Pagina-afbeeldingen
PDF
ePub

AN EMPTY HEAD.

[ocr errors]

LIVING TOO LONG

that coat? “ The same people," said the shepherd, j answered, that she told him the night before she
“ that clothe you, the parish.” The parson, nettled could not live till the morning, and he supposed a
a little, sent his man back to ask the shepherd if he woman going out of the world would not tell an
would come and live with him, for he wanted a fool. untruth.
The man went to tho shepherd, and delivered his
master's message. “ Are you going away then?”
said the shepherd. “ No," answered the other. James I. King of England, asking Lord Bacon
" Then you may tell your master,” replied the what he thought of he French ambassador; he
shepherd, “his living wont maintain three of us.' answered, that he was a tall, proper man,

Av.
replied the king, “ what think you of his headpiece?
CHARLES II. AND MR. PENN.
Is he a proper man for an ambassador ?

Sir, When Mr. Penn went to pay his respects to said Bacon, “ tall men are like high houses, wherein Charles II. that King observing that the Quaker commonly the uppermost rooms are worst furnished." did not remove bis hat, took off his own bat, and stvod uncovered before Penn; who said, “prithee, friend Charles, put on thy hat." No," says the

A person who had just two thousand a year, being King," friend Penn, it is usual for only one man to unwilling to leave any thing to his heirs, resolved to be covered here."

spend, not only the annual income, but also the

principal. He accordingly made a calculation, that A PRAYER TOO QUICKLY ORANTED.

he could not possibly live longer than fourscure With folded hands, and lifted eyes,

years; but, bappening to survive all, be found him “ Have mercy, Heaven!" the parson cries self reduced to beg ary during the last half-dozen And on our sun-burnt, thirsty plains,

years of his life ; and actually begged charity from Thy blessings send in genial rains !"

door to door, whining out, " Pray give something to The sermon ended and the prayers,

a poor man, who has lived longer than be expected." The parson to be gone prepares ; When with a look of brighten'd smiles" Thank Heaven, it rains, cries farmer Giles. Æsop went with a number of slaves to be sold, · Rains !' quoth the parson, ' Sure you joke'

and being questioned as to their respective talents, Rain! Heav'n forbid ! I've got no cloak. one said he could do this thing, another that, anda

third could do everything. When it came to THE FORGETFUL MAN. '

Æsop's turn, his master asked him what he could When Jack was poor, the lad was frank and free; do, he answered “ Nothing." " How can tbst

Of late he's grown brim full of pride and pelf : possibly be,” said his master, Why," replied No wonder that he don't remember me;

Æsop, as the man before me says he will do every Why so ? you see he has forgot himself.

thing, there can be nothing left for me to do." TAKING AT A WORD.

CONTRABAND INTELLECT. A country rector one day gave bis curate a list A Scotch nobleman, chatting with an English of the sick persons in the parish, in order that he lady, she asked, hon it happened that the Scots in might visit them. Soon after the rector inquiring general made a much better figure from home than in about a poor woman, the curate replied that she Scotland. “Oh,” said he, " nothing is so easily acwas dead. The rector said Urat he had just then counted for. For the honour of the nation, persons niet ber in the street; the curate, in luis defence, are stationed at every egress, to sec that none leave

ÆSOP IN SLAVERY

FLYING FROM CHURCH.

the country but' men of abilities.”_" Then,” an Ireland." The landlady of the inn, hearing these ywered she," I suspect your lordship was smuggled.” words, when the doctor went down stairs with the PAINTER, POTS AND ALL.

mayor, hastened into the room, opened the box, took

out the commission, and put a pack of cards in its A painter was employed in painting a West place. When the doctor returned, he put his box India ship in the river, suspended on a stage under into the portmanteau without suspicion, and the the ship's slern. The captain, who had just got next morning sailed for Dublin. On his arrival he into the boat alongside, for the purpose of going waited upon the Lord Licutenant and Privy Council, ashore, ordered the boy to let go the painter (the to whom he made a speech relating to his business, Tope which makes fast the boat): the boy instantly and then presented the box to lis Lordship; but on went aft, and let go the rope by which the painter's opening it, there appeared a pack of cards with the stage was held. The captain surprised at the boy's knave of clubs upperinost. The doctor was petrified, delay, cried out, “ You lazy dog, why don't you

and assured the conspany that he had a commission, let go the painter ?” The boy replied, “ He's gone, but what was become of it he could not tell. The Sir, pols and all."

