TESTS OF WIT. la 1809, Sir Richard Phillips, the publisher, being about to print a new edition of the " Encyclopedia of Wit," resolved to test the whole by two separate minds, and gave to two very ingenious men a copy of the work, requesting each to erase the articles which did not strike him as piquant. They performed their tasks, and on returning their copies, the publisher found, to his utter astonishment, that, with few exceptions, each had erased what the other had retained, so that by their joint erasures, not a twentieth part of the original book remained. Confounded by the result, he now submitted the book to a third person, and he retained nearly every article which the others had erased, and struck out all that they kad retained. He was now reminded of the fable of "The Man, his Son, and the Ass," and perceiving that it was vain to endeavour to please every one, he reprinted his book without alteration, leaving it to his several readers to seek pleasure from the mass, each according to his own fancy. IRISH COURAGE. In 1563, the Earl of Desmond, a fierce and powerful chieftain, made an inroad on the possession of Butler, Earl of Ormond, when in the course of the war, the former was wounded and taken prisoner. As the Ormondierians conveyed him from the field, stretched en a bier, his supporters exclaimed, with natural triumph, "Where now is the great lord of Desmond?" "Where," replied Desmond, "but in his proper place?--Still on the necks of the Butlers." ETIQUETTE A country 'squire asked a Judge, while he was delivering his charge, if he had seen the rhinoceros? Upon which the Judge pansed. The esquire went on," Not seen the rhinoceros, my lord!" "To which his lordship replied," that the etiquette was not yet settled between them, as they both had their trumpets, which should visit the first, whether he should wait upon the rhinoceros or the rhinoceros upon him." DRYDEN'S WIFE This lady one day complained to her husband, that he was always reading, and took little notice of her, and finished by saying she wished that she was a book, and then she should enjoy his company. "Yes, my dear," says Dryden, "I wish you were a book,-but an Almanack I mean, for then I should change you every year." ON THE MARRIAGE OF AN OLD MAID. Chloe, a coquet in her prime, The vainest ficklest thing alive; Rust to a point, and fix at last. ON MISS FURY, BY LORD CHESTERFIELD. To look like an angel, the ladies believe, Is the greatest of blessings that Heaven can give; But on earth, believe me, fair nymphs, I assure ye, The blessing's far greater to look like a Fury. TASTE FOR WIT. Foote was rattling one evening, in the greenroom, when a nobleman, who seemed highly entertained, cried out, "well, Foote, you see I swallow all the good things." "Do you, my Lord Duke," says the other," then I congratulate you on your digestion, for I believe you never threw up one of them in your life." A RHAPSODY. As I walk'd by myself, I said to myself, Then I said to myself, and then answered myself: Look to thyself, or look not to thyself, 'Tis the self-same thing to me, ZEAL FOR PUBLIC WORSHIP A few years ago the Isle of Sheppey being an inconsiderable parish, and the income not very large, their vicar came there but once a month. The parishioners being much displeased with this, desired their clerk to remind him of his duty. The clerk told the vicar the sense of the parishioners; and the reply was, "Well, well, tell them, if they will give me ten pounds a year more, I will come to them once a fortnight; and be sure, Jonathan, to let me know their answer the next time I come." The next time he did come, he accordingly asked, and Jonathan answered, "Sir, they say, if you will excuse them ten pounds a year in their tithes, they will dispense with your coming at all." TOO CIVIL BY RALF. The Duke of Grafton was one day fox-hunting, near Newmarket, when a quaker, at some distance, upon an adjoining eminence, pulled off his hat and gave a loud halloa! The hounds immediately ran to him, and being drawn off the scent, were conse quently at fault, which so enraged the duke, that gallopping up to the offender, he asked, in an angry tone, "Are you a quaker:" "1 am, friend," was the reply." Well, then," rejoined his grace, you never pull off your hat to a Christian, I will thank you in future not to pay that compliment to a fox." A GOOSE'S REASON A Goose, my grannum one day said I begg'd her then the cause to show: What nothing but a goose could know. " 23 A physician being in a tavern one evening, a gentleman entered in great haste, exclaiming, "Doctor, my wife is at the point of death, make haste, come with me." "Not till I have finished my