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CRAMMATICAL LEARNING.

An author left a comedy with Foote for perusal; and on the next visit asked for his judgment on it, "If with rather an ignorant degree of assurance. you looked a little more to the grammar of it, I think," said Foote, "it would be better."-" To the grammar of it, sir! What! would you send me to school again?""And pray, sir," replied Foote, very gravely, "would that do you any harm?"

CAMBRIDGE AND OXFORD.

Under George the Second, the former of these universities was distinguished for its attachment to whig principles and the reigning family, while the latter was strongly infeeted with the leaven of Jacobitism. On the breaking out of the rebellion in Scotland in 1745, the sovereign marked his feeling towards these two eminent bodies, by sending to Cambridge a munificent present of books for the university library; but detached some dragoons to Oxford to awe the refractory disposition suspected to exist in her sons. This circumstance gave birth to the following epigram from the pen of an Oxonian.

Our gracious monarch view'd, with equal eye,
The wants of either university.

Troops he to Oxford sent, well knowing why,
That learned body wanted loyalty:
But books to Cambridge seut, as well discerning,
That that right loyal body wanted learning.
Which effusion elicited the subjoined reply from
a Cantab.

Our king to Oxford sent a troop of horse,
For Tories own no argument but force.
With equal care to Cambridge books he sent,
For Whigs allow no force but argument.

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As some raw youth in country bred,
To arms by thirst of honour led;
When at a skirmish first he hears
The bullets whistling round his ears,
Will duck his head aside, will start,
And feel a trembling at his heart;
"Till 'scaping oft' without a wound,
Lessens the terror of the sound;
Fly bullets now as thick as hops!
He runs into a cannon's chops;
-An author thus who pants for fame,
Begins the world with fear and shame;
When first in print, you see him dread
Each pop-gun levell'ù at his head;
The lead yon critic's quill contains
Is destin'd to beat out his brains;
As if he heard loud thunders roll,
Cries, Lord have mercy on his soul!
Concluding that another shot

Would strike him dead upon the spot;
But, when with squibbing, slashing, popping,
He cannot see one creature dropping,
That missing fire, or missing aiin,

His life is safe, I mean his fame,
The danger past, takes heart of grace,
And looks a critic in the face.

TOM ASHE.

Tom Ashe was a facetious, pleasant companion, but the most eternal unwearied punster that ever lived. He was thick and short in his person, being not above five feet high at the most, and had something very droll in his appearance. He died about the year 1719, and left his whole estate, about a thousand pounds a year, to Richard Ashe, of Ashfield, Esq. There is a whimsical story, and a very true one, of Tom Ashe, which is well remembered to this day. It happened that while he was travelling on horseback, and at a considerable distance from any town, there burst from the clouds such a torrent of rain as wetted him through. He galloped forward, and as soon as he came to an inn, "Here," said he was met instantly by a drawer: he to the fellow, stretching out one of his arms,

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Wilkes one morning called upon a friend who resided in a close and retired situation in the city, but who had a small opening before the house, of a few yards square, and two plants, which once looked like lilacs, in large tubs, adorned his windows. Men were employed in painting the outside of the house. "Brother," said Wilkes to his friend, "suffer me to plead in behalf of these two poor lilacs in the tubs; pray let them be painted too."

SATIRE UPON dress and fashion.

The grand monde worship a sort of idol, which daily creates men by a kind of manufactory operation. This idol is placed in the highest parts of the house on an altar erected about three feet; he is shown in the posture of a Persian emperor, sitting on a superficies, with his legs interwoven under him. This god had a goose for his ensign; whence it is that some learned men pretend to deduce his original from Jupiter Capitolinus. At his left hand, beneath the altar, Hell seemed to open and catch at the animals the idol was creating; to prevent which, certain of his priests hourly flung in pieces er of the uninformed mass, or substance, and sometimes whole limbs already enlivened, which that horrid gulf insatiably swallowed, terrible to behold. The goose was also held a subaltern divinity, or deus minorum gentium, before whose shrine was sacrificed that creature, whose hourly food is human gore, and who is in so great renown abroad for being the delight and favourite of the Egyptian Cercopithecus. Millions of these animals are hourly di sacrificed every day to appease the hunger of that consuming deity. The chief idol was also wor#shipped as the inventor of the yard and needle, whether as the god of seamen, or on account of certain other mystical attributes, which hath not sufficiently been cleared.

*By this idol is meant a tailor.

SWIFT.

SCARCE ARTICLES.

The following articles bear a very high value on account of their scarcity at present in this country.

Sincerity-in patriotism.
Honour-among attornies.
Friendship-without interest.
Love-without deceit.
Charity-without ostentation,
Honesty-in parish officers.
Fair play-among gamblers.
Beauty-without pride.
An advocate-without a fee.
Chastity-in married life.

A parson-practising what he professes.
A fashionable man-without foppery.
A fashionable woman-without paint.
A sanctified look-without hypocrisy.
A prude-without incontinence.
A blustering man-without cowardice.
A subaltern officer-with money.
A Jew-without usury.

