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THE LAUGHING PHILOSOPHER.

"A light heart and a thin pair of breeches, Go through the world, my brave boys;"

but the latter qualification is better for going through the world on foot than on horseback; so uncle Toby found it, and so did Huntington, who must be his own historian: no language but his own can do justice to such a story; and it is in itself so pithy, that to use the words of Fuller the Worthy, all compendium would be dispendium thereof.

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Having now had my horse for some time, and riding a great deal every week, I soon wore my I hope breeches out, as they were not fit to ride in. the reader will excuse my mentioning the word breeches, which I should have avoided, had pot this passage of scripture obtruded into my mind, just as I had resolved in my own thoughts not to mention this And thou shalt make kind providence of God. them linen breeches to cover their nakedness; from the loins even unto the thighs shall they reach. And they shall be upon Aaron and upon his sons when they come into the tabernacle of the congregation, or when they come near unto the altar to minister in the holy place; that they bear not iniquity and die. It shall be a statute for ever unto him and his seed after him," Exod. xxviii. 42, 43. By which, and three others, namely, Ezek. xliv. 18; Lev. vi. 10; and Lev. xvi. 4; I saw that it was no crime to mention the word breeches, nor the way in which God sent them to me; Aaron and his sons being clothed entirely by Providence; and as God himself condescended to give orders what they should be made And I believe the of, and how they should be cut. same God ordered mine, as I trust it will appear in the following history.

"The scripture tells us to call no man master, for one is our master, even Christ. I therefore told my most bountiful and ever-adored Master what I wanted; and he, who stripped Adam and Eve of their fig-leaved aprons and made coats of skins and clothed them; and who clothes the grass of the field, which to-day is and to-morrow is cast into the oven; must clothe us, or we shall soon go naked; so Israel found it, when God took away his wool and his flax, |

which he gave to cover their nakedness, and which
they prepared for Baal; for which iniquity were their
skirts discovered, and their heels made bare, Jer.
"I often made very free in my prayers with my
xiii. 22.
invaluable Master for this favour; but he still kept
At last I was determined to go to a friend
me so amazingly poor that I could not get them at
of mine at Kingston, who is of that branch of busi-
any rate.
ress, to bespeak a pair; and to get him to trust me
until my Master sent me money to pay him. ]
was that day going to London, fully determined to
bespeak them, as I rode through the town. However
when I passed the shop I forgot it; but when I cam
to London I called on Mr. Croucher, a shoemake
in Shepherd's Market, who told me a parcel was lef
there for me, but what it was he knew not.
it, and behold there was a pair of leather breeches, wit
a note in them! the substance of which was, to the
the best of my remembrance, as follows:

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Sir, I have sent you a pair of breeches, an hope they will fit. I beg your acceptance of them and, if they want any alteration, leave in a note whi the alteration is, and I will call in a few days an alter them.

"J. S.

"I tried them on, and they fitted as well as if had been measured for them; at which I was amaze having never been measured by any leather breeche maker in London. I wrote an answer to the note this effect:

46

Sir, I received your present, and thank you f it. I was going to order a pair of leather breech to be made, because I did not know till now that n Master had bespoke them of you. They fit very we which fully convinces me that the same God wi moved thy heart to give, guided thy hand to cu because he perfectly knows my size, having clothe me in a miraculous manner for near five years. Whe you are in trouble, sir, I hope you will tell my Mast of this, and what you have done for me, and he w repay you with honour."

This is as near as I am able to relate it, and added,

THE LAUGHING PHILOSOPHER.

"I cannot make out I. S. unless I put I. for Israelite | for tutors or proctors, for masters or vice-chancelindeed, and S. for Sincerity; because you did not lors, since his whole aim is pleasure and amusement, sound a trumpet before you, as the hypocrites do."

HOW PO OBTAIN THE DEGREE OF BACHELOR OF ARTS

IN CAMBRIDGE UNIVERSITY.