bottie, however " replied the Doctor. The man happened to be a fine athletic fellow, and finding the entreaty useless, snatched up the Doctor, hoisted him on his back, and carried him out of the tavern-the mo ment he set the Doctor upon his legs, he received from him the following threat: " Now, you rascal, I'll cure your wife in spite of you." HIGH PLAY. A gentleman once playing at cards, was guilty of an odd trick; on which the company, in the warmth of their resentment, threw him out of the windo of a one pair of stairs room. The sufferer meeting a friend some time after, was loudly complaining of this usage, and asked what he should do." D said the other, "why never play so high again. NOBLE BOXING. The late Lord Peterborough having been grossly insulted by a carman, deliberately stripped, and gave the fellow such a drubbing, that he could scarcely love a limb. A man seeing the transaction, came up at the conclusion of the affray, and asked the man if he knew the person with whom he had been boxing was a lord?" A lord!" says the fellow, a lord!-they may call him what they please, and he may be what he will, but I am sure, from the weight of that leaden fist of his that his father must have been a drayman.” " made the Doctor a profound bow, saying, "Doctor, his drift, immediately pulled off his beaver, and reI am yours to my shoe time." The Doctor, seeing ground." Rochester followed up his salutation by a turned the bow, with, My lord, I am yours to the deeper bow, saying, "Dr. I am yours to the centre.' My Barrow, with a very lowly obeisance, replied, lord, I am yours to the Antipodes.' His lordship, nearly gravelled, exclaimed, "Doctor, I am yours to the lowest pit of Hell."-" There, my lord," said Barrow, sarcastically, "I leave you," and walked off." ORATOR HENLEY. "I never," said a person, who knew little about the doctor, "saw Orator Henley but once, and that was at a Coffee house, where a gentleman he was acquainted with coming in, and seating himself in the same box, the following dialogue passed between them: Henley. Pray what is become of our old friend Smith? I have not seen him for several years. Gentleman. I really don't know. The last time I heard of him he was at Ceylon, or some of our settlements in the West Indies. Henley (with some surprise). At Ceylon, or some of our settlements in the West Indies! My good Sir, in one sentence there are two mistakes. Ceylon is not one of our settlements, it belongs to the Dutch; and it is situated not in the West but the East Indies! Gentleman (with some heat). That I deny. Henley. More shame for you! I will engage to bring a boy of eight years of age who will confute 300 THE HUNGRY DISPUTE. A hungry Frenchman one day went into a cook's shop, and there staid till his stomach was satisfied with the smell of the victuals. The cook insisted on his paying for a dinner, which the Frenchman refused to do; and the dispute growing high, it was agreed to refer the decision of it to the first man who passed that way. This happened to be a chimney sweeper, who, on hearing the case, determined that the Frenchman's money should be shaken between two empty dishes, and the cook be satisfied with the gingling of it, as the poor man was content with the smell of the cook's meat. CEREMONY. A lady once invited Dean Swift to dinner, and as she had heard he was not easily pleased, she had taken a month to provide for it: every delicacy was The Dean was scarcely accordingly procured. seated before the lady said she was sincerely sorry that she had not a more tolerable dinner, since she was apprehensive there was not any thing fit for him to eat. "The deuce take you," said the Dean, why did you not provide a better, surely you had time enough; but since you say it is so bad, I'l é'en go home and eat a herring." DOG LATIN As Lady Mary Wortley Montague was walking through the gardens at Stow with a party, she was much teased by an impertinent young coxcomb, who was continually making some foolish observations to her. On coming to one of the temples, over which there was an inscription, she said, "be kind enough -"Madam," said to explain that inscription to us.' the fop, I really do not know what it means, for I see it is dog Latin."