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Here dwells strong Conviction, of Logic the glory,
When us'd with precision a posteriori,

It promotes circulation, and thrills through each
vein,

The faculties quickens, and purges the brain.
Whatever disorders prevail in the blood,
The Birch can correct them, like guaiacum wood.
So luscious its juice is, so sweet are its twigs,
That at Sheffield we call them the Walkley-bank
figs.

As the fam'd rod of Circe to brutes would change

men,

So the twigs of the Birch can unbrute them again.
Like the rod of the Sybil, that branch of pure
gold,

These twigs can the gate of Egysium unfold;
That Elysium of learning, where pleasures abound,
These fruits that still flourish on classical ground.
Then if such be its virtues, we'll bow to the tree,
And Birch, like the Muses, immortal shall be.

LUCKY LOSS.

bearing down upon the Spanish fleet, whether he had reckoned the number of the enemy? No," replied the captain, "it will be time enough to do that, when we have made them strike."

PURCHASING A HUSBAND.

A country girl, desirous of matrimony, received from her mistress a present of a five-pound banknote for her marriage-portion. Her mistress wished to see the object of Susan's favour; and a very diminutive fellow, swarthy as a Moor, and ugly as an ape, made his appearance. "Ah. Susan," said her mistress, "what a strange choice you have made!"—“La, ma'am,” said Susan, "in such hard times as these, when almost all the tall fellows are gone for soldiers, what more of a man than this can you expect for a five-pound note ?"

A COMPARISON.

It is with narrow-souled people, as with narrownecked bottles-the less they have in them, the

THE RETORT.

A clergyman being one day engaged in examin-more noise they make in pouring it out. ing his parishioners, and finding them extremely ignorant, spoke of the punishment that awaited the wicked in a future world; observing, that they “would be cast into a place of utter dark-at ness, where there would be weeping, and wailing, and gnashing of teeth."-" Let them gnash that have teeth," cried an old woman from a corner of the church; "for my part, I have had none these thirty years."

Two girls of fashion entered an assembly-room, the time when a fat citizen's wife was quitting

KING JAMES THE FIRST.

it.

there's beef a-la-mode going out."-“Yes,” "Ah," said one of them, in an audible voice, answered the object of their ridicule," and game going in."

MATRIMONIAL REGULATIONS.

A man being brought up by his wife, who had sworn the peace against him, after being informThis monarch mounting a horse that was un-ed by the sitting magistrate of the charge laid ruly, said, "The deil tak' my saul, sirrah, an ye be na quiet, I'll send ye to the five hundred kings in the House of Commons:-They'll soon tame you."

COURAGE.

An officer in Admiral Lord St. Vincent's fleet, asking one of the captains, who was gallantly

against him, he asked permission to say summat in his exculpitation.

"Well," said the worthy magistrate," you are at liberty to say any thing you please in your defence."

"Why, then, please your worship, I caun show as how my wife took the law into her hands before I baisted her at all."

THE LAUGHING PHILOSOPHER.

Magistrate" Did she strike you first?" FORTITUDE OF A SAILOR. Husband." No, your worship, but if you'll please to hear my tale, you shall know all about A veteran, at the battle of Trafalgar, who was it; first, if you'll please to hear me, you must actively employed at one of the guns, having his know that I is of a very hot temper, and she's leg shot off below the knee, observed to an officer, plaguy hot well as I; well, so you know, "That's but a shilling touch; an inch higher and says I to her yan morning, Bessy, my lass, we'll split our I should have had my eighteen-pence for it ;" aldisturbances, t'ane of us shall be maister yan year, The same man, as they were lifting him on a broJuding to the scale of pensions allowed for wounds. and t'other of next year, in regular succension; ther tar's shoulders, said to one of his friends, well, please your worship, she agreed to this regu-Bob, take a look for my leg, and give me the larment, and she been't maister all t'last year; the time you know, that her time expired was last silver buckle out of my shoe; I'll do as much for Friday four months. Well, your worship, of Fri- you, please God, some other time."

day four month's I told you that I was ganning to
be't maister; well, do you know, your worship,
she took tlaw into her own hands, and said she'd
be felled if she would'nt remain maister for t'next
year; so I has put up with the degradation tili
last Friday wer'nt it that day, Bessy ?"
Wife." Till last Friday.'
Husband. Well, and then as how I thought
t'law wad authorize me to baist her, as she had
Ja'en t'law into her hands. (Much laughter.)

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Magistrate.- Woman, what have you to say to this ingenuous defence?"

Wife." Please, your worship, I know I'se guilty of the alledgement he has lain again me; I'se sorry for what I've done! I hope as that you'll forgive me this time, and I'll try him (pointing to her husband) till he misbehaves himself again."

