JENNY. He's like Othello when Iago's been stuffin' him ap. I'll frighten him.

TOMMY. Go it.

JENNY. H-u-s-h-sh! the handkerchief-the handkerchief. (Snatches stocking from JOHNNY.)—the handkerchief! (Goes off R. H.)

JOHNNY. Here, young woman, you've got my handker fitch!

TOMMY. (Pulls JOHNNY to c.) Come here. Were you ever on the stage?

JOHNNY. Yes, I drove on de Knickerbocker once.

TOMMY. No, no! I mean the stage Shakespeare speaks of as holding the mirror up to nature.

JOHNNY. Yes; I've got one in my room seven by nine. TOMMY. No, no! I mean the same kind of a stage as you will find in a theatre.

JOHNNY. Oh! like the play actors have.

TOMMY. Yes. What kind of a voice have you got for *ragedy?

JOHNNY. Oh, I've got scrougin' ole voice fur tragedy.

TOMMY. Well, supposing I should step up to you, slap you on the shoulder, and call you a villain and a traitor to the State, what reply would you make?

JOHNNY. I should say that was very ungentlemanly language.

TOMMY. No, no! you should say-Liar! Now get over on that side Are you ready?

JOHNNY. Yes, sir.

TOMMY. (Slapping him on the back.) Thou art a villain and a traitor to the State.

JOHNNY. (Very low.) Liar!

TOMMY. Oh! that is the weakest lie I ever did hear; come over here and call me a villain.

JOHNNY. You're a willain and a traitor to de State.

TOMMY. L-i-a-r!

JOHNNY. (R. H. C. frightened.) I didn't mean it.

TOMMY. That's the way I wanted you to speak to me.

Come here. (Goes to c.) Did you ever see any plays per formed?

JOHNNY Yes, sir.

TOMMY. What were they?

JOHNNY. Macbeth, Toodles, and all dem fellers.

TOMMY. What do you think you could play in Macbeth? JOHNNY. Lady Macbeth.

TOMMY. NO! that's a lady's part. We must play some thing; what'll it be?

JOHNNY. Let's play tag.

TOMMY. No, no! we must play some piece.

JOHNNY. Let's play on a piece of pie.

TOMMY. No, no! we must play some play as they do in a theatre.

JOHNNY. Oh! I see.

TOMMY. Let me see; there's the Drunkard, a good moral drama.

JOHNNY. You wouldn't have to make up, your nose is so

red.

TOMMY. NO; that won't do. I have it; we'll play Damon and Pythias. I'll play Damon and you play Lucimicus. JOHNNY. All right.

TOMMY. What's the first word you say when you comes on the stage?

JOHNNY. Come on, Macduff'

TOMMY. I see you don't know anything about the piece. You see I am Damon, and I've been arrested for knocking over a peanut stand, and put in the calaboose. I have a friend named Pythias, he says that he'll stop in jail while I go into the country and see my wife and child.

JOHNNY. Yes, but you ain't got no wife!

TOMMY. I only play that I've got a wife.

JOHNNY. You'd better not, fur dey'll take you up for bugle-ary.

TOMMY. It's in the piece. I go into the country and take you with me, but if I don't return at a certain hour, Pythias is excuted in my stead; and while I am in the house, bid

ding my wife and child farewell, you are in the barn-yard, where you kill my hoss!

JOHNNY. But you ain't got any hoss!

TOMMY. It's in the play!

JOHNNY. Oh! I see.

TOMMY. I come from the house and ask you for my horse, and you say, "Forgive me, master, I slew your horse!" JOHNNY. That's my part, is it?

TOMMY. Yes; get over there!

JOHNNY. (Repeats his part a number of times.) Forgive me, massa, I slew your hoss!

TOMMY. Is that the way to stand? you ought to tremble. (JOHNNY trembles.) That's it; keep that shake up. (TоммY goes off L., and rushes on again.) 'Tis o'er, Lucimicus: bring thou forth my horse! I've staid too long, and speed must leave the winds behind me. By all the gods, the sun is rushing down the West

JOHNNY. Let her rush.

