say to the matter is, that it was contrived on pur- barn, and had even, like Abel Dragger, "enacted" pose to make us poor suffering catholics ridiculous to the people. After a few compliments his grace and Fitzgerald parted. RECREATION ON THE VERB TO TWIST. When a twister a twisting, will twist him a twist, But if one of the twines of the twist do untwist, The twirling his twister makes a twist of the twine. THE BIRMINGHAM MAN IN AMERICA. the part of Major Sturgeon with considerable applause; he was consequently a profound critic, and fully authorised to turn up his nose at any American performances. He had twice partaken of annual dinners, given to the head manufac turers of Birmingham, where he had the good fortune to get a taste of turtle and turbot, and a smack of champaign and burgundy; and he had heard a vast deal of the roast beef of Old Eng land; he was therefore epicure sufficient to d-n every dish and every glass of wine he tasted in America; though, at the same time, he was as voracious an animal as ever crossed the Atlantic. Straddle had been splashed half a dozen times by the carriages of nobility, and had once the superlative felicity of being kicked out of doors by the footman of a noble duke; he could, therefore, talk of nobility, and despise the untitled plebeians of America. In short, Straddle was one of those dapper, bustling, florid, round, self-important gemmen," who bounce as half-beau, half-buttonmaker; undertake to give the true polish of the bon-ton. Straddle had just arrived in an importation of hardware, fresh from the city of Birmingham, or He swaggered about parlours and drawingrather, as the most learned English would call it, rooms with the same unceremonious confidence he Brummagem, so famous for its manufactories of used to display in the taverns at Birmingham. He gimblets, pen-knives, and pepper-boxes, and accosted a lady as he would a bar-maid; and this where they make buttons and beaux enough to in- was pronounced a certain proof that he had been undate our whole country. He was a young man used to better company in Birmingham. He beof considerable standing in the manufactory at came the great man of all the taverns between Birmingham; sometimes had the honour to hand New-York and Haerlem; and no one stood a his master's daughter into a tim-whiskey, was the chance of being accommodated until Straddle and oracle of the tavern he frequented on Sundays, his horses were perfectly satisfied. He d-d_the and could beat all his associates, if you would landlords and waiters with the best air in the take his word for it, in boxing, beer-drinking, world, and accosted them with true gentlemanly jumping over chairs, and imitating cats in a gutter familiarity. He staggered from the dinner-table and opera-singers. Straddle was, moreover, a to the play, entered the box like a tempest, and member of a catch-club, and was a great hand at staid long enough to be bored to death, and to ringing bob-majors; he was, of course, a com-bore all those who had the misfortune to be near plete connoisseur in music, and entitled to assume him. From thence he dashed off to a ball, time that character at all performances in the art. He was likewise a member of a spouting-club; had seen a company of strolling actors perform in a enough to flounder through a cotillion, tear half a dozen gowns, commit a number of other depredations, and make the whole company sensible of infinite condescension in coming amongst them. I people of Gotham thought him a prodigious fellow; the young bucks cultivated his acstance with the most persevering assiduity, his retainers were sometimes complimented a seat in his curricle, or a ride on one of his horses. The belles were delighted with the tions of such a fashionable gentleman, and with astonishment at his learned distinctions en wrought scissors and those of cast-steel; her with his profound dissertations on buttons borse-flesh. The rich merchants courted his aintance because he was an Englishman, and wives treated him with great deference bese he had come from beyond seas. I cannot phere observing that your salt-water is a mara great sharpener of men's wits, and I intend commend it to some of my acquaintance in a ncular essay. Reads Malbranche, Boyle, and Locke; Haughty and huge as High-Dutch bride, On her large squab you find her spread, That lies and stinks in state. She wears no colours (sign of grace) All white and black beside; And masculine her stride. So have I seen, in black and white, A stately worthless animal, That plies the tongue, and wags the tail, All flutter, pride, and talk, raddle continued his brilliant career for only art time. His prosperous journey over the pike of fashion was checked by some of those bling-blocks in the way of aspiring youth creditors-or duns ;-a race of people who, celebrated writer observes, " are hated by and men." Consignments slackened, whis- The operation of drink, in its various degrees, af distant suspicion floated in the dark, and may be represented by a pyramid thus ; pests of society, the tailors and shoe-makers, in rebellion against Straddle. In vain were ais remonstrances; in vain did he prove to that though he had given them no money, he had given them more custom, and as many mises, as any young man in the city. They inflexible; and the signal of danger being , a bost of other persecutors pounced upon back. Straddle saw there was but one way it; he determined to do the thing genteelly, to to smash like a hero, and dashed into the limits high style; being the fifteenth gentleman I have a to drive tandem to the-ne plus ultra-the H. THE PYRAMID OF DRINK. Tipsy There is a tranquil are not much disposed to talk. Drink on, and you step up to lively. Now you begin