The magistrate then advised her in future to let her husband be the master, and, after making mu tual promises to kiss and be friends, they retired.

JUSTIFICATION.

A dogy.ng open-mouthed at a serjeant upon a march, he ran the spear of his halbert into his throat and killed him. The owner was quite indignant that his dog was killed, and asked the serjeant why he could not as well have struck at Dim with the blunt end of his halbert?" So I would," said he, “if he had run at me with his tail."

A DOTING HUSBAND.

At the time when Frederick Moul was engaged in translating Lebanius, a servant came to tell him, that his wife, who had long been in a declining state, was very ill, and wished to speak to bim. 66 Stop a minute, stop a minute," said he,

66

I have but two sentences to finish, and then Ỉ
will be with her directly." Another messenger
came to announce, that she was at the last gsp.
and then I'll fly to her."
"I have but two words to write," answered he,
A moment after word

was brought to him, that she had expired.
"Alas! I am very sorry for it," exclaimed the
"she was the best wife in the
tranquil husband,
world!" Having uttered this brief funeral ora
tion. he went on with his work.

MATRIMONIAL AFFECTION.

In a village in Picardy, a farmer's wife, after long sickness, fell into a lethargy. Her husband was willing, good man, to believe her out of pain; and so, according to the custom of that country, she was wrapped in a sheet, and carried out to be buried, But, as ill-luck would have it, the bearers carried her so neara hedge, that the thorns pierced the sheet, and waked the woman from her trance. Some years after, she died in reality; and, as the funeral passed along, the husband would every now and then call out Not too near the hedge, not too near the hedge, neighbours.

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This bard interrupted the servile etiquette of kneeling to the king. "I myself," said the water poet, 66 'gave a book to King James once, in the great chamber at Whitehall, as his majesty came from the chapel. The Duke of Richmond said merrily to me: Taylor, where did you learn the manners to give the king a book and not kneel?'-"My lord," said I, “if it please your grace, I do give now; but when I beg any thing, then I will kneel."

PRUDENT DELAY.

A plasterer and his boy being employed to whitewash a house by the day, were so tedious that the owner one day asked the lad, in his master's absence, when he thought they would have done. The boy bluntly replied, "that his master was looking out for another job; and if he found one they should make an end that week."

THE CITIZEN.

A constant frequenter of city feasts having grown enormously fat, it was proposed to write on his back, widened at the expense of the corporation.

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At a recent city dinner, the chairman proposed, a health, but neglected to pass the bottle; upon dent, I will thank you for some wine, for a drywhich a facetious citizen exclaimed," Mr. Presi toast always gives me the heart-burn.”

A NEW MODE OF SAVING MONEY FROM
ROBBERS.

Once on a time, 'tis said, that Hounslow-heath
Was by a gang of robbers sore infested,
Who with the sword of justice boldly jested,
Till Mister Kirby's necklace stopp'd their breath.
Three doughty officers of volunteers,
Knights of the thimble (fame reports) and sheers,
Stopping at Hounslow in a chaise and pair,
Ask'd fiercely if the Heath was safe from thieves:
" Yes, sir," replied the ostler," I believes;
Besides, what needs such warlike gemmen
care ?"

The ostler had a friend that lurk'd at hand,

A tribute-gatherer on the road-no worse;
Who, viewing slily this redoubted band,
Swore each should pay the forced loan of his
purse,

Or put, to speak more like a politician,
Their mouey in a state of requisition!

Away then rode he to wait for his prey;
The heroes paid their score, and off went they,
But, ere they half the heath had cross'd,
They found the chevalier upon his post

D

He stopped the chaise—“ Gemmen," says he, " I|tains and bewailed her virginity." And a reve

hear

This road is horribly by rogues beset; And, though such valiant men despise all fear, Perhaps you'll be in danger if you're met." At this their powder'd locks began to bristle; "What shall we do?"--they cried, "oh, tell us what!"

"Why, gemmen," says the rogue, and shew'd a pistol

"Best leave your cash with me, I'll tell you that." "What! all our money? Nay, for goodness hold."

"Yes, all-quick, quick!" replied the rogue,
68 your gold!

Make haste your watches too must be unfobb'd;
Or d― my buttons, sirs, but you'll be robb`d!"

THE MISER.

rend dean, who published a sermon for the benefit of the poor clergy in a provincial diocese, properly enough selected the following:-" Set on the great pot and secth pottage for the sous of the prophets."

NAVAL PUN.

A gentleman enquiring of a naval officer why sailors generally take off their shirts when going into action, was answered," that they were unwilling to have any check to fighting." PROFESSIONAL DUTIES MUST BE PERFORMED.

