Pagina-afbeeldingen
PDF
ePub

he had a right to the fee-simple of the dripping-pan. kitchen is not a ware-house, nor a wash-house, a therefore he made an attachment to the sop with bis brew.house, nor a bake-house, an inn-house, nor an right hand, which the defendant replevied with her out-house, nor a dwelling-house ; no, my lord, 'tis left, tripp'd us up, and tumbled us into the dripping- absolutely and bonâ fide neither more nor less then pan: Now, in Broughton's reports, Slack versus a kitchen, or as the law more classically expresses, a Smallwood, it is said that primus strokus, sine jocus, kitchen is, camera necessaria pro usu "cookure, cum absolutus est provokus ; now, who gave the primus sauce-pannis, stew.pannis, scullero, dressero, coabstrokus ? who gave the first offence? why the cook : holo, stovis, smoak-jacko, pro roastandum, boilanshe brought the dripping-pan there ; for, my lord, dum, fryandum, et plumpudding mirandum, pro though we will allow, if we had not been there, we turtle soupos, calre's-headhashibus, cum calipee et could not have been thrown down there ; yet, my calepashibus. lord, if the dripping-pan had not been there, for us “ But we shall not avail ourselves of an alibi, but to have tumbled down into, we could not have tum- admit of the existence of a cookmaid: now, my bled into the dripping-pan.” The next counsel on lord, we shall take it upon a new ground, and beg a the same side began with, “ My lord, he who makes new trial; for as they have curtailed our name, from use of many words to no purpose, has not much to plain Mary into Moll, I hope the court will not say for himself, therefore I shall come to the point at allow of this ; for if they were to allow of mistakes, once, at once and immediately I shall come to ine what would the law do ; for when the law don't find point. My client was in liquor, the liquor in him mistakes, it is the business of the law to make them.” having served an ejectment upon his understanding, Therefore the court allowed them the liberty of a common sense was nonsuited, and he was a man be- new trial : FOR THE LAW is our. LIBERTY, AND IT side himself, as Dr. Biblibus declares, in his Dis. 18 HAPPY FOR US. WE HAVE THE LIVERTY TO GO sertation upon Bumpers, in the 139th folio volume of TO LAW. the Abridgement of the Statutes, page 1286, he says,

EPITAPHS. that a drunken man is homo duplicans, or a double man. Not only because he sees things double, but On a Person in the Country, who occasionally peralso because he is not as he should be profecto ipse formed the business of Tailor and Barber. he, but is as he should not be, defecto tipse he." In a timber surtout here are wrapt the remains

The counsel on the other side rose up gracefully, Of a mower OP BEARDS, and a USER CF SKAINS ; playing with his ruffles prettily, and tossing the ties 'Twas the shears of grim death cut his TAYTAPE of his wig about emphatically. He began with, of life, “ My lord, and you, gentlemen of the jury, I hum. And press' him away from TWIST, razons, AND bly do conceive, I have the authority to declare, that I am counsel in this case for the defendant ; there- But the pray’r of all people, he sew'D FOR fore, my lord, I shall not flourish away in words ; SUAV'D, words are no more than fillagree works. Some people Is that he's with the REMNANT of those that are sav'd. may think them an embellishment, but to me 'tis a matter of astonishment, how any one can be so impertinent to the detriment of all rudiment. But, my Grieve not for me, my dearest dear, lord, this is not to be looked at through the mediun I am not dead, but sleeping here ; of right and wrong ; for the law knows no medium, With patience wait, prepare to die, and right and wrong are but its shadows. Now, in And in a short time you'll come to I. the first place, they have called a kitchen my client's I am not griev'd, my dearest life; premises : now a kitchen is nobody's premises ; a Sleep on, I've got another wife ;

WIFE;

OR

ON A WIFE.

FEMALE VIRTUES.

Therefore I cannot come to thee,

Bow for the quarters, and wow for the hour ; For I must go to bed to she.

Nought cares she for the sun or the shower ;

But when, like a ghost all arrayed in its shroud, Thetford in Norfolk.

