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PLOT AND UNDERPLOT.
and hollows and danceth for the heavens ; the second Dr. Busby was asked how he contrived to keep all is lyon-drunk, and he flings the pots about the house, his preferments, and the head mastership of West- calls the hostess w-e, breaks the glass-windows with minster school, through the successive, but turbulent, his dagger, and is apt to quarrel with any man that reigns of Charles the First, Oliver Cromwell, Charles speaks to him; the third is swine-drünk, heavy, the Second, and James ; he replied, “ The fathers lumpish, and sleepy, and cries for a little more drink govern the nation ; the mothers govern the fathers; and a few more clothes ; the fourth is sheepe-drunk, but the boys govern the mothers, and I govern the wise in his own conceit when he cannot bring forth a boys.”
right word; the titth is maudlen-drunk, when a fel. PROLOGUE EXTRAORDINARY.
| low will weep for kindness in the midst of his drink, An Hibernian member of a strolling company of and kiss you, saying, ' By God! captain, I love thee, comedians, in the north of England, once advertised go thy ways, thou dost not think so oftep of me, as I for his benefit, “ An occasional Address to be spoken do of thee : I would (if it pleased God) I could not by a new actor.” This excited great expectations love thee so well as I do,' and then he puts his finger among the town's people. – Upon the benefit-night, in his eye and cries. The sixth is martin-drunk, the Hibernian stepped forward, and in a deep brogue when a man is drunk, and drinks bimself sober ere thus addressed the audience :
he stir ; the seventh is goat-drunk, when in his
drunkenness he hath no mind but on lechery. The To night, a new actor appears on your stage, eighth is for-drunk, when he is crafty-drunk, as many To claim your protection and your patron-age; of the Dutchinen be, which will never bargain but Now, who do you think this new actor may be ? Why, turn round your eyes, and look full upon me, I have seen practised in one company at one sitting :
when they are drunk. All these species, and more, And then you'll be sure this new actor to see.”
when I have been permitted to remain sober amongst
them only to note their several humours." We have a very common expression to describe a man in a state of ebriety, that“ he is as drunk as a beast,” or that “he is beastly drunk.” This is a libel on the brutes, for the vice of ebriety is perfectly hu
When ebriety became first prevalent in our The guests assembled in Budge-row, nation, during the reign of Elizabeth, it was a fa Sir Peter Pruin mumbles grace, vourite notion among the writers of the time, and on The covers are removed--and lo! which they have exhausted their fancy, that a man in A terrible attack takes place : the different stages of ebriety showed the most vicious Knives, spoons, and glasses clitter-clatter, quality of different animals; or that a company of None seem to think of indigestions ; drunkards exhibited a collection of brutes, with their But all together stuff and chatter, different characteristics.
Like gluttons playing at cross-questions. "All dronkardes are beasts," says George Gas What's that on Mrs. Firkin's head! coigne in a curious treatise on them, and he proceeds Roast hare and sweet sauce-wears a wigin illustrating his proposition ; but the satirist Nash So Lady Lump is put to bed, has classified eight kinds of “drunkards;" a fanciful What has she got ?-a roasted pig. sketch from the hand of a master in humour, and Your little darling, Mrs. Aggswhich could only have been composed by a close A rein-deer tongue-begins to chatter. spectator of their manners and habits.
Hlow's little Tommy ?-boil'd to rags ;“ The first is ape-drunk, and he leaps and sings And Miss Augusta?—fried in batter.
DRINKING-CUSTOMS IN ENGLAND.
TIIE CIVIC DINNER.
How well he carves ! - he's named by will St. James's-square, called Almack's. The proprietor My joint executor--the papers
of the mansion is named Willis. Six lady patronSay Noblet's coming to fultil
esses, of the first distinction, govern the assembly, Some mint-sauce, ard a few more capers | Their fiat is decisive as to admission or rejection: Lord Byron's cantos—where's the salt ?
consequently their nods men and gods keep in awe.” This trifle makes us lick our lips;
The nights of meeting fall upon every Wednesday Angel's syllabubs some exalt,
during the season. This is selection with a venBut Birch is surely best for whips.
