STILL SAD AND LONELY.

ness will not require it of me.

be constantly prepared for the

may come at any moment.

41

Let me at least

summons which

"March 12, Saturday, 10 P. M. A day of gloom without, and gloom within, is closing. A sadness which I cannot resist, and can hardly endure, has accompanied me, and still refuses alleviation. I have prayed for death, and it seems as though I could welcome it. But I must patiently abide God's time. Doubts and fears have troubled me exceedingly, coming between my sorrowing soul and God. I am hardly able to make the great doctrines of the gospel seem like realities. Oh for more faith! more light! Lord forsake me not utterly. Leave me not to dishonor or deny thee! In thee do I put my trust. To whom shall I go but unto thee, for thou alone hast the words of eternal life. Thou art the God of my salvation.

"March 13, Sabbath. Bless the Lord, O my soul, and all that is within me, bless his holy name. I feel this morning more cheerful than I have for a long time. Not that I mourn my darling Mary's absence any the less, but because I am able to raise my thoughts above the gloomy

grave to the bright abodes of the saints; because God seems near and my Redeemer precious.

"Oh, how little need the Christian care what his earthly condition and circumstances are; Christ is his, heaven is his, and he ought to be satisfied. My precious wife may now be pitying me, and longing to welcome me to a participation. in her superior joys.

"March 16. The Lord is comforting me with the sight of souls returning to himself; and permitting me to be an humble instrument in the dispensation of his mercy.

"April 22. The anniversary of my wedding. I fear that I am not sufficiently anxious to learn the design of God in bereaving me. If I am his child, it cannot be that he takes pleasure in my grief. What then does my Father intend? Of one thing I am sure; he would have me more entirely consecrated to the work to which I am called; more sensible of the comparative worthlessness of all created good. Oh that grace might enable me to rise above my sorrow, and use double diligence in the discharge of all my duties.

"May 23. My loneliness becomes constantly less endurable, and my heart, I fear, less submis

REMARK OF CHRYSOSTOM.

43

sive. There is an unceasing struggle within. I know God is good and merciful, but it seems difficult to feel it. I know the dreadful blow was given in love, but it is difficult to enjoy the consolation such knowledge is fitted to impart.

"A remark of Chrysostom which I met in reading Leighton's works, together with the Commentary of the pious Archbishop, struck me forcibly; 'Minatur ne cædat, cædit ne occidat'-'If speaking either mildly or sharply will prevail with his children, he will not stir the rod to them; and when the rod is in his hand, if showing or shaking it will serve the turn, he will not strike with it. But this is our folly; that usually we abuse all this goodness, and will not part with our sins till we smart for them, and be beaten from them.'

"Such seems to have been God's goodness in his treatment of me, and such my folly in my treatment of him. Had I returned from my wanderings when first my beloved wife became ill, she might possibly have been spared to me. My own obstinate sinfulness, it may be, rendered the infliction necessary. O, my God, help me to come to thee now, lest further chastisement be

needful. Help me with renewed diligence to enter upon the performance of every duty, that I may enjoy thy smile.

"May 25. Have enjoyed more of the presence of God, and consequently, more peace to-day than for some time past. The Lord seems to be saying to the waves of doubt on which I have been tossing, 'Peace, be still!' Though feeling even more lonely than ever, so far as earth is concerned, my Friend above is unusually precious and gracious. Heaven appears, oh, how sweet and desirable. I long to enter it, but pray for patience to wait the Master's time.

"July 24. There are still many indications of God's presence among this people. The weeklymeetings are thronged with prayerful, zealous, active disciples, apparently willing to take up the cross and follow Christ."

JOYS REMAINING.

45

CHAPTER IV.

Joys Remaining-Thinking of Missionary Life-His Child a Hinderance Death of Child-God Making him a Missionary.

So ran the private record of his inner life. That it is entirely truthful we do not doubt; and yet we fear it would convey a wrong impression to many minds if taken by itself alone. It was the happy privilege of the writer to know him more intimately at this than at any other time; to welcome him often at the parsonage; to talk with him, in all the intimacy of a warm personal friendship, morning, noon and night; to go with him on various little excursions, with many a delightful drive over the beautiful hills of New London county; and in all these circumstances his mind yielded pleasantly and healthfully to the recreation. It was easy to see, indeed, that he was a stricken man and a sincere mourner. He loved to talk of his sorrow; and unbidden tears would freely flow, as he spoke of his beloved