MEDITATION LXXVI.

Of the poverty of Spirit, and carrying ourselves humbly.

How

How many poor creatures have high spirits; and will not be humble in mind, though never fo low in the world, but fome there are that can keep lowly minds, even in the highest pofts: and all their exaltation does not exalt them at all. commonly do we find the baseft wretches, (who have the greateft caufe to abhor themselves, and repent in duft and afhes,) the most conceited of themselves; and the furtheft of any men in the world from a penitent sense of their fins; whereas the greatest fouls, and the best men, have the least opinion of their own worth, and the worst thoughts of themselves. Now this, my foul, is to be poor in spirit. It is not to be base spirited, and live fordidly because we cannot find in our hearts to use our plenty, nor to do the poor unbecoming things; becaufe we are lazy, or timorous, or careless of our fouls, and regardless of all that is worthy of a man, and not because we are truly humble and lowly in heart. Nor is it the affected familiarity with inferiors, to get their commendation, nor the formal confeffions of unworthinefs, whereby we really intend not to abase ourselves; but rather to be the better thought of by others. But it is to be mean in our own eyes; and to think and judge very contemptuoufly of ourselves, and of all that belongs to us, which we can call our own: yea, to be contented that others also should think as ill and poorly of us. And doft thou not know, my foul, what infinite

cause

caufe I have, to keep thus low in my own esteem, and not only to be free in, 1peaking coarfely and hardly of myself, but really to believe as I fay, and let it be the very fenfe of my heart, not only by ra fon of my vile original, and my precarious being; that I came of that, which I count too infamous to be named; and that I still depend upon him that gave me my being, even as a fhadow does on the fubftance and am nothing but by his mere favour, who, as he formed me, can in a moment cashier me, but as I am a wicked finner, which makes me much worse than nothing, and inferior to the very bafeft creature, because even in a worm or a tod, there is not that refiftance of God, and contradiction to his holy laws, which lies rooted in my corrupt nature, as the cause of his averfion and indignation. To be a traitor and a rebel, O what more difgraceful, to be fo full of evil, and fo liftless to all good; to have finned not only against the best laws, but against the greatest goodness, and the richeft mercies, and all the endearments of heaven; even with all aggravations of guilt, that I can think of! O what confounding confiderations are these, and what will ftain my pride; and make me afhamed of myfelf, and to lay my mouth in the duft before the Lord, if not to call to mind my faults, and follies, my fhameful mifcarriages, and inexcufeable fins; my heinous offences, and repeated provocations; to which alfo I muft add that mass of corruption, which is ftill working in me, the fin that cleaves fo clofe to me, and fo easily befets me, yea, expofes me a prey to almoft every temptation that preffes upon me. All which makes it no injuftice to implead myfelf, in my own thoughts, as the chief of finners: and no telling lies then of myfelf, to fay but what I think. For whatever others may be, I am beft acquainted with my own heart, and my own defects and evils, and all that is in them. I do not fo well understand the cafe and cirVOL. I. cumftances

Z z

cumftances of others, what temptations they have encountered; what means and mercies they have enjoyed, what convictions and affiftances they have experienced: but if the greateft malefactor had received the grace, which has been bestowed on me; he might have carried the matter, better than I have done. And fhould the Lord let go his hold, and turn me loose to myself, I cannot tell where I fhould ftop. And then muft I judge myself, by what I fhould be of my felf. For what I have received, that is none of mine. I do not know so bad by others; but my own falls and failings, my own many and mighty fins, and vile vicious inclinations, are ever before my eyes; and I am too fenfible, that in me dwells no good thing. Though God has done great things for me: alas, what do I, but spoil all, and undo myfelf; and what do I deserve, but to be trampled and defpifed of God and man.

