master, and, provided his servants humour his pecu- | Don't cut so far down, liarities, tlatter his vanity a little now and then, and

Said Alderinan Brown; do not peculate grossiy on him before his face, they But nearer the fin, may manage him to perfection. Every thing that

Said Alderman Glyn. lives on liim seems to thrive and grow fat. His house I've finish'd, i'faith man, servants are well paid, and pampered, and have little

Said Alderman Waithman to do. His horses are sleek and lazy, and prance

And I too, i'tatking, slowly before his state carriage ; and his house dogs

Said Alderman Atkins. sleep quietly about the door, and will hardly bark at They've crimp'd this cod drolly, a house-breaker,

Said Alderman Scholey ; John, with all his odd humours and obstinate pre 'Tis bruised at the ridges, judices, is a sterling-hearted old blade. He may not Said Alderman Brydges. be so wonderfully fine a fellow as he thinks himseif, Was it caught in a drag ? Nay, but he is at least twice as good as his neighbours re

Said Alderman Magnay. present him. His virtues are all his own; all plain, 'Twas brought by two men, homebred and unaffected. Ilis very faults smack of

Said Alderman Ven. the raciness of his good qualities. His extravagance ables : Yes, in a box, savours of his generosity ; his quarrelsomeness of his

Said Alderman Cox. courage; his credulity of his open faith ; his vanity They care not how fur 'tis, of liis pride; and his bluntness of his sincerity. They

Saiil Alderman Curtis. are all the redundancies of rich and liberal character. From air kept, and from sun, He is like his own oak; rough without, but sound Said Alderman Thompson ; and solid within; whose bark abounds with excres Pack'd neatly in straw, cences in proportion to the growth and grandeur of

Said Alderman Shaw: the timber; and whose branches make a fearful In ice got from Gunter, groaning and murmuring in the least storm, from

Said Alderman Hunter. their very magnitude and luxuriance.

This ketchup is sour,

Said Alderman Flower;

Then steep it in claret,

Said Aldermap Garret.
Is that dace or perch?

Said Alderman Birch ;
I take it for herring,


poor cavalier corporal being condemned to die, Said Alderman Perring.

wrote this letter to his wife the day before he expected This jack's very good,

to suffer, thinking it would come to hand after his Said Alderman Wood ;

But its bones might a man slay,

Said Alderman Ansley.

“Hoping you are in good health, as I am at this I'll butier what I get,

present writing, this is to let you know, that vester. Said Alderman Heygate,

day, between the hours of eleven and twelve, I Give me some stew'd carp,

was hanged, drawn, and quartered. I died very Said Alderman Thorp.

penitently, and every body thought my case very The roe's dry as pith,

bard. Remember me kindly to my poor fathe: 'ess Said Aldermen Smith.


“ Yours, till death,

" W. P."




" tho' my

dressed upon.


the enemy on foot ; " for," said the king, A head, to speak in the gardener's style, is a mere horse runs away with me, I am sure my legs will bulbous excrescence, growing out from between the not.” shoulders like a wen, it is supposed to be a mere ex

SAVING ONE'S BACON. pletive, just to wear a hat on, to fill up the hollow of a wig, to take snuff with, or have

Mr. C., partner of Miss Bacon at the York Assembly, hair your

sat down after the dance in the Love-corner, so

called at the rooms, when one of the dancers asked Some of these heads are manufactured in wood, C. why he saved himself, and did not stand up; he some in paste-board, which is a hint to show there answered, “ he did not want to save bimself, but to may not only be block-heads, but also paper-skulls.

save his Bacon." Physicians acquaint us that, upon any fright or alarm, the spirits fly up into the head, and the blood rushes violently back to the heart : hence it is [Addressed to Miss Little, who was very short in politicians compare the human constitution, and the

stature, on her marriage.] nation's constitution, together ; they supposing the When any thing abounds we find head to be the court end of the town, and the hear:

That nobody will have it, the country; for people in the country seem to But when there's little of the kind, be taking things to heart, and people at court only One and all we crave it. seem to wish to be at the head of things.

If wives are evils, as 'tis known, We make a mighty bustle about the twenty-four And wofully confess'd, letters; how many changes they can ring, and how The man who's wise will surely own many volumes they have composed ; yet, let us look A little one is best. upon the many millions of mankind, and see if any The God of love's a little wight, two faces are alike. Nature never designed several But beautiful as thought; faces which we see, it is the odd exercise they give Thou, too, art little, fair as light, the muscles belonging to their visages occasions such And all that's sweet-in short! looks. As for example ; we meet in the streets with 0, happy girl ! all think thee so, several people talking to themselves, and seem much

So thinks the poet's songs pleased with such self-conversation ; some people we “ Man wants but little here below, see starting at every thing, and wondering with a Nor wants that little long." foclish face of praise ; some laughing, some crying. Now crying and laughing are contrary effects, the least alteration of features occasions the difference, it is

The following curious notice was affixed to the returning up the muscles to laugh, and dowr to cry. sidence of a gentleman, whose premises bad suífered

Yet laughter is much mistaken, no person being much from nightly depredators :-" Those persons, capable of laughing, who is incapable of thinking. who have been in the habit of stealing my fence for For some people, suddenly break aloud into violent a considerable time past, are respectfully informed, spasms, ha, ha, ha! and then, without any grada- that, if equally agreeable to them, it will be more tion, change at once into downright stupidity. convenient to me if they would steal my wood, and

leave the fence for the present ; and as it may be George II. commanded at the battle of Dettingen, some little inconvenience to get over the palings, the and his horse ran away with him into the French gate is left open for their accommodation. lives, on which his majesty alighted, and charged

(Signed) S. SWIFT."