Lord Lieutenant answered, “Let us have another DEAN SWIFT'S DEAFNESS.

commission, we will shufrie the cards the meanwhile." Diaf, giddy, helpless, left alone,

Before, however, the doctor could get his commission To all my friends a burthen grown,

renewed, tiie Queen died.
No ipore I hear my church's bell
Than if it rang out for my knell :
At thunder now no more I start,

A famous aeronaut once applied to a certain dean Than at the rumbling of a cart:

to grant him leave to ascend in an air balloon from

the top of his cathedral. The prelate answered, Nay, what's incredible, alack!

that he could not comply with his request, it being I hardly hear a woman's clack.

contrary to his profession; as the tenor of his disTISH AND PLESI.

course was to induce people to come to church, and Cardinal Wolscy, being one day in company with

not to encourage them to tly from it his courtiers, the conversation fell on the institution of Lent, when the Cardinal said the reason it took place was, that the Apostles were fishermen and it

A physician ordered a patient to live higher (i.c. promoted the fish trade.-One of the courtiers an.

more freely): the poor man wistook the doctor, and swered, “Well, Cardipal, when you are Pope you removed to the garret, where, unfortunately, he ex, will certainly strike it out of the calendar, for you

pired before his next visit. Temaeruber your father was a butcher." PERSECUTION PREVENTED.

A West Indian, with a remarkably fiery nose, At the end of Queen Mary's reign, a commission having fallen asleep in his chair, a negro-boy, who was granted to one Dr. Cole, a bigoted papist, to go was in waiting, observed a musquito hovering round over to Ireland, and commence a fiery persecution his face. Quashi eyed the insect very attentively; izainst the Protestants of that kingdoni. On coming at last he saw him alight on his master's nose, and to Chester, the doctor was wnited upon by the mayor, immediately fly off. “Ah, in your beart," exto whom he sbewed his cominission with great triumph, claimed the negro, “me d-n glad to see you burn saying, “ Here is what shals lash the heretics of your foot."

LIVING HIGH.

NEGRO WIT

SINCERITY VERSUS MANNERS

torted, “

MODERY CRITICISM.

FAMILY WIT.

CUTTING MISTAKF.

" Oh!

of being even with him ; accordingly, when it came Mr. Fox, on his canvass, having solicited a trades- to his turn to preach before the corporation, in the man for his vote, the blunt elector replied, “I can

prayer before the sermon he made use of the follow. not give you my support ; I admire your abilities, ing expressions : “ And since, O Lord! thou hast but c-n your principles !” Mr. For instantly re

commanded us to pray for our enemies, herein vo My friend, I applaud your sincerity, but beseech thee for the right worshipful the nayor :

give him the strength of Sampson, and the courage of dwn your manners.

David ; that he may knock down sin like an ox, and

cut the throat of iniquity like a sucking-calf; and let When Churchill's Prophecy of Famine made its his horn be exalted above his brethren." appearance, the sale was rather duil. Meeting his publisher in the pit of one of the theatres, Churchill asked him if he heard how it soll. The other told The celebrated Lady Wallace, when a very young him the sale was extensive since the Reviewers girl, was romping near a mill-dur, and had often very d-ned it. Aye,” says

the

poet, “ that is ful- incautiously approached the brink of the water, when filling the Scripture, Out of the mouths of babes and her mother called to her—" For God's sake, girl, be sucklings I have ordained strength.""

more cautious, or you will most certainly tuuble into the water and be drowned.”_" I'll be damm'a if I

do, mamma,” replied the young punster. A Frenchman, on landing at Daver, went into a barber's shop to be shaved. The poor man's cheeks child,” remarked her mother, " that wit of yours will

one day prove your ruin."--" I'm sure, then, it wont were so much collapsed, that the barber was under

be mother-wit," retorted the minx.
the necessity of thrasting his fingers into his customer's
mouth to assist the operation. “O mon Dieu, men
Dieu !" exclaimed the Frencbinan, whilst the barber
was dashing away, me be damnably cut."

