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with tbe greatest famlliarity, reposes hiinself on a, and neither sees you, nor any man, nor any thing couch, and fancies himself at home. The master else; he came once from his couptry-house, and of the house at last comes in, Menalcas rises to his own fooimeo undertook to rob him, and sucreceive him, and desires bim to sit down; he ceeded ; they held a flambeau to his throat, and talks, muses, and then talks again. The gentle- bad him deliver his purse ; he did so, and coming man of the house is tired and amazed ; Menalcas home told his friends he had been robbed; they is no less so, but is every moment in hopes that his desired to know the particulars, “ Ask may ser. impertinent guest will at last end his tedious visit. vants," said Menalcas," for they were with me." Night comes on, when Menalcas is hardly un
When he is playing at backgammon, he calls for a full glass of wine and water; it is his turn to Lucas, with ragged coat, attends throw ; he has the box in one hand, and his glass My lord's levee ; and, as he bends, in the other, and being extremely dry, and un The gaping wounds expose to view willing to lose time, he swallows down both the All else beneath as ragged too. dice, and at the same time throws his wine into But hark the peer: “ My friends, today the tables. He writes a letter and flings the sand By great affairs I'm call'd away; into the ink-bottle; he writes a second, and mis Attend to-morrow at this hour, takes the superscription ; a nobleman receives Your suits shall claim say utmost pow's." one of them, and opon opening it reads as fol
The crowd, retiring, thanks exprest, lows: “I would have you, honest Jack, imme. Save Lucas, who, behind the rest, diately upon the receipt of this, take in hay Desponding loiter'd, cries my lord, enough to serve me the winter." His farmer re. " Why, Lucas, do you doubt my word ?” ceives the other, and is amazed to see in it, My No, sir, 'tis too well understoodLord, I received your Grace's commands with an To-morrow!”-Here his garb he view'd. entire submission to
If he is at an enter Alas! my lord I can I be mute ? tainment, you may see the pieces of bread con To-morrow I shall have no suit." tinually multiplying round his plate; it is true
A HARD MASTER. the rest of the company want it, as well as their koives and forks, which Menalcas does not let
A theatrical manager, one evening when his them keep long. Sometimes in a morning he puts band was playing an overture, went op to the his whole family in a hurry, and at last goes out horn players, and asked why they were not playwithout being able to stay for his coach or dinner, ing. They said they had twenty bars rest. and for that day you may see him in every part of
“ Rest!" says he, “I'll have no rest in my comthe town, except the very place where he had pany; I pay you for playing not for resting.” appointed to be upon a business of importance.
APPROPRIATE PRESENTS. Yon would often take him for every thing that he is not; for a fellow quite stupid, for he hears
On the City of London presenting Admiral nothing; for a fool, for be talks to himself, and Keppel with the freedom in a box of heart of oak, has a hundred grimaces and motions with his and Lord Rodney in a gold box: head, which are altogether involuntary ; for a Each adiniral's defective part, proud man, for he looks full opon you, and takes Satiric cits, you've told: no votice of your saluting him ; the truth of it is, The wealthy Keppel wanted hearts bis eyes are open, but he inakes no use of them, The gallant Rodney, gold.
THE COMPOSITION OF WINE.
fore them. Lady Dainty is convinced, that it is An Asiatic chief being asked his opinion of a necessary for a gentlewoman to be out of orders pine of Madeira wine, presented to him by an
and to preserve that character, she dines every officer of the company's service, said," he thought day in her closet at twelve, that she may become jt a juice extracied from women's 'tongues, and her table at two, and be unable to eat in public, Jion's hearts ; for after he had drunk enough of it, fashion to be short-sighted. A man would not
years ago, I remeinber it was the he could talk for ever, and fight the devil."
own an acquaintance until he had tirst examined BOX-LOBBY LOUNGERS.
him with his glass. At a lady's entrance into the On hearing two worthless cowards challenge velled at her from every quarter of the pit and
playhouse, you might see tubes immediately le. each other in Drury-lane theatre, a gentleman side-boxes. However, that mode of infirmity is present wrote the following stanzas :
out, and the age has recovered its sight; but the In Drury's lobby, Tom and Dick
blind seem to be succeeded by the lame, and a Pull'd each the other's nose ;
janty limp is the present beauty. I think I have Yet, if Dick or Tom was right,
formerly observed, a cane is part of the dress of Pray who the devil knows?
a prig, and always worn upon a button, for fear
be should be thought to have an occasion for it, f' I am a gentleman !” cried Dick, " And so," quoth Tom,
or be esteemed really, and not genteelly a cripple. am I!”