to talk, and your remarks are smart and pertinent. You have the reasoning power in high perfection, but aided withal by a happy fertility of illustration. This may be considered as a mental aurora, announcing that the sun of fancy is about to rise from the "purple wave." Fresh. There is more fire and colour in your ideas now, for the sun has risen. You grow then eloquent and less logical. Your jokes are capitalin your own estimation. Your perceptions are still tolerably clear, beyond yourself. HORNE TOOKE AND WILKES. Horne Tooke wrote a challenge to Wilkes, w was then high sheriff for the county of Middlese Wilkes had signalized himself in a most determine affair with Martin, on account of No. 45 of l North Briton, and he wrote Horne Tooke the fo lowing laconic reply to the challenge. Sir, I d Very Fresh. Your conversation is more and more highly coloured. Your eloquence is impassioned, and you overwhelm your companions with a flood of talk. You begin to suit the action to the word.not think it my business to cut the throat of ever Ideas not quite coherent, but language still tolerably distinct and correct. Tipsy.-Now on the top of the pyramid you begin to grow giddy. Gestures very vehement, and epithets much exaggerated. Argumentative, but not rational. Words considerably abridged, and ideas lamentably obscured. Very Tipsy.-You find out that you have a turn for vocal music, and regale your friends with a song. Specchify in incoherent language, and evince a most decided tendency to mischief and locomotion. Proud as a peacock, stout as a lion, and amorous as a dove. Drunk.-Perversely quarrelsome, and stupidly good-natured. Dealing much in shake hands, and knock downs. Tongue stammering and feet unsteady. Very Drunk.-Abortive efforts to appear sober. See every thing double. Balance totally lost, you drift about like a ship in a hard gale. Vocabulary reduced to a few interjections. Proba desperado that inay be tired of his life; but as I a Pickpockets and beggars are the best practical physiognomists, without having read a line of Lavater, who, it is notorious, mistook a highwayman Stupidly Drunk-Head and stomach topsy-turvy.for a philosopher, and a philosopher for a highwayEyes fixed and glaring. Etter incapacity of recen THE COLLEGE FEAST. Hark! heard ye not yon footsteps dread, The fellows pass'd; High lifts his mighty blade, and points his deadly fork. The college gyps of high illustrious worth, And soon with plums and glory crown'd, Knife to fork, and fork to knife; Unnumber'd heroes, in the glorious strife, Thro'fish, flesh, pies, and puddings, cut their destin'd way. See, beneath the mighty blade, Gor'd with many a ghastly wound, Snatch before it is too late; For, swift as thought, the puddings, jellies, pfes, All around the fire they meet, Crown at length their mighty treat: And mirth and cheerfulness are seen N Huntington, the celebrated preacher, gives the following definition of his assumed S. S. You know we clergy are very fond of titles of honour; some are called lords spiritual, though we have no such lords but in the persons of the everblessed Trinity; others are named doctors of divinity, and prebends, though God gives no such titles; therefore I cannot conscientiously add D. D. to my function though some hundreds have been spiritually healed under my ministry; nor have I fourteen pounds to spare to buy the dissenting title of D. D. Being thus circumstanced, I cannot call myself a Lord Spiritual, because Peter, the pope's enemy, condemns it: nor can I call myself Lord High Primate, because supremacy, in the scriptures, is applied only to kings, and never to ministers of the gospel. As I cannot get at D. D. for the want of cash, neither can I get at M. A. for the want of learning; therefore I am compelled to fly for refuge to S. S. by which I mean Sinner Saved. Own Life. PROLOGUE TO THE SCHOOL FOR SCANDAL. A School for Scandal!-Tell me, I beseech you, Caus'd by a dearth of scandal, should the vapours Lord!" cries my lady Wormwood (who loves And puts much salt and pepper in her prattle) We hope she'll draw, or we'll undraw the curtain. But, by ourselves, (sips) our praise we can't refuse it; Throw it behind the fire, and never more Thus at our friends we laugh, who feel the dart; So strong, so swift, the monster there's no gagging; Tho' he should fall, th' attempt must please the brave. For your applause, all perils he would through, Till ev'ry drop of blood-that's ink-is spilt for you. GARRICK. HOW TO PLEASE YOUR FRIENDS. Go to India-stay there twenty years-work hard a store of wealth, and a diseased liver-visit you -get money-save it-come home-bring with you friends-make a will-provide for them all-the die-what a prudent, good, generous, kind hearte soul you would be! IRISH BILL FOR A PAIR OF SHOFS. The following bill for a pair of shoes, was sent b a shoemaker to his attorney who had solicited matter of right for the shoemaker, but had done no thing effectually for him. Timothy Termfee, Esq. to Samuel Snob, Dr. £. 8. 1812. Nov. 1. Attending you at your chambers, consulting and advising on your intended pair of shoes 3. Attending you again, when your honour did not come to any determination what sort of shoes I should make for you 6. The like attendance 9. Attendance again at your chambers, when I found you were gone to the Lord Mayor's show 0 0 6 0 6 12. Attending your honour, when you determined to wear nothing for the future but best black grain, and taking your measure accordingly 0 6 0 13 13. Attending you again, when you inform ed me that as there were no proper crossings in the new pavement, for foot passengers, you had determined to have strong wax leather, instead of black grain, and taking your instructions accordingly 0 13 |