wheels, and that makes them spin round, just me." 66 Dickey, my dear!" cried Mrs. Cleaver to as the smoke-jack in our chimnies turns the spit; her son, who was leaning over the ship's side with a and then there's the safety-valve in case of danger, most woe-begone and emetical expression of coun- which lets all the water into the fire, and so puts cut tenance, hadn't you better come down to dinner? the steam at once. You see, ma'am, it's very simple, There's a nice silver side of a round o' beef, and the when once you understand the trigonometry of it.” chump end of a line o' mutton, besides a rare hock of " O perfectly, but I never had it properly explained bacon, which I dare say will settle your stomach." to me before. It's vastly clever, isn't it? How could "O mother," replied the young cockney, "that 'ere they think of it?" Shall I give you a little of the cold beef steak and inguns vat you put in the pocket-sallad?" La, it isn't dressed; what a shame!" handkerchief, vasn't good, I do believe, for all my "Not at all," cried Smart, "none of us dressed hinsides are of a work." "Tell 'em it's a holiday," for dinner, so that we can hardly expect it to be cried Smart. "O dear, O dear!" continued Dick, whose usual brazen tone was subdued into a lackadaisical whine, "I vant to reach and I can't-vat shall I do, mother?" "Stand on tiptoe, my darling," replied Smart, imitating the voice of Mrs. Cleaver, dressed for us. He he he!" * Did you hear that, Mrs. H.?" exclaimed Mrs. Suet, turning to Mrs. Hoggins, "that was a good one, warn't it? Drat it, Smart, you are a droll one." Here the company were alarmed by a terrified groan from Mr. Croak, who ejaculated, "Heaven "Well," exclaimed Mrs. Sweetbread, "I never have mercy upon us! did you hear that whizzing tasted such beer as this-flat as ditch-water, they oise?-there it is again! there's something wrong should have put it upon the cullender to let the water in the boiler--if it bursts, we shall all be in heaven run out; and yet you have been drinking it, Smart, in five minutes." "The Lord forbid !" ejaculated and never said any thing about it." "Madam," retwo or three voices, while others began to scream, plied the party thus addressed, laying his hand upon and were preparing to quit their places, when the his heart, and looking very serious, "I make it a rule steward informed them it was nothing in the world rever to speak ill of the dead. I am eating the ham, but the spare steam which they were letting off. you see, and yet it would be much better if I were "Ah, so they always say," resumed Croak, with an to let it exemplify one of Shakspeare's soliloquiesincredulous tone and woe-begone look; "but it was Ham-let alone."- "La! you're such a wag," cried just the same on board the American steam-boat that Mrs. Hoggins, "there's no being up to you; but if I was telling you of-fifty-two souls sitting at dinner, you don't like the ham, take a slice of this edge-bone laughing and chatting for all the world as we are-nothing's better than cold beef." "I beg your now, when there comes a whiz, such as we heard a pardon, Madam," replied the indefatigable joker-while ago-God help us! there it is once more-and" cold beef's better than nothing-Ha! ha! ha!" bang! up blew the boiler-fourteen people scalded to death-large pieces of their flesh found upon the banks of the river, and a little finger picked up next day in an oyster-sheil, which by the ring upon it was known to be the captain's. But don't be alarmed, ladies and gentlemen, I dare say we shall escape any scalding, as we're all in the cabin, and so we shall only go to the bottom smack! Indeed we may arrive safe-they do sometimes, and I wish we may now, for nobody loves a party of pleasure more than I do. I hate to look upon the gloomy side of things when we are all happy together, (here another groan,) and I hope I haven't said any thing to lower the spirits of the company." " "How do you find yourself now, my darling?" said Mrs. Cleaver to her son, who had been driven below by a shower, and kept his hat on because, as he said, his 'air was quite vet. "Vy, mother, I have been as sick as a cat, but I'm bang up now, and so peckish that I feel as if I could heat any thing.' Then just warm these potatoes," said