I have considered but could never find out the Each sirove to bide his trembling heart,
bottom of this vanity. I indeed have heard of a While each roar'd out-" You lie !"
Gascon general, who, by the lucky grazing of a Dick said, “I'm cousiu to Lord Cog."
bullet on the roll of his stocking, took occasion Tom swore, “he rollid in riches ;'
to halt all his life after. But as for our peaceable Dick knit his black Patrician brows,
cripples, I know no foundation for their beha. And Tom pull'd up his breeches.
viour, without it may be supposed that in this
warlike age, some think a cane the next honour Now if this palsied pair should incet,
to a wooden leg. This sort of affectation I have Impellid by common sneers,
known run from one limb or member tv another, If either, or if both were shot,
Before the Limpers came in, I remember a race Pray who the devil cares?
of Lispers, fine persons, who took an aversion to
particular letters in our language; some never AFFECTATION.
uttered the letter II; and others had as mortal an As bad as the world is, I find by very strict ob- aversion to S. Oibers have had their fashionable servation upon virtue and vice, that if men ap- defect in their ears, and would make you repeat peared no worse than they really are, I should all you said twice over. I know an ancient have less work than at present I am obliged to friend of mine, whose table is every day sure ondertake for their reforination. They have ge- rounded with flatterers, that makes use of this, nerally taken up a kind of inverted ambition, sometimes as a piece of grandeur, and at others and affect even faults and imperfections of which as an art, to make them repeat their commendathey are innocent. The first of this order of men tions. Such afl'ectations have been indeed in the are the Valetudinarians, who are never in health; world in ancient times; but they fell into them but complain of want of stomach or rest every day out of politic ends. Alexander the Great had a until noon, and then devour all which coincs be-wry neck, which made it the fashion in his court
HER DECEASED HUSBAND.
to carry their heads on one side shen they came
ADVICE TO LOVERS. isto the presence. One who thought to outshine Poor Ual caught his death, standing under a spout, the whole court, carried bis head so over-com-| Expecting till midnight when Nan would come outs plaisantly, that this martial prince gave him so But fatal his patience, as cruel the dame, great a box on the ear, as set all the heads of the And curs'd was the weather that quench'd the court upright.
man's tlaine. This humour takes place in our minds as well Whoe'er thou art eint read'st these moral rhymes, as bodies. I know at this time a young gentleMake love at home, and go to bed betimes. man, wlio talks atheistically all day in coffeehouses, and in bis degrees of understanding sets COPY OF A LETTER OF APPLICATION FROM A up for a freethivker; though it can be proved SHOEMAKER's wife, TO A CUSTOMER OF upon hiin, he says his prayers every morning and evening.
Madam,--My husband is dead, but that is noof the like turn are all your marriage-haters, thing at all; for Thomas Wild, our journeyman, who rail at the poose, at the words, “ for ever will keep doing for me the same as he did before, and aye,” and at the same time are secretly and he can work a great deal better than he did, fining for some young thing or other that makes poor man, at the last, as I have experience ot, their hearts aché by her refusal. The next to because of his age and ailment; so I hope for these, are such as pretend to govern their wives, and boast how ill they use them; when, at the your ladyship’s custom. l'rom your humble ser.