CHASTITY. An English lady asked the mother abbess of a con Prepare for death, if here at night you roam vent at Paris, if the nuns kept the vow of chastity. And sign your will before you sup from homne. · Yes," said the abbess, “I can venture to afiirm it. Some tiery top, with new commission vain, For if it be a crime to cuckold an earthly husband, Who sleeps on brambles till he kills his man; how much more a heavenly one."

Some frolic drunkard, reeling from a feast,

Provokes a broil, and stabs you for a jest. EXTEMPORE GP.ACE BY BEN JONSON, BEFORE KING

„Yet e'en these heroes, mischievously gay, Our Ki and Queen, the Lord God bless,

Lords of the strect, and rerrors of the way; The Palsgrave, and the Lady Besse,

Flushi'd as they are with folly, youth, and wine, And God bless every living thing

Their prudent insults to the poor contine; That lives and breathes and loves the King.

Afar they mark the fianbeau's bright approach, God bless the council of estate,

And shun the sbining train and golden coach. And Buckingham the fortunate,

In vain, these dangers pass’d, your doors you close, God bless them all, and keep them safe,

And hope the ba!.my blessings of repose : And God bless me, and God bless Ralph.

Cruel with guilt, and daring with despair, The king was mightily inquisitive to know who this Invades the sacred hour of silent rest,

The midnight murierer bursts the faithless bar; Ralph was. Ben told him It was the drawer at And plants, unseen, a dagger in your breast. the Swanne tavern at Chasing-cross, who drew him good Canarie.” We dread lest it should excite the With hemp the gallows and the feet supply.

Scarce can our fields, such crowds at Tyburn die, cupidity of our Laureate, when we add that, “ For this drollery, his majestie gave him a hundred Whose ways and means* support the sinking land,

Propose your schemes, ye senatorian band, pounds !”

Lest ropes be wanting in the tempting spring

To rig another convoy for the kingot Two Jesnits, on their passage to America, were A single jail, in Alfred's golden reign, desired by the master to go down into the hold, as a Could half the nation's criminals contain ; storm was coming on ; he told them that they need Fair justice then, without constraint adored, not apprehend any danger as long as they heard the Held high the steady scale, but sheath'd the sword; seamen curse and swear ; but if once they were No spies were paid, no special juries known ; silent, and quiet, he would advise them to betake Bless'd age! but ah! how different from our own! themselves to prayers. Soon after the lay-brother went to the hatches, to hear what was going forward, when he quickly returned, saying, all was over, for they swore like troopers, and their blasphemy alone other slept soudly. The early riser found a purse,

A man had two sons ; one rose early while the was enough to sink the vessel.--"The Lord be praised which the father carried to the sluggard.

si Look for it,” replied the other, " then we are safe.'

ye!" said he, if you had been up as your brother

was, you would have found this purse." ** Possibly," Two penitents, in a procession at Lisbon on Ash- answered the son, “ but if the owner of it had been Wednesday, were comparing notes about their sins. in bed, as I am, he had not lost it.” One said, “ he had lain with his mother.” “ Ay!"

* A technical term in parliament for raising money, said the other," but that's a mere peccadillo to my

+ The nation was then discontented at the repeated visits crime, for I laid with my grand-mother."

made by George the Second to Hanover,





[blocks in formation]





By two black eyes my heart was won :

A lady of fashion once declaimed to a lady of quaSure never wreich was so undone

lity, in public company, against second marriages : By two black eyes!

the lady whom she addressed had been twice married ; To Celia with my suit I came ;

and she had recently been married to her own second But she, regardless of her prize,

husband. When reminded of this she exclaimed, Thought proper to reward my fame

“ Bless me! my dear, I had quite forgotten it.” By two black eyes.

Prince Harry and Falstaff, in Shakspeare, bave A very passionate general calling one morning on carried the ridicule upon fat and lean as far as it will Sir Robert Walpole, found his servant shaving him.go. Falstaff is bumorously called Wool-Sack, Bed During the conversation, Sir Robert said mildly, Presser, and Hill of Flesh; Harry, a Starveling, an “John, you cut me ;” and continued the former sub- Eels-skin, a Sheath, a Bow-case, and a Tuck, ject of discourse. Presently he said again, “ John, you cut me;" but as mildly as before : and soon after he had occasion to say it again; when the general

In a considerable market town, there was a club of starting up in a rage, said, swearing a greai oath, fat men, that did not come together (as you may well and doubling his fist at the servant, * If Sir Robert suppose) to entertain one another with sprighiliness can bear it, I cannot ; and if you cut him once more, the room where the club met was something of the

and wit, but to keep one another in countenance; John, I'll knock you down."