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An attorney presenting a copy of a writ to an auctioneer apologised for his unfriendly visit, as he was merely performing an unpleasant duty of his profession. "Certainly not," said the auctioneer, 'you must attend to the duties of your A miser, who had carefully deposited his darl-profession and so must I to mine;" and instantly ing treasure under a hedge, one day found that knocked him down. the hoard was gone. His cries and lamentations attracted several persons, and an unfeeling wag remarked," it was very surprising the old gentleman should lose his money, as it was put into the

bank."

APPROPRIATE TEXTS.

Some of our reverend gentlemen, who are denominated popular preachers, display great ingenuity in their choice of suitable texts. At an anniversary sermon before the Chelsea pensioners, a discourse was a few days since delivered from the following apposite text :-" Remember thy Creator in the days of thy youth, before the evil days come, and the days in which thou shalt say, I have no pleasure in them." A gentleman, who preached a sermon before the society for recovering persons apparently drowned; selected the following:Trouble not yourselves about him, for he is not dead." For a wedding sermon preached a short time since, at a country town in Shropshire, a reverend gentleman took part of the story of Jepthah's daughter:-" And she went upon the moun

THE CROWN.

A country sculptor was once ordered to engrave on a tombstone the following words: "A virtuous woman is a crown to her husband.” But the stone being small he engraved on it, "A virtuous woman is 5s. to her husband."

A MAGISTRATE NO SAILOR.

A sailor who had been making a riot, was taken before a justice, who ordered him to find bail. " I have no bail," said Jack. "Then I'li commit you," said the justice. "You will !" said the sailor," then the Lord send you the rope that stops the wind when the ship's at anchor.""What do you mean by that?" said the justice, "Why," said Jack, "it's the hanging rope at the yard-arm."

ON CHARACTERS.

When death puts out our flame the snuff will tell,
If we were wax or tallow by the smell.

ADDISON AND STEELE.

A gentleman dining with another, praised very much the meat, and asked who was the butcher? "His name is Addison."-" Addison!" echoed the guest, "pray is he any relation to the poet?" "In all probability he is, for he is seldom without his steel (Steele) by his side."

SHUTER, THE COMEDIAN.

SHAKESPEARE'S COOKERY.

Two gentlemen were disputing at a coffee-house upon the best mode of cooking a beef-steak, and enumerating the different processes for bringing it to table in the highest perfection. Mr. Wewitzer observed, that of all the methods of cooking a beef-steak, he thought Shakespeare's recipe the shortest and the best. Upon being asked for an explanation. Why, gentlemen," said Wewitzer," it is this:

'twere well

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LIKE A PUPPY.

A friend overtaking Shuter one day in the street, said to him, “ Why, Ned, are you not ashamed to. If when 'twere done, 'twere well done, then walk the streets with twenty holes in your stockings? why don't you get them mended?"-"No." It were done quickly? my friend," said Ned, "I am above it; and if you have the pride of a gentleman, you will act like me, and walk with twenty holes rather than have one darn."-" How," replied the other, "How do you make that out?"-"Why," re plied Ned, a hole is the accident of the day bat a darn is premeditated poverty."

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ON THE LAW.

Unhappy Chremes, neighbour to a peer,
Kept half his sheep, and fatted half his deer;
Each day his gates thrown down, his fences
broke,

And injur'd still the more, the more he spoke,
At last resolv'd his potent foe to awe,
And guard his right by statute, and by law!
A suit in Chancery the wretch begun,
Nine happy terms through bill and answer
run,

Obtain'd his cause, had costs, and was undone.

MILITARY Discipline.

A gentleman observed to a lady, that since a recent illness, a mutual friend of theirs spoke very much like a puppy, “likely enough,” replied the lady," for I hear, that by order of the doctor he has lately taken to bark."

NEW RAPE OF THE LOCK.
Last night as o'er the page of Love's despair,
My Delia bent deliciously to grieve,

I stood a treacherous loiterer by her chair,
And drew the fatal scissors from my sleeve.
She heard the steel her beauteous lock divide,
And whilst my heart with transport panted big,
She cast a fury frown on me, and cried,
"You stupid puppy,-you have spoil'd my
wig."

THE KISS.

The author of the comedy called the Kiss, sent a copy of the piece as soon as published to a young lady, informing her that he had been wishing for many months for the present opportunity of giving her a kiss."

A swaggering commissioned officer, who, unfortunately for his pride, was no other than the son of an honest mender of soles, chanced to let his cane fall severely on the shoulders of a poor private, Why don't you move, you scoundrel, with alaerity!" cried the officer. "Bless your honour," replied the man," how is it possible; the shoes A young officer not over fond of fighting, waityour father made me pinch me so!" It is almost ed on the commander on the eve of a battle, to rennecessary to add the drill was speedily dismissed.quest leave of absence to visit his father and

A COMMANDMENT KEPT.

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