The wheels of the thunder are muffled in cloud, My GÅANDMOTHER was buried here,

When the moon, sole chandelier of the night, My coUSIN JANE and TWO Uncles dear;

Bathes the blessed earth in light,
My Father perish'd with a mortification in his As wizard to wizard, or witch to witch,
thighs ;

Howleth to heaven this mastiff bitch.
My sister dropp'd down dead in the MINORIES : Buried in thought O’Warren lay,
But the reason why I'm here interr’d, according to Like a village queen on the birth of May,
my thinking,

He listed the tones of Saint Dunstan's clock,
Is owing to my good living, and hard drinking. Of the mastiff bitch and the crowing cock;
If, therefore, GOOD CHRISTIANS, you wish to live But louder, far louder, he listed a roar
long,

Loud as the billow that booms on the shore ;
Don't drink too much wiNE, BRANDY, GIN, or any Bang, bang, with a pause between,
thing strong.

Rung the weird sound at his door, I ween.
Up from his couch he leaped in affright,

Op'd his gray lattice and looked on the night, Dean Swift amused himself with the endings of Then put on his coat, and with harlequin hop words, and particularly upon the word ending in ling! Stood like a phantom in midst of the shop; He says, " I have been very curious in considering In midst of his shop he stood like a sprite, that fruitful word ling, which explains many fine Till peering to left and peering to right, qualities in ladies ; such as grow-ling, rai-ling, tip- Beside his counter with tail in hand, ling, (seldom,) toi-ling, mumb-ling, grumbling, cur- He saw a spirit of darkness stand ; ling, puzz-ling, bust-ling, strol-ling, ramb-ling, quar

I guess 'twas frightful there to see rel-ling, tatt-ling, whift-ling, dabb-ling, doub-ling." A lady so scantily clad as she,

Ugly and old exceedingly.

In height her figure was six feet two, From "Warreniana," a merry jeu d'esprit after the In breadth exactly two feet six, manner of the Rejected Addresses, and consisting of One eye as summer skies was blue, puffs of Warren's blacking, in imitation of the several The other black as the waves of Styx. styles of the leading and best known writers.

Her bloodless lips did aught but pair,

For one was brown and one was fair, Ten minutes to ten by Saint Dunstan's clock,

And clattered like maid in hysteric fit,
And the owl has awakened the crowing cock :

Or jack that turned a kitchen spit;
Cock-a-doodle-doo,

Jesu-Maria! with awe, I trow,
Cock-a-doodle-doo.

O'Warren beheld this worricow,
If he crows at this rate in so thrilling a note,

For dreary and dun the death hue came Jesu-Maria ! he'll catch a sore throat.

O'er her cheek, as she traced the words of fame; Warren, the manufacturer rich,

The words of fame that with mystic fuss Hath a spectral mastiff bitch;

Are hatched from a still-born incubus, To Saint Dunstan's clock, tho' silent enow,

And doom each wight who reads to dwell, She barked her chorus of bow, wow, wow :

Till the birth of day, in the caves of hell,

THE DREAM, OR THE STRAND TRAGEDY.

Oh! read thce not, read thee not, lord of the Strand, The tradesman he laughed at this pitiful sneer,
The spell that subjects thee to elfin command; And drew from his pocket, unmoved by the jeer

Vain hope! the bogle hath marked her hour, Of the gathering demons, blue, yellow, and pink,
And Warren hath read the words of power ; A bottle of blacking more sable than iuk ;-
Letter by letter be traced the spell,

With the waves of the Styx in a jiffey they tried it, Till the sullen toll of Saint Dunstan's bell, But the waves of the Styx looked foolish beside it; And the midnight howl of the mastiff bitch,

You mote as well liken the summer sky,” Announced his doom to the Hallowmas witch, Quoth Warren the bold, "with an Irish stye ; Still in her grandeur she stood by,

The nightingale's note with the cockatoo's whine, Like an oak that uplooketh to sun and sky; As your lily-white river with me or mine." Then shouted to Warren with fitful breath,

Round the brow of Abaddon fierce anger played, “ I'm old mother Nightmare life-in-death ; At the Strand manufacturer's gasconade ; Halloo ! halloo! we may not stay,

And lifting a fist that mote slaughter an ox, Satan is waiting ; away, away ;

He wrathfully challenged his foeman to box • Halloo ! halloo! we've far to go,

Then summoned each demon to form a ring, Then hey for the devil; jee-up! jee-hoe.--" And witness his truculent triumphing.-O'Warren requested a little delay,