largest, and had two entrances, the one by a door of

moderate size, and the other by a pair of folding A young gentleman having attempted many ways doors. If a candidate for this corpulent club could in vain to acquire the affections of a lady of great make his entrance through the first, he was looked fortune, at last was resolved to try what could be done upon as not qualified , but if he stuck in the passage by the help of music, and therefore entertained her and could not force his way through it, the folding with a serenade under her window at midnight; but doors were immediately thrown open for his reception, she ordered her servants to drive him away by throu - and he was saluted as a brother. I have heard that ing stones at him: “Oh, my friend,” said one of his this club, though it consisted but of fifteen persons, companions, “ your music is as powerful as that of weighed above three tons. In opposition to this soOrpheus, for it draws the very stones about you.” ciety, there sprung up another, composed of scarecrows

and skeletons; who being very meagre and envious, DECENCY AND DANGER.

did all they could to thwart the designs of their bulky A fire happening next door to a gentleman's house, brethren, whom they represented as men of dangerous he was a full half hour before he could on bis principles; till at length they worked them out of the wife to quit her room, into which she had locked her- favour of the people, and consequently out of the maself. Ai length, she came forth, greatly alarmed, in gistracy. Those factions tore the corporation to her shift, her under petticoat, and one long ruffle on pieces for several years, till at length they came to her arm.-“ Bless my soul !" cried her husband, this accommodation; that the two bailiffs of the town "what a while you have been, and knew the next should be annually chosen out of the two clubs, by house to be on fire !” “ I can't help it, my dear," which means the principal magistrates are at this day cried she, “ if our own was in flames; I only stopped coupled like rabbits, one fat and one lean. to make myself decent,"




Vain from thy shopboard the eternal sigh; The count Grammont, who had attached, if not Can guineas from the vacant pocket fly?

Vain thy devotions from that sable shrine : engaged himself to Miss Hamilton, abruptly went off

Can sorrow fill this empty purse of mine ! for France ; count George Hamilton, her brother, pursued and overtook him at Dover, when he thus Ah me! so long with dire consumption pined, addressed him : “My dear friend, I believe you have

When shall that purse ill omen'd proudly swell forgotten a circumstance that should take place before Full as the sail that holds the favouring wind ? your return to France." To which Grammont replied,

Mysterious ministers of money, tell ! True, my dear friend ; what a memory I have' i Fond man! while pausing o'er that gloomy page quite forgot that I was to marry your sister ; but I That tells thee what thou art in terms too plain, will instantly accompany you back to London, and O'er the capacious ledger lose thy rage, rectify that forgetfulness.”

Nor of unsettled debts again be vain.
There lords and dukes and mighty princes lie,

Nor on them canst thou for prompt payment call A remarkably dirty man, soliciting his friend's ad- Wly starts the big drop in thine anguish'd eye? vice how he should dress himself for a masquerade, One honest genuine bard is worth them all. received the following answer : “ Only just wash your A common garment such as mortals wear hands and face, put on a clean shirt, and I'll be hanged

(Dull sons of clay, the ready price who give), if any one will know you."

Thou mad'st, and lo! it lasted one short year; ELEGIAC EXPOSTULATION TO AN UNFORTUNATE But in my garment thou shalt ever live.

Time ne'er shall rip one consecrated seam O thou whose visionary bills unpaid,

Of cloth, from fancy's loom all superiine ; Long as thy measure, o'eị my slumber stream;

Nor shall I cruel baunt thy softer dream,
Whose hct hissing through the midnight shade,

E'en when I dress thee in a suit divine.
Disturbs the transport of each softer dream! Let sage philosophy thy soul inform
Why do imaginary needles wound ?

With strength heroic every ill to bear,

Not better broadcloth braves the angry storm;
Why do thy shears cut short my fleeting joys !
Oh! why, einerging froin thy hell profound,

And constant patience is delightful wear.
The ghost of shreds and patches, awful rise ? Be patient then, and wise, nor meanly shrink
Once more look up, nor droop thy hanging head;

Beneath despondency's tumultuous blast : The liberal linings of that breast unfold;

The reckoning day may come when least Be smiles, far brighter than thy buttons, spread;

A joyful day, though miracles are pass'd.

DERMODY. And nobly scorn the vulgar lust of gold. Though doom'd by fortune, since remotest time, No meaner coin of moderate date to use,

A gentleman being at St. Margaret's, Westminster, Lo! I can well reward with sterling rhyme, on a fast day, observed to another that there were

Stamp'd by the sacred mintage of the muse. very few of the members of the house of commons Why mourn thy folly, why deplore thy fate,

assembled. “Is that to be wondered at returned the Why call on every power in sore dismay? other ? Why I thought you understood the nature of Thy warmest oraisons, alas! are late :

the proclamation better ; observe you not that it strictly Reflect--didst thou e'er know a poet pay? enjoins short conmons every where ?



you think


« VorigeDoorgaan »