I now understand the meaning of the Persian salutation "May your shadow never be less!" I lost mine entirely in about a fortnight that I staid at Lady Skinflint's. Two more hosts took me "at livery" (besides the "widow" of the "officer of rank")-an apothecary, who made patients of his boarders, and an attorney, who looked for clients among them. I got away from the medical gentleman rather hastily, for I found that the pastry-cook who served the house was his brother; and the lawyer was so pressing about discounts," and "investments of property,' that I never ventured to sign my name, even to a washing-bill, during the few days I was in his house On the quitting which, I took courage, and resolved to become my own provider, and hired a "First Floor," accordingly ("unfurnished") in the neighbourhood of Bloomsbury Square. "Mutatio loci, non ingenii." The premier coup of my new career amounted to au escape. I ordered a carte blanche outfit from an upholsterer of Piccadilly, determined to have my apartments unexceptionable before I entered them; and discovered, after a hundred pounds laid out in painting, decorating, and curtain fitting, that the "ground landlord" had certain claims which would be liquidated when my property "went in." This miscarriage made me so cautious, that, before I could choose again, I was the sworn horror of every auctioneer and house-agent (so called) in London. I refused twenty offers, at least, because they had the appearance of being " great bargains." Eschewed all houses, as though they had the plague, in which I found that "single gentlemen were preferred." Was threatened with three actions of defamation for questioning the solvency of persons in business. And, at length, was so lucky as to hit upon a really desirable mansion! The " family ›› perfectly respectable; but had "more room than was necessary for them. Demanded the "strictest references," and accepted no inmate for "less than a year." Into this most unexceptionable abode I conveyed myself and my property. Sure I shou stay for ever, and doubted whether I ought not secure it at once for ten years instead of one. An before I had been settled in the house three quarte of an hour, I found that the chimneys-every o of them! smoked from the top to the bottorThere was guilt in the landlord's eye, the mome the first puff drove me out of my drawing-room. 1 made an effort to say something like "damp day but the "amen" stuck in his throat. He could t say "amen" when I did cry "God bless us !" T whole building, from the kitchen to the garret, w infected with the malady. I had noticed the da complexions of the family, and had concluded the were from the West Indies, they were smok dried! "Blow high, blow low !" I suffered six weeks under excuses, knowing the to be humbug all the while. For a whole month was "the wind;" but I saw "the wind" twice round the compass, and found, blow which way would, it still blew down my chimney. Then came to "Cures." First, there were alterations the top-new chimney-pots, cowls, hovels-and making the thing worse. Then we tried at the bu tom-grates reset, and flues contracted-stili to purpose. Then we came to burning charc al; al in four days I was in a decline. Then we kept doors and windows open; and in one day got a of the rheumatism. And in spite of doors or wi dows, blowers, registers, or Count Rumford-pr caution iu putting on coals, or mathematical manag ment of poker-down the enemy would come to o very faces,-poof! poof! - - as if in derision! till prayed Heaven that smoke had life and being, th I might commit murder on it at once, and so t hanged; and, at length, after throwing every move ble I could command at the grate and the chimne by turns, and paying "no cure no pay" doctors b dozens, who did nothing but make dirt and mischie I sent for a respectable surveyor, paid him for hi opinion beforehand, and heard that the fault in th chinnies was "radical," and not to be remedied without pulling the house down! gain by the change? "We know," the wise màn has said, "what we are; but we know not what we may be." Ipaid my twelvemonth's rent, and wished only that my landlord might live through his lease. I In estimating the happiness of householders, I had heard afterwards, that he had himself been imposed imagined all tenants to be like my self-mild, forupon; and that the house, from the first fire ever bearing, punctual, and contented; but I "kept lighted in it, had been a scandal to the neighbour-house" three years, and was never out of hot water bood. But whole volumes would not suffice to enuBerate the variety of wretchedness and smoky chinnies the very least of them!