" Con-
An Irishnian purchased the sixteenth of a lottery

In a found your ihin lautem jaws, replied Strop, “ I have ticket, for which he paid a guinea and a half.

few days it came up a prize of twenty pounds, and cut my fingers cursedly through your cheek.''

on application at the lottery office, he receiver three

and-twenty shillings for his share. A witły divine received an invitation to dinner l'at, I'm glad it's no worse; as it was but a iwoniy written on the ten of hearts, by a young lariy of pound, I have only lost eight and sapere; but if it great beauty, merit, and fortune ; on which the geri had been a twenty thousand I must have been ruined.tleman thought he had now a good opportunity to

LAWYERS' WICS. give the lady a di tant hint of his liopes : he wrote therefore, the following lines on the same card :-- A late attorney-general receiving a client, who was “ Your compliments, lady, I pray you forbear,

intimate with him, in his library, the yenilenan exFor old English service is uh more sincere;

pressed surprise at the number of wins that were You've sent me ten hearts, but the tythe's only mine,

hanging up “ Yes, there are several," replies the lawyer ;

thut," pointing to a scratch, is my comSo giro me one heart, and take back t'other nine.”

inon business wig; that my chancery wig: that my

house of lords wig; and that my court wig.' And A Cantab having been affronted by the mayor, pray, Sir, where is your honest man's wig who was a butcher, resolveu 10 take an opportunity I replied the lawyer, " that's not projessional."

DANGEROUS PRIZE

TIIE TYTHE HEART.

“ Well," says

CHRISTIAN PORGIVENESS.

[ocr errors]

.“ 0,"

ROYAL PREROGATIVE,

SCOTCH TENACITY.

was oppressive ; on which the Quaker recommended When the affair of Lord Melville was brought for her to throw off a petticoat. The lady replied, ward in the House of Communs, a gentleman men

“ Between you and I, friend, I have but one on.' tioned in company that his Lordship had quitted his

“ And between thee and me," replied Broad Brim, place.“ Did you ever,' said a lady present," hear

« even that is one too many." cla Scotchman quitting his place?" "Yes, Madam,”

AN EQUIVALENT. replied the gendeman, " his native place.”.

When Quin was one day lamenting his growing IRISR ECONOMY.

old, a pert young fellow asked him what he would An Irish officer having lost a parcel of silk stock

now give to be as young as he. “I would be conings, sent a bellman about to offer a reward for them, tent," replied Quini

, " to be as foolish.” which was so small , that a friend observed he could

THE MISER'S DEATH-DED. : not expect to recover them ; " Ah! by J-," says Paddy, “ I advertised them as worsted'ories.”

The old gentleman was on his death-bed. The

whole family, and Dick among the number, gathered "THROW PHYSIC TO THE DOGS."

around him." I leave my second son, Andrew,” A doctor coming to see his patient, inquired if he said the expiring miser, my whole estate, and kod followed his prescription. “ No, truly, Doctor,' desire him to be frugal." Andrew, in a sorrowful said the man, “If I bad, I should have broken my tone, as is usual on these occasions, prayed heaven beck, for I threw it out of a two-pair of stairs window." to prolong his life and health to enjoy it himseli.

“ I recommend Simon, my third son, to the care of

his elder brother, and leave him beside four thouGeorge the First complained, op his arrival in sand pounds.” " Ah! father,” cried Simon, (in England, that the people did not understand property: great afliction to be sure) "may heaven give you " This is a strange country," said his Majesty, "the life and health to enjoy it yourself.” At last, turufirst morning after my arrival at St. James's, I looked ing to poor Dick, “ As for you, you have always vut at the windoki, and saw a park with walks; a

been a sad dog; you'll never come to good ; you'll canal, &c. which they told me were mine. The next

never be rich ; I'll leave you a shilling to buy an day Lord Chetwynd, the ranger of my park, sent me halter.” “ Ab! father," cries Dick, without any a fine brace of carp out of my canal; and I was told, emotion, “ may heaven give you life and health to | Bust give five guineas to Lord Chetwyad's servant enjoy it yourself.” far bringing me my own carp out of my own canal, in nyewe park!"

