282

THE LAUGHING PHILOSOPHER.

have lived here so long, it is but natural to suppose of the oldest in London, you may view the different you should learn the conversation of the company. manners, pleasures, and follies, of men at different Believe me, dame, at best, you have neither too much periods. sense, nor too much language, to spare; so give me both as well as you can; but, first, my service to you: old women should water their clay a little now and then; and now to your story."

You will find mankind neither better nor worse now than formerly: the vices of an uncivilized people are generally more detestable, though not so frequent, as those in polite society. It is the same luxury which formerly stuffed your alderman with plumporridge, and now crams him with turtle. It is the same low ambition that formerly induced a courtier to give up his religion to please his king, and now persuades him to give up his conscience to please his minister. It is the same vanity that formerly stained our ladies cheeks and necks with woad and now paints them with carmine. Your ancient Briton formerly powdered his hair with red earth, like brick-dust, in order to appear frightful: your modern Briton cuts his hair on the crown, and plasters it with hog's-lard and flour; and this to make him look killing. It is the same vanity, the same folly, and In a word, all mankind the same vice, only appearing different, as viewed through the glass of fashion. are a-.

"The story of my own adventures," replied the vision, "is but short and unsatisfactory; for, believe me, Mr. Rigmarole, believe me, a woman with a butt of sack at her elbow, is never long-lived. Sir John's death afflicted me to such a degree, that I drank more sincerely believe, to drown sorrow, liquor myself than I drew for my customers: my grief was sincere, and the sack was excellent. The prior of a neighbouring convent (for our priors then had as much power as the Middlesex justice now) he, I say, it was who gave me a licence for keeping a disorderly house; upon condition, that I should never make hard bargains with the clergy, that he should have a bottle of sack every morning, and the liberty of confessing which of my girls he thought "Sure the woman is dreaming," interrupted I. proper in private every night. I had continued, "for this tribute; and he, it must be "None of your reflections, Mrs. Quickly, if you several years to pay I love me; they only give me the spleen. Tell me I love stories, but hate reaconfessed, continued as rigorously to exact it. grew old insensibly; my customers continued, how-your history at once. ever, to compliment my looks while I was by, but soning." If you please then, sir," returned my companion, I could hear them say I was wearing when my back was turned. The prior, however, still was constant," I'll read you an abstract, which I made of the three and so were half his convent: but one fatal morning hundred volumes I mentioned just now." "My body was no sooner laid in the dust, than he missed the usual beverage; for I had incautiously drank over night the last bottle myself. What will the prior and several of his convent came to purify you have on't?-The very next day Doll Tearsheet the tavern from the pollutions with which they said and I were sent to the house of correction, and ac-1 had filled it. Masses were said in every room, recused of keeping a low bawdy-house. In short, we were so well purified there with stripes, mortification and penance, that we were afterwards utterly unfit for worldly conversation: though sack would have killed me, had I stuck to it, yet I soon died for want of a drop of something comfortable, and fairly left my body to the care of the beadle.

"Such is my own history; but that of the tavern, where I have ever since been stationed, affords greater variety. In the history of this, which is one

lics were exposed upon every piece of furniture, and the whole house washed with a deluge of holywater. My habitation was soon converted into a monastery; instead of customers now applying for sack and sugar, my rooms were crowded with images, relics, saints, whores, and friars. Instead of being a scene of occasional debauchery, it was now filled with continual lewdness. The prior led the fashion, and the whole convent imitated his pious example. Matrons came hither to confess their sins, and to

commit new. Virgins came hither who seldom went virgins away. Nor was this a convent peculiarly wicked; every convent at that period was equally "Upon this, the priest supplied his champion, for it foad of pleasure, and gave a boundless loose to was not lawful for the clergy to fight; and the deappetite. The laws allowed it; each priest had a fendant and plaintiff, according to custom, were put right to a favourite companion, and a power of dis. in prison; both ordered to fast and pray, every carding her as often as he pleased. The laity grum-method being previously used to induce both to a bled, quarrelled with their wives and daughters, hated confession of truth. After a month's imprisonment, their confessors, and maintained them in opulence and ease. These, these were happy times, Mr. Rigmarole; these were times of piety, bravery, and simplicity!" "Not so very happy, neither, good madam; pretty much like the present; those that labour starve; and those that do nothing, wear fine clothes and live in luxury."

was obliged to take it up, in token of his accepting the challenge.