ANN R-s.” same time, go to their houses, and you shall see them step as if they frared making a noise, and THE BISHOP AND THE PEASANT. are as fond as an aldermar. I do not know, but A German clown, at work in his field, seeing somelimes these pretences may arise from a desire his bishop pass by, attended by a train becomiog to conceal a contrary defect than they set up for. a peer, he could not forbear laughing, and that so I remember, when I was a young fellow, we had loud, that the reverend gentleinan asked the rea. a companion of a very fearful complexion, who, son of it. The clown answered :-“ I laugh when when we sat in to drink, would desire us to take I think of St. Peter and St. Paul, and see you in bis sword frum bim when he grew fuddled, for it such an equipage."-" How is that?" said the bi. was his inisfortune to be quarrelsome.
shop.- Do you ask how?" said the fellow. As the desire of fame in men of true wit and " They were ill-advised to walk alone on foot gallantry shews itself in proper instances, the throughout the world, when they were the heads saine desire in men who have the ambiting with of the Christian church, and lieutenants of Jesus out proper faculties, runs wild, and discovers Christ, the king of kings; and thou, who art only itself in a thousand extravagances, by which they our bishop, go so well mounted, as to have such a would signalize themselves from others, and gain a train of Hectors, that thou reser blest more a peer set of admirers When I was a middle-aged man, of the realm, than a pastor of the church."To there were many societies of ambitious young men this his reverence replied, “ But, my friend, thou in England, who, in their pursuits after fame, dost not consider that I am both a count and a were every night employed in roastiny porters, baron, as well as thy bishop.” The rustic laughed smoking cobblers, knocking down waichmes, more than before ; and the bishop asking him the overturning constables, breaking windows, reason of it, he answered, “Sir, when the count blackening sign-posts, and the like immortal en and the baron, which you say you are, shall be in terprizes.
hell, where will the bishop be?”.
TYTHE IN KIND, OR THE Sow's Revenge.
“ Such pig for me; why, man alive,
Ne'er from this inoment hope to thrive ; Not far from London liv'd a boor,
Think you for this I preach and pray? Who fed three dozen hogs, or more ;
Hence! bring me better tythes, I say.' Alike remole from care and strife,
Hodge heard, and, tho’ by nature warm, lle crack'd his joke, and lov'd his wife.
Replied, “ kind sir, I meant no harm; biadge, like all women, fond of sway,
Since what I proffer you refuse, Was pleas`d whene'er she had her way
The stye is open, pick and chuse." ind (wires will think I deal in fiction)
Pleas'd with the offer, in he goes But seldom met with contradiction :
Ilis heart with exultation glows; Then, stubborn as the swine she fed,
He rolls his eye, his lips he licks, She neither would be driv'n nor led;
And scarce can tell on which to fix; And Goodman Hodge, who koew her whim, At lengih he cries, “ Heaven save the king ! Was kind, nor row'd against the stream.
This rogue in black is just the thing! Subdu'd by Nature's primal law,
Hence shall I gain a rich regale !" Young sows are ever in the straw;
Nor more, but seiz'd it by the tail. Each week (so genial fate decreed)
Loud squeak'd the pig; the sow was near Produc'd a new and numerous breed.
The piercing sound assail'd her ear; Whene'er they came, sedate and kind,
Eager to save her darling young, The vicar was not far behind;
Fierce on the bending priest she sprungi Of pigs the worth and prime he knew,
Full in the mire his reverence cast, And, parson like, would bave his dre.
Then seiz'd bis breecb and held him fast He watch'd the hour with anxious keo,
The parson roar'd, surpris'd to find His beart grew warm at number ten;
A foe so desperate close behind; The younger pigs he vowed the sweeter,
On Hodge, on Madge, he calls for aid, And scarce allowed them time to litter.