Let who will brag, with the proud pharifee, God, I thank thee that I am not as other men are: I have a good heart, and who can fay any hurt of me? thus ftill making good even the worst of their matters: 0 my foul, let me never ufe my wit and pains to fow fuch fig leaves over my nakednefs: nor open my mouth in my own cafe, unlefs it be to criminate and arraign myself. For, alas, I have not a word to fay, in my own defence; no, I have nothing but fhame and confufion to take unto myfelf. When I have not only done fome things amifs, and been a little faulty; but all things confidered, I do not know a greater offender. Ah! Lord, I am nothing, and I have nothing, but fin and fhame, and folly, that is my own. And it is by the grace of God, and his mere favour, that in any refpect I am a jot better. Thus muft I throw down myfelf, if I would do juftice to myself; and give glory to God. And this is my duty, and the only way of my fafety, and of my advancement to his heavenly glory. For, it is the word of the

Lord

Lord, Mat.xxiii. 12. "Whofoever fhall exalt himself, "fhall be abafed, and he that fhall humble himself "fhall be exalted."

Now thus to think of ourselves, no more highly than we ought to think, is a means to keep us from carrying more proudly, than we ought to carry. For the poverty of spirit is the true root of that humility, which is to be expreffed in the life. Tho' it is not pride, to have a spirit and carriage fuitable to our station and and rank in the world, nor to dif regard all men, compared with God, nor to use a judgment of difcretion, in examining and chufing for ourselves, where we have fouls of our own to fave; nor to be fenfible of that knowledge and grace, wherewith God has bleffed us above any others, nor to fet fuch a value upon our reputation, as (on fome occafions) to stir in its vindication, nor to neglect the idle formalities of the world; while we are intent on much better matters. Some may be under cenfure for their pride, in fuch respects, who yet do humble themselves in the fight of God, and give no just offence before the world,

Yet, my foul, I have the greatest need to take care of manifefting humility in my words, and in all my behaviour and conduct; abftaining from the dif course, that favours of arrogance and vain glory, and tends to oftentate and magnify myfelf; yea, being forward rather to speak what makes for my dimunition and fhame, to harp upon my deficiencies and follies, my defeats and mifdoings: thus fhewing, that I little care how I am depreffed, fo that God be glorified; and also discovering an air of lowlinefs and humiliation, in all the deportment and tenor of my life and conversation. Not huffish and fupercilious, full of scorn and difdain, as if all were below me, but carrying fo meek and fubmiffive, as if all were too good for me, and every one my better. Not all in a flame, and ready to burst out in vengeance

vengeance and extremity, under any contempt and wrong contradiction and affront, but to contain myfelf, and quench the fire, and foften the hard things, and put fome mild conftruction on the forry matter; and throw it off with as little concern as poffible. Not aggrieved at an inferior place; nor hy of mean offices, nor difdaining converfation even with the pooreft; but rather loving to come behind, and hugging myself in the loweft room. Not proud of any wealth or profperity in the world, nor valu ing myfelf upon it any more, than if I had nothing of it: nor inacceffible and difdainful to any, but as eafy to be fpoke to, and dealt with, even as the pooreft body. And under the frowns of the world, and any hardships of the prefent time, not biting at the chain that holds me; nor grumbling at the load that lies upon me, but quietly acquiefcing in the will of God; and taking all in good' part from his blefied hand. Not drefling myfelf fo much by my glafs, as by my Bible; nor making the cover of my fhame, the difcovery of my pride, not fo much concerned to go gay and trim, as to be wife and good, counting the clothing of humility, the beft part of all my finery. Not aiming at pon.p, and equality with the great, in my accommodations and furniture, but taking up contentedly with that, which rather keeps under, than exceeds others of my degree and quali ty. Not fetting myfelf above the word of God; nor offering to difpute any of his revelation; or to quarrel any of his pleasure; nor preferring my own will, nor chufing my own ways before his, but taking all upon the credit of his word, and liking well of every one of his commands; and thinking him ftill much fitter to teach and order me, than I myself am.

Now in all fuch refpects, my foul, fo to humble myfelf towards God and man, is it not the fureft course that I can take, to lie low, and not expo ed

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