since a day's hard reading would drive him half mad or give him the blue devils; since subordination is a Word of the meaning of which he professes to be ignorant; and since rows and sprees are the delight The aspiring student who may be ignorant of the of his soul. He is never seen in academicals till hall course of study he is to pursue at the University, time, or towards evening, and then only puts them will find ample information in the pages of the Cam-on for "dacency's sake," or because it is a custom bridge Calendar; but as he cannot be expected to throughout the "varsity." But in the day, he is seen devote every hour of his undergraduateship to read-in a Jarvey tile, or a low-crowned-broad-brim, a pair ing, he must find out amusements for his leisure mo- of white swell tops, varmint inexpressibles, a regular ments, and a few agreeable friends to be the com- flash waistcoat, and his coat of a nameless cut; his panions of his mirth, and his exercises, as well as his cloth" of the most uncommon pattern, tied after his studies. To obtain companions, he must be inducted, own way, and a short crookt-stick or bit o' plant in his and to pass his leisure time in conviviality and mirth, hand; and thus he goes out riding: or he may dress he must give or be invited to entertainments. At differently, and lounge through the streets, always in these entertainments he will meet with other promis- company with a friend or two, visiting saddlers, miling young men of various descriptions, and he will liners, barbers, bootmakers, and tailors; or looking in rally be inducted to, and make acquaintances at a friend's rooms, and to arrange matters for the amongst, a portion of these young men. Now it is day: or, if fine, he may make up a water-party, if in adeniable that a young man for his improvement, the summer term, and go down the Camus in a sixZental as well as coporeal, must see society; and he will naturally copy the manners of his college acquaintances, in order that he might not seem a different being amongst them. He will enter into their pursuits, do the same as they do, and, in short, proceed to the degree of B. A. in the regular varmint

manner.

oar, dine at Clay-hive, or Ditton, or take a snack at Chesterton, and return in the evening; or he may walk out to Chesterton to play at billiards, and return plus or minus the sum he started with; or he may drive out in a buggy; or do fifty other things, and enter into fifty other schemes, all productive of amusement. In the evening he dines at his own rooms, Now the varmint way to proceed to B. A. degree or at those of a friend, and afterwards blows a cloud, is this-Cut lectures, go to chapel as little as possi-puffs at a segar, and drinks copiously. He then ble, dine in hall seldom more than once a week, give Gandies and Spreads, keep a horse or two, go to Newmarket, attend the six-mile bottom, drive a drag, wear varmint clothes and well-built coats, be up to smoke a rum one at Barnwell, a regular go at New Zealand, a staunch adınirer of the bottle, and care a damn for no man. "At lucre or renown let others aim," for a varmint-man spurns a scholarship, would consider it a degradation to be a fellow, and as for taking an honour, it would be about the very last idea that could enter his head. What cares he • Celebrated as the residences of the Cyprian tribes.

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sings a song, tells a story, comments on the events
of the day, talks of horses, gives his opinion on the
ensuing race between Highflyer and Emilius, or
makes bets on the late fight between Spring and
Langan. After this the whole party sit down to
unlimited loo, and half-guinea, or guinea points, and
here again he comes off plus or minus 401. or 501.
If he has lost, he is no way concerned at it, for he
is sure of winning as much the succeeding night; he
therefore takes his glass or sits down to supper,
gets to bed about two or three in the morning. De-
termined to sleep a few, after having cast off his

and

274

THE LAUGHING PHILOSOPHER.