Smart, handing him the dish, "for they are almost cold." "I'll thank you not to run your rigs upon me," quoth the young cockney, looking glumpish," or I shall fetch you a vipe with this here hash-stick. If one gives you a hinch, you take a hell." "Never mind him, my dear," cried his mother "eat this mutton-chop, it will do you good; there's no gravy, for Mr. Smart has all the sauce to himself. Haw! haw! haw!" "There's no occasion," cried Smart, "for I saw the steward putting water into every bottle of brandy." Very good!" exclaimed the latter, clapping his The laugh excited by this bon-mot tended in some hands, "egad! Ma'am, you are as good a wag as degree to dissipate the alarm and gloom which the your own double chin." This was only ventured in boding Mr. Croak had been infusing into the party; a low tone of voice, and as the fat dame was at that and Smart, by way of fortifying their courage, bade moment handing the plate to her son, it was fortuthem remark that the sailors were obviously under no nately unheard. Dick being still rather giddy, consort of apprehension. "Ay," resumed the persevering trived to let the chop fall upon the floor, an occurMr. Croak, " they are used to it-it is their business rence at which Mr. Smart declared he was not in the -they are bred to sea." "But they don't want to least surprised, as the young man, when first he came be bread to the fishes, any more than you or I," re-into the cabin, looked uncommonly chop-fallen. torted Smart, chuckling at his having the best of the nonsense. Dick, however, had presently taken a place at the table, and began attacking a buttock of beef with great vigour and vivacity, protesting he had got a famous "happetite," and felt "as ungry as an ound." "I never say any thing to discourage any body," said Mr. Croak, particularly young people; it's a thing I hate, but f'other day a fine lad sate down to his dinner in this very packet, after being sea-sick, just as you may be doing now, when it turned out he had broke a blood-vessel, and in twelve hours he was a corpse, and a very pretty one he made." 36 "I "I'm not going to be choused out of my dinner for all that," replied the youth, munching away with great industry, and at the same time calling outSteward! take away this porter-pot, it runs.' doubt that," cried Smart." I say it does," resumed Dick angrily," the table-cloth is all of a sop.""I'll bet you half a crown it doesn't." Done! and done! were hastily exchanged, when Mr. Smart, looking round with a smirk, exclaimed-" Ladies and Gentlemen, I appeal to every one of you whether the pot has not been perfectly still, and nothing has been running but the beer." This elicited a shout at poor Dick's expense, who sullenly muttered, "I'm not going to be bamboozled out of an 'alf-crown in that there vay, and vat's more, I von't be made a standing joke by no man." I don't see how you can," replied his antagonist, so long as you are sitting." -“ Vy are you like a case of ketchup?" cried Dick, venturing for once to become the assailant, and immediately replying to his own inquiry, "because you are a saucebox."-" Haw! haw!" roared his mother, "bravo, Dick! well done, Dick-there's a proper rap for you, Mr. Smart." Dick now changed the conversation, by observing that it would luckily be "'igh-water in the arbour when they arrived." "Then I recommend you by all means to use some of it." said the pertinacious Mr. Smart," perhaps it may cure your squint." 46 the panic-striken company at the dinner-table. "Lord have mercy upon us!" ejaculated Croak with a deep groan-" it's all over with us-we are going to the bottom-I like to make the best of every thing-it's my way, and therefore hope that no lady or gentleman will be in the least alarmed, for I believe drowning is a much less painful death than is generally supposed." AFFECTED GRAVITY. I tell thee what, Antonio, I love thee, and it is my love that speaks ;— A FAIR BARGAIN. A Norman priest, many of whose parishioners had not made the most honourable exit out of this world, insisted, when he was baptizing one of their children, to be paid the nuptial and burial fees, as well as those of baptism; and when the parents asked the reason of this extraordinary demand, he replied, "Because I