the hair of each was cut, the bodies anointed with oil, the field of battle appointed and guarded by soldiers, while his majesty presided over the whole in person. Both the champions were sworn not to seek victory either by fraud or magic. They prayed and confessed upon their knees; and after these ceremonies, the rest was left to the courage and con"In this manner the fathers lived, for some years, duct of the combatants. As the champion whom the without molestation; they transgressed, confessed prior had pitched upon, had fought six or eight times themselves to each other, and were forgiven. One upon similar occasions, it was no way extraordinary evening, however, our prior keeping a lady of dis- to find him victorious in the present combat. In tition somewhat too long at confession, her husband short, the husband was discomfited; he was taken expectedly came in upon them, and testified all from the field of battle, stripped of his shirt, and the indignation which was natural upon such an oc- after one of his legs was cut off, as justice ordained casion. The prior asured the gentleman that it was in such cases, he was hanged as a terror to future the devil who had put it into his heart; and the lady offenders. These, these were the times, Mr. Rig was very certain, that she was under the influence marole! you see how much more just, and wise, and of magic, or she could never have behaved in so un- valiant, our ancestors were than us." "I rather faithful a manner. The husband, however, was not fancy, madam, that the times then were pretty much to be put off by such evasions, but summoned both like our own; where a multiplicity of laws give a before the tribunal of justice. His proofs were fla-judge as much power as a want of law; since he is grant, and he expected large damages. Such, indeed, ever sure to find among the number some to counhe had a right to expect, were the tribunals of those tenance his partiality." days constituted in the same manner as they are now. The cause of the priest was to be tried before an assembly of priests; and a layman was to expect redress only from their impartiality and candour, What plea then do you think the prior made to obviate this accusation? He denied the fact, and challenged the plaintiff to try the merits of their cause by single combat. It was a little hard, you may be sure, upon the poor gentleman, not only to be made a cuckold, but to be obliged to fight a duel into the bargain; yet such was the justice of the times. The por threw down his glove, and the injured husband

"Our convent, victorious over their enemies, now gave a loose to every demonstration of joy. The lady became a nun, the prior was made bishop, and three Wickliffites were burned in the illuminations and fire-works that were made on the present occasion. Our couvent now began to enjoy a very high degree of reputation. There was not one in London that had the character of hating heretics so much as ours. Ladies of the first distinction chose from our convent their confessors; in short, it flourished, and might have flourished to this hour, but for a fatal accident which terminated in its over

"Under the care of this lady, the tavern grew into great reputation; the courtiers had not yet learned to game, but they paid it off by drinking; drunkenness is ever the vice of a barbarous, and gaming of a luxurious age. They had not such fre quent entertainments as the moderns have, but were more expensive and more luxurious in those they had. All their fooleries were more elaborate, and more admired by the great and the vulgar than now. A courtier has been known to spend his whole fortune at a single feast, a king to mortgage his dominions to furnish out the frippery of a tournament. There were certain days appointed for riot and de bauchery, and to be sober at such times was reputed a crime. Kings themselves set the example; and I have seen monarchs in this room drunk before the entertainment was half concluded. These were the times, sir, when kings kept mistresses, and got drunk in public; they were too plain and simple in those happy times to hide their vices, and act the hypocrite, as now.

throw. The lady whom the prior had placed in a to be supposed it could subsist any longer; the fa nunnery, and whom he continued to visit for some thers were ordered to decamp, and the house was time with great punctuality, began at last to perceive once again converted into a tavern. The king conthat she was quite forsaken. Secluded from conver- ferred it on one of his cast mistresses; she was consation, as usual, she now entertained the visions of stituted landlady by royal authority; and as the a devotee; found herself strangely disturbed; but tavern was in the neighbourhood of the court, and hesitated in determining, whether she was possessed the mistress a very polite woman, it began to have by an angel or a dæmon. She was not long in sus- more business than ever; and sometimes took not pence; for, upon vomiting a large quantity of crooked less than four shillings a day. pins, and finding the palms of her hands turned outwards, she quickly concluded that she was possessed by the devil. She soon lost entirely the use of speech; and, when she seemed to speak, every body that was present perceived that her voice was not her own, but that of the devil within her. In short, she was bewitched; and all the difficulty lay in determining who it could be that bewitched her. The nuns and monks all demanded the magician's name, but the devil made no reply; for he knew they had no authority to ask questions. By the rules of witchcraft, when an evil spirit has taken possession, he may refuse to answer any questions asked him, unless they are put by a bishop, and to these he is obliged to reply. A bishop, therefore, was sent for, and now the whole secret came out the devil reluctantly owned that he was a servant of the prior; that, by his command, he resided in his present habitation; and that, without his command, he was resolved to keep in possession. The bishop was an able exorcist; he drove the devil out by force of mystical arms; the prior was arraigned for witchcraft; the witnesses Upon this lady's decease the tavern was succeswere strong and numerous agaiust him, not less than sively occupied by adventurers, bullies, pimps and fourteen persons being by, who had heard the devil gamesters. Towards the conclusion of the reign of talk Latin. There was no resisting such a cloud of Henry VII. gaming was more universally practised in witnesses; the prior was condemned; and he who England than even now. Kings themselves have been had assisted at so many burnings, was burned him-known to play off, at Primero, not only all the money self in turn. These were times, Mr. Rigmarole; the people of those times were not infidels, as now, but sincere believers!" "Equally faulty with ourselves they believed what the devil was pleased to tell them; and we seem resolved, at last, to believe neither God nor devil."

