continue in the field, and lie at my colonel's quarters. Arthur is very well; but I can give you no account of Elms he was in the hospital before I came into the field. I will not pretend to give you an account of the battle, knowing you have a better in the prints. Pray give my service to Mrs. Cook and her daughter, to Mr. Stoffet and his wife, and to Mr. Lyver, and Thomas Hogsdon, and to Mr. Ragdell, and to all my friends and acquaintance in general who do ask after me. My love to Mrs. Stevenson. I am sorry for the sending such ill news. Her husband was gathering a little money together to send to his wife, and put it into my hands. I have seven shillings and threepence, which I shall take care to send her. Wishing your wife a safe delivery, and both of you all happiness, rest-Your assured friend and comrade, "JOHN HALL. "We had but an indifferent breakfast; but the Mounseers never had such a dinner in their lives. "My kind love to my comrade Hinton, and Mrs. Morgan, and to John Brown and his wife. I sent Stevenson two shillings and sixpence to drink with you at Mr. Cook's; but I have heard nothing from him. It was by Mr. Edgar. "Corporal Hartwell desires to be remembered to you, and desires you to inquire of Edgar, what is become of his wife Peg; and when you write, to send word in your letter what trade she drives. "We have here very bad weather, which I doubt will be a hinderance to the siege; but I am in hopes we shall be masters of the town in a little time, and then I believe we shall go to garrison." THE WILL OF A VIRTUOSO. I, Nicholas Gimcrack, being in sound health of mind, but in great weakness of body, do by this my last will and testament bestow my worldly goods and chattels in manner following: Imprimis, to my dear wife, A female skeleton, A dead cocatrice, Item, To my daughter Elizabeth, Item, To my little daughter Fanny, Three crocodile's eggs. And upon the birth of her first child, if she marries with her mother's consent, The nest of a humming-bird. Item, To my eldest brother, as an acknowledgment for the lands he has vested in my son Charles, I bequeath My last year's collection of grasshoppers. Item, To his daughter Susanna, being his only child, I bequeath my English weeds pasted on royal paper, With my large folio of Indian cabbage. Item, To my learned and worthy friend Doctor Johannes Elscrickius, professor in anatomy, and my associate in the studies of Nature, as an eternal monument of my affection and friendship for him, I bequeath My rat's tail and Whale's fin, to him and his issue-male; and in default of such issue in the said Doctor Elscrickius, then to return to my executor and his heirs for ever. Having fully provided for my nephew Isaac, by making over to him some years since A horned scarabæus, The skin of a rattlesnake, and, The mummy of an Egyptian King, I make no farther provision for him in this my will. My eldest son John having spoke disrespectfully of his little sister, whom I keep by me in spirits of wine, and in many other instances behaved himself undutifully towards me, I do disinherit, and wholly cut off from any part of this my personal estate, by giving him a single cockle-shell. To my second son Charles, I give and bequeath all my flowers, plants, minerals, mosses, shells, pebbles, fossils, beetles, butterflies, caterpillars, grasshoppers, and vermin, not above specified: As also all my monsters both wet and dry; making the said Charles whole and sole executor of this my last will and testament, he paying, or causing to be paid, the aforesaid legacies within the space of six months after my decease. And I do hereby revoke all other wills whatsoever by me formerly made. CALAMITIES OF AN AUTHOR. STAGE COACH FARCE. drew his white pocket handkerchief from his pocket, (as he thought,) which he flourished with great effect for some seconds,tili, swearing for the truth of the love he professed, his eyes caught the coloured silk kerchief in his hand, and he finished the passage thus : Lady, by yonder blessed moon, I swear! A young author, a man of good-nature and learn- That this is too bad, by G-!-Play Romeo with ing, once complained of the misplaced generosity an angel, and take out a snuffy pocket-handkerchief! of the times. Here, said he, have I spent part of-Oh! fy! for shame, go to school and learn promy youth in attempting to instruct and amuse my priety." fellow-creatures, and all my reward has been solitude, poverty, and reproach; while a fellow, possessed even of the smallest share of fiddling merit, or who has, perhaps, learned to whistle double, is rewarded, applauded, and caressed! Prithee, young man, said a friend to him, are you ignorant, that, in so large a city as this is, it is better to be an amusing than an useful member of society? Can you leap up, and touch your feet four times before you come to the ground? No, Sir. Can you pimp for a man of quality? No, Sir. Can you stand upon two horses at full speed? No, Sir. Can you swallow a pen-knife? I can do none of these tricks. Why, then, cried I, there is no other prudent means of subsistence left, but to apprize the town, that you speedily intend to eat up your own nose by subscription. Mr. Watson (proprietor of the Cheltenham theatre) and the whole of the entertainment was so bad that was once acting in a farce called The Stage Coach, the audience loudly testified their disapprobation. Towards the conclusion, an Irish gentleman in the pit, who had not been much pleased with his journey, inquired of Mr. Watson, then on the boards, whether the Stage Coach was likely to have a run? "Because," continued he, "if it is so, I shall beg leave to be an outside passenger!" SAGACIOUS DOG. Mr. Sheridan was once on a visit to the duke of Bedford, at Woburn, when preparations were making to take the field against the partridges on the first of September. A learned barrister of the party was endeavouring to improve his skill by firing at a mark, which he could never hit, and, in excuse for his bad aim, complained of his dog, which was not well trained, and who, at every moment he was about to fire his piece, always jumped up against the mark, "although," said he, "I thought he was as sagacious an animal as ever lived." Sagacious indced," said Mr. Sheridan," and he has proved it, for I can't conceive he could be any where so safe from your shot, as by flying at the mark you aim at." GHOSTS, OR THE QUESTION SOLVED. That ghosts now and then on this globe would appear, "Did you e'er see a ghost in your watchings, I pray ? | say he did not wait for an invitation, yet as he had You're here at all hours-and the thing's in your given some good-will, he took the stock at a fair apway." praisement, and set up on the old premises, where he and his wife got a comfortable livelihood: they dying "Not I," said the watchman-" and good reason Men never come back when you get them to die: To return to this world of vexation to fret 'em. I fancy, your honour, the devil won't let 'em." IN ENGLAND. Scotch Jemmy, the presumptive bastard of an Italian fiddler, was born in Scotland. Turning out à bonny lad, and of quick parts, he was put out apprentice, in that kingdom, to the business of King-craft, (on which he afterwards wrote a treatise, and called it by that name;) to this he served part of his time there, and the remainder in England as a turnover: he dying Anne, his wife's sister, came in by her own right, and carried on business with great reputation, while she employed honest and experienced journeymen; but, turning these away, her credit sunk extremely towards the latter end of her time, through the blunaud some others. She dying without issue, in that ders and mismanagement of one Harley, her foreman, William the Dutchman, was left to the present case the business, which was much extended by family, the first of whom was George, and whom we shall call the first; was succeeded by his son who George the Second; who, with his father, were very good sort of men, though both were much blamed for neglecting their business, by gadding to a dirty farm called Hanover; his namesake and grand son Charles his son succeeded him; but, ambitiously grasping at too much business, proved unfortunate, and left the shop to his son: he made large additions being over-ruled and miguided by a favourite servant, George the Third began with a fair prospect; but, to his father's work, by interweaving it with priest-lost great part of the business. craft. A PRUDENT WIFE. with a Charles the Second was for some time kept out of The late Mrs. Williams (an actress, and wife to a possession by one Oliver Cromwell, who took the shop over his father's head; and who, although not performer) being at Birmingham, one summer, regularly bred, proved a most subtile, industrious, her husband, they advertised, for their benefit, " and able workman. Cromwell dying, this Charles favourite song, with accompaniments on the French came and opened shop; but carried on business very horns, by Mr. Williams.-On the night no horns indifferently, owing, as it is said to bad company, came, and Mrs. Williams ran about the theatre, debeing much addicted to lewd women, revelling with claring she was ruined: the musicians had disapbuffoons, jesters, and stage-players: he dyingpointed her, and he could not sing his song without horns.-"Never mind," said a musician present, "that cannot be any drawback-you have taken care that he shall never be without horns !” Jemmy the Second, his brother, an apprentice, came on trial; but breaking his oath with his masters, he forfeited his indenture, ran away, and was transported for life; and though his son and his grandson have endeavoured to follow the business abroad, they have turned out but mere Pretenders. He was succeeded by one William, a Dutchman, who married before he embarked from Holland; and though some authors GEORGE COLMAN. Mr. Colman the younger inquired, one very sultry evening, if the performers' orders went; and, being answered in the negative, he exclaimed: "Why, it is so hot that flesh and blood can't bear it; and, surely, the bones ought to go!" THE WATCHMAN'S MISTAKE. One frosty night, a few weeks since, not more, Charley, instead of six, trudg'd home at four: 'Twas piercing cold and would be death to stayHe to his hovel, therefore, bent his way. Arriv'd-to bed he trudg'd without a light, Not dreaming matters