geance: the very quintessence of aristocracy. ThreeNice chickens-Mrs. Fry must carry
fourths even of the nobility knock in vain for admisA tender heart—but toughish gizzard
sion. Into this sanctum sanctorum, of course, the Do stick your fork in-little Harry
sons of commerce never think of intruding on the Knows all his letters down to izzard.
sacred Wednesday evenings : and yet into this very There's tripple Ex--fine calf's head
“ blue chamber;" in the absence of the six necromanWhat's your gown made of ?-currant jelly : cers, have the votaries of trade contrived to intrude Fat Mrs. Fubbs they say is dead
themselves. The following are the particulars. A famous buttock-vermicelli
At a numerous and respectable meeting of tradesBlack puddings-pepper'd-dish’d-Belzoni ; men's ladies, held at the King's-Head Tavern in the
A glass of-Probert's pond with Thurtell ; Poultry, Lady Simms in the chair, it was resolved, in Lord Petersham-bad macaroni ;
order to mortify the proud flesh of the six occidental She's a most loving wife-mock-turtle.- countesses above alluded to, that a rival Almack's be Yes, Miss-pig's face-had caught his eye, forth with established, to meet on every Friday evenShe loved his-mutton chops—and so
ing: that Mr. Willis be treated with as to the hiring They jumped into-a pigeon pie,
of his rooms : that the worthy chairwoman, with the ad. Some kissing crust—and off they go.
dition of Lady Brown, Lady Roberts, Mrs. Chambers, I eat for lunch-a handkerchief
Mrs. Wells, and Miss Jones, be appointed six lady A green goose-lost at Charing-cross;
patronesses to govern the establishment : that those I seiz'd the rascal-collared beef
ladies be empowered to draw a line of demarcation And we both roll'd in lobster-sauce.
round the most fashionable part of the city, and that St. Ronan's Well-Scot's collops-fetch up no residents beyond that circle be, on any account, Another bottle, this is flat.-
entitled to subscriptions. The six lady patronesses, The Princess Olive--mushroom ketchup
who originated these resolutions, dwell in the most His Royal Highness-lots of fat.
fashionable part of the city, viz. Lady Simms, on CornPoor Miss-red-herring - we must give her hill, Lady Brown in Mansion-house-street, Lady
Grand Signior-turkey dish'd in grease : Roberts, in Birebin-Jane, Mrs. Chambers, in ThrogHand me the captain's lights and liver, morton-street, Mrs. Wells, in Copthall-court, and And just cut open-Mrs. Rees.
Miss Jones, in Bucklersbury. It is astonishing with So Fanny Flirt is going to marrym
what rapidity the subscriptions filled ; and the governA nice Welsh-rabbit-muffins-mummery –
esses of the establishment have acted with great Grimaldi-ices-Captain Parry
circumspection in confining the amusement to none Crimp'd cod-crim-con-Crim Tartars—flum- but their upper circles. The chief members are waremery.
housemen and wholesale linen-drapers, with, of ALHACK'S ON FRIDAY.
course, their wives and daughters. The original plan There is a dancing establishment in King-street was to exclude all retail trades; but, as this would
have made the ball rather too select, the scheme was may look in vain for a renewal of his subscription: abanıloned. Grocers dealing both wholesale and re- Mrs. Chambers's helpmate is a tailor. A rule has tail, silversmiths, glovers, packers, dyers, and paper- recently crept into the establishment that no gentle. stainers, are admissible, provided their moral charac- men shall be attired otherwise than in the old school ters be unimpeachable and their residences be not too of inexpressibles terminating at the kuee. This regueastward. Some discord has arisen in consequence lation (which is said to have originated with Mrs. of black-balling a very reputable pawnbroker in East Chambers) has been productive of much confusion. Smithfield. West Smithfield is within the line of The common attire of most of the young men of the demarcation, but not East; and the exhibitor of three present day is trowsers. These are uniformly stopped blue balls, who has been thus rejected, complains at the door, and the unhappy wearer is forced either loudly that he is thrust aside to make room for a set to return home to re-uress, or to suffer himself to be of vulgar innholders and cattle-keepers from Smithfield sewed up by a member of the Merchant Tailor's in the West. But to squalls like this the best regu- Company, who attends in a private room for that lated establishments are liable. The line of demar-purpose. This ceremony consists in doubling up the cation includes Bow-lane,Queen-street, and Bucklers-irowsers under the knee, and stitching them in that bury, on the