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and is said to have retained the -Bless my heart, how it proper use of his faculties to the rains-provoking! now I can't advanced age of 100. He was ge- go out this evening; this is always, nerally distinguished by the ap- the case when I make up my pellation of the laughing philoso- mind to take an evening's rampher. Seneca says, that in pub-ble-dear me what large drops lic,“ he always expressed his (servunt comes in with my teu) contempt of the follies of the

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down I sit, stir the fire to make a, ple by laughter."--The citizens cheerful blaze, twiddle the footstyled him the derider. Being man with my toe, nearly upset my accused of insanity, Hippocrates plate of toast-whew ! how it patwas ordered to examine the na- ters; we are going to have a ture of his disorder, and reported stormy night, must make up my that it was not Democritus, but mind to stay at home-jump up, his enemies, who were insane. close the shutters, draw the cur-,

Darius being excessively griev- tains (pulling cushioned chair ed on account of the loss of his close to the fire) pour out my tea, wife, Democritus told him, that and grind my spoon almost to he would raise her to life, if he pieces with vexation-muse and could find three persons who had get in the dolefuls, by listening to had passed their lives free from the kettle's sober buz-snatch it. adversity, whose names he might off the hob, burn my fingers--aplace on the queen’s monument ! muse myself by disturbing my The king inquired in vain, and tabby, who is asleep upon the rug, was in soine degree reconciled to and laugh at his angry growl and his fate. Although the works of swollen tail Democritus are lost, there are eight o'clock and a stormy night,”'. some maxims ascribed to him truly cries the watchman in a most piteexcellent.--He died of natural ous accent-ring the bell (tea. decay, B. C. 361, aged 109.

things cleared away)

I am plaguy dull, what shall I do?

a thought strikes me, L’IL Varieties.

write something—where are my

writing utensils ... ATTEMPTED AUTHORSHIP.

are; now for it, I don't mind the -“Now stir the fire, and close the rain now-let it come down shutters fast,

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ti Let fall the curtains, wheel the sofa

past nine round,

o'clock,” cries the watchmanAnd, while the bubbling and loud hissing urn

bless my heart, is it so late? I Throws up a steamy column.”.

have written nothing yet-only Winter Evening.--Cowper. pretty faces scrawled over the pa,

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per, pshaw! I'll turn over the bring my night-lamp ..... and other side, and begin in earnest- as I cannot write any thing to Now for an epigram, let me see: night, zounds! I'll dream of somehem.!

“ Here in this thing for to-morrow. world. in this

CROWQUILL, this world. no I wont write an epigram, they are so deuced

VOLUNTARY STARVATION. stale, so out with that—I'll try something in Tom Moore's style Professor Huffland, in one of mah! that will suit me best-his Journals, gives a most extrasomething about flowing locks ordinary case of a tradesman, who, and beaming eyes Now for it-impelled by a succession of mis* If e'er I forget

“ If fortunes, and absolutely destitute e'er I forget.

" the girl of the means of procuring food, of my heart.”

may I retired to a sequestered spot in a "never"

forest, and there resolved to starve dear me what's a good rhyme to himself to death. He put this heart part . . . . dart .. determination in force, September

cart bless me I can't 15th, and was found on the 3d of hit it at all to night-half past October (eighteen days) still liv, nine-I get on very poorly-hang ing, although speechless, insensiit I'll write a satirical touch . ble, and reduced to the last stage ... I must push my

candle

up

of debility. A small quantity of though.. egad it is a small liquid was given him, after which bit-I must not dally, or I shall he expired. By

his side was be left in the dark

found a pocket-book and pencil, ah! that's a good line: .

with which he had contrived to very good indeed.

down keep a daily journal of his state with it-“Ye poets and authors and sufferings, and in which he who Pegasus mount.”

had persevered till the 29th of “Or steal from the bowers September. He begins by giving of fancy” , . fancy—that's it, an account of himself, and states courage my boy...,“Or steal that he was a respectable trades, from the bowers of fancy" man, possessing good property, the , ... the

of which he had been deprived by Botheration ! the candle's out- misfortune and villany, and that pugh, what a stink .

the he had come to the determination fire is out too. Zounds! it's as of starving himself to death, not dark as pitch.

Deuce so much with the view of commit. take that chair; I've broke my ting suicide, as because he was shin against it.--I can't find the unable to procure work; that he bell Here-Mary, I had in vain offered himself as

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soldier; and was too proud to ap- Bateman's Stoops, on Lancaster ply to unfeeling relations. This Sands, the greatest part would be note is dated on the 10th, which saved who are now drowned. Havday he had employed in constructing stated these facts,” he says, ing a little hut of bushes and it would be superfluous to add leaves. On the 17th he complains more.” of suffering much from cold, and in his journal of the 18th, he mentions having suffered from intole

A lady walking with her husrable thirst, to appease which he band on the beach, inquired of had licked the dew from the sur-him the difference between exporrounding vegetables. On the 20th, tation and transportation. “Why, he found a small piece of coin, and my dear,” he replied, “if you with great difficulty reached an were on board yonder vessel, you inn, where he purchased a bottle would be exported, and I should, of beer. The beer failed, how- be transported.” ever, to quench his thirst, and his strength was so reduced that he took three hours to accomplish Roundabout Evidence.-Mothe distance, about two miles. ther Hopkins told me, that she

On the 22d, he discovered a heard Green's wife say, that John spring of water, but though tor- Glarrie's wife told her, that granmented with thirst, the agony ny Hopkins heard the widow Bawhich cold water produced on his sham say, that Captain. Weed's stomach excited vomiting and wife thought Colonel Hodkin's convulsions. The 23d made ten wife believed that old Miss Lamb days since he had taken any nou- reckoned that Samuel Dunham's rishment but beer and a little water. wife had told Spaldi ng's wife that During that time he had not slept. she heard John On the 26th he complains of his that her mother told her, Old feet being dead, and of being dis- Miss Jenks heard Granny Cook tracted by thirst ; he was too weak say, that it was a matter of fact !!! to crawl to the spring, and yet -American Paper. dreadfully susceptible of suffering. The 29th of September was the Jast day on which he made any

Galen.-It was chance that led memorandum.

to the conversion of Galen, who, though an atheist, was a strict

observer of nature, but finding a A writer in Lancaster ga- skeleton, he thought it of too cuzette suggests, “ that if a life-pre- rious a construction to be the

Frinks say,

were constructed upon production of chance.

server

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est.

