THE LAUGHING PHILOSOPHER. THE HOLY SHEPHERD. THE SILENT HUSBAND The late M. de Glermont Tonnere, the proud Madame Geoffrin had a husband, who was perbishop of Noyon, when preaching in his cathe-mitted to sit down at his own table to dinner, at dral, was once heard thus to commence his ser- the end of the table, upon condition that he never mon: Listen, thou christian mob, (canaille,) to the attempted to join in the conversation. A foword of the Lord. At another time, when disturbed reigner, who was assiduous in his visits to Maby the whispers of the inattentive, while he was dame Geoffrin, one day, not seeing him as usual celebrating mass, he turned towards the assembly, at table, enquired after him: What have you crying out, Really, gentlemen, judging by the noise done with the poor man whom I always used to with which you fill the church, one would conclude see here, and who never spoke a word?"—“ Oh, that it was a lackey, and not a prelate of rank, who that was my husband; he is dead!" efficiated. It was this bishop, who, when seized with a dangerous illness, sent for his confessor, THE PRIESTLY JONAH. and made known to him his fears of hell. This It blew a hard storm, and, in utmost confusion, courtly priest replied, "You are very good, my The sailors all hurried to get absolution; lord, thus gratuitously to terrify yourself; but Which done, and the weight of the sins they'd conGod will think of it twice before he damns a perfess'd, son of your high birth." THE OLD COQUETTE.-IMITATED FROM A truce with your infamous labours, old Bet; Still spreading a cloud o'er their gay constel lations. 'Tis Chloe's to sport in the pale of fiftee:; But from her years to yours count the season tween. Transferr'd, as they thought, from themselves to To lighten the ship, and conclude their devotion, OTAHEITAN CONVERSION. Among the savages of the South-Sea Islands, Jorgensen, in his Account of the State of Christianity in Otaheite, speaks of Otoo, king of Uliteeah, who came on board, and, putting on a "Master Christ very most sanctified face, said, good, very fine fellow, me love him like my own brother, give me one glass of brandy." His mabe-jesty's desires, however, increased glass after Your daughter more decently rattles away, Not wine, purple wine, that enlivens the gay, glass, till at length he became noisy, and swore he would recant all he had said, if they did not give him more brandy. He was refused; and then, breaking out into the most horrid imprecations, jumped overboard, swearing and swimming to the shore. ON A CLUB OF SOTS. The jolly members of a toping club, For nothing else, but only to hold drink. ADVANTAGES OF BEING IN DEBT, Sam Foote clearly demonstrated the advantages of not paying our debts. This, says he, however, presupposes a person to be a man of fortune, otherwise he would not gain credit. It is the art of living without money. It saves the trouble and expense of keeping accounts; and it also makes other people work, in order to give ourselves repose. It prevents the cares and embarrassments of riches. It checks avarice, and encourages generosity; as people are most commonly more liberal of others' goods than of their own; while it possesses that genuine spark of primitive Christianity which would inculcate a constant communion of all property. In short, it draws on us the inquiries and attentions of the world while we live, and makes us sincerely regretted when we die. DESCRIPTION OF HOLLAND. A country that draws fifty feet of water, Whole towns are cast away in storms, That feed, like cannibals, on other fishes, HENRY THE FIFTH. and Lloyd very neatly says of Henry the Fifth, that he had something of Cæsar in him, which Alexander the Great had not-that he would not be drunk; and something of Alexander the Great that Cæsar had not--that he would not be flattered! If this we see be bread, how can it last, If bread, such saving virtue could it give? DIGNITY OF AN ELECTOR. The title of elector is useful beyond its foreign meaning. An Englishman travelling through Germany, having presented himself at the gate of a German city, was desired, in the usual manner, to describe himself. "I am," said he," an elector of Middlesex." The Germans, who hold the diguity of elector as next in rank to that of king, and knew little or nothing of the English titles and rank, immediately opened their gates, and the guard turned out, and did him military honours! A SWINDLING MUSICIAN. His time was short, his touch was neat, His movements have not iinger'd. Yet while we blame his hasty flight, time PRIDE OF ANCESTRY. died a mail in the fourthscore year of her age. She was the chronicle of our family, and passed An empty man of a great family is a creature away the greatest part of the last forty years of that is scarcely conversable. You read his ances- her life in recounting the antiquity, marriages, try in his smile, in his air, in his eyebrow. He exploits, and alliances of the Ironsides. Mrs. has indeed nothing but his nobility to give em- Martha conversed generally with a knot of old ployment to his thoughts. Rank and precedency virgins, who were likewise of good families, and are the important points which he is always dis-had been very cruel all the beginning of the last cussing within himself. A gentleman of this turn century. They were every one of them as proud began a speech in one of King Charles's parlia- as Lucifer, but said their prayers twice a day, and ments: "Sir, I had the honour to be born at a in all other respects were the best women in the Upon which a rough honest gentleman world. If they saw a fine petticoat at church, took him up short.-I would fain know what they immediately took to pieces the pedigree of that gentleman means. Is there any one in this her that wore it, and would lift up their eyes to house that has not had the honour to be born as heaven at the confidence of the saucy minx, when well as himself ?