--which drove me a second time to change my plan of life; the numherless lodgings that I lived in; and the inconveniences, greater or lesser, attending each. In one place, my servants quarrelled with the servants of "the people of the house." In another, "the people of the house's" servants quarrelled with mine. Here, my housekeeper refused to stay, because "the kitchen was damp." There, my footman begged I Roald "provide myself," as there were "rats in his cock loft." Then somebody fell over a pail of water, left upon my stairs ;" and " my maid" declared, it was "the other maid" had put it there. Then the cats fought; and I was assured that mine had given the first scratch. On the whole, the disputes were so manifold, and always ending to my discomfiture,--for the lady of the mansion would assail me,-I never could get the gentleman to be dissatisfied, (and so concluded the controversy by rking him down stairs,)—that seeing one clear adFantage maintained by the ground-possessor, viz. that I, when we squabbled, was obliged to vacate, ad he remained where he was, I resolved, once for ali, to turn the tables upon mankind at large, and Become a "landiord," and a 'housekeeper," in my vwn immediate person. Sir, the grey goose hath laid an egg-Sir, the ad born doth need repair. The cook sweareth, the neat doth burn at the fire.--John Thomas is in the rocks; and every thing stays on your arrival." I would not advise any single gentleman hastily to conclude that he is in distress. Bachelors are discontented, and take wives; footmen are ambitious, and take eating-houses. What does either party the whole time! I did manage, after some trouble, to get fairly into a creditable mansion-just missing one, by a stroke of fortune," which had a brazier's shop at the back of it, and was always shewn at hours when the workmen were gone to dinner-and sent a notice to the papers, that a bachelor of sober habits, having "a larger residence than he wanted," would dispose of half of it to a family of respectability. But the whole world seemed to be, and I think is, in a plot to drive me out of my senses. In the first ten days of my new dignity, I was visited by about twenty tax-gatherers, half of them with claims that I had never heard of, and the other half with claims exceeding my expectations. The householder seemed to be the minister's very milch cow-the positive scape-goat of the whole community! I was called on for house-tax, windowtax, land-tax, servant's-tax! Poor's-rate, sewersrate! I had to pay for watering streets or which other people walked-for lighting lamps which other people" saw by-for maintaining watchmen who slept all night-and for building churches that I never went into. And-I never knew that the country was taxed till that moment!-these were but a few of the "dues" to be sheared off from me. There was the clergyman of the parish, whom I never saw, sent to me at Easter for "an offering.' There was the charity-school of the parish, solicited "the honour" of my "subscription and support." One scoundrel came to inform me that I was drawn for the militia; and offered to "get me off," on payment of a sum of money. Another rascal insisted that I was chosen constable ;" and actually brought the insignia of office to my door. Then I had petitions to read (in writing) from all the people who chose to be in distress-personal beggars, who pene P trated into my parlour, to send to Bridewell, or otherwise get rid of. Windows were broken, and "nobody" had "done it." The key of the streetdoor was lost, and "nobody" had had it." Then my cook stopped up the kitchen "sink ;" and the bricklayers took a month to open it. Then my gutter ran over, and flooded my neighbour's garret; and I was served with notice of an action for dilapidation. And, at Christmas !-Oh! it was no longer dealing with ores and twos!-The whole hundred, on the day after that festival, rose up, by concert, to devour me! Dustmen, street-keepers, lamplighters, turncocks, -postmen, beadles, scavengers, chimney-sweeps the whole pecus of parochial servitorship was at my gate before eleven at noon. Then the waits" came-two sets and fought which should have "my bounty." Rival patroles disputed whether I did or did not lie within their "beat." At one time there was a doubt as to which, of two parishes, I belonged to; and I fully expected that (to make sure) I should have been visited by the collectors from both! Meantime the knocker groaned, until very evening, under the dull, stunning, single thumps-each villain would have struck, although it had been upon the head of his own grandfather!