Mr. Holdcastle dwells in a modern. Poetry.

built but, Miss Sage is of madcaps the archest;

Of all the queer bachelor's Cupid e'er SURNAMES.

cut Men once were surnamed from their Old Mr. Younghusband's the starch

shape or estate, You all may from History worm it: Mr. Child, in a passion, knocked down There was Lewis the Bulky, and Hen- Mr. Rock, ry the Great,

Mr. Stone like an aspan-leaf shivers. John Lackland, and Peter the Her- Miss Poole used to dance, but she mit.

stands like a stock But now, when the door plates of Mis- Ever since she became Mrs. Rivers, ters and Dames

Mr. Swift hobbles onward, no mortal Are read, each so constantly varies knows how, From the owner's trade, figure, and He moves as though cords had encalling, Surnames

twined him, Seem given by the rule of contraries. Mr. Metcalf ran off, upon meeting a Mr. Fox, though provoked, never dou

cow, bles his fist,

With pale Mr. Turnbull behind him. Mr. Burns in his grate has no fuel, Mr. Barker's as mute as any fish in the Mr. Playfair won't catch me at haz

sea, ard or whist,

Mr. Miles never moves on a journey, Mr. Coward was wing'd in a duel.

Mr. Gotobed sits up till half-after Mr. Wise is a dunce, Mr. King is a

three, Whig,

Mr. Makepeace was bred an attorMr. Coffin's uncommonly sprightly,

ney. And huge Mr. Little broke down in a Mr. Gardner can't tell a flower from a gig

root, While driving fat Mrs. Golightly.

Mr. Wilde with timidity draws Mrs. Drinkwater's apt to indulge in a dram,

Mr. Ryder performs all his journeys Mrs. Angel's an absolute fury,

on foot, And meek Mr. Lyon let fierce Mr. Mr. Foote all his journeys on horse Lamb

back. Tweak his nose in the lobby of Drury. Mr. Penny, whose father was rolling At Bath, where the feeble go more

in wealth, than the stout,

Kick'd down all the fortune his dad (A conduct well worthy of Nero)

back;

won, Over poor Mr. Lightfoot, confined with

Large Mr. Le Fever's the picture of the gout,

health, Mr. Heavysides danced a Bolero.

Mr. Goodenough is but a bad one. Miss Joy, wretched maid, when she Mr. Cruickshank stept into three thou

chose Mr. Love, Found nothing but sorrow await her : By showing his shank to an heiress, -She now holds in wedlock, as true as a Now I hope you'll acknowledge I've dove,

made it quite clear That fondest of mates, Mr. Hayter. Surnames ever go by contraries.

sand a-year,

"Till the great Saviour model them

afresh, And from this battered cast off garb of

flesh After his own, for that's the heavenly

mode, And fit to enrobe a favourite of God.

FIRST OF SEPTÉMBER.

Cockney Sportsman.
A mercer bold,

Of fame untold,
On Wednesday took his gun;

With kitchen dog,

And village prog, Hoping to find some fun.

With sapient nose,

And nimble toes,
His dog like light'ning Aled;

Look! look ! said Ounce,

All in a pounce,
My gun shall strike them dead.

A partridge pie

Will please my eye, When on the table laid ;

My game is near,

My sight is clear, The price of skill is paid.

My children dear, pray all agree,
Serve the Lord and follow me!

Lpitaphs.

On Mr. Joseph King.
Here lies a man than whom no better's

walking,
Who was when sleeping even, always

tall-king; A King by birth was he, and yet no

no king,
In life was thin-king, and in death was
Jo-King!

On a Miser.
Here Scrapeall lies in cold clay clad,
Who died for want of what he had !

On an Attorney.
Here lieth one who often lied before,
But now he lieth here, he lies no more.

lle cock'd his eye,

He soon let fly;
But, oh! “Plague on the rats!"

His aim was true

His game in viewHe shot a brace of cats!

To the Editor of the Oxford Enter

taining Miscellany.

Useful Domestic Wints.

SI?,

A Cosmetic Water, of great use to You will oblige me by prevent Pits after the Small-pix. inserting the following Epitaphs, Dissolve an ounce and a half of salt which I copied from two grave. in a pint of mint water; boil them to

It is stones in Bloxham Church-yard. gether, and skim the liquor.

very useful to wash the face with after Your obedient Servant,

the small-pox, in order to clear away A SUBSCRIBER.

the scabs, allay the itching, and reBeneath the verdure of this earthly move the redness. chest

Mushrooms. The following simple Are laid the garments of a soul undrest, and easy method is recommended for A soul, that, borne on Angels? wings, trying the quality of field mushrooms.

Take an onion, and slip the outer To put immortal vigour on.

skin, and boil it with them; if it reYes, 'Tis decreed, they for a while mains white they are good, but if it must lie

becomes blue or black, there are cerAmong the hillocks of mortality, Itainly dangerous ones amongst them,

is gone

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