MR. TITMOUSE DYES HIS HAIR. [SAMUEL WARREN, D. C. L., 1807-77; b. Racre Denbighshire, Scotland, son of Samuel, LL.D., studied medicine at Edinburgh, taking the prize on comparative jurisprudence. In 1828 he began the study of law at

the Inner Temple, London; practiced as special pleader,

1831-37; in the latter years was called to the bar. He

contributed to Blackwood's Magazine, 1830-31 “Passages from the Diary of a late Physician" afterwards translated into the French. He was conservative in politics, a strong supporter of Lord Derby, and published "Ten Thousand a Year" in Blackwood's, 1839. He was chosen M. P. for Leeds, of which city he was likewise

Recorder. From his "Ten Thousand a Year" we select

the following ludicrous incident.]

Titmouse, with a little hesitation, asked
this gentleman what was the price of their
article "for turning light hair black," and
was answered, "only seven and sixpence
for the smaller-sized bottle." One was in
a twinkling placed upon the counter,
where it lay like a miniature mummy
swathed, as it were, in manifold advertise-
ments. "You'll find the fullest directions
within, and testimonials from the highest
nobility to the wonderful efficacy of the
'CYANOCHAITAN-THROPOPOION."1
"Sure it will do, sir!" inquired Tit-
mouse anxiously.

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Is my hair dark enough to your taste, sir?" said the gentleman, with a calm and bland manner, "because I owe it entirely to this invaluable specific."

"Do you indeed, sir!" inquired Titmouse: adding with a sigh, "but between ourselves, look at mine!" and lifting his hat for a moment, he exhibited a great crop of bushy carrotty hair.

Whew! rather ugly that, sir!" exclaimed the gentleman, looking very serious. "What a curse it is to be born with such a hair: isn't it?"

"I should think so, sir," answered Titmouse mournfully: "and do you really think, sir, that this, what's-its-name turned yours of that beautiful black?"

Titmouse, for the remainder of the day, felt, as may be imagined but little at his ease; for-to say nothing of his insuperable repugnance to the discharge of any of his former duties; his uneasiness under the oppressive civilities of Mr. Tagrag, and the evident disgust towards him entertained by his companions-many most important considerations arising out of recent and coming events, were momentarily forcing themselves upon his attention. The first of these was his hair, for Heaven seemed to have suddenly given him the long-coveted means of changing its detested hue; and the next was-an eyeglass, without which he had long felt his appearance and appointments to be painfully incomplete. Early in the afternoon, therefore, on the readily admitted plea of important business, he obtained the permission of the obsequious Tagrag to depart for the day, and instantly directed his steps to the well-known shop of a fashionable perfumer and peruquier, in Bond street-well-known to those at least who were in the habit of glancing at the enticing advertisements in the newspapers. Having watched through the window till the coast was clear (for he felt a natural delicacy in asking for a hair dye before people who could in an instant perceive his urgent occasion for it,) he entered the shop, where a well-dressed gentleman was sitting behind the counter, Greek words-denoting a fluid "that can render the reading. He was handsome and his ela-human hair black.” Whenever a barber or perfumer borately curled hair was of a heavenly black (so at least Titmouse considered it) that was worth a thousand of printed advertisements of the celebrated fluid which formed the chief commodity there vended.

"Think? 'Pon my honor, sir, certain; no mistake, I assure you! I was fretting myself into my grave about the color of my hair! Why, sir, there was a nobleman here (I don't like to mention names), the other day, with a head that seemed as if it had been dipped into water, and then powdered with brick dust; but I assure you, the Cyanochaitanthropopoion was too much for it; it turned black in a very short time. You should have seen his lordship's ecstacy"-the speaker saw that Titmouse would swallow anything; so he went on with a confidential air-" and in a month's time he had married a beautiful woman, whom he had loved from a child, but who would never marry a man with such a head of hair.”

