HUMOURS OF A CLUE.

Sir Geoffrey Notch, who is the oldest of the club, has been in possession of the right-hand chair time out of mind, and is the only man among us that has the liberty of stirring the fire. This our foreman is a gentleman of an ancient family, that came to a great estate some years before he had discretion, and ran it out in hounds, horses, and cock-fighting; for which reason he looks upon himself as an honest, worthy gentleman, who has had misfortunes in the world, and calls every thriving man a pitiful upstart.

because they see I am something respected by others; though, at the same time, I understand by their behaviour, that I am considered by them as a man of a great deal of learning, but no knowledge of the world; insomuch, that the Major sometimes, in the height of his military pride, calls me the philosopher: and Sir Geoffrey, no longer ago than last night, upon a dispute what day of the month it was then in Holland, pulled his pipe out of his mouth, and cried, "What does the scholar say to it?"

Our club meets precisely at six of the o'clock in the evening; but I did not come last night until Major Matchlock is the next senior, who served half-an-hour after seven, by which means I esin the last civil wars, and has all the battles by caped the battle of Naseby, which the Major heart. He does not think any action in Europe usually begins at about three-quarters after six; worth talking of since the fight of Marston I found also, that my good friend, the Bencher, Moor; and every night tells us of his having had already spent three of his distichs; and only been knocked off his horse at the rising of the waited an opportunity to hear a sermon spoken London apprentices; for which he is in great

esteem among us

of, that he might introduce the couplet where "a stick" rhimes to "ecclesiastic." At my entrance into the room, they were naming a red petticoat and a cloak, by which I found that the Bencher had been diverting them with a story of Jack Ogle.

Honest old Dick Reptile is the third of our society. He is a good-natured indolent man, who speaks little himself, but laughs at our jokes; and brings his young nephew along with him, a I had no sooner taken my seat, but Sir Geofyouth of eighteen years old, to shew him good company, and give him a taste of the world. frey, to shew his good-will towards me, gave me This young fellow sits generally silent; but a pipe of his own tobacco, and stirred up the fire. whenever he opens his mouth, or laughs at any I look upon it as a point of morality, to be thing that passes, he is constantly told by his obliged by those who endeavour to oblige me; uncle, after a jocular manner, "Ay, ay, Jack, you young men think us fools; but we old men know you are."

The greatest wit of our company, next to myself, is a bencher of the neighbouring inn, who in his youth frequented the ordinaries about Charing Cross, and pretends to have been intimate with Jack Ogle. He has about ten distichs of Hudibras without book, and never leaves the club until he has applied them all. If any modern wit be mentioned, or any town frolic spoken of, he shakes his head at the dulness of the present age, and tells us a story of Jack Ogle,

For my own part, I am esteemed among them,

and, therefore, in requital for his kindness, and to set the conversation a-going, I took the best occasion I could to put him upon telling us the story of old Gantlett, which he always does with very particular concern. Ile traced up his descent on both sides for several generations, describing his diet and manner of life, with his several battles, and particularly that in which he fell. This Gantlett was a game-cock, upon whose head the knight, in his youth, had won five hundred pounds, and lost two thousand. This naturally set the Major upon the account of Edgehill fight, and ended in a duel of Jack Ogle's.

Old Reptile was extremely attentive to all that

was said, though it was the same he had heard | As oft on Gadshill we have ta'en our stand,
every night for these twenty years, and upon all
occasions winked upon his nephew to mind what
passed.

This may suffice to give the world a taste of our innocent conversation, which we spun out until about ten of the clock, when my maid came with a lantern to light me home.

REDUCTION OF YEARS.

