Stopp'd short at once the dismal yell, And made his glistening eyeballs glow with ire. Whoe'er has felt blithe Cupid's golden dart, Tipt with that Mohawk Jealousy's cursed poison, Won't wonder our young squire should start To fix his willow-weeping eyes on A gift to neighbour Hezekiah, Who had just robbed his arms of prime Miss Howe'er he plaited o'er his frantic face, Tho' most tremendously against the grain, When father safely in the ground was lain. (Which, to be sure, was wonderous civil) Friend Hez, I find part of a barn, Dinah. Has been bequeathed thee by my honoured sire- When of the eastern part I make a fire!" KEEPING A SECRET. 99 66 66 Dr. Paul Hiffernan, an author of no celebrity, but kept in countenance by Garrick, sober or drunk never revealed his residence: he frequented the coffeehouses, and had his letters addressed there, but he ever adroitly evaded letting any one know where he lodged. The wits and wags of the day tried every Duke of Northumberland, used to spend his evenexpedient, but in vain. Mr. Dossie, secretary to the ings at Slaughter's coffee-house, and he had the eccentric, or odd way of insisting upon seeing the last of the company home; and, as Hiffernan was no starter from the bottle, they were frequently the last. The latter, however, had the address to defeat his friend's politeness; for finding that apologies," and "declining the friendly office,' that he lodged a long way off," &c., all in vain, he then fairly set out towards the city. Dossie persisted till he had got to St. Paul's church-yard: "Pray. doctor, do you live much farther ?"-"Oh yes, sir!" says the doctor, and on that account I told you it would be giving you a great deal of trouble." This revived the other's civility, and on they marched till they reached the Royal Exchange. Here the question was asked again, when the doctor, who found him lagging, and thought he could venture to name some place, replied, that he lived at Bow." This answer decided the contest; Mr. D. confessing he was not able to walk so far, and wishing the doctor a good night, walked back to his lodgings, near Charing Cross, with great composure. And as soon as Mr. Dossie had fairly got the start, Dr. Hiffernau walked home to his own lodgings, in one of the little courts in St. Martin's Lane. BOWELS OF COMPASSION. Caroline, queen of George II. died of a mortification in her bowels, and her body was twisted with towels; the usual method practised in that disorder. As she would not be reconciled to her son even on her death-bed, the circumstance gave rise to the following lines: Here lies wrapt up in twenty towels, The only proof that Caroline had bowels. TORYISM. Lord Chesterfield, on seeing a lady who was a puted jacobite, adorned with orange ribands, at the anniversary ball at Dublin, in memory of William, thus addressed her extempore. Thou little tory, where's the jest PUFFING BURLESQUED. the curtain drew up but, when she came to the re-scene of parting with her wedding-ring, ah! what a sight was there! the very fiddlers in the orchestra, king" albeit, unused to the melting mood," blubbered like hungry children crying for their bread and butter; and when the bell rang for music between the acts, the tears ran from the bassoon players' eyes in such plentiful showers, that they choked the fingerstops, and making a spout of the instrument, poured in such torrents on the first fiddler's book, that, not seeing the overture was in two sharps, the leader of the band actually played in one flat. But the sobs and sighs of the groaning audience, and the noise of corks drawn from the smelling bottles, prevented the One hundred and nine ladies fainted! forty-six went mistake between the flats and sharps being discovered. The following whimsical account of Mrs. Siddons's first appearance in Dublin, is extracted from an old Irish newspaper.-"On Saturday, Mrs. Siddons, about whom all the world has been talking, exposed her beautiful, adamantine, soft, and lovely person, for the first time, at Smock-Alley Theatre, in the bewitch-into fits! and ninety-five had strong hysterics! The ing, melting, and all-tearful character of Isabella. world will scarcely credit the truth, when they are From the repeated panegyrics in the impartial London told that fourteen children, five old women, one hundred tailors, and six common-councilmen, were acnewspapers, we were taught to expect the sight of a heavenly angel; but how were we supernaturally tually drowned in the inundation of tears that flowed surprised into the most awful joy, at beholding a from the galleries, the slips, and