habiliments, he hops into bed, and snores-somno rustication or expulsion. Thus dismissed the august vinoque gravatus, till about six in the evening, and presence, he recounts this jobation to his friends, and then gets up more sleepy than ever. He dresses; but enters into a discourse on masters, deans, tutors, and But is this all? no. He has resolved having no appetite, eats nothing, drinks a glass of proctors, and votes chapel a bore, and gates a comsoda-water, and walks to a friend's rooms, where he plete nuisance. relates his adventures and excites the risibility of his to treat the dons with contempt, and go on more gaily auditors. He then resolves on a ride, and without than ever. Accordingly he cuts chapel, and issues togging for the occasion, just puts on his tile and forth at night sine cap and gown, with a segar in his mounts his prad. Determining to be very steady and mouth. He is determined to have a lark with two or sober for the future, i. e. for the next twelve hours, three more, and away they go. While they are pullhe urges his steed along the Trumpington Road, goes ing the girls about in the street, up comes the procPray, sir, may I ask if you are a member of out by the Shelford Common, and returns home be- tor: " tween eight and nine. He then feels as if he could the University?"-"Yes, sir, I am."-" Your name eat something, and accordingly he does, by way of and college, sir, if you please." It is given without supper, and retires to his rooms, with an intention of the least hesitation. The next morning a bull-dog But lo! calls on Mr. Varmint to deliver a message from the being quiet, and in order to go early to bed. he is told by his gyp that the master or dean has proctor, viz:-That he is fined 6s. 8d. for being in the sent a message desiring to see him the next morning. streets without his cap and gown, and that he would Well knowing what this is for, he goeth to bed and be glad to see him at twelve o'clock that day. Now cons over in his own mind what to say in extenuation he has to call on the proctor, and in he goes with a of his irregularities, and he so falleth to sleep. Next very surly countenance. The proctor puts on one of day, he calls at the appointed time, when the M. C. his most severe phizzes, and informs him that his with a countenance not to be surpassed in gravity, conduct in the streets last night was most ungentleinforms him for the last week he has been very irre-man-like and improper, against every rule of order gular, and requires an account of the circumstances and propriety, and in open opposition to the Academic For the discipline, and contempt of him and his office. That which occasioned the said irregularity. gate-bill thus standeth: Monday night, out till three such conduct deserved much severer chastisement o'clock; Tuesday half past four; Wednesday half than he was willing to inflict, but that he should be past two; Thursday half past three; Friday half past neglecting the duty he owed to his office and the four; Saturday-all night. His excuses are that he University if he overlooked it. He therefore desires has been at different parties, where he was detained him to get three hundred verses of Homer's Iliad, late, and where he has found the society so agreeable, Book second, by heart, and requests he will by no and the time fly so imperceptibly fast, that morning means leave the University until it is said. After has broke in upon him ere he imagined it was an hour a great deal of opposition, excuses, and protestations, past midnight. This draws down a very heavy in- he finds himself not a bit better off, for the proctor vective against parties altogether, and a still longer will not mitigate a syllable, and he is obliged to and more tedious lecture on the dangerous tendency stomach the impos. and retire. For the first hour or of such conduct, so directly opposite to the laws and two afterwards he makes himself very uneasy about discipline of the University; and a conclusive para- this, but he at length resolves not to learn it, whatgraph containing (amongst other things) a pardon for ever should be the consequence. He therefore goes past offences, but with an assurance that a repetition out to a party, makes himself very merry, and cares of similar conduct cannot but meet with a concomi- not a fig about the matter. Next morning he haptant cheque in proportion to its enormity, in either pens, unlucky wig to meet with the dean, who

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not been to chapel lately? I have very seriously to complain of your non-attendance. You have not attended for nearly a fortnight, excepting Sundays, and you cannot expect that I, or any man, in the capacity I hold, can overlook such gross irregularity. However, you may think what you like, but I am determined to do my duty towards the college, and to see that you attend regularly. But as that has by no means been the case, and as you have so disrespect. fully absented yourself, I really must take notice of it in a severe way. I am very sorry for it, nobody more 80, but it is an imperative duty I must fulfil. You will get by heart 500 lines of Virgil, the 7th Æneid, and I expect it will be said with alacrity and promptitude. Good morning, sir." So here is Mr. Varmint with two impositions in hand which must be very Soon in head: one, if not said, will beget rustication; and the other, if neglected, will cause the dean to tell bm to take his name off the boards of the college. He debates in his own mind as to whether it is better to get them or not; but at length determines to see proctors, deans, and in short the whole University at Old Nick, rather than look at a word; and

accosts him, "Pray, Mr. Varmint, why have you new. He thought of every thing; but at last resolved to spend his time in learning the three hundred lines of Greek, and the five hundred lines of Virgil, for the proctor and Mr. Dean. In the mean time the term divides; and his companions, or the majority of them, leave the University for their several homes. He, of course, wishes to leave likewise; but he is ill, and cannot depart before he is better, which the surgeon does not choose should be the case for some time; and even if he were well, he could not go before the dean signed his "ereat," which he would not do before the imposition was said; so he is hemmed in on all sides, and has the blue devils, besides a prospect of growing hippish. He, therefore, spends the time he would have passed in pleasure at home, in the shady court of a college, and stuffs himself with Greek and Latin hexameters, and lives entirely on barley-water and medicine, for the space of three weeks. At the end of this time, we will suppose him getting again convalescent, and recovering his wonted spirits. He satisfies the proctor and the dean by saying a part of each impos., and after bitterly cursing the place, leaves it for the country. This is the way that many men spend their three years at the University. But, Mr. Freshman, whoever you may be, I write this for your especial benefit, and leave it to yourself to copy or avoid such conduct, as you may

"-to take arms against a sea of troubles, And, by opposing, end them."