south side of Cheapside ; and King-position with black silk : the culprit is then allowed street, the Old Jewry, and Saint Martin's-le-Grand to enter the ball-room, with his lower man strongly on the north ; but not a step beyond. The conse- resembling one of those broad immoveable Duich quence is, that in the regions of Fore-street, Cripple captains who ply in the long room at the Customgate and Moorfields, northward ; and in those of house. It sometimes happens that the party thus Watling.street, Old Fish-street and Tower-royal, acted upon by the needle, little anticipating such a southward ; a great mass of disaffection has been en process, has worn white under-stockings, and a pair gendered. Wardmotes have been called, select of half-black silk upper hose reaching but to the comvestries have been summoned, and special meetings mencement of his calf
. The metamorphosis, in these have been convened; but Almack's on Friday cases, is rather ludicrous, inasmuch as the subscriber flourishes notwithstanding. In the delivering out of reappears with a pair of black and white magpie legs, subscriptions, it has been whispered that some and looks as if he had by accident stepped ancle-deep tokens of partiality are discernible. Undue prefer- into a couple of ink bottles. These poor fellows are ences are alleged to be given, which, if done in the necessarily forced, by the following Friday, to furnish way of trade, would force the obliged party to refund themselves with a new pair of shorts. No corrupt his debt for the equal benefit of himself and the rest motive has been assigned to Mrs. Wells ; and Miss of the creditors. Lady Simms's husband is a lottery- Jones is a maiden lady of forty four, living upon a office keeper in Cornhill, and “ they do say,” that gentrei independence. young men have but slender prospects of admission if About eight o'siock on every Friday evening durihey omit to buy their sixteenths at his shop: Ladying the season, (for certainly the city bas its seaBrown's lord and master is a wax-chandler in Man- sons--"A negro has a soul, your honour”) a large sion-house-street; let no man who hopes to visit mass of hackney coaches may be seen plying about Almack's on Friday seek his spermaceti in any other the purlieus of Cheapside, the same having been hired shop. Sir Ralph Roberts is a wholesale ironmonger to convey our city fashionables to the scene of festiin Birchin-lane; it has never been said that he is open vity. Dancing commences precisely at nine, and the to corruption in the way of trade ; but he and Lady display of jewels would not discredit the parish of Roberts have six grown-up daughters, and the sub- Mary-la-bonne. The large room with the mirror at the scriber who fails to dance with them all in one night lower end is devoted to quadrilles. Waltzes were at
first proscribed, as foreign, and consequently indecent; the outer door from a very clean hackney coach, but three of the six Miss Robertses discovered acci-delivered her card to Mr. Willis, and swept madentally one morning, while two of the other three jestically past the grating up stairs into the ballwere tormenting poor Mozart into an undulating see- room. On a more minute inspecotin of the docusaw on the piano, that they waltzed remarkably well. nient, it was discovered to be a forgery. What The rule thenceforward was less rigidly enforced. was to be done? The mother was sitting under the Yet still the practice is rather scouted by the more mirror, and the daughter was dancing for dear sober part of the community. Lady Brown bridles, life. Lady Simms, Mirs. Wells, and Miss Jones, and heartily regrets that such filthy doings are not (three make a quorum) laid their heads together, confined to Paris : while Lady Simms thanks God and the result was a civil message to Mrs. Ferguson, that her daughter never danced a single waltz in the requesting her and her daughter to abdicate. Mrs. whole course of her life. This instance of self-denial Ferguson at first felt disposed to “show fight,” but, ought to be recorded, for Miss Simms's left leg is feeling the current too strong, had recourse to supplishorter than her right. Nature evidently meant her cation. This was equally vain : the rule was impe- for a waltzer of the first water and magnitude, rative: indeed, according to Sir Ralph Roberts, as but philosophy has operated upon her as it did unalterable as the laws of the Sweeds and Stertions, upon Socrates. There is a young broker named The difference was at length split. A young stockCarter, who has no very exiensive connection, in broker of fashion had just driven up from Capel-court Mark-lane, but he has notwithstanding contrived in a hackney cabriolet. Mamma was consigned to to waltz himself into a subscription. He re- the pepper-and-salt coat driver of the vehicle; and gularly takes out Harriet Roberts, and, after Miss Ferguson was allowed to dance her dance out, swinging with her round the room till the young Lady Brown undertaking to drop her safe and sound
