His servants always firking, his firkins ran so fast, And staggering round his bar rails, his barrels breath'd their last; And when he treated all hands his Hollands rar JOB'S WIFE. Of all Job lost, his history tells us plain, HOAX EXTRAORDINARY. THE PLACE OF THE DAMNED. All folks who pretend to religion and grace, | gravely acknowledged that Mr. Moore had certainly won the wager, and threw down his shilling to pay the bet, observing, "that this was the first time in his life he ever saw such a jar broken in the same manner." Moore stood for some time astounded by the effects of this rash stroke upon his favourite talisman, but recovering a little, and perceiving the hoax by An Englishman named Moore, who had settled as which he had been deluded, fury kindled in his eye, a wholesale cheesemonger in Dublin, was fascinated and he was looking out anxiously for some favourable by the social habits of his Hibernian acquaintance, spot on the head of the hoaxer, whereon to bestow and interchanged with them all the cheap hospitali the next stroke of his poker; but the insidious fellow, ties of beef, turkies, and whiskey punch. Having seeing the storm rising, thought fit to decamp, laugh removed to a new habitation, and given a housewarming in his sleeve at the success of his mischievous ing to a numerous company, the cheerful jug went joke. round with ceaseless motion, occasionally replenished from a large china jar of ten gallons dimension, which was Moore's favourite urn on similar occasions, and upon which, when tipsy, he never failed to Jaunch out in high encomiums. A wag in the room, amed Shiel, perceiving that his host was far gone when he mounted his favourite hobby-horse, the china jar, joined in the praises of this extraordinary vessel, adding, that there were but two of them came from China in three ships; that he had sold the fellow of it to lord Howe five years before for twenty guineas, and that the noble Lord would cheerfully give three hundred for this, if he knew where to find it. "Oh! come," said Moore," you are flinging the hatchet too far, it only cost me a guinea and a half, and I would sell it for ten," Shiel, mustering all his gravity, rejoined," My dear Moore, you don't know the value of that jar; it is the true Whang Tong malleable china, and I'd lay you any wager that the strongest porter you can find would not be able to A lady who enthusiastically adored Wilkes and break it with a dozen strokes of your largest kitchen liberty, was disputing with a gentleman upon the vapoker." "Done," said Moore," that I will do it my-rious accomplishments of her idol. " You will allow self in half a dozen strokes." Done with you," said he has wit," said she.-" Certainly."-" And he is a Shiel, "for a gallon of porter that you don't." The fine scholar?"-" Undoubtedly.' ""And he is inwager thus settled, Moore called for the large trepid ?". -"Yes."-"A patriot, too!". kitchen poker, and stripping off his coat dealt with think him so."-" And surely he is very handsome?" all his might an Herculean blow upon the jar, which "Handsome! why, my dear madam, he squints most was smashed in a thousand pieces. abominably."-" Squints! I allow it; but not a bit more than a man of genius ought to squint."_ Shiel, without moving a muscle of his countenance. and damned knaves, Damned senators bribed, damned prostitute slaves; Damned lawyers and judges damned lords and damned squires, Damned spies and informers, damned friends and Damned villains corrupted in every station, PARTY SPIRIT. "Some 1 THE TUREEN. Dear money; thou art always floating! Some whim is always driving thee abroad, The farmer trucks thee for a Southdown tup, (Which, if he cannot purchase, he'll purloin,) Plates, saucers, cream ewers, every kind of vase, Fond of their praise, but of their awkwardness afraid. And through the crevices securely view Such a misfortune one would say, PROPHECIES. An old Irish haymaker, with his daughter, an innocent looking young woman, were tried at the Old Bailey on a capital indictment for a burglary and robbery in the house of an old gentleman above ninety, where the daughter was servant. The poor girl appeared to be perfectly innocent in the transaction, but the father's guilt was clearly proved by the prosecutor. When the evidence for the prosecution was what he had to say in his defence? "Oh, by my closed, the Judge asked him the usual questions, sowl," answered the fellow, "there has been too much said upon the business already. and I don't want to say any more; I'm willing to drop it with you altogether, and if you're satisfied, I am satisfied." "I say, man," repeated the Baron, "if you have any thing to say in your defence, now is your time." "By my sowl then," answered the prisoner, "if I must spake, I have only to say that my life is safe among you." The Jury convicted him, and the next ques "What's the prisoner's age?" "My age?" tion was, says the fellow, "what call have you to know my age?" "The Court must know," whispered the gaoler, "how old you are." "Oh, by my faith," says he, "I believe I'm pretty near as owld as ever I'll be." He spoke prophetically, for he was hanged in a fortnight. FORESTALLING. A gentleman endeavouring to put up his gig at Wandsworth at a review of light horse, was told that there were already three horses in a stall. "0 then," exclaimed his companion, "if that is the case we are completely forestalled." COMFORTS COMPLETED. blood, my good friend," answered the Hibernian, "isn't it all the same thing, whether I pay you, now or another time. Sure won't I be a customer of the An English sailor in Dublin crossing the Coal Quay half tipsy, with a gallon measure of foaming house. I only changed my breeches this morning, porter to regale his shipmates on board, passed through and forgot my purse, and you would'nt have a gena crowd of coal heavers, not much more sober than himself, and in the pride of his heart addressed teman balk his appetite and go without his dinner them with "Hang your whiskey, you Irish lubbers, because he happened to have no cash about him.”