know, as soon as he is grown up, he wil cheat me of my dues, by going to Paris to be hanged." THE COLLEGIAN AND THE PORTER. At Trin. Coll. Can),-which means, in proper spelling, Both mother and son rose up in wrath at this per- Trinity College, Cambridge,—there resided sonality, and there would infallibly have been a bour-One Harry Dashington-a youth excelling rasque (as the French say) in the hold, but that there was then a tremendous concussion upon the deck, occasioned by the fall of the main boom, and followed by squeaks and screams, of all calibres, from In all the learning commonly provided The odds at any race or match; Was a dead hand at pigeon-shooting ; Could kick up rows--knock down the watch- Seem'd but to make his lapses greater, To guess that, with so wild a wight, "Who's there? 1 s'pose young Harum-scarum," "Tis I, my worthy Ben-'tis Harry." Ay, so I thought, and there you'll tarry. 'Tis past the hour-the gates are closed, You know my orders-I shall lose My place if I undo the door.""And P-(young Hopeful interposed) "Shall be expell'd if you refuse, So prithee"-Ben began to snore.I'm wet," cried Harry, " to the skin, Hip! hallo! Ben !--don't be a ninny; Beneath the gate I've thrust a guinea, So tumble out and let me in," Humph!" growl'd the greedy old curmudgeon, Half overjoy'd and half in dudgeon, "Now you may pass; but make no fuss, Behold the porter in his shirt, Cursing the rain which never stopp'd. Because no shilling had been dropp'd; With sundry oaths and growls and groans, To ring so loud-I've lock'd the gate- I'm stripp'd;-'tis raining cats and dogs." "Hush, hush!" quoth Hal; "I'm fast asleep ;' And then he snored as loud and deep As a whole company of hogs. But, harkye, Ben, I'll grant admittance Nay, master, leave me half the pittance," "No: all, or none-a full acquittance- I won't take less ;-I can't afford it." So finding all his haggling vain, Drew out the guinea, and restored it." Surely you'll give me," growl'd the outwitted Porter, when again admitted, " "Something, now you've done your joking, For all this trouble, time, and soaking." "Oh, surely-surely," Harry said; 566 DEFINITION OF WIT. "It To draw in customers, our bills are spread; A certain bishop said to his chaplain: "What is wit?" The chaplain replied, "The rectory of A.... is vacant, give it to me, and that will be wit." "Prove it," said his lordship," and you shall have it." would be a good thing well applied," rejoined the chaplain. The dinner daily prepared for the royal chaplains at St. James's was reprieved, for a time, from suspension, by an effort of wit. King Charles had appointed a day for dining with his chaplains; and it was understood that this step was adopted as the least unpalutable mode of putting an end to the dinner. It was Dr. South's turn to say the grace: and whenever the king honoured his chaplains with There's good old English stingo, mild and stale. his presence, the prescribed formula ran thus: "God For high, luxurious souls, with luscious smack, save the king, and bless the dinner." Our witty di- There's Sir John Falstaff in a butt of sack; vine took the liberty of transposing the words, by And if the stronger liquors more invite ye, saying, "God bless the king, and save the dinner." Bardolph is gin, and Pistol aqua vitæ. But should you call for Falstaff, where to find him, "And it shall be saved," said the monarch. The blaze of wit in the School for Scandal asto-He's gone-nor left one cup of sack behind him. nishes us less when we remember that the writer had Sunk in his elbow chair, no more he'll roain, it in his power to frame both the question and the No more with merry wags to Eastcheap come; answer; the reply and the rejoinder; the time and He's gone-to jest and laugh, and give us sack at the place. He must be a poor proficient, who cannot keep up the game, when both the ball, the wall, and the racket, are at his sole command. home. As for the learned critics, grave and deep, " 66 'Come, fill a bumper, Jack."-" I will, my Lord."Here's cream-damn'd fine!-immense !-upo my word! Sir William, what say you?"-" The best, believe me. "In this-eh, Jack?-the devil can't deceive me." Thus the wise critic too, mistakes his wine; Cries out, with lifted hands-Tis great! divine! |