1 This fearful-looking word, I wish to inform my lady readers, is a monstrous amalgamation of three or four

determines on trying to puff off some villainous imposition of this sort, strange to say, he goes to some starving scholar and gives him half-a-crown to coin a word like the above, that shall be equally unintelligible and unpronounceable, and therefore attractive and popular.

"How long does it take to do all this, | black hair, whom he fancied he had seen sir?" interrupted Titmouse eagerly, with before, and suddenly discovered that he a beating heart. was only looking at himself in a glass! "Sometimes two, sometimes three days. This woke him. Up he jumped, and in a In four days' time I'll answer for it, your trice was standing before his little glass. most intimate friend would not know you. Horrid! he almost dropped down dead! My wife did not know me for a long his hair was perfectly green-there could while, and wouldn't let me salute her- be no mistake about it. He stood staring ha, ha!" Here another customer en- in the glass in speechless horror, his eyes tered; and Titmouse, laying down the and mouth distended to the utmost, for five-pound note he had squeezed out of several minutes. Then he threw himself Tagrag, put the wonder working phial on the bed, and felt fainting. Up he into his pocket, and, on receiving his presently jumped again, rubbed his hair change, departed, bursting with eagerness desperately and wildly about-again lookto try the effects of Cyanochaitanthropo- ing into the glass; there it was, rougher poion. Within half an hour's time he than before; but eyebrows, whiskers and might have been seen driving a hard bar- head, all were, if anything, of a more gain with a pawnbroker for a massive- vivid and brilliant green. Despair came looking eye-glass, which, as it hung sus- over him. What had all his trouble been pended in the window, he had for months to this? and what was to become of him? cast a longing eye upon: and he eventu- He got into bed again, and burst into a ally purchased it (his eye-sight, I need perspiration. Two or three times he got hardly say, was perfect) for only fifteen in and out of bed to look at himself again shillings. After taking a hearty dinner -on each occasion deriving only more in a little dusky eating house in Rupert terrible confirmation than before of the Street, frequented by fashionable-looking disaster that had befallen him. After foreigners, with splendid heads of curling lying still for some minutes he got out of hair and mustachios, he hastened home. bed, and kneeling down, tried to pray; Having lit his candle, and locked his but it was in vain-and he rose half door, with tremulous fingers he opened choked. It was plain he must have his the papers enveloping the little phial; head shaved, and wear a wig-that was and glancing over their contents, got so making an old man of him at once. Getinflamed with the numberless instances ting more and more disturbed in his of its efficacy, detailed in brief and glow- mind, he dressed himself, half determined ing terms the "Duke of, the Coun-on starting off to Bond Street, and breaktess of, the Earl of, &c., &c., &c., &c. -the lovely Miss, the celebrated Sir Little Bull's-eye (who was so gratified that he allowed his name to be used)all of whom, from having hair of the reddest possible description were now possessed of ebon hued locks"-that the cork was soon extracted from the bottle. Having turned up his coat-cuffs, he commenced the application of the Cyanochaitanthropopoion, rubbing into his hair, eyebrows, and whiskers, with all the energy he was capable of, for upwards of half an hour. Then he read over every syllable on the papers in which the phial had been wrapped; and about eleven o'clock, having given sundry curious glances at the glass, got into bed full of exciting hopes and delightful anxieties concerning the success of the great experiment he was trying. He could not sleep for several hours. He dreamed a rapturous dream: that he bowed to a gentleman with coal

ing every pane of glass in the shop window of the cruel impostor who had sold him the liquid that had so frightfully disfigured him. As he stood thus irresolute, he heard the step of Mrs. Squallop approaching his door, and recollected that he had ordered her to bring up his teakettle about that time. Having no time to take his clothes off, he thought the best thing he could do would be to pop into bed again, draw his nightcap down to his ears and eyebrows, pretend to be asleep, and, turning his back towards the door, have a chance of escaping the observation of his landlady. No sooner thought of than done. Into bed he jumped, and drew the clothes over him-not aware, however, that in his hurry he had left his legs, with boots and trousers on, exposed to view-an unusual spectacle to his landlady, who had, in fact, scarcely ever known him in bed at so late an hour before. He lay as a still as mouse. Mrs. Squal