The author of the following receipt asserts, that it will reduce a man of sixty to the appearance of fifty at least; Close shaving (if a black complexion) two years; false hair, one; powder, one; a new set of artificial teeth, two; a clean shirt, one; sume two; false eye-brows, one; false calves, one; corns pared, and thin shoes,

one.

come,

Tho' not with much eclat or beat of drum;
True patriots all, for be it understood,
We left our country for our country's good;
No private views disgrac'd our generous zeal,
What urg'd our travels, was our country's weal;
And none will doubt, but that our emigration
Has prov'd most useful to the British nation.
But you enquire what could our breasts inflame
With this new fashion for theatric fame?
What in the practice of our former days
Could shape our talents to exhibit plays?
Your patience, sirs, some observations made,
You'll grant us equal to the scenic trade.
He who to midnight ladders is no stranger,
You'll own will make an admirable Ranger.
To sec Macheath we have not far to roain,
Aud sure in Filch I shall be quite at home:
Unrivall'd there, none will dispute my claim
To high pre-eminence and exalted fame,

When 'twas 30 dark you could not see your hand,
Some true-bred Falstaff we may hope to start,
Who, when well bolster'd, well wili play his
part;

The scene to vary, we shall try in time
To treat you with a little pantomime;
Here light and easy columbines are found,
And well-tried harlequins with us abound:
From durance vile our precious selves to keep,
To a black face have sometimes owed a 'scape,
We often had recourse to a flying-leap!
And Hounslow-Heath has prov'd the worth' of

crape.

But how, you ask, can we e'er hope to soar
Above these scenes, and rise to tragic lore?
Too oft, alas! we forc'd the unwilling tear,
And petrified the heart with real fear!
Macbeth a harvest of applause will reap,
For some of us, I fear, have murder'd sleep!
His lady too, with grace will sleep and talk;
Our females have been us'd at night to walk,
Sometimes, indeed, so various is our art,
An actor may improve and mend his part.
"Give me a horse!" bawls Richard like a drone ;
We'll find a man would help himself to one.
Grant us your favour, put us to the test,
To raise your smiles we'll do our very best;
And without dread of future turnkey Lockits.
Thus, in an honest way, still pick your pockets.
EPITAPH ON A MARSHAL OF THE KING'S BENCH.

Some years since there was a Marshal of the King's Bench whose name was Thomas, that became extremely obnoxious to the prisoners; one of them, on some occasion or other, spread a report of his death, which gave rise to the following epitaph :

:

Beneath this stone lies Marshal

Thomas.

He's gone: 'tis well;

We thank thee, Hell, For taking such a rascal from us.

AUCTIONEER ELOQUENCE.

sistance, I thought it best to employ a philoso phic cobler on this occasion. Perceiving my bu siness, therefore, he desired me to enter and sit down, took my shoe in his lap, and began to mend it, with his usual indifference and taci

An elegant pleasure-yacht being sold by auction, the auctioneer said, that it comprehended all the advantages of the most finished country villa, besides many which were peculiar to itself. It had turnity. all the accommodations of a house, and was free "How, my friend," said I to nım, “can you from the inconveniences of a bad neighbourhood, for its scite could be changed at pleasure; it had not only the richest, but also the most various prospects; and it was a villa free from house-duty and window-lights; it paid neither church-tythe nor poor-rate; it was free from government and parochial taxes, and it not only had a command of wood and water, but possessed the most extensive fishery of any house in England,

A PHILOSOPHIC COBBLer.

continue to work, while all those fine things are passing by your door?"-" Very fine they are, master," returned the cobler," for those that like them, to be sure; but what are all those fine things to me? You don't know what it is to be a cobler, and so much the better for yourself. Your bread is baked; you may go and see sights the whole day, and eat a warm supper when you come home at night; but for me, if I should run hunting after all these fine folk, what should I get by my journey but an appetite? and, God Though not very fond of seeing a pageant my-help me, I have too much of that at home al self, yet I am generally pleased with being in the ready, without stirring out for it. Your people, crowd which sees it; it is amusing to observe the who may eat four meals a-day, and a supper at effect which such a spectacle has upon the va- night, are but a bad example to such a one as I. riety of faces; the pleasure it excites in some,—No, master, as God has called me into this the envy in others, and the wishes it raises in all. world, in order to mend old shoes, I have no bu With this design, I lately went to see the entry of siness with fine folk, and they no business with a foreign ambassador, resolved to make one in me." I here interrupted him with a smile. the mob, to shout as they shouted, to fix with" See this last, master," continues he, "and earnestness upon the same frivolous objects, and this hammer; this last and hammer are the two participate for a while the pleasures and the best friends I have in this world, nobody else wishes of the vulgar. will be my friend, because I want a friend. The In this plight, as I was considering the eager- great folks you saw pass by just now have five ness that appeared in every face, how some hundred friends, because they have no occasion bustled to get foremost, and others contented for them; now, while I stick to my good friends themselves with taking a transient peep when here, I am very contented; but, when I ever so they could; how some praised the four black little run after sights and fine things, I begin to servants that were stuck behind one of the equi-hate my work, I grow sad, and have no heart to pages, and some the ribbons that decorated the mend shoes any longer." horses' necks in another; my attention was called This discourse only served to raise my curiosity off to an object more extraordinary than any 1 to know more of a man whom nature had thus had yet seen: a poor cobler sat in his stall by formed into a philosopher. I therefore insenthe way-side, and continued to work while the sibly led him into a history of his adventures. crowd passed by, without testifying the smallest" I have lived," said he, "a wandering life, share of curiosity. I own his want of attention now five-and-fifty years, here to-day and gone excited mine; and, as I stood in need of his as-to-morrow; for it was my misfortune, when I