-of bakers, butchers, tallowchandlers, grocers, fishmongers, poulterers, and oilmen! Every ruffian who made his livelihood by swindling me through the whole year, thought himself entitled to a peculiar benefaction (for his robberies) on this day. And "Host! Now by my life I scorn the name!" All this was child's play-bagatelle, I protest, and "perfumed," to what I had to go through in the "letting off" of my dwelling! The swarm of crocodiles that assailed me, on every fine day-threefourths of them, to avoid an impending shower, or to pass away a stupid morning-in the shape of stale dowagers, city coxcombs, " professional gentlemen," and "single ladies! And all (except a few that were swindlers) finding something wrong about my arrangements! Gil Blas' mule, which was nothing but faults, never had half so many faults as my house. Carlton Palace, if it were to be "let" to-morrow, would be objected to by a tailor. One man found my rooms "too small;" another thought them rather "too large;" a third wished that they had been loftier; a fourth, that there had been more of them. One lady hinted a sort of doubt, whether the neighbourhood was quite respectable;" another asked "If I had any children;" and, then, "whether 1.. would bind myself not to have any during her stay! Two hundred, after detaining me an hour, had called only " for friends." Ten thousand went through al the particulars, and would "call again to-morrow.' At last there came a lady who gave the coup de-graci to my "house-keeping," she was a clergyman's wi dow, she said, from Somersetshire-if slic had beet an officer's," I had suspected her; but, in an evi hour, I let her in; and-she had come for the ex press purpose of marrying me! Every reader who has bowels, will yearn for my situation. Nolo conjugari! I exclaimed in agony; but what could serve against the ingenuity of woman? She seduced me-escapewas hopeless-morning, noon, and night! She heard a mouse behind the wainscot, and I was called in to scare it. Her canary bird got loose-would I be so good as to catch it? I fell sick, but was soon glad to get well again; for she sent five times a day to ask if I was better; besides pouring in plates of blanc-mange, jellies, cordials, raspberry vinegars, fruits fresh from the country, and hasty-puddings made by her own hand. And at last, after I had resisted all the constant borrowing of books, the eternal interchange of newspapers, and the daily repair of crow-quills, the opinions upon wine, the corrections of hackney coachmen, and the recommendation of a barber to the poodle dog;-at last-Oh! the devil take all wrinkled stair carpets, stray pattens, and bits of orange-peel dropped upon the ground! Mrs. Fsprained her ankle, and fell down at my very drawing-room door! Animus meminisse horret. All the women in the house were bribed-there was not one of them in the way! My footman, muy only safeguard-was sent off that minute for a doctor-I was not married; for so much, let Providence be praised! I can t go through the affair! But, about six months after, I presented Mrs. F with my house, and every thing in it, and determined never again-as a man's only protection against female cupidity to possess even a pair of small clothes that I could legally call my own. Ultimum Supplicium. where he was, up and down, all day. As it is Experience, however, gives lights; and a This resolution compelled me to shelter myself in "furnished lodgings," where the most of accommodation, (sublunary!) after all, I believe is to be found. I had sad work, as you may imagine, to find any way at first. Once I ventured to inhabit He broke loose the other day. I saw him escape I am most nervous myself about the monkey. (as there was no board in the case) with a surgeon. over the next garden wall, and drop down by the Bat, what between the patients and the resurrection side of a middle-aged gentleman, who was setting men, the "night bell" was intolerable; and he ordered the watchman too, I found, to pull it pri- dent, took refuge in a summer-house; and then he polyanthuses! The respectable man, as was prerately, six or seven times a-week, in order to im- pulled up all the polyanthuses; and then tried to get press the neighbourhood with an opinion of his prac-in at the summer-house window! I think thatuce. From one place I was driven away by a music master, who gave concerts opposite to me; and, at a second, after two days abiding, I found that a Padman was confined on the second floor! Two houses I left, because my hostesses made Jove to me. Three, because parrots were kept in the streets. One, because a cock (who would crow all night) came to live in a yard at the back of me; and another, in which I had staid two months (and ould perhaps have remained till now) because a boy of eight years old- there is to me no earthly creature so utterly intolerable as a boy of eight years cld!