there were aught but right, His coat, his waistcoat, and his breeches too With little care upon the bed he threw, And stepping in, with sort of shivering moan, He starts his rib, poor soul, not quite alone. "Bless me," exclaim'd the wanton, "is it you? Come just in time to save your faithful Sue: Quickly some brandy prithee do procure, My pain's too great for mortal to endure." In haste his scatter'd garments are replac'd, And Charley to the gin shop may be trac'd. The brandy he receives, dubs up a shillingFor he to serve his rib was always willing. "This piece I cannot change," his hostess cried. "Not change it," the astonished scout replied; "I but a shilling on the counter threw, And ask no change for that and brandy too." "A sovereign, Charles, or my poor eyes deceive me, You from your breeches pocket drew, and gave me.' Scout starts with wonder, first the fact deniesThen smiles, and to his fob conveys the prize. Now posts, as he suppos'd, a second bob, Which he extracted from the selfsame fob. "Another sovereign!" Ma'am with haste exclaims, And Charley star'd as tho' bereft of brains. Recover'd, he surveys with anxious care, The garments which contain'd the precious ware, And found them of the finest kerseymere! The pockets too with care he fumbles o'er. And of these pretty pictures found a score; "Zounds!" he exclaim'd, " 'tis strange to me, That I, who only once a week a sovereign see, Should all at once become possessed (And be, besides, so finely dress'd) Of all this money, which my fob contains, Why, Madam, 'tis enough to rack one's brains." Still Charley shrewdly guess'd how matters were, HOW TO ANSWER ONE QUESTION BY ASKING AN OTHER. A celebrated professor thinking to perplex an unfortunate pupil, one day put him the following question : "" Pray, sir, can you tell me how long a man may live without brains?" To which the pupil, looking up in the face of the interrogator, promptly-but unexpectedly replied, "How old may you be yourself, professor ?" ECONOMY IN BUSINESS. Messrs. Bowden and Masters, two English riders, meeting one night in their travels, the conversation over the bottle turned on the extensive business carried on by their respective houses. Bowden, zealous to prove the superiority of his own, enumerated many extraordinary instances, and finally wound up his climax with saying, " that the business of his house was so extensive that in their correspondence only it cost them 1501. yearly in the article of ink." Masters replied, "Why, Bowden, do you advance that as a proof of your superiority to our house?""I do." "Poo, poo, man!" said Masters, "why, we save that sum yearly in our house in that very article, by omitting only the dots to the i's and the strokes to the t's. SHAVING A CONSCIENCE. Judge Jefferies taking a dislike to an evidence who had a long beard, told him, " that if his conscience was as large as his beard, he had a swinging one." To which the witness replied: "My lord, if you measure consciences by beards, you have none at all." THREE BLESSINGS OF MAN. Pirolo, the French historian, used to say, "Man possesses but three things, his soul, his body, and his wealth, These are exposed continually to three sorts of ambuscade: his soul to that of divines; his body | four months older than me." "What say you to that to that of physicians; and his wealth to that of count?" exclaimed the king, "after such a testimony lawyers." you can no longer conceal the fact." "Sire," replied the count," the bishop is deceived; for neither he nor myself ever studied at all.” RICHELIEU'S AMBITION. When Peter the Great saw the tomb of cardinal Richelieu in Sarbonne, he exclaimed, Illustrious statesman! if alive I would give you one half of my empire, if you would teach me to rule the other." A Frenchman who was present observed, "Your majesty would do wrong, for if the cardinal had the one half, you would not be able to keep the other long." LIMITS OF PAPAL JURISDICTION. Cardinal Cervini complained to Leo the Tenth that Michael Angelo had painted him in hell in his picture of the Last Judgment." If the painter," said the pope, had placed your eminence in purgatory I could have drawn you thence, but as he has placed you in the infernal regions, my power does not extend so far." son of the king of Spain, who dying, she was then Margaret of Austria was affianced to the eldest betrothed by proxy to his second son, and being in a vessel bound to Spain, to consummate the marriage ceremony, a storm arose and the vessel was on the point of sinking, when this princess, who was gifted with a most magnanimous spirit, very far from being struck with fear at the imminent danger she was in, wrote the following couplet: Ci-git la gentille demoiselle Qu'a deux maris et encore est pucelle. ACTING BY NOTE. Mr. Bransley (a comedian, some years since, on Drury-lane boards) could never vary in the least from the text of the author; and, if any other person on the stage with him fell into that error, Bransley generally produced some whimsical effect, by adhering too closely to the original words. He was playing one night, and this question being put to him"" Are you this young lady's father?" had to say-" I am.” |