Opposition-without a sinister view.
Administration-inattentive to private interest.

WILKES AND SIR WILLIAM STAINES.

Sir William Staines, by persevering steadily in the pursuit of one object, accumulated an immense fortune, and rose progressively from the dignity of Common-council-man to the State-coach, and the Mansion-house. His first entrance into life was as a common bricklayer. At one of the Old Bailey dinners, his lordship, after a sumptuous repast on turbot and venison, was eating an immense quantity of butter with his cheese-"Why brother," said Wilkes, "you lay it on with a trowel."

PRINCELY PARTIALITY TO WIT.

Great wits have only been preferr'd
In princes' trains to be interr'd;
And, when they cost them nothing, plac'd
Among their followers not the last;
But, while they liv'd, were far enough
From all admittances kept off.

BUTLER.

MEDICAL NOMENCLATURE.

And politely informed the whole house they wer going

To entreat heaven's curses on noble Pizarro. Rolla made a fine speech with much logic an

Porson one day visiting his brother-in-law, Mr.
Perry, who at that time lived in Lancaster-court,
in the Strand, found him indisposed, and under
the influence of medicine. On returning to the
house of a common friend, he of course expected
to be asked after the health of his relation. After It
waiting with philosophic patience, without the ex-
pected question being proposed, he reproached
the company for not giving him an opportunity of
giving the following answer, which he had com-
posed on his walk:

My Lord of Lancaster, when late I came from it,
Was taking a medicine of names not a few,
In Greek an emetic, in Latin a vomit,
In English a puke, and in vulgar a-

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I wonder they made the entrance so narrow.
At last I got in, and found every one near me
Was busily talking of Mr. Pizarro.

Lo the hero appears, what a strut and a stride,
He might easily pass for a marshal to-morrow,
And Elvira so tall, neither virgin nor bride,

grammar,

As must sure raise the envy of Counsellor G row;

would sell for five pounds were it brought to th hammer

For it raised all Peru against valiant Pizarro.
Four acts are tol lol, but the fifth's my delight,
Where history's traced with the pen of a Var
And Elvira in black, and Alonzo in white,

Put an end to the piece by killing Pizarro
I have finished my song if it had but a tune,
Nancy Dawson won't do,'nor the Sweet Banks
Yarrow,

I vow I would sing it from morning to noon,
So much am I charmed with the play of Pizarr

NOVEL DESERTER.

PORSON

A naval officer, who held a civil employment à Rhode Island during the American war of indepe ence, and who was of a remarkably spare skele like figure, was stopped by a sentinel late one nig on his return from a visit, and shut up in the sentral box, the soldier declaring that he should ren there until his officer came his rounds at twel o'clock. My good fellow," said Mr. W

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have told you who I am; and I really think y ought to take my word.""It will not do," repl the soldier: "I am by no means satisfied." The taking from his pocket a quarter of a dollar, and p Nosy,senting it, Will that satisfy you?"-" Why, yes, think it will."-" And, now that I am released, p tell me why you detained me at your post?"—"1 prehended you," said the soldier, "as a deserter fro the church-yard."

The loving companion of gallant Pizarro.
But Elvira, alas! turned so dull and so prosy,
That I longed for a hornpipe by little Del Caro;
Had I been 'mong the gods I had surely cried
Come play up a jig, and a fig for Pizarro.
On his wife and his child his affection to pay,
Alonzo stood gazing, and straight as an arrow:
Of him i have only this little to say,

His boots were much neater than those of Pi

zarro.

Then the priestess and virgins, in robes white and flowing.

Walked solemaly on like a sow and her farrow,

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THE PLOUGH-BOY.

THE MISER PUNISHED. A miser having lost an hundred pounds, promised ten pounds reward to any one who should boy left his work, and went home; but his master A gentle sprinkle of rain happening, a ploughbring it him. A poor man brought it to the old seeing him there, told him he should not have left gentleman, and demanded the ten pounds; but his work for so trifling an affair, and begged for the miser, to baffle him, alleged there were an hun- the future he would stay till it rained downright. dred and ten pounds in the bag when lost. The poor man, however, was advised to sue for the the boy staid till dusk, and returned almost Sometime afterwards, upon a very rainy day, money; and when the cause came on to be tried, it drowned. His master asked him why he did not appearing that the seal had not been broken, nor come before? Why, I should," said the boy, the bag ripped, the judge said to the defendant's but you zed I shou!'dn't come hoam vore it counsel, The bag you lost had an hundred and ten pounds in it, you say?"-"Yes, my lord," says he. "Then," replied the judge," according to the evidence given in court, this cannot be your money, for here are only an hundred pounds; therefore the plaintiff must keep it till the true owner appears."

PRINTERS' DEVILS.

Old Lucifer, both kind and civil,
To every Printer lends a devil;
But balancing accounts each winter,
For every Devil takes a Printer.