The ring was formed and the twain set to,
But the evil one muttered “ too late, by my fay;" Like little Puss with Belasco the Jew,
So he put on his breeches and scampered away. Satan was seconded in a crack,
(They arrive at their destination, and find Satan at home.] By Molineux, the American Black,
Proudly he strode to his palace gate

(Who sported an oath as a civil salam,) Which the witch and the Warren approached in state, While Warren was backed by the ghost of Dutch Sam. But paused at the threshold as onward they came

Gentles, who fondly peruse these lays, And thus, with words of fever and flame,

Wild as a colt o'er the moorland that strays, The tradesman addressed, “ Your name, sir, is Who thrill at each wondrous rede I tell, known,

As fancy roams o'er the floor of hell, As a vender of sables wide over the town;

Now list ye with kindness, the whiles I rehearse But in hell with proviso this praise we must mix,

In shapely pugilistic verse,
For though brilliant your blacking, the water of Styx The quiet of nature,) this desperate mill.

(Albeit my fancy preferreth still
Is blacker by far, and can throw, as it suits,
A handsomer gloss o'er our shoes and our boots.”

The Fight. Answered the Warren with choleric eye,

Both men on peeling showed nerve and bone, Oh, king of the cock-tailed incubi!

And weighed on an average fourteen stone;
The sneer of a fiend to your puffs you may fix, Doft their silk fogle, for battle agog,
But if, what is worse, you assert that your Styx Yellowman, castor, and white upper tog ;
Surpasses my blacking, ('twas clear he was vexed) They sparred for a second their ardour to cool,
By Jove! you will ne'er stick at any thing next. And rushed at each other like bull to bull.
I have dandies who laud me at Paine's and Almack's,

Rounds.
Despite Day and Martin, those emulous quacks,
And they all in one spirit of concord agree,

1. Was a smasher, for Brummagem Bob That my blacking is better than any black sea

Let fly a topper on Beelzebub's nob; Which flows thro' your paltry Avernus, I wis," Then followed him over the ring with ease, “Pshaw," Satan replied, “I'll be d-d if it is." And doubled him up by a blow in the squeeze,

THE SEVEN AGES.

2. Satan was cautious in making play,

-he says Yes ! so he take him home-no danger he But stuck to his sparring and pummelled away; be cross! no, no! Squaw know too well what Indian Till the ogles of Warren look'd queer in their hue do if he cross !-throw him away and take another ! (Here, bets upon Beelzebub; three to two.) Squaw love to eat meat! no husband ! no meat! 3. Fibbings, and facers, and toppers abound, Squaw do every thing to please husband! he do the But Satan, it seems, had the worse of the round,

same to please Squaw! live happy!" 4. Satan was floored by a lunge in the hip, And the blood from his peepers went drip, drip, All the world's a stage, drip,

And all the men and women merely players! Like fat from a goose in the dripping-pan, Or ale from the brim of a flowing can;

They have their exits, and their entrances;

And one man in his time plays many parts, His bo.r of dominos chattered aloud, (Here, Go it, Nick!" from an imp in the crowd,)

His acts being seven ages. At first, the infant, And he dropped with a Lancashire purr on his Newling and puking in the nurse's arms ;

And then, the whining school-boy, with his satchel, back, While Bob with a clincher fell over him, whack.

And shining morning face, creeping like snail

Unwillingly to school ; And then, the lover ; 5. Both men piping came up to the scratch, Sighing like furnace, with woful ballad

But Bob' for Abaddon was more than a match; Made to his mistress' eyebrow. Then, a soldier; He tapped his claret, his mug he rent,

Full of strange oaths, and bearded like the pard, And made him so groggy with punishment, Jealous in honour, sudden and quick in quarrel, That he gladly gave in at the close of the round, Seeking the bubble reputation And Warren in triumph was led from the ground. Even in the candon's mouth. And then, the justice ;

In fair round belly, with good capon lin'd,

With eyes severe, and beard of formal cut, An aged Indian, who for many years had spent Full of wise saws and modern instances, uch of his time among the white people both in And so he plays his part : The sixth age shifts Pennsylvania and New Jersey, ove day about the Into the lean and slipper'd pantaloon ; year 1770 observed that the Indians had not only a With spectacles on nose, and pouch on side ; much easier way of getting a wife than the whites, His youthful hose well sav'd, a world too wide but were also more certain of getting a good one ; For his shrunk shank; and his big manly voice,