But both were deaf to all he said, One morn, with smile and bow polite,
The scene a numerous circle draws, From Hooge he claim'd his custom'd right; Who hail the sow with loud applause; But first enquired, in recents mild,
Pleas'd they bebeld his rev’rence writhe, How far'd the dariing wife and child :
And swore 'twas fairly tythe for tythe. How apples, pears, and turnips grew,
" Tythe!" cried the
parson, Tythe, d’ye say. And if the ale were old or new,
See here—one half is rent away !" Hodge, who from custom took the hint,
The case, 'tis true, was most forlorn ; Knew 'twas in vain a priest to stint;
His gown, his wig, his breech was torni And, whilst his rev'rence took his swig,
band, what the mildest priest might ruffle, Hodge stepp'd aside, and brought the pig. The pig was lost amidst the scuffle. Humph!” cried the parson,
* let us see “Give, give me which you please," he cried ; This offering to the church and me;
Nay, pick and choose,” still Hodge replied. I fear, my friend, 'twill never do ;
Choose ! honest friend ; alas! but how? Methioks 'tis lean and sickly too.
Heaven shield me from your murdering sow. Time out of mind 't has been confess'd,
When tythes invite, in spite of soes, Parsons should ever clain the best."
I dare take Satan by the nose ! This said, he eye'd it o'er and o'er ;
Like Theseus, o'er the Stys I'd venture ; Stamp'd, set his wig, and all but swore.
But who that dreadful stye would enter!
Yet, whilst there's hope the prize to win, | Tho lord-mayor of London had his fool too! By Heav'o to leave it were a sin.”
hence the expression the lord-inayor's fool, who This said, he arms his breast with rage,
likes every thing that is good. At the beginning And half resolves the foe t'engage.
of the last century, one of these city drolls Spite of the parson's angry mood,
'jumped into a custard,' for the entertainment of The fearless sow collected stood;
the citizens ! And seem'd to wait the proffer'd war,
A wife's SORROW.
At the marriage of Lonis the Sixteenth with Hems, strokes his chin, and gravely cries Antoinette, in 1770, a dreadful accident occurred, “ Yeswains, support your injur'd priest by which a thousand people lost their lives. Secure the pig, and share the feast."
Among them was one Legros, a lady's hairStaunch to his friend was every swain;
dresser, of much fame. The wife of Legros went Strange tho' it seem, the bribe was vain; to the field of the slain about three o'clock in the And Hodge, who saw them each refuse, morning, when some one began telling her the Exclaim'd in triumph, “ Pick and choose !" fate of her husband in as tender a manner as pos.
The parson's heart grew warm with ire; sible. " 'T'is very well," said she, “but I must Yet pride forbade him to retire.
feel in his pockets for the keys of the house, or What numbers can his spleen declare,
else I cannot get in;" and, so saying, this disDenied, for once, his darling fare!
consolate widow went quietly home to her bed. How shall he meet the dreadful frown
In 1443, Dr. Thomas Gascoigne was chancellor Already turns the useless spit?
of Oxford. He seems to have deeply felt the " Wretch!” he exclaims, with voice profound, profligacy with which ecclesiastical affairs were Can no reinorse thy conscience wound?
then conducted; for he thus expresses himself:May all the woes th’ungodly dread,
“ I knew a certain illiterate ideot, the son of a Fall thick on thy devoted head !
mad koight; who, for being the companion, or May'st thou in every wish be crossid,
rather the fool, of the sons of a great family of May all thy hoarded wealth be lost !
the blood-royal, was made arch-deacon of Oxford May'st thou on weeds and offals dine,
before he was eighteen years old, and got soon Nor ale, nor pudding, e'er be thine!”
after two rich rectories and twelve prebends! Hodge, who with laughter held his sides,
asked bim, one day, what he thought of learning? The parson's wrath in sport derides :
I despise it;' said he. I have better living “No time in idle preaching lose ;
than you great doctors, and believe as much as The stye is open-pick and choose ;"
any of you.'--' What do you believe?' said I.Loud plaudits rose from every tongue ;
I believe,' said he, that there are three Godi Heaven's concave with the clamours rung
in one person. I believe all that God believes.' Impatient of the last huzza,
REASON WHY WONEN HAVE NO BEARDS. The tytheless parson sneak'd away.
Nature, regardful of the babbling race,
Planted no beard upon a woman's face ; The last of the licenced fools belonging to the Not Pack wood's razors, though the very best, csurt was Killigrew, jester to Charles the Second. Could shave a chip that never is at rest.