THE POLITICAL SWEEPS.

rained downright; and it has not rained downright yet, for it was aslaunt all day long."

ORIGINAL COPY OF A HAND-BILL.

intend to begin hanging of Bells which he has done I William Ringrose Bell-hanger from Scarbro for several years past God willing. He hangs bells from back door to fore door and from fore door to back door and all over the house.

N. B. The person who advised him to this was several people that I wrought for.

From your humble servt.
WM. RINGROSE.

WARM ALE.

A traveller calling at a little inn, the landlord of which was very tenacious of the character of his home-brewed ale, after sipping the beverage begged to have it warmed. "What! warm my ale!" exclaimed Boniface, "Curse that stomach that wont warm the ale, say I!"-" And," cried 66 curse that ale that wont warm the

When a rumour prevailed in England of a French invasion, two chimney-sweepers fell into a conversation on the times. Adverting to the expected invasion, "Jack," said one, 66 what is it to us; our trade has nothing to hope or fear from any change in the Government; what need we care; we shall be chimney-sweepers still.”"That is a unistake," replied Jack," for when the French come they will bring French chimney-the traveller, sweepers with them, and we shall be out of em-stomach, say I." ploy."

HAPPINESS.

LAWYER'S HONESTY.

A lawyer of Strasburgh being in a dying state, A captain in the navy, meeting a friend as he sent for a brother lawyer to make his will, by landed at Portsmouth Point, boasted that he had which he bequeathed his estate to the Hospital des Jeft his whole ship's company the happiest fellows Fous (Idiots). His brother advocate expressing in the world. "How so?" asked his friend.his surprise at this bequest, “ Why not bestow it Why, I have just flogged seventeen, and they are upon them?"-said the dying man, happy it is over; and all the rest are happy that got my money by fools, and therefore to fools it you know I they have escaped.". ought to return."

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TWO REASONS.

Two reasons are giv'n (both equally good)
Why the credit of Harry's so bad-
For paying he has not the means if he would.
Nor is he inclin'd if he had.

superiority in execution. Among other pieces, he was playing one of Dr. Blow's anthems, and just as he had finished the verse part and began the full chorus, the organ ceased. On this he called to Dick the bellow's blower, to know what was the matter; -"The matter," says Dick," I have played the anthem below." 99-66 Aye," says the other," but I A boy about ten years old was once brought have not played it above."- "No matter," quoth before Chief-justice Bushe, to give evidence; Dick," you might have made more haste then upon which the following dialogue occurred-I know how many puffs go to one of Dr. Blow's

THE PRIEST'S BLESSING.

My little boy, do yon go to church?"-" No, I am a Roman."-"Well, do you go to chapel?" "Yes, I play at ball against the gable.' "Do you know your creed?"-" No."—" Or the commandments ?"-"No."" Or the Lord's Prayer?" "No.". ་་ Do you know your priest?"-"Yes, I heard of Father Phelim." -"Did you ever speak to him ?"-"Yes, once.' "What did you say to him?""I axed him to give me a penny for houlding his horse, and he bid me go be damned."

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NATIONAL PREJUDICE.

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An Englishman and Dutchman disputing aoout their different countries, the Dutchman said, "Your country thinks of nothing but guttling, and even the names of your places have a reference to it; you have your Ports-mouths, your Plymouths, your Yar-mouths, your Fal-mouths, your Dart-mouths, your Ex-mouths; and you are all mouths together."-"Ay,"replies the Englishman, and you have your Amster-dams, and your Rotterdams and d- you altogether, say I."

THE FORCE OF HABIT.
Tom's fruitful spouse produced a yearly child,
And he felt happy whilst the bantling smil'd.
Some years ago he join'd the martial train,
And sought for laurels o'er the distant main;
Yet, such the force of habit, Nell, they say,
Still bears her yearly child, tho' Tom's away.

MUSICAL PUFFS.

Some years ago a gentleman at Windsor took teh place of the organist, with a view to shew his

anthems as well as you do; I have not played the organ so many years for nothing."

THE EXPEDITIOUS WORKMAN,

A bricklayer, who was working at the top of a nouse, happened to fall through the rafters, and not being hurt, he bounced up, and cried, with & triumphant tone, to his fellow-labourers, " I defy any man to go through his work as quick as I did." TO MONS. ALEXANDRE, THE VENTRILOQUist,

ON HIS SUCCESSFUL ASSUMPTION OF A VA-
RIETY OF CHARACTERS IN ONE PIECE.

To carry two visages under one hood;
Of yore in old England it was not thought good
What should folks say to you? who have faces
That from under one hood you last night show'd
such plenty,
Stand forth, arch deceiver! and tell us in truth,
us twenty!
Are you handsome or ugly, in age or in youth ?
Man, woman, or child, a dog, or a mouse?
Or are you, at once, each live thing in the house?
Each live thing, did I ask? each dead implement

too!

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