ONLY BELIEVE HALF A REPORT.
NOTE OF INTERROGATION.

When Miss Chudleigh, afterwards Duchess of Mr. Pope, sneering at the ignorance of a young Kingston, once met Lord Chesterfield in the rooms tan, asked thim if he knew w at an interrogation at Bath, they began to talk of the company present, was? “Yes, Sir," said he, “ 'uis a little crooked and the lady was very comniunicative in her narrathing that asks questions."

live of things said of 1.ad y Caroline, Miss Langnis. ness, &c. &c. and concluded by remarking," lot

much of this may be scandal ; for, do you know, my A Quaker, remarkable for his gallantry to the fair lord, that since I was lately confined to my chan,ber m, ww. one day walking with a handsome young by illness, they have spread an infamous report of lady, who remarked to him, that the set of the day my being brought to bed of twins.'s "O, my deur

GOLDSMITH

ONE TOO MANY.

LACONIC LETTER AND ANSWER

AN EYE KNOCKED OUT.

a

lady, do not be uneasy,” replied the peer, “ for | mallet in his hand, presided at the head of the table. my past, I have long made up my mind only to I could not avoid, upon my entrance, making use believe balf of what the town says."

of all my skill in physiognomy, in order to discover

that superiority of genius in men who had taken a Lord Bulkeley, on the morning subsequent to his title so superior to the rest of nuankind. I expected marriage, communicated his happiness to his friend

to see the lines of every face marked with strong the Duke of Dorset in the following laconic epistle : thinking; but though I had sone skill in this “ Dear Dorset,

science, I could for my life discover nothing but a I an the happiest dog alive,

pert simper, fat, or profound stupidity. Yours, Bulkeley."

My speculations were soon interrupted by the To which the answer was,

Grand, who had bnocked down Mr. Spriggins for a “ Dear Bulkeley,

song. I was, upon this, whispered by one of the Every dog bas his day.

company who sat next me, that I should now see Yourg, Dorset."

something touched off to a nicety, for Mr. Spriggins was going to give uz Mad Tom in all its glory.

Mr. Spriggins endeavoured to excuse himself; for, Mr. Curran, the late celebrated Irish advocate, as he was to act a madman and a king, it was imvas walking one day with a friend, who was ex- possible to go through the part properly without a tremely puuctilious in bis conversation ; bearing crown and chains. His excuses were over-ruled by person near him say curosity for curiosity, l:c ex a great majority, and with much vociferation. The claimed, “ How that man murders the English president ordered up the jack-chain,

aud, io. language!" “ Not so bad,” replied Curran, " he stead of a crown, our performer covered his brows has only knocked on I oul.”

with an inverted jordan. After he had rattled his chain, and shook his head, to the great delight of

the wbole company, he began his song: As I have This is to certify, that I Daniel O'Flanaghan, am not the person that was tasted and feathered by the

heard few young fellows offer to sing in company Liberty Mob on Tuesday last ; and that I am ready disappointment to me to Ind Mr. Spriggins among

that did not expose themselves, it was no great to give twenty guineas to any one that will bet me fifty that I am the other man who goes by my name.

the number ; however, not to seem an odd fish, I Witness my hand, this 30th July.

rose from my seat in rapture, cried out, Bravo! DANIEL O'FLANAGHAN

Encore! and slapped the table as loud as any of

the rest. LONDON CLubs, in 1700.

The gentlenian who sat next me seemed highly The first club I entered, upon coming to town' pleased with my tasie and the ardour or my approwas that of the Choice Spirits. The name was balion; and whispering told me that I had suffered entirely suited to my taste ; I was a lover of mirth, an inmense loss; for, hvad I cone a few minutes good-bumour, and even sometimes of fun, from my sooner, I might have heard Gee-ho Dobbin sung in childhood.

a tip-top manner by the pimple nosed spirit äl the As no other passport was requisite but the pay president's right elbow; but be was evaporated ment of two shillings at the door, I introduced before I canie, myself without farther ceremony to the members, As I was expressing my uncasiness at this diswho were already assembled, and had for some appointinent, I found the attention of the company time begun upon business. The Grand, with a cmployed upon a fat figure, who, with a voice nwre

IRISH HAND BILL.

« VorigeDoorgaan »