Alas! how soon do mortals change their firmest and most fixed resolutions! How many circum-think proper. stances occur to induce them to act contrary to their After the long vacation, Mr. Varmint comes up resolves. Mr. Varmint, by drinking too much wine again to reside. His sprees of his first year, and For the last two days, rather prematurely finds him- their consequences, have gained him experience, and self very much the worse from his late Cyprian ad- he knows how to manage in a scientific way. To ventures, and in fact is compelled to send for a sur-avoid gate-bills, he will be out at night as late as he geon. In short, Varmint is obliged to get an ægrotat,pleases, and will defy any one to discover his abto confine himself to his rooms, and lie still on the sence; for he will climb over the college walls, and sofa. On his table are draughts, powders, and lo-fee his gyp well, when he is out all night. To avoid tions; the surgeon visits him daily. What is he to impositions from the dean, he will attend more regudo all day by himself on the sofa? His friends are with him a great deal to drive away melancholy; but still he has an immensity of leisure time on his hands. He must read; but what? Walter Scott? No, he hates novels, and all that kind of trash. Lord Byron? He has read him fifty times, and he wants something

larly at chapel; which, though a great bore, must yet be endured and to get clear from the clutches of the proctors, he will scud when there is need; and if followed, will floor the bull-dogs, and bolt. He now is twice as gay as before, rides, courses, hunts, shoots, fishes, drives, drinks, fights, swears, rows, and gam

bles, more than ever. He dresses still more like an | and a haif at dinner; and afterwards set to, and get eccentric fancy man, and acts yet more unlike what most awfully drunk, each man having floored upwards he ought to do, and thus he passes his terms.. But of three bottles of port, independent of champagne now comes the time when he is to be examined for and madeira at dinner, or burgundy and claret. Thus the Little-go; and about three weeks before the exa- they conclude the last feast they shall ever have tomination he begins to read. He finds himself un-gether at college, and another fortnight sees them equal to the task, without cramming. He in conse-all, perhaps, wafted far from the University, some of quence engages a common tutor, and buys all the them for ever.

display'd;

And sweet science cowers, amongst blooming flowers,
In gay robes of glory majestic array'd.
Farewell, banks of Camus! ye fair scenes of blisses,
The Muse, Loves', and Graces' invincible seat!
Your silver soft stream, like the tide of Illyssus,
Aye, fresher than airs of Hygeia's retreat.
Ye cloisters low bending, and proudly extending,
The spirit befriending, as softly descending,
To cherish young Genius and Taste in your gloom;

It mounts in pure incense to Heav'n's vaulted doom.
From you I must sever; then farewell for ever
Each heart-honour'd object that swell my last
theme;

cram-books published for the occasion. After read-" Farewell to the towers! farewell to the bowers! ing himself ill, he goes in; and by the greatest luck Where the sage wizard Art all his charms hath in the world happens to pass. This puts him in high spirits again, and he gives a large Spread, and gets drunk on the strength of it. He continues to have a private tutor for the remainder of his residence, and reads with him about one day in a term, until the last term in his third year, when he is obliged to read for his degree of Bachelor of Arts. Accustomed to mirth and gaiety, and to all kinds of sporting pursuits, never having opened a single mathematical book since his residence, knowing Euclid only by name, and Algebra still less, if possible; not being a dab at Latin or Greek; in short, never having professed to be a reading man, Mr. Varmint begins to encounter all the difficulties attending on such a career, when near its termination in severe study. He has now recourse to his private tutor, who finds him miserably defi- The world is a field I must enter, but never cient; and to work they both go, the one cramming, and the other unable to swallow a mouthful. He falls ill by reading hard, being so unused to it, and gives it up for a week, then sets to again, and so goes on till the day of examination, when he may perhaps muster up resolution enough to go into the Senate-house. If he does go in, and is well enough crammed, he gets a station amongst the apostles; if not, he may perchance be plucked. But if he does not think he shall be able to go through, he reads on a little longer, and goes out at a by-term. This is his career at college; what it may be in after-life, is quite another affair: When he has got his degree in either of these ways, with the rest of his companions, he sits down with all of them, about forty or fifty, to a most glorious spread, ordered from the college cook, to be served up in the most swell style possible. They are about two hours

Can ought charm my soul like your shade Academe! This is one way of proceeding to the degree of B. A. The "reading man" goes to work in quite another style. He attends lectures regularly, never misses chapel, dines nearly always in hail, takes moderate exercise, is rarely out of college after the gates are shut, reads twelve hours a day, strives hard to get prizes and medals, always obtains a scholarship, seldom gets "a little the worse for liquor," gives no swell parties, runs very little into debt, takes his cup of bitch at night, and goes quietly to bed, and thus he passes his time in a way a Varmint man would despise. These are the men who run off with all the prizes and obtain wranglers' degrees, who get made fellows and tutors, and who become eventually the principal men in the University. But these are by no means the most gifted men, the men of the

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