and jewels they could part with, but the very images in churches. The last Henry played away, in this very room, not only the four great bells of St. Paul's cathedral, but the fine image of St. Paul, which stood. upon the top of the spire, to Sir Miles Partridge, whe took them down the next day, and sold them by auction.

GOLDSMITH,

ARTICLES FOUND IN A KITCHEN DRAWER.

"The last hostess of note I find upon record was in the house, and was now got into the story of the Jane Rouse. She was born among the lower ranks cracked glass in the dining-room. of the people; and by frugality and extreme complaisance, contrived to acquire a moderate fortune: this she might have enjoyed for many years, had she not unfortunately quarrelled with cue of her neighbours, a woman who was in high repute for sanctity through the whole parish. In the times of which I speak, two women seldom quarrelled, that one did not accuse the other of witchcraft, and she who first contrived to vomit crooked pins was sure to come off victorious. The scandal of a modern tea-table differs widely from the scandal of former times; the fascination of a lady's eyes at present, is regarded as a compliment; but if a lady, formerly, should be accused of having witchcraft in her eyes, it were much better both for her soul and body, that she had no eyes at all.

"In short, Jane Rouse was accused of witchcraft; and though she made the best defence she could, it was all to no purpose; she was taken from her own bar to the bar of the Old Bailey, condemned and executed accordingly. These were times, indeed! when even women could not scold in safety.

"Since her time the tavern underwent several re volutions, according to the spirit of the times, or the disposition of the reigning monarch. It was this day a brothel, and the next a conventicle for enthusiasts. It was one year noted for harbouring whigs, and the Text infamous for a retreat to tories. Some years ago it was in high vogue, but at present it seems declining. This only may be remarked in general, that, whenever taverns flourish most, the times are then most extravagant and luxurious."-" Lord! Mrs. Quickly," interrupted I, "you have really deceived me; I expected a romance, and here you have been this half hour giving me only a description of the spirit of the times; if you have nothing but tedious remarks to communicate, seek some other hearer; I am determined to hearken only to stories."

I had scarce concluded, when my eyes and ears seemed opened to my landlord, who had been all this while giving me an account of the repairs he had made

Written in the age of Shakspeare.
Three aprons, two dusters, the face of a pig,
A dirty jack towel, a dish-clout and wig
A foot of a stocking, three caps and a frill,
A busk and six buttons, mouse-trap and a quill;
A comb and a thimble, with Madona bands,
A box of specific for chops in the hands;
Some mace and some cloves tied up in a rag,
An empty thread paper and blue in a bag;
Short pieces of ribbon, both greasy and black,
A grater and nutmeg, the key of the jack;
An inch of wax candle, a steel and a flint,
A bundle of matches, a parcel of mint;
A lump of old suet, a crimp for the paste,
A pair of red garters, a belt for the waist;
A rusty bent skewer, a broken brass cock,
Some onions and tinder, and the draw'r lock;
A bag for the pudding, a whetstone and string,
A penny cross-bun, and a new curtain ring;
A print for the butter, a dirty chemise,
Two pieces of soap, and a large slice of cheese;
Five teaspoons of tin, a large lump of rosin,
The feet of a hare, and corks by the dozen;
A card to tell fortunes, a sponge and a can,
A pen without ink, and a small patty-pan;
A rolling-pin pasted, and common prayer book,
Are the things which I found in the drawer of the

cook.

A LONG TASK.

The Rev. Mr. Milne, in a Report of the Missionary Society for China, says, "We want, sir, fifty millions of New Testaments for China; and after that about one-sixth of the population only would be supplied. I would ask no higher honour on earth, than to distribute the said number." Now, if Mr. Milne had. commenced the distribution of the said number at the time the Ark rested on Mount Ararat, and had