ས

was young, to be fond of changing."-" You heart. I searched the whole stall, after she was have been a traveller then, I presume?" inter-dead, for money; but she had hidden it so effecrupted I. " I can't boast much of travelling," tually, that, with all my pains, I could never find continued he, "for I have never left the parish a farthing."

in which I was born but three times in my life, that I can remember; but then there is not a street in the whole neighbourhood that I have not fived in at some time or another. When I began to settle and take to my business in one street, some unforeseen misfortune, or a desire of trying my luck elsewhere, has removed me, perhaps a whole mile, away from my former customers, while some more lucky cobler would come into my place, and make a handsome fortane among friends of my making; there was one who actually died, in the stall that I had left, werth seven pounds seven shillings, all in hard gold, which he had quilted into the waistband of" his breeches."

I could not but smile at these migrations of a man by the fire-side, and continued to ask, If he had ever been married?" Ay, that I have, mas ter," replied he, "for sixteen long years; and a weary life I had of it, heaven knows. My wife took it into her head, that the only way to thrive in the world was to save money; so, though our incomings were but three shillings a-week, all that she ever could lay her hands upon she used to hide away from me, though we were obliged to starve the whole week after for it.

"The first three years we used to quarrel about this every day, and I always got the better; but she had a hard spirit, and still continued to hide as usual; so that I was at last tired of quarrelling and getting the better, and she scraped and scraped at pleasure, till I was almost starved to death. Her conduct drove me at last in despair to the alehouse; here I used to sit, with people who hated home like myself, drank while I had money left, and run in score when any body would trust me; till at last the landJady coming one day with a long bill, when I was from home, and putting it into my wife's bands, the length of it effectually broke her

ASSISTANCE.

Curio, whose hat a nimble knave had snatch'd,
Fat, clumsy, gouty, asthmatic, and old,
Panting against a post, his noddle scratch'd,
And his sad story to a stranger told.
Follow the thief," replied the stander by ;
"Ah, Sir!" said he, "these feet will wag no
more."

Alarm the neighbourhood with hue and cry.”
"Alas! I've roar'd as long as lungs could
roar."

Then," quoth the stranger," vain is all endea

vour,

Sans voice to call, sans vigour to pursue:
And since your hat, of course, is gone for ever,
I'll e'en make bold to take your wig-adieu!"

RIVAL DOCTORS.

When Drs. Cheyne and Winter were the two principal physicians at Bath, they adopted very opposite modes of practice; but the former gave some credence to his prescription of milk diet, by making it the principal article of his own sustenance. On this occasion Winter sent to him the following stanzas:

Tell me from whom, fat-headed Scot,
Thou didst thy system learn;
From Hippocrates thou hast it not,
Nor Celsus, nor Pitcairne.

Suppose we own that milk is good,
And say the same of grass;

The one for babes and calves is food,
The other for an ass.

Doctor, one new prescription try,

A friend's advice forgive:
Eat grass, reduce thyself, and die,
Thy patients then may live.