— here's a gallon of good English beer, it is meat, drink "Why, Sir,"answered the host, "I should never grudge and clothes," slapping the vessel with his hand. One of the fellows, affronted at this challenge, instantly knocked him down into a large slough of water, adding, "You had meat, drink, and clothes before, and there's washing and lodging for you into the bargain, you thief." The fellow was proceeding to follow up his triumph by kicking the fallen Briton, when another of the gang interfered with " Blur and ounds, Lary, though you did give him washing and lodging, sure he doesn't want mangling into the bargain." EPITAPH ON AN INFANT. a gentleman his dinner, look you, if he had no money; but I think in such a case, something less expensive than sole, roast fowl, and raspberry tart, might answer your purpose; and I can't think that a quite indispensable." " Poh! poh!" replied the other, pint of Madeira, a bottle of port, and filberts were "d-n it, I heard you were a generous fellow, and sure you woud'nt have a gentleman finish his dinner in a shabby way without a glass of wine and a little fruit!" THE RAPID FORTUNE. Says Dick to Hal, "Your thrifty sire, in trade Beneath this stone lies our dear child who's gone For your dear sake a rapid fortune made; from we For evermore, into eternity; Where we do hope that us shall go to he, But him can ne'er come back to we. MODESTY FOR MONEY. You drank, wench'd, gambled, mortgag'd house and And from the turf to jail drove four in hand." stun me, My fortune was so rapid, it outrun me." THE IRISHMAN'S BLANKET. An Hibernian adventurer one day stepped into a coffee-house in the Strand, seated himself in a box, called for a bill of fare, and ordered a sole and a wild An Irishman who was sent on board of ship, and fowl for his dianer, with as much sang froid as if who believed in ghosts, inquired of his messmates if his pockets were crammed with Bank notes. When the ship was haunted. "As full of ghosts as a churchdinner was served, he call for a pint of Madeira, yard," replied they; "they are ten thousand strong which, with a couple of tarts, he demolished with toler-every night." This so terrified Pat, that whenever able facility; and when the cloth was removed, he ordered some filberts and a bottle of port, which, having also despatched, he desired the waiter to charge his bill at the bar. The waiter told his master, who was a very good-natured Welchman, and who struck with the oddity of this order from a perfect stranger, came to remonstrate with the gentleman, and asked him how he could think of ordering such a dinner, without having money to pay for it, "Odds he turned into his hammock, he pulled his blanket over his head and face, so that from his knees downwards he was naked and cold. "That there purser is a terrible rogue," said he, he serves out blankets that don't fit a man; they are too long at top, and too short at bottom, for they cover my head and ears, and my feet are always perished with cold. I have cut several slices off the top, and sewed on the bottom and the devil a bit longer it is." THE LAUGHING PHILOSOPHER. THE DYING FATHER. A dying father had two sons; The one was George, the other James. "My son," he said, "I'm much concern'd for thee, And these when I am call'd from hence, Will more your hind'rance than advantage be INNOVATION. When poor Maria first began To sell her youthful charins to man, Must shut up shop, or change her sign. SIR T. BROWN'S COURTSHIP. Sir Thomas Brown once observed in company, that he had toasted a lady for twelve months, aud Well, well-to make amends-here, take this key.had little hopes of ever making her Brown. Within the adjoining closet thou wilt find An iron chest, which now contains 'Forbid it Heavens! Shou'd I alone receive Of him I uniformly said, had no cause to be afraid: For his stupidity would bring him through. Α very A TRIFLING DIFFERENCE. RETALIATION. Francis the first, being engaged at tennis with the abbé de Beaulieu, the latter struck a ball with violence which came in contact with the person of the monarch, who, feeling the smart, exclaimed, "Abbé, I give you to all the devils in hell."-"And I," replied the abbé, give your majesty to all my monks, who are just as good companions." TO A CRITIC. You say that "in scribbling no figure I cut," MUTUAL ACCOMMODATION. old lady of quality having intrigued with a gentleman of family, who was not so rich in wealth as in title, she bequeathed to him the bulk of her estates at her death; her niece, who was the next heir, commenced an action for the recovery of the The maréchal Grammont having for some time be fortune, which was given against her. On quitting sieged a fortress, the garrison of which held out obthe court she addressed the fortunate possessor of stinately, a capitulation at length took place, upon the estate, saying, "Well, sir, it must be confessed, the signing of which, the governor of the fortress you got the estate very cheaply." Madam," re-said, "Maréchal, I will be candid with you, if I had plied the gentleman, "you know the price at which not been bereft of a bullet to defend myself, I should I had it, and you may if you please make a pur-not have surrendered."-"That 1 may not appear chase of it upon the same terms." "With all my wanting in candour," replied the maréchal, "I must heart, sir," answered the lady briskly, "if you will tell you that had I had any more powder. I would give the sign manual,” not have acceded to the terms of capitulation." |