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'Why, really, I'd be off to a police office, and have 'em all taken up, if as how I was you."

lop, after glancing at his legs, happened | groaned Titmouse, having taking another to direct her eyes towards the window, look at himself in the glass. beheld a small phial, only half of whose dark contents were remaining of course it was POISON. In a sudden fright she dropped the kettle, plucked the clothes off the trembling Titmouse, and cried out "Oh, Mr. Titmouse! Mr. Titmouse! What have you been—"

"No see if I don't take that bottle, and make the fellow that sold it to me swallow what's left, and I'll smash in his shop front besides."

mouse-why wasn't you satisfied with the hair God Almighty had given you? D'ye think he don't know a deal better than you what was best for you? I'm blest if I don't think this a judgment on you."

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"Well, ma'm, what the devil do you "Oh, you won't-you mustn't—not on mean? How dare you" commenced no account. Stop at home a bit, and be Titmouse, suddenly sitting up, and looking quiet, it may go off with all this washing, furiously at Mrs. Squallop. A pretty in the course of the day. Soft soap is an figure he was. He had all his day clothes uncommon strong thing for getting colors on; a white cotton nightcap was drawn out-but-a-a-excuse me, Mr. Titdown to his very eyes, like a man going to be hanged; his face was very pale, and his whiskers were of a bright green color. "Lord-a-mighty!" exclaimed Mrs. Squallop, faintly, the moment this strange apparition presented itself; and, sinking on the chair, she pointed with a dismayed air to the ominous-looking object standing on the window shelf. Titmouse from that supposed she had found it all out. "Well-isn't it a shame, Mrs. Squallop?" said he getting off the bed, and plucking off his nightcap, exhibited the full extent of his misfortune. What d'ye think of that?" he exclaimed, staring wildly at her. Mrs. Squallop gave a faint shriek, turned her head aside, and motioned him

away.

66 "I shall go mad-I shall"Oh, dear! oh, dear!" groaned Mrs. Squallop, evidently expecting him to leap upon her. Presently, however, she a little recovered her presence of mind, and Titmouse, stuttering with fury, explained to her what had taken place. As he went on, Mrs. Squallop became less and less able to contain herself, and at length burst into a fit of convulsive laughter, and sat holding her hands to her fat shaking sides, as if she would have tumbled off her chair. Titmouse was almost on the point of striking her! At length, however, the fit went off; and, wiping her eyes, she expressed the greatest commiseration for him, and proposed to go down and fetch up some soft soap, and flannel, and try what a good hearty wash would do." Scarce sooner said than done-but, alas, in vain! Scrub, scrub-lather, lather, did they both; but the instant the soapsuds were washed off, there was the head

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What's the use of your standing preaching to me in this way, Mrs. Squallop? Ain't I half mad without it? Judgment or no judgment, where's the harm of my wanting black hair any more than black trousers? That ain't your own hair, Mrs. Squallop; you're as gray as a badger underneath; I've often remarked it."

"I'll tell you what, Mr. Himperance," furiously exclaimed Mrs. Squallop, "you 're a liar! And you deserve what you've got. It is a judgment, and I hope it will stick by you. So take that for your sauce, you vulgar fellow. Get rid of your green hair if you can! It's only carrot tops instead of carrot roots, and some like one, some the other. Ha, ha, ha!"

"he

"I'll tell you what, Mrs. Squacommenced; but she had gone, having slammed-to the door behind her with all her force; and Titmouse was left alone in a half frantic state, in which he continued for nearly two hours. Once again he read over the atrocious puffs which had overnight inflated him to such a degree, and he now saw that they were all lies. This is a sample of them:

"This divine fluid (as it was enthusiastically styled to the inventor by the lovely Duchess of Doodle) possesses the inestimable and astonishing quality of changing hair, of whatever color, to a dazzling jet black, at the same time imparting to it a rich glossy appearance, which wonderfully contributes to the imposing tout ensemble presented by those who use it. That well-known ornament of the circle of fashion, the young and lovely Mrs.