the boxes, to inmortal goddess. The house was crowded with hun-crease the briny pond in the pit; the water was three dreds more than it could hold, with thousands of admiring spectators, that went away without a sight. This extraordinary phenomenon of tragic excellence! this star of Melpomene ! this comet of the stage! this sun of the firmament of the Muses! this moon of blank verse! this queen and princess of tears! this Donnellan of the poisoned bowl! this empress of the pistol and dagger! this chaos of Shakspeare! this world of weeping clouds! this Juno of commanding aspects! this Terpsichore of the curtains and scenes! this Proserpine of fire and earthquake! this Katter felto of wonders! exceeded expectation, went beyond belief, and soared above all the natural powers of description! She was nature itself! She was the most exquisite work of art! She was the very daisy, primrose, tuberose, sweet-brier, furze-blossom, gilliflower, wallflower, cauliflower, aurica, and rosemary! In short, she was the bouquet of Parnassus! Where expe tation was raised so high, it was thought she would be injured by her appearance; but it was the audience who were injured: several fainted before feet deep, and the people that were obliged to stand THE CHURCHWARDEN, OR THE FEAST ON A CHILD. The phrase "eating a child," is probably of mysterious import to many persons, though perfectly well understood by those versed in the dialect used among parochial officers. To assist the uninitiated, the following story, founded on fact, may be a sufficient illustration. At Knightsbridge, at a tavern calied the Swan, Ordered a dinner, for themselves and friends; Their lips, wild licking, every man commends. That stopped so close and lovingly the bottle: Deep and deep-blushing from the generous pottle. Yes, Larder skipped like harlequin so light; In bread, beer, wine, removal swift of dishes, Nimbly anticipating all their wishes Now this, to man voracious as a kite, Not to be mixed indeed with whores and flames : In came the landlord with a cherub smile : And then he bowed again in such a style! "Hoped gemmen liked the dinner and the wine:" To whom the gemmen answered, " Very fine A glorious dinner, Larder, to be sure."- Now in an altered tone-a tone of gravity, Did Mister Guttle, the churchwarden, call- Yet which, like claps of thunder, did confound, "Do you know any thing of Betty Broom?" "Sir?" answered Larder, stammering-"Sir? what sir, 1 Yes, sir, yes-yes-she lived with Mistress Larder; But may I never move, nor never stir, If but for impudence we did discard her! No, Mister Guttle-Betty was too brassyWe never keep a servant that is saucy." "But, landlord-Betty says she is with child." "What's that to me ?" quoth Larder, looking wild— "I never kissed the hussy in my life, Nor hugged her round the waist, nor pinched her cheek; Never once put my hand upon her neck— Lord, sir, you know that I have got a wife. I had been wicked with the girl-alack, Then quickly in the fire had been the fat- It was impossible to be unchaste: Therefore it never can be true, you see- "Well," answered Guttle, "Man, I'll tell ye whatYour wind and eloquence you now are wasting: Whether Miss Betty hit your taste or not, There's good round proof enough that you've been But Betty was not a bad piece of stuff."- And that, I'm sure, is swearing strong enough." Now Betty came and said she'd swear at once- The Lord have mercy, Larder, on thy sconce. You could not put your nose into a shop- Writing elephants !-Calus Rhodiginus says, that [all-elephants have been sometimes known to write. us, that With Mrs. Bobbin, Salmon, Muff, and Slop, With fifty others of such old compeers—— Zounds, what a hornet's nest about thy ears!" From cheerful smiles, and looks, like Sol, bright, Poor Larder fell to looks as black as night; And now his head he scratched, importing For people who are innocent indeed, Large tortoises.-Diodorus Siculus tells the tortoises in the Indian sea are so large, that the people sail in their shells on the rivers, as well as in little cock-boats. A bull changing his colour like the chameleon.→→ Macrobius describes a wonderful bull in the city of Hermynta, that the people worshipped, which changed so his colour every hour in the day, A Woman becoming a man.-Pliny says, (see also Cicero de Divinatione,) that Lelia Cossuria, being a guilt-woman, was turned into a man upon the day of her marriage. Never look down, so black, and scratch the head; In native bloom she walks the world with state: But falsehood is a meretricious fair, Painted and mean, and shuffling in her gait ; That all the world will find her out. That shrinking show when tongues tell lies- Each word so heavy, like a cart-horse drawing Large ants.