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DRUDG. What! what!-who told you this? Believe me Mr. Battleton, I have sought you for two purporses-to recover a debt and to pay one-I shall be able to do both at the same time. I congratulate you heartily. Good morning. RATTLE. No, no-hang me! I'll not part with you till I see the deeds safe in these hands of mine. I'll not trouble you again to look after me as you have done.

DICK runs in, R.

DICK. Father, father-here's Emily.

RATTLE. Stay-don't let her come in yet; it would be too much for me. Now, Mr. Drudgley, are you ready to start?

-1 want my deeds.

DRUDG. Come, come

RATTLE. No delay, or I put my art once more in force against you. Here, Tweezer-here's y s your half-dollar. "Lie there, my art." (Gives it.) Dick, I congratulate you! Science has stood your friend, and mine-and yours, Tweezer. Drudgley, be honest; tell truth and shame the ancient gentleman, or beware my power; I've only got to do so, and so. (Making passes.) Ah! I forgot-I'd better do this in another place. (To the Audience.) Who'll lend me half-a-dollar ?-I've five thousand a-year now. Don't speak all at once. Thank you, sir. If you will step up here with the coin, I shall no longer have to go about the world in want of A CONFED ERATE.

CURTAIN.

LODGINGS FOR SINGLE GENTLEMEN.

COLMAN THE YOUNGER.

WHO has e'er been in London, that overgrown place,

Has seen "Lodgings to Let" stare him full in the face,
Some are good and let dearly; while some, 'tis well known,

Are so dear, and so bad, they are best let alone.

Will Waddle, whose temper was studious and lonely,
Hired lodgings that took single gentlemen only;

But Will was so fat, he appear'd like a tun,
Or like two single gentlemen roll'd into one.

He enter'd his rooms, and to bed he retreated;
But all the night long he felt fever'd and heated;
And, though heavy to weigh as a score of fat sheep,
He was not, by any means, heavy to sleep.

Next night 'twas the same! and the next! and the next!
He perspired like an ox; he was nervous and vex'd;
Week passed after week, till by weekly succession,
His weakly condition was past all expression.

In six months his acquaintance began much to doubt him; For his skin, "like a lady's loose gown," hung about him. He sent for a doctor, and cried, like a ninny,

"I have lost many pounds-make me well, there's a guinea."

The doctor look'd wise:--"A slow fever," he said;

Prescribed sudorifices, and going to bed.

"Sudorifices in bed," exclaimed Will,

are humbugs!

I've enough of them there, without paying for drugs!"

Will kick'd out the doctor:-but when ill indeed,
E'en dismissing the doctor don't always succeed;
So, calling his host, he said, 'Sir, do you know,
I'm the fat single gentleman, six months ago?

"Look ye, landlord, I think," argued Will with a grin,
"That with honest intentions you first took me in:
But from the first night—and to say it I'm bold—
I've been so very hot, that I m sure I caught cold!"

Quoth the landlord, "Till now, I ne'er had a dispute;
I've let lodgings ten years,-I'm a baker to boot;
In airing your sheets, sir, my wife is no sloven;
And your bed is immediately-over my oven."

"The oven!" says Will;-says the host, "Why this passion? In that excellent bed died three people of fashion.

Why so crusty, good sir ?"—"Zounds!" cried Will, in a taking "Who wouldn't be crusty, with half a year's baking?"

Will paid for his rooms: cried the host, with a sneer,

“Well, I see you've been going away half a year."

26

Friend, we can't well agree;-yet no quarrel,” Will said "But I'd rather not perish, while you make your bread."

THE FARMER AND THE COUNSELLOR.

A COUNSEL in the "Common Pleas,"
Who was esteemed a mighty wit,

Upon the strength of a chance hit,
Amid a thousand flippancies,

And his occasional bad jokes,

In bullying, bantering, browbeating,
Ridiculing and maltreating
Women, or other timid folks;
In a late cause, resolved to hoax
A clownish Yorkshire farmer-one
Who, by his uncouth look and gait,
Appeared expressly meant by fate
For being quizzed and played upon.

So having tipped the wink to those
In the back rows,

Who kept their laughter bottled down,
Until our wag should draw the cork-
He smiled jocosely on the clown,

And went to work.

SMITH

"Well, Farmer Numskull, how go calves at York?'
'Why—not, sir, as they do wi' you;

But on four iegs instead of two."

"Officer," cried the legal elf,

Piqued at the laugh against himself,

"Do pray keep silence down below there! Now look at me, clown, and attend, Have I not seen you somewhere, friend?" Yees, very like, I often go there."

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By thumps, black eyes, and knock-down blows,
Eke broken head and bloody nose,
At length, like other heroes great,
That can control each humble state,
And keep the peaceful rogues in awe,
By what the vulgar call club-law,

Agreed, though friends, they should contest,
Which of themselves could fight the best,
Ambassadors went forth to treat,

Each Champion's council sage to greet;

Not with intent to offer peace,
And bid the sanguine passions cease;
No;-they the bruising art admired,
Were with the glorious contest fired:
Therefore they wider made the breach,
Conveyed in threats, from each to each.

At length these sage Ambassadors
Arranged all matters by the laws-
By puguistic laws I mean,

Such as apply to fighting men ;
For war, in every various scene,
Where blood and slaughter intervene,
Pays, or at least, appears to pay,
Respect to what it does away.
Thus, when a tyrant conq'ror seizes
Some state his fell ambition pleases,
He says they had infringed the law,
And holds them bound by right of war.
The Dutch, the Italians, and the Swiss,
Severely feel the truth of this.
Heaven guard our happy Isle! may we
From Conquerors' laws be ever free!

At length all matters are agreed,
The combatants, in form, proceed
To fam'd Olympus or Eleusis,
Whichever name the hearer chooses;
Yet think not they such ninnies prove,
Merely to fight for downright love;
No;-money, money is the prize,
To pay for bruises and black eyes.
The scientific gulls profound,
In close cabal are plac'd around.
Now hands they shake, and now set to,
To please the motley, mongrel crew.
A round is fought, and then another,
The odds run high on this and t'other;
Murmurs and shouts, and loud huzzas,

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