TOMMY. Why dost thou stand there? bring thou forth my horse.

JOHNNY. Golly, I've forgot my part!

TOMMY. Slave!

JOHNNY. You call me a slave agin, and I'll bust you in the horn!

TOMMY. Why didn't you say, “Forgive me, master, I slew your horse!"

JOHNNY. I forgot all about it.

TOMMY. Try it once more. Where's that shake? (Goes off as before.) Be swift of speech, as my heart is my horse, I say!

JOHNNY. Forgive me, massa, I slew your donkey!
TOMMY. Aha! I'm standing here—

JOHNNY. So am I.

TOMMY. To see if the great gods will with their lightnings execute my prayer upon thee! But be thy punishment I'll tear thee all to pieces! Come!

mine.

JOHNNY. Where?

TOMMY. To the eternal river of the dead; the way is shorter than to Syracuse or Utica. With one swing I'll throw thee to Tartarus, and follow after thee! Come, Pythias' red ghost beckons me on. Come, craven! come! come! (Exit, dragging JOHNNY off L. H. E.)

JOSH BILLINGS ON THE MULE.

THE mule is half hoss, and half jackass, and then kums tu a full stop, natur diskovering her mistake. Tha weigh more, akordin tu their heft, than enny other kreetur, except a crowbar. Tha kant hear enny quicker, nor further than the hoss, yet their ears are big enuff for snow shoes. You ken trust them with enny one whose life ain't worth enny more than the mule's. The only wa tu keep them into a paster, is tu turn them into a medder jineing, and let them jump out. Tha are reddy for use, just as soon as they will du tu abuse. Tha haint got enny friends, and will live on huckel-berry brush, with an ockasional chanse at Kanada thissels. Tha are a modern invenshun, i dont think the Bible deludes tu them at tall. Tha sel for more mony than enny other domestik animile. Yu kant tell their age by looking into their mouth, enny more than you kould a Mexican cannon's. Tha never hav no disease that a good club wont heal. If tha ever die tha must kum rite tu life agin, for i never herd nobody sa "ded mule." Tha are like sum men, very korrupt at harte; ive known them tu be good mules for 6 months, just tu git a good chanse to kick som body. I never owned one, nor never mean to, unless there is a United Staits law passed, requiring it. The only reason why tha are pashunt, is bekause tha are ashamed ov themselfs. I have seen eddikated mules in a sirkus. Tha kould kick, and bite, tremenjis. I would not sa what I am forced tu sa again the mule, if his birth want an outrage, and man want tu blame for it. Enny man who is willing tu drive a mule

ought to be exempt by law from running for the legislatur. Tha are the strangest creeturs on earth, and heaviest, aokording tu their sise; I herd tell ov one who fell oph from the tow path, on the Eri kanawl, and sunk as soon as he touched bottom, but he kept rite on towing the boat tu the nex stashun, breathing thru his ears, which stuck out ov the water about 2 feet 6 inches; i didn't see this did, but an auctioneer told me ov it, and i never knew an auctioneer tr lie unless it was absolutely convenient.

THE TINKER AND THE GLAZIER.

SINCE gratitude, 'tis said, is not o'er common,

HARRISON.

And friendly acts are pretty near as few,
With high and low, with man, and eke with woman,
With Turk, with Pagan, Christian, and with Jew;
We ought, at least, when'er we chance to find
Of these rare qualities a slender sample,
To show they may possess the human mind,
And try the boasted influence of example.
Who knows how far the novelty may charm?
At all events it cannot do much harm.
The tale we give, then, and we need not fear,
The moral, if there be one,
will appear.

Two thirsty souls met on a sultry day,

One glazier Dick, the other Tom the tinker;
Both with light purses, but with spirits gay,
And hard it were to name the sturdiest drinker.
Their ale they quaff'd;

And as they swigg'd the nappy,

They both agreed, 'tis said,

That trade was wondrous dead,

They joked, sung, laughed,

And were completely happy.

The landlord's eye, bright as his sparkling ale,
Glisten'd to see them the brown pitcher hug;