-Rhodius says, the ants in India are larger than foxes. Women more modest when drowned than men. Pliny tells us, that a dead body in the water, if it be a man, in rising, hath his face upward towards heaven; but, if it be a woman, she ariseth with her face downward. Some men walk after their heads are cut offAverroes de Med. said, that he saw a poor unfortunate patient, who, having his head taken off, walked to and fro, for a small while, in sight of all the people. It is also written of Dionysius Aeropagita, that, after his head was smitten off, he walked certain paces. Some say it was a league and more from the place of his execution. St. Denys did the same. Peacock's flesh will never corrupt.-This is demonstrated by St. Augustine, when treating of the resurrection! A talking ox.—Livy gravely relates, that an ox, in full market, cried out-"Rome! take care of thyself.". A talking dog.-Pliny, in his 8th book, tells us, that a dog spoke when Tarquin was driven from the throne. A talking rook.-Suetonius says, a rook exclaimed in the capitol, when they were going to assassinate Domitian, "Estai panta kalon.”—Well done. Hewing blocks with a razor.-Livy says, that king Priscus, defying the powers of an augur, desired him to cut a whetstone in two with a razor as a proof of his magic, which he did! An old gentleman who drank no liquid.-Pliny, in his Natural History, tells of a gentleman, whose name was Julius Viator, at Rome, who, having been prescribed not to drink largely, in all his old age forbore to drink at all. lus, in Africa, had to contend with, and at length killed, such a serpent by stoning him; the serpent's hide was sent to Rome. A man born laughing.-Pliny says, that Zoroaster laughed the same day wherein he was born; and that the brain of this young philosopher so panted and beat, that it would raise up the hands of those who laid them on his head. Triton.-Pausanias relates a story of a monstrously large triton, which often came on shore in the meadows of Boeotia. Over his head was a kind of finny cartilage, which, at a distance, appeared like hair; the body covered with brown scales; and nose and ears like the human; the mouth of a dreadful width, jagged with teeth, like those of a panther; the eyes of a greenish hue; the hands divided into fingers, the nails of which were crooked, and of a shelly substance. This monster, whose extremities A boy losing fifty-seven years of his life in sleep.-ended in a tail, like a dolphin, devoured both men and Pliny tells of Epimenides the gnostic, who, when a beasts as they chanced in his way. The citizens of boy, being wearied with heat and travel, laid himself Tanagra at last contrived his destruction. They set down in a certain cave, and there slept fifty-seven a large vessel, full of wine, on the sea-shore; Triton years; then awaking, he marvelled (like Nourjahad) got drunk with it, and fell into a profound sleep; in at the great changes he observed in the world. Men with dogs' heads and tails, and fountains of liquid gold.-Pliny tells of men in India with dogs' heads; others with only one leg, though perfect Achilles' for swiftness of foot; of a nation of pigmies; of some who lived by the smell; of tribes who had only one eye in their forehead; and of some whose ears hung down to the ground.-Ctesias, as cited by Photius, talks of fountains of liquid gold, and of men with tails in India-true we ought to remember, that Fernando Alarchon, a Spanish voyager, of undoubted credit, saw men with tails on the coast of California; and that several others have seen men with dogs' heads. Monboddo rejoiced at this testimony, although Alarchon tells us that these tails were discovered to be fictitious; and we are also assured, that the dog-headed men were found to wear vizards. As to the fountains of gold, the Indian legends say so metaphorically, and so they are credited as real. A serpent one hundred and twenty feet long. Valerius Maximus says, that the artillery of Regu which condition the Tanagrians beheaded him, and afterwards, with great propriety, hung up his body in the temple of Bacchus: where, says Pausanias, it continued a long time. Five hundred thousand wild beasts killed in the Coliseum.-Historians say, that on the first day of the opening of the Coliseum, at Rome, Titus produced five hundred thousand wild beasts, which were all killed in the arena. WOMANHOOD, IN IMITATION OF CHAUCER. Right welle of lerned clerkis it is said, |