-"How very extraordinary it is," said Lady Mary, "that puppies do not understand their own language!" THE MAN OF FASHION'S DIARY. I laugh, joke, quarrel, fiddle, dance, game, drink, Do all that mortal man can do--but think GOLDEN GOOSE. When an English lady was some years ago on the continent, she stopped at an inn in French Flanders, which was the sign of the Golden Goose; but, arIn riving late, she ordered but a slight repast for herself and suite, which consisted of only five servants. the morning, when the landlord presented his bill, she was much surprised at one general item, of— In Expenses for the night, fourteen Louis D'ors." vain did she remonstrate; the artful Fleming knew her generous character, and was positive. money was accordingly paid. When she was preparing to depart, the landlord attended her to her carriage? and, expressing many thanks, hoped he should have the honour of her company on her resaid the lady, turn. Why, possibly you may,' "but it must be on one condition-that you do not again mistake me for your sign." TIT FOR TAT. Old Time kills us all Rich, poor, great and small, The And 'tis therefore we rack our invention, Throughout all our days, In finding out ways, To kill him, by way of prevention. BROTHERLY LOVE. An avaricious divine seeing a poor boy in a deplorable condition, called him to the door; and giving him a mouldy piece of bread, asked him if he could read, to which he answered in the negative; to the questions, whether he could say the Belief and the Lord's Prayer, the answer was the same. "Well," said the divine, "I will teach you that, "What "Our father!" repeated the poor boy say after me: Our father," said the instructor. your father as well as mine?" "Yes, certainly.' "To be sure we are," Then we are brothers!" was the reply. Why then," replied the boy, pulling the crust from under his coat, "how could you give your poor brother this mouldy piece of bread?" GRATITUDE. A parson, well known in his neighbourhood as a man of great oddity, humour, and equally great extravagance, once wanting a new wig, his old one defying all farther assistance of art, he applied to a barber, young in the business, to make him one. The tradesman, who was just going to dinner, begged the honour of his new customer's company at his meal, to which the parson readily consented. After dinner a large bowl of punch was produced, and the happy guest, with equal readiness, joined in its demolition. When it was out the barber was proceeding to business, and began to handle his measure, when his guest desired him to desist, saying he should not make his wig. "Why not !" exclaimed the Lonest host; "have I done any thing to offend you, Sir? Not in the least," replied the guest; "I find you are a very honest, good-natured fellow; o I will take somebody else in. Had you made it, you would never have been paid for it." WHOLESOME DOCTRINE When one who stood next, straight replied, with some gall "What is there to see, where there's nothing at all? "Ah! that is the Devil!" the wag said, "I swear; To open one's purse, and to see--nothing there!" SARAH DUCHESS OF MARLBOROUGH, When the proud Duke of Somerset, a little time before his death, paid a visit to Sarah Duchess of Marlborough, she insisted on his drinking with her glass of tokay, which had been presented to her hus band by the emperor. He assented, and she addressed him as follows: "My lord, I consider your race drinking a glass of wine with me as a very high honour, and I will beg leave to propose two healths, the most unpopular imaginable, and which nobody in the three kingdoms, except ourselves would drink: here is YOUR health and MINE." EPITAPH ON CHARLES II. Charles once said over his bottle, that he supposes some stupid peasant would write a nonsensical epitaph on him when he was gone," Now," says his A Welch parson, after divine service, used to Majesty, "I should like to have something appro play at cudgels with his parishioners in the church-priate and witty,-Rochester, let's have a touch of yard, which being told to the bishop of the diocese, he your pen on the subject." His Lordship obeyed was severely reprimanded: in his defence the parson command, and produced the following:said, that he took pains to instil the word of God "Here lies our Sovereign Lord the King, into them in the church, but as that would not do, he Whose promise none relied on; endeavoured to beat it into them in the church-yard. Who never said a foolish thing, And never did a wise one." THE MOUNTEBANK AND THE DEVIL. A mountebank once, it is said, at a fair, "Good people," he holloa'd, " your eyes now unfold, And say if within any thing you behold ?” the DR. FRANKLIN'S GRACE The Doctor when a child found the long graces used by his father before and after meals very te dious. One day after the winter's provision had been salted, "I think, Father," said Benjamin, “if you were to say grace over the whole cask once for all, it would be a great saving of time." THREE FOOLS. A proud parson and his man, riding over a common, saw a shepherd tending his flock in a new coat: the parson asked in a haughty tone, who gave him |