is sick and faint, he performs a like feat with in Friday-street, in her way homeward, at the concluJane Roberts, and successively with Betsy. The sion of the festivity. exbibitor of samples, when this is well over, is as Before the conclusion of the evening's diversion, giddy as a goose. He therefore retires to take a little the ladies and their partners walk the Polonaise breath;
but in about ten minutes returns to the large round the room. One Friday evening the order of apartment like a giant refreshed, claps his hands, calls march was suddenly impeded. Miss Donaldson, the out " Zitti zitti” to the leader of the band, and starts grocer's daughter, having insisted upon taking preafresh with Lucy, Charlotte, and Jemima Roberts, cedence of Miss Jackson, whose father sells Stiltons in three consecutive quadrilles The pertinacity of that mock the eye with the semblance of pine-apples, this young man is indeed prodigious. When the at the corner of St. Swithin's-lane. The matter was most experienced quadrillers are bowled out of the referred to the patronesses, who gave it in favour of ring, he may be seen spinning by himself, like an Miss Jackson, inasmuch as at dinner, cheese comes Arabian dervise. He is no great beauty, his head before figs. Certain caustic tradesmen, who dwell being several degrees too big for his body; but this eastward of the magic circle, are said to be in disproportion does not extend lower down, for Lady the habit of throwing out sarcasms upon those who Roberts says there is not a better-hearted young man choose to go so far west in quest of diversion. “If in all Portsoken ward. According to the rules of the you must have a ball," say these crabbed philosoestablishment, nobody is admitted after ten o'clock, phers, “why not hold it at the London Tavern, or at except gentlemen of the common council : their the George and Vulture, Lombard-street ?" But senatorial duties are paramount. An odd incidentsurely this is bad reasoning. If the pilgrim glows is said to have occurred one Friday evening. with a wariner devotion from visiting the shrine of One Mrs. Ferguson and her daughter alighted at Loretto, well may a Miss Dawson or a Mr. Toms
move with a lighter heel when kicking up a dust upon Kittens are but little cats,
They don't stuff geese with copper nails,
A German waltz is not a hymn,
The French are mostly born in France,
Fishes ar’n't afraid to swim,
Twenty turnips make a score,
Dustmen rarely drink Champagne, TRUISMS, OR INCONTROVERTIBLE FACTS,
A cow's tail seldom grows before, I'm Simon Bore, just come from college,
They don't make wigs of bamboo cane. My studies I've pursued so far,
Dutchmen sometimes lay abeds, I'm called for my surprising knowledge,
A cabbage cannot dance a jig. The walking Cyclopædia.
Grass does not grow on ladies' heads, Tho' some, perhaps, may call me quiz,
A bull dog need not wear a wig.
So you must all, &c.
Fifty pounds of yellow soap,
Weigh more than twenty-five of cheese,
An oyster cannot chew a rope,
Poor people have a right to sneeze.
Pigs don't read the Morning Post,
Watch chains are not roasting jacks, Hay is brought to town in carts,
They don't make boots of butter'd toast, Tam sandwiches a'n't made of tin ;
Red herrings don't pay powder tax.
So you must all, &c.
A certain divine, about to change his congregaNor pigeon-pies of water sais;
tion, mentioned that subject from the pulpit. After Boild salmon does not grow on trees,
service was over, an old negro man, who was one of So you must all acknowledge, 0, &c.
his admirers, went up to him and desired to know the Putty is not good to eat,
motives of his leaving his first flock; the parson anFryingpans ar'n't made of gauze,
swered, “He had a call." "I, massa," returned the Penny rolls are made of wheat,
negro, “who called you?" "God Almighty," an Straw bonnets too, are made of straws
swered the parson. I, massa, he call ye?" "Yes, Horses don't wear Hessian boots,
Jack, he called me.”-“ Massa, what you get here?" The Thames is not mock turtle soup,
“I get 2007.” “And what you get toder place!” A child can't eat an iron hoop,
“Why I am to get 4001.” “ Ť, massa, God Almighty And pigs don't play the German flute. call you till he be blind from 4007. to 2001. you no
So you must all, &c.