For,” (said he in his broken English) “White man Turning again toward childish treble, pipes court,-court,--may be one whole year !-may be And whistles in the sound: Last scene of all two years before he marry !-well !—may be then That ends this strange eventful history, got very good wife—but may be not !--may be very Is second childishness, and mere oblivion ; cross !--Well now, suppose cross ! scold so soon as Sans teeth, sans eyes, sans taste, sans every thing. get awake in the morning ! scold all day ! scold until sleep; all one !-he must keep him! White people have law forbidding throwing away wife, be he ever I have read in a book, says a certain author, that so cross ! must keep him always! Well! how does when a peasant, during the troubles of Charles the Fist, Indian do! - Indian, when he see industrious Squaw, found the crown in a bush, he showed it all marks of which he like, he go to him, place his two fore-fingers reverence ; but I will go a step farther, for though I close aside each other, make two look like one-look should find the king's coinmission even upon a beau. Squaw in the face-see him smile which is all one ble, still I shall respect it.

MATRIMONY AND DIVORCE.

ULTRA LOYALTY.

RIVAL LIARS.

I send in this parcel from Bet, A French nobleman, addressing himself to three

An old spelling book to be bound,

A cornelian brooch to be set, of bis servants, promised to reward the one who should tell him the greatest lie. The first said that

And some razors of pa's to be ground. he never had told a lie-the second averred that he

O dear, what a memory have I ! could not tell one--the third candidate, however,

Notwithstanding all Deborah's hints, proved himself the best adept in the art, and obtained

I've forgotten to tell you to buy, the prize, for he assured his master that both his fel

A skein of white worsted from Flint's. low.servants had just told him the truth!

THE DEVIL'S TAVERN.
COUNTRY COMMISSIONS.

The devil's tavern, immortalized by Ben Jonson, Dear cousin, I write this in haste,

was situated in Fleet street, near Temple-bar, on the To beg you will get for mamma

site where Child's-place now stands. The poet wrote A pot of best jessamine paste,

hiz Leges Conviviales for a club of wits who assemAnd a pair of shoe-buckles for pa',

bled in a room at this tavern, which he dedicated to At Exeter Change ;-then just pop

Apollo, over the chimney of which the laws were Into Aldersgate-street for the prints

preserved. And while you are there you can stop,

In an ancient MS. preserved at Dulwich College, For a skein of white worsted at Flint's.

there are some of this comic writer's memoranda, Papa wants a new razor strop.

which prove that he owed much of his inspiration And mamma wants a Chinchilli muff;

to good wine, and the convivial hours he passed at Little Bobby's in want of a top,

this tavern. The following passages from the MS. And my aunt wants six-pen'orth of spuff. justify the opinion. Just call in St. Martin's-le-Grand

"Mem. I laid the plot of my Volpone, and wrote For some goggles for Mary, (who squints) most of it, after a present of ten dozen of palm sack, Get a pound of bee's-wax in the Strand, from my very good Lord T-; that play, I am posi

And the skein of white worsted at Flint's. tive, will last to posterity, and be acted, when I and And while you are there you may stop

envy be friends, with applause. Por some Souchong in Monument-yard;

• Mem. The first speech in my Catiline, spoken And while you are there you can pop

by Sylla's ghost, was writ after I parted with my Into Mary-la-bonne for some lard;

friend at the Devil's Tavern; I had drank well that And while you are there you can call

night, and had brave notions. There is one scene in For sorne silk of the latest new tints

that play which I think is flat. I resolve to drink no At the mercer's, not far from White-hall: more water with my wine. And remember the worsted at Flint's.

“ Mem. Upon the 20th of May, the king (heaven And while you are there, 'twere as well

reward him) sent me a hundred pounds. At that If you'd call in Whitechapel, to see

time I went oftentimes to the Devil ; and before I For the needles; and then in Pall-Mall,

had spent forty of it, wrote my Alchymist. For some lavender water for me:

“ Nem. The Devil an Assa, the Tale of a Tub, And while you are there you can go

and some other comedies which did not succeed, To Wapping, to old Mr. Chint's

written by me (in the winter honest Raiph died) But all this you may easily do

when I and my boys drank bad wine at the Devil.". When you get the white worsted at Flint's.

« VorigeDoorgaan »