Fitzfrippery, owned to the proprietor that to this surprising fluid it was that she was indebted for those unrivalled raven ringlets which attracted the eyes of envying and admiring crowds," and so forth. A little further on:

"This exquisite effect is not in all cases produced instantaneously; much will of course depend (as the celebrated M. Dupuytren, of the Hotel Dieu, of Paris, informed the inventor), on the physical idiosyncracy of the party using it, with reference to the constituent particles of the colouring matter, constituting the fluid in the capillary vessels. Often a single application suffices to change the most hopeless-looking head of red hair to as deep a black; but, not unfrequently, the hair passes through intermediate shades and tints; all, however ultimately settling into a deep and permanent black."

This passage not a little revived the drooping spirits of Titmouse. Accidentally, however, an asterisk at the last word in the above sentence directed his eye to a note at the bottom of the page, printed in such minute type as baffled any but the strongest sight and most determined eye to read, and which said note was the following:

"I should think so. Much good they do me. Sir, you're a humbug-an impostor. I am a sight to be seen for the rest of my life! Look at me, sir. Eyebrows, whiskers, and all.”

"Rather a singular appearance just at present, I must own," said the gentleman, his face turning suddenly red all over, with the violent effort he was making to prevent an explosion of laughter. He soon, however, recovered himself, and added coolly, "if you'll only persevere." "Persevere!" interrupted Titmouse, violently clapping his hat on his head; "I'll teach you to persevere in taking in the public. I'll have a warrant out against you."

"Oh, my dear sir, I'm accustomed to all this!"

"The devil-you-are!" gasped Titmouse quite aghast.

"Oh, often-often, while the liquid is performing the first stage of the change; but in a day or two afterwards, the parties generally come back smiling into my shop with heads as black as crows."

"No! But really do they, sir?" interrupted Titmouse, drawing a long breath.

"But do you recollect any one's hair turning green, and then getting black?" inquired Titmouse, with trembling anxiety.

For

"Hundreds, I may say thousands, my dear sir! And one lady gave me a pic"Though cases do, undoubtedly, occa- ture of herself, in her black hair, to make sionally occur, in which the native in-up for her abuse of me when it was in a herent indestructible qualities of the hair puce color." defy all attempts at change or even modification, and resist even this potent remedy of which, however, in all his experience" (the specific had been invented for about six months) "the inventor has known but very few instances." But to this exceedingly select class of unfortunate incurables, poor Titmouse entertained a dismal suspicion that he belonged. "Look, sir! look! Only look here what your stuff has done to my hair!" said Titmouse, on presenting himself soon after to the gentleman who had sold him the infernal liquid; and, taking off his hat, exposed the green hair. The gentleman, however, did not appear at all surprised or discomposed.

Ah, yes! I see, I see. You're in the intermediate stage. It differs in different people."

"Differs, sir! I'm going mad! I look like a green monkey.'

"In me, the color was strong yellow. But have you read the descriptions that are given in the wrapper?"

Recollect any! Fifty at least. instance, there was Lord Albert Addlehead;-but why should I name names? I know hundreds! But everything is honor and confidential here!"

"And did Lord What's-his-name's hair go green, and then black? and was it at first as light as mine?"

"His hair was redder, and in consequence it became greener, and is now blacker than ever yours will be."

"Well, if I and my landlady have this morning used an ounce, we've used a quarter of a pound of soft soap in—”

"Soft soap!-soft soap! That explains all." He forgot how well it had been already explained by him. "By heavens sir! soft soap! You may have ruined your hair forever!" Titmouse opened his eyes and mouth with a start of terror, it not occurring to him that the intoler