-came home from school "to pass the holidays." I had thoughts, I don't care who knows it-of taking him off by poison; and bought two raspberry tarts, to give him arsenic in, as I met him on the stairs, the room is full of smoke! Why, what the devil Eh!-Why, what the deuce is all this?-Why, call my new footman.]—Tho-o-mas!-Why, some -Thomas [I ring the bell violently] Thomas!- [I rascal has set the house on fire, Enter THOMAS. Indeed no, your honour-indeed-no- it's only the chimney The chimney! you dog!-get away this moment gone!-Come back, I say,-what chimney is it? and put it out-Stay-Thomas!The villain's Thomas. Only the kitchen chimney, sir. Only the kitchen chimney! you rascal, how did you do it? Thomas. I was only tuning my fiddle, your ho nour; and Mary, housemaid, flung the rosin in the fire. His fiddle! The wretch, I knew it would happen. As I live, here are a dozen engines, fifty firemen, -Where's the landlord, sirrah ? Thomas. He's not at home, sir? Thomas. She's in fits, sir. You scoundrel, you'll be hanged, to a certainty! -There's a statute for you, caitiff! there is.-Come, sir,-come-strip, and go up the chimney directly.— Strip! or I'll kill you with the toasting fork, and bury your body in the dust-hole. [Enter the cut with a tail as thick as my arm, galtopping round the room.] Zounds and death, what's to be done?-My life's not insured!-I inust get out of the house. [Rattling, of wheels, and cries of "Fire!" in the street.] Oh, the devil! here comes the parish engine, and as many thieves with it as might serve six parishes! -Shut the doors, below, say. [Calling down stairs.] Don't let 'em in.-Thomas!--the house will be gutted from top to bottom!-Thomas! -Where is that rascaily servant of mine!Thomas! [Catling in all directions.]—I—I must see, myself. [Scene changes to the kitchen. The housemaid in hysterics under the dresser.] and four thousand fools!-I must be off!-Thomas! -[He enters.]-I must escape.-Thomas! I'll sepulchre you but not yet.-Shew me the back-door. Thomas.-There is none, sir.-I've been trying to get out myself. Cook. Oh laws, sir! if it was to be shot off up the chimbley, it would surely put it out. She's right. Run, Thomas ! At the head of the bed. Away with you. Mind-it's loaded-take care what you are about. There they go-They have found it.-Now they are down stairs.-Why, zounds! the woman has get the gun!-Take it from her!-He don't hear the -Thomas!-She's going to fire it, as I live!-Yes, she's sitting down in the grate -Thomas !-With her body half way up the chimney!―Thonas! Death! the woman's a fool.-Bang! bang! [Report heard.] Ah! there she goes backwards!-its all up! Thomas! you rascal!-She's killed!—No, egad! she's up and running.-Don't let her come near me, -Margery! Pshaw! What's her name?—She's run Pooh! what a smell of sulphur !-Thomas !— Thomas!-Thomas! I remember it was on a Friday I hired him!-Thomas! - [I find him in the jack-Here comes the soot in cart-loads, all over her!towel.]-Take a wet blanket, you rascal, and get through the garret window. Crawl up the tiles, you wretch, and muffle the chimney-pot! Madam!--[The landlady clings round my neck.j—ning towards the street door!-Margery !-Why Madam!-for Heaven's sake!-There is no danger, I assure you.-[She clings tighter.]—Or, if there is, we had better embrace after it's over.-You'll "die by me?"-No, no; not for the world.-Throw some pails of water on the grate, for Heaven's sake! Damn the monkey! how he gets between one's legs! Thomas ! Thomas!-[The tumult increases.] Thomas! Thomas.-[Down the chimney.]—Sir! she's all on fire, and as black as a soot bag!-Why, stop her, I say.-Ah! she gets into the street. — Thomas!- Margery!-Every body! The woman will be burned to death! [Shouts without, and noise of water.] Ha!-[I run to the window.]-Huzzah!The engines are playing upon her!!! That inferual footman! he is my fate-and I thought it would be the monkey! Enter Thomas. Come in, you sneaking scoundrel.-Is the woman One more peep [I run up stairs] from the window. |