-The good sense which reigns in they fouud she was an honest tradesman's daugh our nation has pretty well destroyed this starched ter. It is impossible to describe the pious indigbehaviour among men who have seen the world, nation that would rise in them at the sight of a and know that every gentleman will be treated man who lived plentifully on an estate of his own pon a footing of equality. But there are many getting. They were transported with zeal bewho have had their education among women, de- yond ineasure, if they heard of a young woman's pendents or flatterers, that lose all the respect matching into a great family upon account only which would otherwise be paid by them, by being of her beauty, her merit, or her money. too assiduous in procuring it. there was not a female within ten miles of them that was in possession of a gold watch, a pearl necklace, or a piece of Mechlin lace, but they examined her title to it. My aunt Martha used to chide me very frequently for not sufficiently valuing myself. She would not eat a bit all dinnertime, if at an invitation she found she had been seated below herself; and would frown upon me for an hour together if she saw me give place to any man under a baronet. As I was once talking to her of a wealthy citizen whom she had refused in her youth, she declared to me with great warmth, that she preferred a man of quality in his shirt to the richest man upon the 'Change in a coach and six. She pretended that our family was nearly related, by the mother's side, to half a dozen peers; but as none of them knew any thing of the matter, we always kept it as a secret among ourselves. A little before her death she was reciting to me the history of my forefathers; but dwelling a little longer than ordinary upon the actions of My Lord Froth has been so educated in puncfilio, that he governs himself by a ceremonial in all the ordinary occurrences of life. He measures oat his bow to the degree of the person he converses with. I have seen him in every inclination of the body, from a familiar nod to the low stoop in the salutation sign. I remember, five of us, who were acquainted with one another, met together one morning at his lodgings, when a wag of the company was saying, it would be worth while to observe how he would distinguish us at his first entrance. Accordingly he no sooner came into the room, but casting his eye about, My lord such a one, says he, your most humble servant. Sir Richard, your humble servant. Your servant, Mr. Ironside. Mr. Ducker, how do you do? Han! Frank, are you there? I had some years ago an aunt of my own, by name Mrs. Martha Ironside, who would never Harry beneath herself and is supposed to have In short, mug." Sir Gilbert Ironside, who had a horse shot under And now, the grave lecture and prayers at an end, him at Edgehill fight, I gave an unfortunate pish, He brings along with him a neighbouring friend; and asked, what was all this to me? upon which To be a partaker of Sunday's good cheer, she retired to her closet, and fell a scribbling for And taste his delightful October-brew'd beer. three hours together, in which time, as I afterwards found, she struck me out of her will, and The dinner was ready and all things laid snugleft all she had to my sister Margaret, a wheedling" Here, wife," says the parson, go fetch up a baggage, that used to be asking questions about her great-grandfather from morning to night. She now lies buried among the family of the Ironsides with a stone over her, acquainting the reader, that she died at the age of eighty years, a spinster, and that she was descended of the ancient family of the Ironsides-After which follows the genealogy, drawn up by her own hand. But a mug of what liquor he'd scarce time to tell To be sure they've got in whilst we were at "To be sure you're a fool; so, get you down stairs, THE TEST OF PATIENCE; OR, THE HOGS IN And bring what I bid you-Go, see what's the THE PARSON'S CELLAR. A parson who had a remarkable foible, In minding the bottle more than the bible; Was deem'd by his neighbours to be less per- In handling a tankard, than handling a text. Now this parson had got a stout cask of strong A present, no doubt-but no matter from where; Out spouted the liquor abroad on the ground, CONVIVIALITY. Charles Bannister was one evening presiding at a convivial party, when a friend said to him, 66 you will ruin your constitution by sitting up at night in this manner."-" Oh," replied Bannister, you do not know the nature of my constitution; I sit up at night to watch it, and keep it in repair while you are asleep." EORGE III. AND THE WHIGS. When the Whigs came into power, they turned out every body, even Lord Sandwich, the master of the stag-hounds. The king met his lordship in his ride soon after. "How do you do?" cried his majesty, so they have turned you off; it was not my fault, upon my honour, for it was as much as I could do to keep my own place." 66 GOLDEN HARVEST. harvest-moon with me." feast upon admiration, composed to encounter censures without emotion, and determined not to suffer his quiet to be injured by a sensibility too exquisite of praise or blame, but to laugh dicious commendations, he enters the places of with equal contempt at vain objections and injumingled conversation, sits down to his tea in an obscure corner, and while he appears to examine a file of antiquated journals, catches the conversation of the whole room. He listens but hears no mention of his book, and therefore supposes that he has disappointed his curiosity by delay; and that as men of learning would naturally begin their conversation with such a wonderful novelty, they had digressed to other subjects before his arrival. The company disperses, and their places are supplied by others equally ignorant, or equally careless. The same expectation hurries him to another place, from which the A nobleman about to marry a fortune, being same disappointment drives him soon away. His asked how long the honey-inoon would last, re-impatience then grows violent and tumultuous; plied, "Don't tell me of the honey-moon, it is he ranges over the town with restless curiosity, and hears in one quarter of a cricket-match, in another of a pickpocket; is told by some of an unexpected bankruptcy, by others of a turtlefeast; is sometimes provoked by importunate inquiries after the white bear, and sometimes with praises of the dancing-dog; he is afterwards entreated to give his judgment upon a wager about the height of the monument; invited to see a foot-race in the adjacent villages; desired to read a ludicrous advertisement; or consulted about the most effectual method of making inquiry after a favourite cat. The whole world is busied in affairs which he thinks below the notice When a writer has with long toil produced a of reasonable creatures, and which are neverthework intended to burst upon mankind with unless sufficient to withdraw all regard from his expected lustre, and withdraw the attention of the learned world from every other controversy or inquiry, he is seldom contented to wait long without the enjoyment of his new praises. With an imagination full of his own importance, he walks out like a monarch in disguise, to learn the various opinions of his readers. Prepared to PAYMENT AT SIGHT. "Pay me my money!" Robin cried There's my own mark in black and white, labours and bis merits. TRUE PHILOSOPHY. A footman who had been found guilty of murder. ing his fellow-servant, was engaged in writing his confession, "I murd-" he stopped, and asked, "How do you spell murdered?" |